Hi everyone. Here’s a great article for Highly Sensitive, Intuitive People and/or Empaths who are feeling a lot of emotions and/or physical symptoms that have you feeling confused, frustrated, and stuck. Highly empathic people can often feel the feelings of others as if they are your own.
I know this sounds really “out there” but it is a fact that many highly sensitive people are able to absorb negative energy from other people and feel it both emotionally and/or physically. This article explains how this is possible and has some great helpful tips on how to take care of yourself and your sensitivity to other people’s emotions. It includes a wonderful video by psychiatrist Dr Judy Orloff (Author of Guide to Intuitive Healing) that is a “must see” for all HSPs in my opinion :).
Please check it out with an open mind and give your self lots of time to process this information if it is just too much for you to take in and believe at first. If you are indeed an empath, this information can help you begin to understand why you feel so critical of yourself and so different from other people. This ability is actually a very special gift to have and you can learn skills to help your self and even begin to help others if you so desire.
Click here for the article=>http://www.wikihow.com/Stop-Absorbing-Other-People’s-Emotions
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This Section Updated March 2016
I deleted some parts on this page about dark souls or dark entities that were insights from Sylvia Browne. I now believe that it is not of service to call any soul a dark soul but realize that malignant narcissists are just “completely” disconnected from their true essence and light. I believe due to severe abuse and atrocities from childhood, malignant narcissists etc. have had the dark wounded parts of themselves take over and run the show–their lack of remorse is evidence of this complete separation from their true essence. Their free will is at hand here so there is no hope of “fixing” them or healing them because they don’t believe or want to be fixed or healed. Sylvia Browne is to be honored for her service and for her positive contributions to many people awakening to the hope that Love and Light really exists on another plane that we can all access and believe in. I believe we are all (especially highly sensitive people) connected to these positive Forces For Good of the Universe (God) and we will thrive as we make efforts to go inward to connect to these forces and follow our inner guidance. I no longer recommend Sylvia’s theories or books (although I am still grateful for having read them as part of my journey).
I also removed the link about Dark Entities at the bottom of the page. I now recommend Sanaya Roman’s books for a higher New Age perspective coming from a place of love, compassion, and gratefulness to come to an understanding of how to deal with these issues.
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HSPs and EMPATHS–YOU ARE LOVED AND YOU ARE A SOURCE OF LIGHT AND LOVE THAT HELPS OTHERS.
Hi everyone. Inspired by comments on this page, I am adding some helpful information for empaths.
I have come to understand that Love and our positive feelings thoughts and energies are always stronger than the negative and dark energies around us and will heal, dissolve, and repel them. So there is nothing to fear.
Some say we are here on the planet to learn lessons through the painful experiences that happen to us (there is no pain in heaven so we must come here to evolve our souls to new heights and learn the healing power of compassion and love for ourselves.) Then once you are healing emotionally then you can help heal others if you choose.
But just your being here on the planet is enough. You do not have to do anything. You are a bright light and source of love and an inspiration to others just by being. Take some time to heal and stop listening to the “shoulds” from insensitive people who are steeped in negativity and fear. Fear is the opposite of love. Learn to love your true self and find inner peace. Don’t try to help others until you have fully healed and have extra to give while balancing all the needs in your own life. Stop being a people-pleaser and don’t compare yourself to others. Surround yourself with people who love you easily. If there aren’t any, you must start with loving yourself and knowing you are loved by God. That is all you need to start healing. When you start changing your inner beliefs of your worthiness you will start attracting more and more people who see you clearly because you see you clearly. But if your life is full of people who drain your energy and your time, then there is no space available so the universe can send you some new healthy relationships who will appreciate you and reciprocate your love. First, take some time for yourself, be still, and heal your inner wounds.
“Relax and enjoy your life and everything will be all right.”
I received those words loud and clear as a very vivid and real message in a semi-dream state when I was waking up one morning–I experienced this years ago and it awakened me and changed my life and caused me to slow down and tune into my intuition so that I could hear more loving guidance. This message was exactly what I needed to hear at the time and all I knew was that it was not from me and it immediately comforted me–I had this deep feeling of “wow–someone up there cares about me”. Sylvia Browne says that we each have our own spirit guide. (Others refer to them as guardian angels.) They are there to help you at all times giving you insights and access to your creativity and your intuition from your higher self–this is what I refer to as your inner guidance (those aha moments).
