Hi everyone! Now that it’s Spring, the warmth is finally here in the midwestern part of the USA! Yay!! I feel happier when the temperatures are warmer and I can get outside and enjoy nature and recharge. As a HSP healing from childhood wounds, I am still figuring out what makes me happiest and what I “like” most in life–right now I like thinking about some day moving to a warmer climate during the winter months! 😉
As HSP children, your “job” may have been to often to take care of your own parents’ feelings so you didn’t dare even ask yourself “What do I want?, How do I feel?, and What are my dreams and desires? Perhaps it can be “fun” now to “create” a life for yourself that is purely satisfying to “you”. This is not being selfish for HSPs who have spent their lives putting others’ feelings and happiness first. This is realizing your feelings and desires are meant to be your “compass” for finding direction and satisfaction in your life!
Even after all of your recovery and replacing a negative inner critic with a very consistent feeling of love and protection for yourself and you inner child, do you still sometimes wake up with a feeling of shame that surprises you? It may usually happen after a day when you really asserted your voice and followed your heart (I have written about this before). Try to see that as evidence of how your shining light as a child may have been a threat to a narcissistic or bullying caretakers and they had to bring you “down”. “Get off of your high horse!”, “Who do you think you are!?”, “How dare you be happy when I am not happy!?”, and “Straighten up and fly right!”–Were these phrases (spoken or implied silently with mean looks (angry eyes)) ones that come to mind that were a daily occurrence to shame and control you as a child?
Now that you may be working on changing the core beliefs about yourself, it is also helpful to reframe all those events with how you would have voiced your opposition if you had felt safe and knew you were loved and supported by the Universe. Talking back to the inner critic is acknowledging it is there and then saying what you need to say to yourself to be an emotionally healthy soul–say, “I like being on my high horse!–it is good to feel proud of myself!”, “I think I am an amazing and gifted person!”, “Everyone is free to pursue their own happiness–it’s in the Constitution!”, and “Your right way and my right way are 2 different things!” If you had felt safe and strong as a child and had been able to say these things in your childhood without being shamed and punished, then your true self would have survived and you would not have had to push your feelings underground and develop a false self that was fearful and obedient. You can say it NOW and reclaim your strength that it didn’t feel safe for you to have. It is very healing to your wounded soul when you express the truth about yourself, either silently, out loud, or in a journal–express your true voice!
Just realizing you have an inner critic that stops you from enjoying your life and feeling good about yourself is the first step–writing out all the mixed messages swimming around your brain and getting them on paper in a journal will help you to realize that your inner critic has taken over. I no longer have to journal to realize when I am listening to my inner critic–I recognize the negative feeling right away, acknowledge it, and say to myself “that is ridiculous and that is not true about me!”
The real truth is I am a shining light of God’s love and I am perfect just the way I am! You are perfect just the way you are too! There is nothing wrong with you! You just have self-doubt– “doubt” just means questioning the truth–the truth is there but it takes courage to Believe It! Believe it because it is true–you are perfect exactly as you are NOW in this moment! And you deserve the LOVE, COMFORT, COMPASSION, and ENCOURAGEMENT that you never got during childhood. You can learn to give it to yourself!
For myself, any shame feeling I get in the morning goes away immediately as I shoo it away and replace it with love for myself and with my new core beliefs: “This shame is not mine and not true and I have nothing to be ashamed of!” Poof! Gone! I also say, “Wow, I must have done something amazing and authentically me yesterday, I am on the right path!” Then I can’t wait to get up and enjoy my day, my way! I love my life and I am grateful that I am free to enjoy it now.
I feel my true purpose is to help others who are struggling to love themselves because of these very complex, negative messages that were engrained in their brains since early childhood. It is not easy but growing new loving neural pathways in your brain is possible and I am living proof. I hope that by my example I can help those of you struggling, suffering, and occasionally falling into pits of despair to climb out and break free from the negative energy “soup” that can engulf the soul of an emotionally needy HSP. It takes time so please be patient with yourself if you fall backwards sometimes.
