Category Archives: exhaustion
PAIN FROM THE PAST
Lyrics by Roxanne Smith
Feelings coming up from I don’t know where
I don’t want to feel it but avoid it I don’t dare
‘Cause it’s pain from the past you see
Comin’ up to say hello to me
Just keep it a movin’ until I’m free
Let it move on through and away from me
They say it gets easier as the old layers heal
I can tell I am stronger and I’m more grounded and real
But sometimes it’s thick and pulls me back down
To how I felt as a child when love was not around
It’s just pain from the past you see
Comin’ up to say hello to me
Just keep it a movin’ until I’m free
Let it move on through and away from me
What happened back then can’t be made right
But I can love that little child in me with all my might
I can protect her and soothe her pain
I deserved love back then and now I’m gonna make it rain
Make it rain love love love
Coming down on me
Make it rain love love love
Until I’m free
Wash away all of the doubt
And the fear and shame
Until I’m a bright shining light again
with no more pain
Repeat 1st verse:
Feelings comin up from I don’t know where
I don’t want to feel it but avoid it I don’t dare
‘Cause it’s pain from the past you see
Comin’ up to say hello to me
Just keep it on movin’until I’m free
Let it move on through and away from me.
Original Song © 2014 Roxanne Smith
Hello everyone! Lots of good things have been happening with my music performances and my coaching in the last couple of months so I’ve been very busy with that. It’s very exciting and somewhat surreal as I keep reaching outside of my comfort zone. HOWEVER, just recently I’ve been surprised by the intensity of feelings coming up that I haven’t felt for a long time or maybe EVER. I know I’m so much stronger because I am observing this happening rather letting it get me down. However, I’ve been surprised at the intensity of old feelings, anxiety, lack of motivation, and emotional pain. I reassure myself that it’s old stuff on the way out but I have the say Man I’m very surprised at the intensity and heaviness of the feelings that been coming and going in the last few days! I look up and listen to youtube channellings on the spiritual guidance about solar flares and energy upgrades and ascension symptoms and things of this nature at times like these when I feel out of sorts. I usually get comfort and confirmation that something big is going on with the planets energy and this time is no exception. One of my favorites for highly sensitive souls and empaths, if you are interested, is Lee Harris Energy. Check his video out at the bottom of this post if you are interested.
So if you are feeling out of sorts, lost your confidence, extra tired and unmotivated, and experiencing bouts of emotional pain, and/or loneliness please know you are not alone and this too shall pass. Highly sensitive souls are feeling it because it’s a gift to be so clairsentient and empathic–it’s not because it’s a curse or a problem. Please allow these times of emotional healing and physical healing to reassure you that you belong to a unique and special tribe of souls here on earth with an innate higher vibration. You might possibly be a lightworker and you might like to google this word and see if you resonate with the meaning of it–it may help you feel supported if you are feeling drawn to learning about spiritual awakening.
If you identify as an empath, introvert, or HSP then you might possibly still be a sponge and absorbing the unfelt feelings of the collective consciousness–this could be happening to you if you are still healing childhood wounds. Learning about grounding techniques and positive affirmations can help a lot. Take solace in knowing you are not alone and you are part of a tribe of highly sensitive people all going through similar emotional healing in similar ways. Please comment if you are needing support from others in this community right now or if you relate to what I am saying. Or let us know if you are doing great and zooming right through because of healing that is behind you. Everyone is different and it’s fascinating to see how we are all healing in different ways and yet similar in other ways. We can learn so much from each other.
One common similarity among us it seems is that pain seems to come up to heal after a success and achievement is reached, that when “wham” old beliefs and insecurities come up to the surface, sometimes the next morning, after you’ve broken through a personal glass ceiling in your life’s journey. Please don’t let your old inner critic/ego beliefs that can get loud after a success convince you that you are not cut out for this new level of success. Just try to observe it happening and write about it in a journal for your eyes only and see how unfair that voice is being to you. That is not the voice of your true self. Self-compassion is the voice of the true self and that is the voice that is best to listen to–your higher self. It’s like developing a muscle when you are learning to tap into this inner guidance–you will get stronger and stronger as you practice recognizing when your inner critic is beating you up. It’s often just a lower vibration energy that is on the way out as your soul is reaching for higher heights–back up where you belong. 😃 Because you were born with a higher vibration–highly sensitive for a good reason and that reason is to elevate the planet with your compassion and innate goodness and positivity.