Some helpful visualization techniques for empaths:
The Mirror Visualization–When you are feeling bad (a lot of negative feelings and negative energy from your own emotional wounds and from others) it may help you to visualize God’s love, light, and bliss coming down on you from heaven (there is no negativity in heaven) and imagining a protective barrier like a cylinder around you with one continuous mirror shining outwards surrounding you. The mirror reflects the negativity back to itself thus deflecting it away from you (negative energy is looking for positive energy to “feed on” and exchange with)–this is a very helpful visualization that really works to protect you and for when you need recharging. Imagine the top of the cylinder is open and the beam of light that comes down fills up this cylinder with you inside and you are completely safe. You can imagine it as large as you like so that you feel comfortable.
Decharging Negative Energy–When you are feeling other people’s negative feelings you can release them by saying to yourself, “these are not my feelings, I am going to let them go” and visualize these negative feelings as negative energy going away from you. It takes time and healing to know what are your feelings coming up from childhood wounds at your core and what belongs to others.
Working through and healing your childhood wounds is what I assist with as a life coach as well as teaching journaling techniques, visualizations, and positive affirmations for any of you who are interested. You can recharge yourself by feeling God’s love for you from within your own heart and also from the earth which is highly recharging as well as water, air, and fire (the 4 elements). So you can decharge and recharge from baths, candles, walks in nature etc. As I wrote about in a past post, imagining yourself grounded in the earth and receiving positive healing energy from the planet and nature can help so much.
For now, read my page of Recommended Books for all the books that have helped me get to where I am today. I highly recommend Sanaya Roman’s books if you know you are an empath but the inner child healing books are necessary as well for adult surviviors of narcissistic parents. John Gray’s book that I listed is where I learned the most about decharging and recharging for HSPs–it is great!
Sending all of you love and light,
Roxanne 😀
Hope and Healing Haven 
Hi
I’ve just come stumbling over your site, after reading about empath and hsp. Only one sentence and i am already struggling against myself in writing this, it probably sounds weird but its as if my body/mind or whatever just locks itself up when i try to open myself. So I’ll make this short. I loved the poem you wrote, “Poem of Hope and Healing for the Highly Sensitive Survivor” brought me to tears. I just wonder, i believe i am hsp. But Empath I’m not so sure, feels as if i i am only making excuses for myself if i believe that. But a few months ago i had a weird experience, my brother came up to me crying talking about his girlfriend and how she seemed suicidal on the phone, and wanted me to drive him over the her. Now i had somewhat normal day, but when he came up to me like that, i started crying too. Then i sort of stopped it somehow, “sucked in in” then when i let go, i started to cry again. And then i sort of sucked it up again. As if i could decide to open myself to his feelings or close myself. Something similar happened later, when i decided to take walk to a little mountain top we have. I had prepared music and ready to go. Feeling great and watching at the stars as walked, then suddenly two neighbors walked past me. After a short greeting i continued, but my mood went downhill. After walking for about 2min i ended up sitting down and felt an unexplainable sadness. I tried going to the top, but i could not get back to the feeling i had when i started walking. I’ll stop here, seems i opened up a bit. Hope it’s okay that i just randomly show up, asking for attention sort of.. Wish you all the best:)
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Hi Thomas, Thank you for your comment. It is okay and a good question. I answer all comments because I feel that for each person asking there are many others out there also wanting to know the same thing. So I answer briefly when I can… more complex inquiries I refer to my Coaching or Ask the Coach Services. From what you describe, saying “struggling against yourself writing this” it sounds like a deep “hidden” fear from childhood of expressing your true voice but you are learning to over-ride this “inner critic” in your head and expressing yourself anyway. Wonderful! Thank you for your kind words about my poem, I appreciate it very much. 🙂
From what you describe, it sounds like you are an empath and you are picking up others feelings as if they are your own feelings. It is confusing to be feeling so many feelings until we hear about being “empathic” and then it is a relief to finally realize, “Oh it’s not my feelings, that makes sense”. It sounds like you are, rather than “sucking it in”, more likely you are letting it go and NOT internalizing it at those times OR you are dissociating and just going numb at those times. (We learn to dissociate or “not feel” as a means of survival as children when we were in trauma). I am not sure, I would need to get to know you better. Either way you can learn to understand your empathic abilities–and, although you can not healthily turn off this “radar” that is a gift, you can learn to acknowledge it as someone else’s and then say to yourself, “these are not my feelings, I am going to let them go” (with this you visualize this negative energy leaving you). This takes time, self-knowledge, and patience with yourself to become skilled. Yes, you picked up the repressed sadness of the two neighbors (repressed meaning they may not even be conscious that they felt this way inside). It is my pleasure to meet a fellow empath, Thomas. 🙂 Welcome to our community! Warmest wishes to you, Roxanne
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Hi glad to have found this site….I am HSP and probably an empath. I am seeking to heal from agoraphobia, which I feel is linked to my sensitivity and other things from absorbing from a dysfunctional family. I need to get my life back, and am getting so tired of trying to find a long term solution. It takes a long time to insight!! Anyone else had agoraphobia and got over it?