The key is to keep on feeling the feelings and comforting yourself through them–it is a grieving process. You will come out the other side–to truth, light, and a connection to the Universe that no one can ever take away from you–it is innate in you and as a HSP you are a loved and highly evolved soul with compassion and light for others as your greatest gift. You are going to be okay if you allow yourself to believe these things NOW–start today. I am here, I understand–I have been lost, and now I am found. NOW is the time to begin to love yourself without shame. You can do it! This blog post was written for YOU!
After a weekend visit with our grown son who lives in Chicago, I felt energized, so energized that I wrote a new poem–even though I am a pretty extreme introvert and we had a very extraversion-filled weekend. I was energized because of the quality of the relationship we have with our son and we all so enjoyed each others company and enjoyed being positive, building each other up, expressing our love and appreciation for each other, and having fun together. So when we returned I was standing in my kitchen and had to grab paper and a pen because I felt this poem just had to be expressed. I just let it flow out of me and when I was done I realized I was still “standing up” in my kitchen! (leaning against the counter 🙂 ) I am so glad I listened to that still small voice in my head that said to write this down. Here is the poem that flowed out of me that cold, winter, sunday evening after our trip:
NOW Is A Good Time
By Roxanne Smith
Feb. 18, 2013
NOW’s a good time to nurture yourself and your feelings
To release the past and all painful dealings.
The pain’s coming up NOW so you’ll see the truth
of how you weren’t seen and loved in your youth.
The child inside, he or she yearns to be free.
The pain is just blocking your feelings of glee.
Joy and great gladness are all waiting there.
Waiting until you feel the truth and despair.
What happened to you was awful and sick
The pain you repressed was unbearable and thick.
You were too small and dependent back then
but now you are safe so the wounds can open
and your soul wants to heal these wounds from within.
You cannot move higher until you tell the truth of your kin.
How they poked you and pulled you down each time you succeeded
’til you gave up and blamed yourself… but they weren’t what you needed.
You were a bright star with a higher energy.
They were jealous and threatened by your desire to be free.
So you hid your true self until a much safer time–
It’s safe NOW so your soul is crying out as a sign
to be kind to your inner child who is coming out—please allow!
Don’t beat yourself up for feeling bad NOW.
Because you’re rising up from patterns ingrained in your head.
New ways of being are in your soul, time to shed
all the old pain, it must be felt to be released.
It is gone forever once you see the danger has ceased.
The danger was real then, don’t ever forget it
but now you choose new friends who are not like your inner critic.
You are learning your true self is a compassionate soul
who is kind to others and that is your role.
So being kind to your self is the very first step.
All day everyday you must give yourself pep!
Don’t listen to your inner critic—it is wrong and so mean
like those who abused you and weren’t nice as they seem.
You deserved better and NOW you must give it to your soul.
The more you are kind, the more you’ll feel Whole!
Each layer of pain will dissolve as you express
all of your confusion and unhappiness.
How could this be… you thought: “I was bad and wrong”
but really blaming “YOU” was unfair all along.
You were a bright light never harming a flea–
so easy to control because you trusted completely.
I hope you can see that you can reframe your past.
Replace those mean moments with self-love that will last.
Accepting Love from Above will change your beliefs about your core.
Who you are YOU must love so your dreams can then soar!
You are gifted and brilliant, a gift to us all.
You are treasured by those others who also feel this call.
The call’s mixed with pain and feeling bad about your childhood.
When you change your beliefs you will see your soul’s all Good!
Then you can reconnect with your self and find creativity and fun.
You’ll learn to relax and recharge from the sun.
Learn to listen to your body instead of working too hard.
You’ll get lots more done when you “play” in your yard.
Allowing yourself to enjoy being you
will slow you down and allow the pain to come through.