With love and light, comfort, caring, and compassion,
P.S. Please leave a comment because your comment will help other highly sensitive souls who have not yet found their voice or inner strength to comment yet. Helping others by writing about your story can lift you up during hard times as well!
Here’s the video I mentioned above:
The Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and The Body–An Awakening To the Importance of Listening To It and Core Strength
Hi everyone. I am back and writing again. Yay! I hope you are enjoying the beauty of this spring season and all the brilliantly colorful flowers. Thank you to those who commented or emailed me such wonderful wishes. It was quite a traumatic ordeal for me but I believe there are lessons in all things that happen to us–especially the painful things.
As a highly sensitive child, I have always been sensitive to pain and felt my pain more acutely than others–both physically and emotionally. I have childhood wounds related to how I was cared for during illnesses and also a hospitalization as a toddler. Being “laid up” as I have been the last few weeks has broken open many of those wounds so that I could remember, reframe them with the truth of who I was, and finally grieve, release and heal the repressed emotions.
I had always had a hard time when I was sick–I would beat myself up, blaming myself for causing it–always finding it difficult to rest in order to heal–sometimes even prolonging my illnesses because of the stress I added to the illness. I discovered this 2 years ago when I had 2 bad viruses back to back. I had to face up to the fact that I had to change how I pushed my body too far and was terrible at resting and relaxing. Things like this always have their foundations formed in childhood. My husband could see the patterns I couldn’t see as clearly. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, relax and let your body heal “, he would always say. “Take it easy, don’t do anything today but rest.” It helped but as soon as I recovered I’d go back to my bad habits of not listening to my body.
If you’ve read my post from June 15, 2010 on HSPs and allergies and stress-related illness you know that I am recovering nicely from adrenal fatigue. Developing stronger boundaries has definitely helped reduce the negative energy in my life and the “fight-or-flight” responses to stress that I had a pattern of. When your body reacts to stress with a fight-or-flight reaction you have increased cortisol (the stress hormone) in your body in the form of adrenaline. This is an “extreme fear” reaction that I believe many HSPs with childhood wounds do not even realize they are experiencing because it is combined with the numbing or anesthetic effect that goes along with the adrenaline rush. What I now have learned is that even positive events in life can trigger this fight-or-flight response if you had the daily trauma in your childhood.
It’s like post traumatic stress in a way–any event, positive or negative, can open the wound and the internalized belief “I am not good enough as I am, I must work extra hard to be perfect to be loved”. These are the roots of the compulsions of perfectionism, workaholism, burnout, and exhaustion etc. It is automatic and unconscious until we become aware of it, give voice to it, and then can reassure ourselves and calm and slow ourselves down. Sometimes it takes an accident, illness, or an injury for us to awaken to the knowledge of: “this pattern has to change–I am hurting myself by doing this!”
For me it was the event of both my children coming home. My 24-year-old son who lives 3 hours away and I hadn’t seen since Christmas was coming home for 4 days at Easter. And my 20-year-old daughter was coming home from her semester studying abroad in Australia 2 days after Easter. I overdid it! I was drained and exhausted but still so excited by the end of Easter evening–my low back/hip was aching but I ignored it. My son left after a wonderful visit but my daughter would be home in 2 days. I ignored my hip pain and exhaustion and just had to go to the grocery to get her favorite foods, just had to go to the party store to buy welcome home decorations and balloons, just had to clean up her room and get it ready for her, just had to hang up the banners and reach and stretch to hang lots of streamers in the main area of the house. All that stretching and twisting was way too much for my already injured sacroiliac joint! (I had moved boxes out of my son’s room to prepare for his visit). I thought I just needed a chiropractic adjustment and I’d be good as new–but I was continually injuring the ligaments to my sacroiliac joint! I didn’t listen to my body–it was begging me to stop, begging me to rest, “all this isn’t necessary, don’t do it” my intuition whispered to me. But “I have to” was a louder voice. I now realize my childhood fear of “not being good enough as I am” was playing out my trauma from the past into the present.