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Hi Jane, Thank you for this comment and for sharing your feelings with us. You are a valued member of our community and your words help many others out there who are also struggling with agoraphobia. I am sending my warmest wishes as you continue to heal. With love and light, Roxanne
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hello.I was always highly empathic. I dont have problem with empathy, but other people dont do the same thing. Empathy is support, and when I express my support with that way,its ok with others, but when I ask for empathy they leave me alone.
So how must our friendships,relations must be? Frivolous in order not to get hurt?because if you have no empathy , nobody can hurt you!
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Hello sofia, Thank you for your comment. I believe those of us with compassion and empathy have a gift that others don’t–a highly evolved soul with a higher vibration. You KNOW it’s right to help others in this way but most other souls haven’t learned this yet. It is rare to find a highly compassionate friend–you will begin attracting them when you love yourself and heal your inner wounds. You are on your way! Warmest wishes to you, Roxanne
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And you know when you reach fourties, you see that people dont show empathy every one cares only for himself!
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Sad to say , that I agree, most people I have met, not all, are very much into themselves, and sometimes they cannot even listen to you, its so obvious and sad really, empaths, would find it hard to be selfish, the impulse is strong to try and help. I realise sometimes though this impulse can be coming from a not always healthy reason, such as a tendency to be co dependent, I read an excellent article about this issue, and saw that I needed to work yet some more on myself, gosh does this self work never end?
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There are people who care for others, look at us empaths, for instance ! And when one finds a caring person or two or three …. or more …. one can share and grow …. the beauties (of life) ! Embrace that beauty …. gratitude (reminder)
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In our forties, we get clarity that we want more from our friendships. A higher level of relating is out there. Shine your light and other shining lights will feel it and find you!
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Hi anyone else and empath with AGORAPHOBIA…….I am running out of options to find a way out of this dam mess…..did I actually choose to be an empath in this life? I must have been mad, all I have experienced is struggle and illness, where is the joy and happiness? No I am not a victim, I am trying to help myself, and I don’t moan and moan about my lot too anyone….but I wish there was a forum where we could give productive help to each other. This is a great site to have found, thanks very much for it.
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Hi Jane, Thank you for this comment and for speaking out to ask for a forum to support each other. Your kind words about my site are greatly appreciated. 😀 Love and light to you, Roxanne
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So what are the limits of ourselves and others? I suppose we must have superficial relationships either friendships or relations and to be happy with
that.But who is happy with something superficial only sometimes and then?
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Hi Sofia and everyone, As a highly sensitive and intuitive person, you are part of a group of 15 to 20% of the population that is deep, caring, and compassionate with much love to give. Our giving nature is an inspiration to others who are also part of this 15 to 20%. I have read that nearly 2/3rds of the souls on this planet are here “for themselves” and not to experience or give love to others. They (narcissists) are like energy vampires and some who try to put out our “lights” and diminish our belief in our gifts. I was shocked when I first heard this number but then after awhile it sunk in and I realized it fit with my own experience with others. You do not have to be around anyone who makes you feel bad–one third of the population is over 2 BILLION PEOPLE–and empathetic compassionate people are out there. When you begin to love yourself as you are, stop comparing yourself to others, and protect your self and your energy from negative and selfish people by staying away from them, you will start attracting and finding more compassionate people like yourself in your life. Do not settle for superficial relationships–take the road less traveled :)–it is the path to love and enlightenment and inner peace. With love and light, Roxanne
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I just bursted out in tears reading this. I have beeen struggling so bad with feeling unworthy of goodness, unworthy to be here, and unworthy to be withoyt my n-mom soul stalking me. Its like I feel like im bad or evil. Thats all, its something I am dealing with.