After a good cry, each time you’ll feel better–
lighter and lighter ‘til you’re light as a feather.
And allowing yourself to have space that is yours—
new boundaries to protect yourself will help open doors.
You must learn to feel grounded and connected to the earth.
This will help you feel solid and put yourself first.
You deserve to be happy and that starts with self-care.
After you are grounded, then you will become aware
that lifting up others is your gift and your purpose
and there’s a billion others out there who are not just kind on the surface.
They are deep and compassionate—you are not alone.
We are healing together as we feel grace and atone.
We did our best with all that we have known.
NOW we know it’s okay to be angry, then let it go.
Don’t hold onto blame, but blame needs to be spoken.
Release it and move on—don’t yell at the broken.
You are higher than they are (those who brought you down).
You don’t need to punish—you can just leave town
to start a new life and create all that your dreams can arrange.
Move forward… not fixing those who don’t want to change.
Trust these new feelings that spark in your heart.
Healing is painful but that’s only part.
This feeling’s inside that you’re finally alive!
Keep going with following your passions inside.
Don’t compare yourself to others—you have a new gig!
Let desires be your guide and your success will be BIG.
If you do this and trust your intuition inside
your internal guidance will help you to thrive.
Sometimes you’ll get stuck so you’ll need to be kind
to yourself when you inner critic starts messing with you mind.
Drop down to your heart instead of your head.
If you need to cry about something that was said,
grieve for this loss, the wrong path where you were led.
It hurt you so much, childhood pain must be shed
so we can see, that NOW we’re safe and free
And we would have parented differently!
And that’s good you are different and unique and that’s great!
I hope you can see that it’s never too late.
We often must go backward to move forward to be free.
You can heal and find wholeness—take it from me!
I found here a community of souls who relate–
I share how I healed and how sensitivity is great!
By journaling out the pain, I had new eyes to see.
My true voice was found, then my true self was free!
I know it sounds simple but it took a long time.
Try to trust in your feelings, then all will be fine.
As I followed my pain I got signs from above:
“relax and enjoy” and best “You are loved!”
I know of your pain– I know just how you feel.
It happened to me and I learned how to heal
So NOW as you journey from wounded to whole
I hope that these words will comfort your soul.
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Please share your feelings in a comment if this post resonates with you. Your comments also help others who are still struggling to find their voice. We can help uplift each other higher as a community of compassionate souls. Thank you for reading. Have a wonderful Spring–may the warmth of the Universe envelope you and comfort you NOW as you heal and grow to your true potential.
With love, light, and my deepest compassion,
Roxanne
Hope and Healing Haven 
I, too, am trying to heal after giving up a long time desire to “fix” all that was wrong. I read the most beautiful poem the other day and I recite it to myself when those critical, hurtful thoughts begin intruding my mind. I’ll share it here:
Poem by : Russell Kelfer
You are who you are for a reason.
You’re part of intricate plan.
You’re a precious and perfect unique design,
Called God’s special woman or man.
You look like you look for a reason.
Our God made no mistake.
He knit you together within the womb,
You’re just what he wanted to make.
The parents you had were the ones he chose,
And no matter how you may feel,
They were custom-designed with God’s plan in mind,
And they bear the Master’s seal.
No, that trauma you faced was not easy.
And God wept that it hurt you so;
But it was allowed to shape your heart
So that into his likeness you’d grow.
You are who you are for a reason,
You’ve been formed by the Master’s rod.
You are who you are, beloved,
Because there is a God!
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Hi Sarah W., Thank you for your comment and for sharing this beautiful poem. It’s so true–you are who you are for a reason! Thanks again for shining your light of God’s love and sharing your voice here with us. With warmest, caring wishes, Roxanne
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Thank you, thank you, thank you so much for these wise, encouraging words!
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Elizabeth, It means a lot to me that you appreciate this post! Thanks for letting me know! 😀 Sending you much comforting, caring, healing light and love as you continue on your healing journey, Roxanne
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I cried a lot while reading this post. Thank u. Blessings to u.