I did cut back on some things I had planned to do and rested with heat and ice packs for 3 hours before we picked up my daughter at the airport–but it was too late! The damage was done! And as the adrenaline wore off and my daughter settled into our home with “Mom, you shouldn’t have!”, she ended up being so right! I shouldn’t have! And I will never forget this painful lesson of ignoring pain in my body again. (I ended up in the ER with excruciating pain 1 and 1/2 days later–see my last post for more info.)
Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. Besides adrenal fatigue, I have never had anything chronic and this was chronic excruciating pain. I thought I had discovered a healthy alternative to exercise with my specific carbohydrate diet that was and is the perfect solution for my highly sensitive digestive system. Avoiding complex carbohydrates and sugar gave me more energy and kept my weight down. So I fooled myself into believing I didn’t need to exercise. (I tried exercising occasionally with fits and starts but the pain always made me quit–I now see there was emotional pain from my childhood tied into “getting stronger”. I learned that often childhood wounds related to our bodies can have complex origins. Hsps can feel shamed with looks of disgust or disapproval when expressing themselves joyfully through their bodies–dancing, running, and playing can be seen as threats to a N parent who need their hsp children to stay dependent and near and “take care of them forever”. This may be an unconscious act on the part of the N parent–The mixed message of “grow up”/”don’t grow up and leave me” leaves many HSPs to feel guilt about growing strong and competent and enjoying having strong bodies. HSPs can sense this message even though the parent may be completely unaware that they are projecting this onto their child.
Now I am told that if I’d had more core strength and the overall strength and stamina that only exercise can provide I could have avoided this injury. With weak core muscles I put strain on the ligaments related to my sacroilliac (SI) joint and injured the ligaments severely. Sprained ligaments like I have takes 4-6 weeks to heal. And you must be very careful not to reinjure them by doing too much too soon–I read that if you reinjure certain SI areas 4 or more times, you could end up with chronic pain there for the rest of your life!
And this week I did have a setback. 3 weeks in I was doing well and was finally able to pick things up off of the floor and drive etc. but I must have done too much and remember one sudden jolt that retriggered my pain and set my progress back a whole week! Ugh!…back on the couch just when the pain was beginning to lessen. But I learned from it and am now even more careful and even more grateful for the activities I took for granted before.
As bad as it sounds, this traumatic experience has changed my life for the better. I learned:
1. I avoided exercise because of the pain it caused me but that is nothing compared to the pain of being immobile and unable to function normally and perform the simplest of tasks like putting on ones own socks!
2. I must commit to regular exercise as soon as possible after I heal. My plan is to start walking and doing core strengthening daily and then I am going to do Pilates or yoga and join jazzercise again. I loved Jazzercise classes in my 20’s and 30’s–I had stopped in 1999 when it became too fatiguing and painful for me (I didn’t know then that I already had symptoms of adrenal fatigue). The adrenal fatigue is now better so I should be able to get back into it if I am very gradual and process the emotions as they come up.
3. I must get in shape and get core strength for the first time in my life and stay that way! I hope to get up to doing Jazzercise 3 times a week. Also I plan to do lots of hiking and biking with my husband which he loves to do but has always done without me because….well… honestly… I couldn’t keep up. My body has now taken a front seat in my life–I am sorry I didn’t listen to it sooner! Fear of this pain returning is a great motivator–muscle soreness is nothing compared to the intense chronic pain and the pain of being immobile and dependent on others for everything.
4. I am too young for this kind of injury–I am only 49. Now my body has caught up to the “new beginning journey” that my heart and mind were already on! And so for this wake up call I say, Thank you, Universe, for all that it taught me!!!
Wishing all of you love and kindness to your spirit, mind, and BODY!!