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Thank you, Aja, for your comment and for sharing your feelings with us. You are supported by all who read this site and many who feel the same way (150 views a day average). Sending you healing comfort and love and light, Roxanne
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This is great advice. I don’t blame myself now for not being able to mix with most people, I understand myself now, and I refuse to be a sponge for people’s problems, if I want to help I will, but whilst I am healing and finding a way to get over my issues, I do not want to take on other’s issues.. I also long for intelligent conversation, the masses are very dumbed down:(
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Yay! Jane, I am so glad this was helpful! Did you mean the comment I left or the link to Judy Orloff’s info? I don’t mean to ignore your previous comments which are highly insightful–I just saw this last one from sophia when I had a few minutes to respond. A wonderful FORUM is forming on this page. I have a link about light and dark entities that I am going to add to this page soon that I think you and other empaths will find interesting and helpful. Stay tuned. With warmest healing wishes, Roxanne
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hi Roxanne..I meant your comments were helpful, thank you. I have had low energy all my life, so this has made being an empath painful and difficult, coupled with the very low self esteem and lack of confidence, constant health problems, my life has been a big struggle, and I have not been able to be in the world with any degree of peace joy or success. I say this just to explain my situation, not to beg for sympathy.
I started to slowly see my situation in a different way, I was having therapy, and said to my therapist, we need to treat my lack of life force, well that did help up to a point, but no where near the breakthrough I am looking for.
we have discovered that I came into this life in trauma, probably even before birth, ie past life, so I have not been able to be in my body, for an empathic
type, this is pretty disastrous, and so we are going to tackle this, its also a far of being in the body, so I have been ungrounded..
Life has been hard and not pleasant..there have been good times, but really not so many.
I hope to heal, and become a healthy and strong empath, and one that can then make a difference, but, we do not have to feel guilty when we don’t want to hear problems, and that is fine, there is no rule book that says we are rrsponsible for other people’s suffering, however, that is all very well to say that, we have to know it and feel it:))
I long to mend my slow puncture, that does not allow me to ever know what a strong and energetic body feels like, it is worth more than a million pounds anyday:) LOW ENERGY = NO LIFE
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I have a bit of a ” its also a fear of being in the body, so I have been ungrounded.. ” thing, too. So would be interested in what your therapist comes up with …. Greetings ! x x
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I understand you completely, through astrological studies I have come to find out for sure that there was trauma for me in the womb. I dissociated from my body most of my life. Last year I came across a healing modality called somatic expierence, coined by Dr. Peter a. Levine. He has audiobooks which are great because his voice is very soothing and grounding. He also has other books you can order online which explain the modality in depth. After doing just one exercise I remember my life force energy unwinding, spreading evenly, and breathing a whole lot better. If it wasn’t for this method helping get my spirit back into my body I wouldn’t have had the light to sing. I hadnt sang in front of people for ten years and after practicing somatic expierencing I had the natural confidence to start gigging again. I know I sound like a poster child but this is the best modality I have ever found so far. I cheer you on, on your journey, you can do it.
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Wow, wow, wow. After 34 years on this planet, I’ve crucified myself for being weirdly over sensitive, not like everyone else and so often unable to explain or justify my emotions and the sensations that occur in my body. I don’t ‘gel’ with most people, I just don’t understand them and find them one dimensional. I do not think I am superior in anyway, but it’s like being on a different astral plane. Your site is a wonderful tool for understanding, and sharing and learning with other HSP’s.