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ralways, Thank you for letting me know you were so moved by my post. Your thanks means a lot to me. Grieving loss is so healing for HSP survivors. I hope you find even more support and comfort here on my blog–welcome to our community! 🙂 Sending love, light, and caring wishes to you, Roxanne
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Although I moved away from my offenders, I still feel guilty for re-enforcing boundaries. I realize that after 20 years of a lack of boundaries, it was incredibly hard to stand up for myself and establish those boundaries. As a result, my family of origin made it clear that until I humbled myself and reunited with them according to their terms, I was going to remain in a position of shunning. I know that there is no way that we can re-connect and have any relationship unless there are strong boundaries set-up. Many times I feel like a child whenever I get around them or hear from them.
The sad part is that my siblings perceive me as the offender. I know they don’t know all the facts and are making their mind based on what they have been told; however, it breaks my heart.
I have a daughter now, she is a toddler & I am blessed to be able to raise her differently. However, I still feel shame about my past and my family of origin not being part of our lives.
I know this is a journey and my joy has been restored… I am able to laugh and enjoy life. However, in the back of my mind I remember the good and the bad… and sometimes wish I chose a different path because the pain of losing family hurts so much.
Thank you Roxanne for what you do… I need these words to forge forward and grow.
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Tori C. Thank you so much for your comment and for sharing your story of strength! Recovery for those who are scapegoated by their families is a grieving process. Allow the sadness to come up and release it and know it is making you stronger for a new life ahead. Remember that you have done nothing to feel shame about and the “shame-inducing” is part of the abuse to keep you down and from shining that bright light of yours that is your gift. It hurts to be unfairly accused–it is also abusive treatment. As you grieve and get stronger you will begin attracting new emotionally healthy people into your life who can be your new family. I wish I had known about Unity and Unitarian churches to join so my children could have a supportive and loving group to “belong” to –it is important to provide them with healthy relationships to model. Take your time with this though…it takes time to learn to trust again. As you learn to trust yourself you will trust your choices of people to add to your circle of safe and supportive friends. Your daughter is lucky to have you for a mother to protect you from being around all those toxic and negative relationships and be a role model with healthy boundaries! Yay for you! You can do it, Tori! Stay strong–You are creating a new and better life for yourself and your daughter!! Congratulations and Welcome to our Community! With warmest wishes to you, Roxanne
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I also feel tremendous pain from being shunned by my family after being scapegoated all these years and I struggle with it almost daily. I hope I feel better soon. It is so hard to understand how they can move on without me.
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Janice, Thank you for your comment! Sending you warm and caring wishes as you continue to heal and see that you deserve to be FREE and shine your light which is your gift to the planet!
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Hello Roxanne,
I stumbled across your site at the most perfect time. Im a 31 year old female from Sweden who has recently begun the process of healing. Your words are like sweet lotion to the soul and you inspire me to go deeper. Thanks to your positivity and this beautiful poem i found myself for the first time speaking to myself in a kind and loving manner!
Coming from a middleeastern family where family ties are extremely important it has been hard to face/deal with the abusive situation. Even though i have been abused, manipulated and used by my narcissistic mother i never dared to think the thought of stepping out, until now. She spent alot of time trying to break me..but she didnt succeed 🙂
After much soulsearching, self inquiry and the help and love from my beautiful husband I am starting to come back to my true self, nurturing and healing the inner child. I went No contact just 2 month ago and i have no words for how much life has improved.
Im showering in grace, dancing in joy and swimming in love! Life is beautiful, truly.
Wanted to show my gratitude for your site, it has helped tremendously.
Thank you so much for sharing and caring, you are appreciated. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
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Hi AD! Thank you for the kind words and the eloquent and inspiring way you express your story which gives hope to us all!! 😀 Wow. Do you mind if I use your words on my testimonials page:
“Your words are like sweet lotion to the soul and you inspire me to go deeper. Thanks to your positivity and this beautiful poem i found myself for the first time speaking to myself in a kind and loving manner!”