Hi everyone. I hope you are enjoying the summer! I am. I am thoroughly enjoying the warmth that is finally here. I am not going to complain about the heat and humidity here in the midwestern United States. That’s right, I am located in the midwest and as I get older I had been longing to move south… but no longer! I realize that although it is colder than I like for 5 months out of the year (November through March) it is pretty wonderful the rest of the time. It isn’t until mid January that the weather gets kind of unbearable for me. Last year a trip for 1 week to the Florida Keys in mid February did the trick! One week out of the year made the entire rest of the year look so much better. Going somewhere warm in February every year is now officially a must!
Now that I am a happier person and able to be in the moment and appreciate being alive on the planet, I am able to see the beauty in my life as it is. Have you ever had a person visit you and point out all the negatives in your life? The way you decorate, the paint colors you chose, saying “why did I do it that way”? It can be eye opening if you were used to this point of view and then suddenly realize you had been seeing things through their eyes. It occurred to me and I suddenly realized that all of those things weren’t true. Another example is I have a beautiful backyard with a pond and trees and privacy. I used to have allergies so I couldn’t enjoy being outdoors so I didn’t appreciate it (remembering now it was the reason we bought this lot in the first place.) This person, when they visited, ignored my backyard so I didn’t feel like it was special. But it is actually very special and it recharges me on a daily basis! I am so happy that I am able to see things with a whole new perspective now and I can let go of the negative judgements of others.
How did I get rid of my allergies you might be wondering? I was treated by a holistic doctor who specializes in energy medicine and in a technique called Nambrudipad’s Allergy Elimination Treatment (NAET). It is very New Agey and it is hard to describe it to you, but it WORKS and my husband and daughter were also treated. (Google it for more info.–it works similarly to accupressure and has to do with energy blockages in the body). We all used to take claritin and sudafed year round and now we don’t take anything at all and can enjoy the outdoors. My husband used to be lactose intolerant and now can eat dairy with no problems. It is really amazing. I heard about this doctor from the wonderful folks at my local health food store. I highly recommend a trip to your local health food store for a wealth of valuable and helpful information if you are having health problems–my life is completely changed because of support from these people (I have found it is often fellow HSPs who work there). I didn’t even realize how much my health had improved until I was talking to my NEW chiropractor, who uses a gentler and massage-type method of alignment rather than “jerking” my spine back into shape. Anyway, when I was talking to her I realized that I “used” to have so many health problems and they have almost all gradually been or are being resolved.
Here is a list of the health problems: Spinal misalignment due to stress (my neck was locked up for 15 years which seriously affected my immune system and my ability to sing–all of which I was completely unaware of because there was no pain just poor posture), Chronic Fatigue, Ovarian Cysts, Chronic systemic Candidiasis, Symptoms of low thyroid (I felt cold all the time), Severe PMS with low back pain and severe fatigue for 2 days at every Ovulation, Fibrocystic Breast Disease, Multiple Food Allergies with intestinal symptoms, occasional Migraine headaches, and Seasonal Allergies to early tree pollen that left me so fatigued in early spring that I was taking 3 hour naps daily! All of these things were like a vicious cycle because you just can’t get done what you need to get done and so you are constantly beating yourself up mentally saying to yourself, “What’s WRONG with me?”
What was wrong with me? Nothing! I am a highly sensitive person and so I must treat myself more gently!…Not change myself to be more tough but to change my expectations of myself to meet the special circumstances of my being. I am sensitive for a reason! Don’t compare yourself to everyone around you!
A “specific carbohydrate” diet was the first step to wellness for me and this is how I found it: Back before I was the least bit spiritual, I can remember throwing a coin in a wishing well at the mall and asking sincerely for the answers to my health problems that had crept up on me slowly and were now dragging me down–I felt like I was constantly swimming upstream and getting nowhere. Within a week my wish (or prayer) was answered and I was drawn to buy a local magazine that I never ever read. Inside was an article on the exact symptoms I was having: fatigue, intestinal problems, and bloating. The diagnosis was Gluten Intolerance and the cure was to remove gluten from my diet–grain in the form of wheat, oats, barley, and rye! I was very excited to figure this out! Where most people would have been devastated to give up pizza, bread, and at that point what seemed like everything good, I was ecstatic to have found what I hoped was the answer to why I was sick all the time! I was so sick of being sick! I also felt my prayers had been answered and so was feeling very loved and blessed by…could this be that God really existed and cared about me after all? Yes, I believe it was so…because I’ll never forget that first day of removing gluten from my diet on September 25, 1995–I did not need to take a long nap as usual and felt like a new person with a new-found energy and a relief from the fatigue! Hallelujah!