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Thanks so much for letting me know that this information was so helpful to you. I like your description of a different astral plane. Sounds like you get it! Have you taken an empath test online?– http://quizfarm.com/quizzes/new/Pangelic/what-kind-of-empath-are-you/
Seems like you might be an empath. Check out the clairsentientbody website on my links list also. So happy for you that you are understanding yourself and your gifts now after all these years. Yay for you!! 😀 With warmest wishes, Roxanne
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I empathise with your reply and agree with it, Its lonely being different and also that includes having a mind that is lateral thinking and into many wide array of interests, most people are so dead from the neck upwards, you may chide me for my judgement, but when you have lived so long in the frustrating desert of not meeting someone vibrationally compatible, life gets really tedious and to top it one may have health issues which have been unrelenting:( love and light don’t cut it with me……..
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Loneliness is a symptom of the traumatic separation from your true self in early childhood. When you came to the planet you were not lonely–you had love in your heart and someone destroyed your love for yourself and for being alone. (There are many people who are alone but not a bit lonely.) You are looking for someone else to fill this void and are angry but your anger is displaced. Where is your anger at your parents or whoever abused you so much as a tiny child that they made you feel you need to find someone else to make you feel whole? When you have compassion for yourself and the trauma you went through as a child, (and can see that the brilliant left brain visionary thinking you came here with was a gift to share and to be grateful for,) you will start attracting other higher intelligent yet sensitive friends because you have something to give from the heart. Your health issues will fade as you heal the emotions from childhood. I used to have severe health problems so I really do get it. See my blog post about stress-related illness. Also, your “feelings” are meant to be your guide for finding fulfillment in life. Often gifted left-brained thinkers shut off the right brain because the feelings are painful so they seem to be of no use. Journaling through the pain often helps people find their joy and trust in life again. This is my blog’s whole philosophy in a nutshell. 😀
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thank you Roxanne, I am in fact working hard on healing, I hope I can find my way back to self love ……i am working on it. I am learning more about my start in life, from a wider past life perspective ..on top of that one has ones family unit in this life, and love was not installed, not the love that matters, I was not unloved, but I think I did not feel the love that I needed to feel. I guess that is why I would want to keep others at bay. However..I can and have loved, my dear friend who passed last year, I loved him a great deal, he felt safe.
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Roxanne, thank you so very much for your wonderful blog. I am an HSP, empath and intuitively gifted. I am also a survivor of a narcissistic mother. Like Sylvia Browne, I had also seen people in the same terms. I had seen my mother as a dark entity since my teen years and I am now 58, I never told anyone that I saw her as a dark entity. What has made it even more difficult is that my mother is also an empath (not all empaths are empathetic) and gifted. It gave her a double advantage, and she is what I define as an energy vampire. She really fed off the negative emotions and pain that she inflicted on everyone. I suspect that is true of most narcissists.
I really have held on tightly to this passage “The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it.” In the dark, good and evil look alike; in the light they can be clearly distinguished. So it’s imperative to let your light shine.
Thank you for validating this for me.
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Jan, Thank you so much for your comment. This is important information that you reveal about not all empaths being “empathetic” (correction 3/23/12). We must all be cautious about the rare highly sensitive person or empath who is actually an energy vampire. I actually came across one myself recently and thankfully I listened to the red flags in her behavior–extreme neediness and no compassion unless you do what she wants you to do–guilt-inducing to an extreme! I also heard of an inner child healing therapist who abused his clients sexually–just horrible!!!
Your passage is so helpful and true–light is always stronger than darkness. They may try to put out our lights, but if we shine brighter instead, then the darkness is repelled. (But while we are healing, and not feeling strong yet, it is better to avoid being around all darkness (negativity)–and seek out others with light (positivity).) If anyone makes you feel “not good enough as you are”, it is their negativity you are picking up–avoid them!
Wow, amazing that you were able to see your mother as a dark entity and an empath. You figured it out! You must innately be a highly evolved soul and meant to share your knowledge to help others stay on the path of truth! Thank YOU for validating this for ME. 😀 Warmest wishes, Roxanne
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“also an empath (not all empaths are empathetic)” How can an empath not be empathic ? I think there must be anothe word for that.
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Hi Ali, I think the word that suits best here is “empathetic”. Not all empaths are empathetic (compassionate to the feelings of others).
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Roxanne,
I just came across your site while researching narcissistic mothers. This is so wonderful. I have known for some time that I am a highly evolved ‘sensitive’ intuitive and empathic. To see how the childhood core issues can be healed through this understand..so great. I am now ‘following’. Thank you.