This is what my hope always is, that amazing souls such as yourself who are wounded at the core begin to love themselves again and heal. Congratulations on your recovery from lost to found and again I quote you: “Im showering in grace, dancing in joy and swimming in love! Life is beautiful, truly.” Wow! Beautiful! I am grateful to have met your beautiful soul! You are very welcome, AD. Welcome to our community of hsp survivors! 😀 Sending you grateful, caring, healing wishes and much love and light to add to the bright shining light that you already are, Roxanne
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Hi again Roxanne, Thanks for the love! Im sitting at work in front of the computer with a BIG smile on my face 😀
Please feel free to use the words, just happy to contribute to this wonderful platform.
Best wishes to you and all those lovely souls on this journey!
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:D!!!
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Your posts and blogs are very helpful to me at this time. Being the 46 year old child, Hsp and caregiver (since the death of my father 9 months ago) of a now elderly N mother I continue to struggle with my sense of self. I had reached awareness that had been suppressed just a few years ago and had done fairly well at setting boundaries with my mother but now find myself in a horrible place as I stupidly fell prey to her control again and now she lives in my home with my family. Its not a good combination and I don’t see any light at the end of the tunnel. She is now using her detreriating health and lack of self care to be the vehicle to arouse our concern and get attention. I am a strong loving caring woman of faith and I know God has revealed these things to me in his timing, however I have been very bitter towards my mother and I don’t like my family seeing me like this. I have been considering counseling but am afraid all I will do is cry and it will all come out wrongly. Having your posts to read helps me know that I can have hope and to breath and take one day at a time.
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Lori, Thank you so much for your sharing of your story–I am so glad my blog is helpful to you during this stressful time. Finding a good supportive counselor for yourself can make all the difference sometimes. Keep reaching out until you find the right one that understands and supports your crying. Keep reading my blog comments and posts for support. Your comment which shows your inner strength helps others out there who are also taking life one day at a time. Warmest wishes and blessings to you as you continue to heal, Roxanne
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Dear Roxanne,
Thank you so much for your blog and also for your incredible poem. I fell into tears when I started reading it. It is so true and deep and it touches every part of my being. After decades of struggling with the traumas of abusive and narcissistic mother and a grandoman father I am slowly starting to heal myself. I am trying to replace the inner critics with more possitive messages and am doing quite well but am still impressed how difficult this is. I realised that I needed so much time because deep in my heart I am very loyal to my mother (although I openly have been telling her for years that she was abusive and did horrible things to me and my brother and especially to my father) and her own impossiblity to be happy. Somehow the little one of me has decided a long time ago to sacrifice its own happyness to make her happier. This recently become clear to me after an evening meditation. Now I know that being unhappy for so many years did not make her happier on the contrary and I decided to give myself a change for a new life.
It is however also difficult because I chose a husband who has the same traits as my mother and we have a small son who I adore.
I thank you again for your blog and your story. May you never forget your true connection with everything there is and the great Universe. Bless you
Iza
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Thank you for your wonderful, insightful comment, Iza. I understand all you say here and I am so happy you are finding support from this blog. Thank you for letting me know you were touched by my poem. Welcome to our community! Warmest wishes to you as you continue to heal, Roxanne
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Roxanne I have just printed out this poem of yours and read it crying and feeling so profoundly understood. It also gave me hope that one day I will be as healed as you. I will stick all along my bathroom mirror so I can read it everyday and give myself time to remember I am a soul that deserves love as I’m a being of light and love.
You have touched me and I feel grateful for your presence in the world 🙂
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Maree, Wow thank you for letting me know that my poem is so helpful to you!! I feel so happy to know it affected you in this way! You have uplifted my soul as well by your generous gesture displaying the light and love innate in your soul. :D!!
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