I had known since 1992 that I had multiple food allergies (eggs, rice, milk and dairy, sugar, and yeast) but with guidance from my friendly folks at the health food store, I found out that the gluten causes the initial damage that causes all the other food sensitivities. The book Breaking The Vicious Cycle by Elaine Gottschall was a godsend as well because it provided a “specific carbohydrate” diet that heals and repairs your digestive tract so that after a period of time you heal your other food sensitivities so the only thing you need to eliminate from your diet is gluten. ( I can provide more information on how this diet works at your request. Please just ask.)
Gluten Intolerance is now much more widely diagnosed and talked about than it was in 1995 with many more prepared food choices available and whole Gluten Free sections available at grocery stores now. (Elisabeth Hasselbeck on The View has it, talks about it and even wrote a book about it). Gluten Intolerance has completely different effects on different people and has a range of severity. Most severe is the genetic Celiac Disease (or sometimes called Celiac Sprue ) where even a spec of gluten can cause an immune system reaction of extreme fatigue, diarrhea and blood in the stools, and a stomach ache until the digestive tract heals again. This happens because of genetic inability to digest the protein called gluten and the body reacts to the offending grain as if is a poison. Occasional cheating is forbidden because you may be producing scar tissue that will make the digestive tract unable to heal even the other food allergies and you may be left irreparably unable to digest many foods at all and with a condition called malabsorption which can lead to extreme weight loss and even death. So this condition should not be taken lightly.
But most people probably have a milder form of gluten intolerance that develops as we age and encounter stress in life like parenting small children and balancing work and home. Studies show that 40% of women over 40 may be sensitive to gluten and not know it. I believe that, if you are a highly sensitive person and over 40, you should definitely try avoiding gluten if you are having intestinal irregularities such as alternating constipation and diarrhea and/or unexplained fatigue and bloating. The improvement to the quality of your life could be phenomenal. And if you are like me, feeling good again is worth the sacrifice… after all it is just food! Food is supposed to be fuel for the body–why put something in your engine that makes it run so poorly! It takes 2 weeks on the Elaine Gotschall “specific carbohydrate” diet (meats, fruits, vegetables, nuts, and some cheeses–no limit on quantity) to get the carb cravings out of your system and then you are home free and no longer even want any carbs or sugar. You feel so healthy and fruits and vegetables taste so much better like your taste buds come alive. Finally you can concentrate and get things done! And I lost 25 pounds being on the diet for 4 months.
For 11 years my daughter and I ate completely gluten-free (but not carb-free) and I never knew if I was Celiac or not but had to avoid every spec of gluten because I would get symptoms if I accidentally ate some–I did think that both of us were Celiac. One and 1/2 years ago though when I was first treated by my new holistic doctor with the NAET Technique, he treated us both for gluten “allergy”. I was skeptical from what I had read online and my doctor admittedly said he knew very little about Celiac Disease. Online I had read that NAET cannot treat Celiac Disease and is for people who have a gluten allergy only. I was very nervous about my daughter eating gluten again since she had stopped eating all gluten in 1997 at age 7 with a complete recovery from ill-health and fatigue and intestinal symptoms (although different from my symptoms). I insisted on a blood test be done for her to rule out Celiac Disease, and sure enough she tested negative for it and since then has been eating gluten with no trouble ever since. I have heard that there can be a remission of sorts for Celiac in the teenage years and that she can temporarily be without symptoms only for them to return later in life when stress enters her life. She is 20 and is also a highly sensitive person and is on the lookout for symptoms recurring but so far she is fine. I on the other hand waited a year after NAET to even try gluten again and the few times I tried, each time, I felt a stress on my immune system and ended up getting an upper respiratory virus. However, I was in the throws of Adrenal Fatigue at the time so once I completely heal from my Adrenal Fatigue, which I am determined to do, after a blood test I am going to try eating gluten occasionally now and then. But for now I avoid it except in small hidden quantities and I feel great.