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rosegram, Thank you so much for your comment and for your kind words. So glad that this site resonates with you and that you find it supportive and helpful! Thank you for the Follow! Welcome to our community (late but heartfelt!)! Sending you warmest wishes, Roxanne
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This last year, I let my light shine but then felt like people were not appreciating it so I hid under a basket and hurt myself so I wouldn’t have a light to shine. Later, I wanted to be that person I was before letting my light shine, but now felt like a hypocrite doing so. Like now, after hardship and having an opportunity and not taking it, now you are going to let your light shine. Sometimes, I care too much about how others view me but sometimes I am aware that our own actions really do affect people around us. Sometimes I don’t want to shine my own light if others aren’t going to shine theirs. Then again, sometimes others have a light to shine but have extenuating circumstances in their lives.
I feel like, after my selfish actions this year, I still feel like a hypocrite letting my light shine. I was genuinely soft and sweet and humble and caring before and that I wounded my ownself, I feel calloused and resentful. I am so used to being positive about things no matter what has happened in my life and faithfully rely on God in the process, and I see others around me with negativity and wonder what I am missing. Now to find out there are others with feelings just like mine, now I understand but I should have known before.
What has always made me angry and that’s why I caved in last year sending out distress signals to others, is some people treat me like I have seen nothing and life is easy for me and I have time on my hands. These comments come from stressed out people. It makes me angry because I am able to have my own joy and health because although I live in this world just like them, I have learned to budget my time and assets, to enjoy every sunshiney day, and to take care of myself. And I have been through enough in my own life to know what hardship is.
So instead of me being rightfully angry about these negative comments, I need to go on living my life with joy and hopefully sharing it with people that do appreciate it.
I feel like a fool for tearing myself apart so I can ‘fit in’ with and understand others around me and their stressful lives but when you look at life through their eyes like that, it is truly painful. It’s sad that so many people live their lives from one stressful moment to the next and their competition is how much stress can they handel in their lives. I cannot live my life safely like that. Ciao!
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Tara, Thank you for your comment and for sharing your feelings. For HSPs to heal the past, compassion for yourself is rule #1. Please forgive yourself!–you always have good intentions and you are a rare compassionate soul! 😀 With love and light, Roxanne
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Just want to say thank you so much for writing this…and for existing! Having a bad evening this evening, been feeling really low and worthless and I’m 4 months pregnant too, so 10 times more sensitive than I usually am…which is ridiculously sensitive anyway being that I too am an empath/clairsentient. I needed a nudge back in the right direction and you’ve given me that. I grew up with a malignant narcissist for a mother and broke free a few years ago….moved hundreds of miles away and cut all contact, have a wonderful partner and his family are amazing. They’ve all healed me so much. But I’m still healing and still trying to find and understand myself. I have times where I hit rock bottom and feel worthless and bitter and like the world hates me and that I don’t belong here. Tonight was one of those nights but I feel I was meant to find your website and it’s brought me right back to a state of peace and I’ve felt the light go back into me. It’s also hugely healing just knowing there are people out there I can relate to and who feel the same as me. Thank you again, and so much love to you all x
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Hi Kate, Thank you so much for this…music to my ears!! Remember, when things are going well for us survivors, that’s when the pain comes up to heal… to show us how bad we felt in our childhood–learning to love and comfort ourselves through this repressed pain we suffered as little children will heal us deeply so we can change the cycle of abuse for our children and, over time, become healers for other compassionate souls. I hope you continue to find support throughout my blogposts. Welcome to our community! Warmest comforting and caring wishes of love and light to you, 😉 Roxanne
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That visualization trick is amazing! Just last night I was imagining a nice blue laser (I love lasers) illuminating me from the sky. It was positive energy and just as you described – it could be used as a high energy field to replenish goodness. As a sci-fi nut, I additionally imagined making a portal and sending the beam back in time to me when I was younger!