My Adrenal Fatigue condition has greatly improved by taking many vitamin and adrenal supplements and hormonal replacements that were depleted by stress over the years. This holistic doctor who did the NAET treatments also ordered saliva testing for my hormones and the results showed that I was low in DHEA, Testosterone, and Progesterone for which I administer cream supplements daily from a pharmacy that specializes in bio-identical hormones (all arranged through my holistic doctor). I also take a special iodine supplement for low thyroid symptoms (feeling cold all the time and especially hands and feet and fibrocystic breast soreness and swelling monthly–all so much improved I actually forgot I used to have these symptoms!). I also take an adrenal rebuilder, and something called Cortico-B5 and B6 because the saliva testing showed I had high levels of cortisol (stress hormone) in the evenings.
I have been on this Adrenal Fatigue Treatment plan since January 2009 and all along I did not feel much different because the healing is so gradual. But compared to January 2009 when I had so much exhaustion I could not exercise at all without extreme fatigue the following few days, I now realize I am 10 times better health-wise! I still do struggle with some things like: my sugar and yeast allergies keep coming back when I am under stress and I go back for more NAET treatments on these 2 allergies only. I still pick up viruses easily because my immune system still is not as strong as it should be yet, and I still have some mild PMS symptoms. I still cannot exercise to the extent that I would like to and must continue to take it easy. To keep my weight under control I eat only specific carbs Monday through Friday but then I can eat whatever I want except gluten on the weekends which is awesome and gives me a fun weekend to look forward to. (At 5’10” I stay around 140 lbs.) With these adjustments, I am feeling great and on the road to complete recovery!
I feel better now at 48 than I did in my 20’s! Part of it of course is also the following: believing in and learning to love my self, avoiding stress and negative or toxic people, ignoring the “should” requirements of others and listening to my own heart and desires instead, expressing my truth in journaling and then discovering my gifts of writing, songwriting, and empathic coaching skills for helping others, being able to be in the moment and learning to relax, unblocking my creativity, believing in and being grateful for God and the magic of the Universe and the Law of Attraction, believing that being highly sensitive is an asset and a gift and that it is only a liability in the eyes of others who are judgmental, and narcissistic (and although they are entitled to their opinion and way of life, are people I choose not to be around for the sake of my health).
Who knows? When I get even stronger and even healthier, I may be strong enough to be around even the most negative people because I know how to release the negativity and recharge by getting time alone and through the elements of nature, and to ask for guidance from above. I feel I am living proof that God really does answer prayers.
For more information on the health issues mentioned above, please see Christiane Northrup’s book entitled Women’s Bodies Women’s Wisdom. It was this book that I first heard about the NAET Technique and Adrenal Fatigue and actually many of my health problems. In a future post I will write about how I made my Ovarian Cysts disappear to the amazement of my Ob.Gyn. (and myself!) with the knowledge I gained from this book and Louise Hay’s book You Can Heal Your Life.
Writing all this has made me realize how amazing it is that I have recovered so much in so many ways. I also have overcome many compulsions (shopping and overspending, hoarding certain items, organizing and cleaning,) perfectionism, procrastination, and basically the inability to enjoy my life. I no longer feel “compelled” to do any of these things. Yay! Until I wrote these things down to share with you, I really did not realize how my life has unfolded for the better in so many ways. Thanks for reading. I will be writing more about how I overcame these issues mentioned above if there is interest so please let me know. I hope I have inspired you that there is always hope and you can heal your life too–one step at a time. Just keep believing and knowing that as a highly sensitive person you are sensitive for a reason and that even the most difficult obstacles can be overcome! You can do it!