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Thanks so much for your comments, Alec! I am so happy to know my writing resonates with you and validates your feelings. 🙂 I like the portal idea–anything that helps your inner child (younger self) feel better will work! Warmest wishes to you and welcome to our community! 😀 Roxanne
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Can anyone help clarify for me why my mother keeps trying to have contact with my children when I have “outed” her as a dark entity by shining a light on her behavior so she no longer has interest in me? I have taught my children not to deny that they have seen her without her mask and that it is very ugly. I want to teach them early that they do not have to subject themselves to people who behave poorly, even if it is family. I have tried my best to let them form their own judgments about how much contact they want with Grandma (none) so that they can reach their own conclusions and understandings. They are both highly gifted intuitives and I feel more harm will come to them if I try to cover up what is going on with Grandma completely because they will sense it anyway but won’t have the necessary support or tools to understand and deal with it if the behavior they have witnessed is not openly acknowledged and discussed. I don’t want them to grow up thinking they are responsible for Grandma’s happiness or lack thereof or that they or I are the cause of her poor behavior, that their Grandma doesn’t care about them, etc. They have no interest in interacting with her but she will not give up! We basically have a no contact situation but in setting boundaries I have indicated that only LOVING messages and actions will be accepted for me and my children (figuring that will never actually happen, but in case it does, it will be accepted). Instead of sending loving messages we get constant and ongoing requests for contact with my children. Every message requests them to call back instead of being no strings attached. We just got the “Happy New Year” voicemail addressed only to my children but on my cell with explicit instructions to my children on how to call her. She always indicates how she wants to hear about their lives and share about hers. Sounds really nice if it were a “normal” relationship that could ensue. Of course I just pass on that Grandma called to wish them a Happy New Year so that they don’t wonder why their Grandma doesn’t try to have contact with them like most Grandmas do. Thankfully, I have an extremely loving and unconditional mother in law, and a decent enough father who is a wonderful grandparent so the kids have a wonderful ability to compare and contrast grandparent relationships. They can see this one is way off her rocker. It is never enough to just send good wishes – messages always require action in return. No gifts or cards, just constant requests for action on her command. The last gifts, received over a year ago, were small paintings sent by mail instructing the kids that they should appreciate how special they are and how it will mean so much to them and that they would want to put them on the wall in their bedrooms to think about how much Grandma loves them. (Creepy! Telling my kids how they should feel and what actions they should take as a result!) She also decided what “pet” names my kids would grow up calling her and her husband before they were even old enough to establish a relationship. Is she just looking for her next set of victims because her own children moved on? She recently asked me to set up a weekly scheduled phone visitation with my kids and I said no. To someone on the outside, I probably seem horrible and cruel to deny my children and their Grandma a “special” relationship. I have invested ALL of the light I can muster and put it into my children. They are a reflection of everything I have overcome and am still trying to heal. It seems like they are the last and best treasure of mine that horrible woman can try and take away from me now that I am on to her. Luckily, they have been raised well enough that I don’t think it is possible for her to ruin them, but I do need to protect them from her trying! Any advice on how to handle all this in the most healthy way for my kids (ages 13 and 10)? I don’t want to drag them into my problems by overloading them with information but they are aware of or at least sense emotionally everything that happens whether I want them to be or not!
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Healing Path, Thank you for your comment and for sharing your story. Everything you say here I support and I would go further to say you are right in protecting your children from such a manipulative person in their lives–because you know personally the damage she can do because of your own childhood. Why put her in a positive light at all to your children? Tell the truth that she did not love you the way you needed as a child and still doesn’t now and then they will not be confused why you are telling them positive things about her–narcissists are separated from their own light so they don’t really care about their grandchildren except for appearances. Don’t feel guilty for having no contact boundaries with your kids too–You KNOW the damage she can do. Who cares what other people think!? You are doing what is right!! Sending inner strength to be strong, Roxanne
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Hello in the spirit of sharing, anyone who is struggling to heal you may want to look at
http://www.innerwise.eu although this therapy hails from Germany, it really is unique and there are some self help options from a very inexpensive kit from Amazon a book and a set of cards ,with a little amulet, its all about vibrational healing and includes a wide variety of vibrational options, from bach flower remedies angelic remedies and much more. I had my first session on skype with a practitioner and am very impressed. The founder of the method does have a youtube in English, showing the self test, like kineiology but more accurate, and a short explanation of his method. I am having this therapy to heal my agoraphobia. Make a comment if you want more info.
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Thank you for your comment, Jane, and for sharing what is helping your agoraphobia. 😀 Warmest wishes, Roxanne
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Thank you Roxanne. I always like to share information that may help others:)
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