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Tag Archives: childhood wounds

Sensitive Soul With a Narcissistic Parent? Here’s Hope To Cheer Up That Dread In the Morning Feeling!

Hello Everyone. If you feel like me this morning, you need some cheering up.  So I’m here to tell you that you are so much more than you feel.  Underneath the unworthy feeling and dread of being here on the planet is a soul with an inner child who is actually so full of life and joy.

Maybe you‚Äôve gotten glimpses of your true amazing self recently and started actualizing some of your dreams but now the unworthiness is back and you feel lost.¬† Know that you are healing. “Big Time Inner Healing” is going on on the planet right now.¬† No you have not stepped backwards.¬† If you had a narcissistic parent or a mother who was too steeped in her own pain to give you what you needed, how is that pain ever going to heal if it is always pushed down and ignored?

So it is bubbling up to the surface to say hello and for you to love yourself through it.¬† You might be saying, I can‚Äôt get anything done this week‚ÄĒI am feeling like such a failure.¬† Look at it from a different perspective. Maybe reality is like this:¬† You had a great productive run there for a while and now is the perfect time for you to take some self-care time for yourself and look at some old wounds that keep popping up and holding you back. Whatever you are feeling you have good reasons for feeling it!

As a child you may have been neglected, shamed, humiliated, abandoned, betrayed, ganged up on by siblings, or ________ fill in the blank. You did a good job surviving the best that you could. You developed a deep unworthiness and a feeling that you‚Äôre not good enough as a tiny child when in fact you were great at most things.¬† You were deeply disappointed that you were not ‚Äúseen‚ÄĚ and it made no sense.¬† But now you know.¬†

You know how gifted you are and were‚ÄĒthis is old stuff we are rehashing here‚ÄĒbut here is the BIG THING that is happening right now.¬† You are having trouble actualizing your true self and stepping up into your true voice because the old wounds haven‚Äôt completely healed and they are coming up now so you can heal it. Yes, you can heal it!¬†

I am experiencing this too so let’s do this together.  There are inner child healing visualization exercises that are so powerful that they will shift us into our true selves and at the same time comfort and release a deep wound from childhood that has been frozen and stuck because we have had no patience with it. 

How often have you beaten yourself up for feeling a certain way and numbed yourself out with tasks or work to avoid allowing yourself to feel that way‚ÄĒthis is the way that most Americans cope‚ÄĒthey grit it out and go to their 9 to 5 jobs and are too busy to feel but they feel good that they got paid and worked and that is their reinforcement to continue to numb out their feelings.¬†

Then there are those of us creative intuitive feeling types that so struggle with fitting into this expectation‚ÄĒwe try and try but the darn feelings keep coming up and getting in the way of us making a good living like other people do. But in actuality, we are the more skilled at attracting abundance then those who are nose to the grindstone‚ÄĒwe just fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to others who seem to be successful with a steady paycheck.

I am reading the book Creating Money by Sanaya Roman and Duane Packer and it is so good for Empaths, Sensitives, and Creative Artists who are struggling to step into their purpose and fly with their whole heart.  It says to get used to an ebb and flow when you are in a creative business that relies on your trusting your innate gifts of intuition and creativity to make a living. 

There will be times when you are humming along (flow) and then things will slow down and you have some time to look inward and grow some more (ebb).  This is not the way most of society thinks of as the way to success! You may be shamed by people who are making a living without access to their feelings and purpose.  Don’t listen to them.  You are the wiser soul with all the answers inside.  You’ve got this. We can do it together. 

I feel very excited about being a cheerleader for sensitive souls who are overcoming the deepest scars from a childhood lacking any sort of strong foundation to launch from. I can help put the pieces together so you can see that your sensitive soul already had a strong foundation of love and experience to launch from and you chose a really difficult childhood because you are strong enough to break through to be YOU. 

I’m confident that underneath the layers and messages of unworthiness that you absorbed as a tiny child is a gifted creative soul who is a shining light of goodness and compassion here to help the planet with that very compassion that has been used against you. 

It’s so hard to be excited about the day ahead when you wake up with dread and bad feelings about yourself. I have found if this happens to me I can stay stuck in that place if I don’t MAKE myself take some kind of action to access my truth.  For me it is writing in a journal.  I just start writing about how bad I am feeling and I immediately have compassion for myself and realize I am being too hard on myself. 

This is part of my gift and purpose, writing hopeful things (blog posts, songs, poems) to help uplift others similar to myself in a similar plight. I feel so much better writing all this then I did when I woke up this morning.  It has taken me 3 days of feeling down and being guided to rest and take a break (ebb) to finally feel rested enough to just start writing about my frustration in the hopes that it will help others. 

This is the voice of my true self and it feels so good to have broken through (flow) that stuck feeling of unworthiness that my inner child was stuck in.  When you have a narcissistic mother, you must learn self-compassion for the feelings that arise to be healed and take time out to write or do visualization exercises:

Okay here is a powerful exercise for healing the inner child that I mentioned earlier:

Picture yourself as a small child of any age you choose with the feelings that have you feeling down on yourself.

Picture yourself as your now adult self walking along and coming upon your tiny child self who has been abandoned and yelled at and shamed and abused. You are shocked at the beauty of this child, how could anyone ever not see the giftedness of this child that you see? You come to the rescue! 

You see the compassion, sensitivity,¬† creativity, curiosity, hopefulness, sense of humor, artistic ability, introspective genius, complex thinking, deep feeling capacity, ability to find joy and fun in the smallest of nature‚Äôs splendor, and on and on.¬† You are perplexed at how a child so magnificent could be cast aside and blamed for crying too much or any other small attempt to be loved.¬† Oh the injustice of it all‚ÄĒit makes no sense because yeah it is pretty crazy.¬† It‚Äôs not right.¬† And the adult you can do something about it immediately.¬† You go over to the child and you rescue them into your arms of the truth and the unconditional love that you know they deserve.¬† You pick them up with a knowing of who they are and all that they came here to be. You hold them tightly in your arms with their head on your shoulder and you tell them, ‚ÄúEverything is going to be alright now. I am here and I see what happened to you and it was wrong.¬† You deserved so much more and I‚Äôm going to hold you and comfort you and take care of you until you feel better.¬† I‚Äôll be gentle with you and let you cry when you need to so you can learn to trust your feelings again. I‚Äôll be here for you for as long as it takes. I promise because I see the gifts inside of you that are going to blossom with tender loving care.¬† And I‚Äôm going to teach you to be kind to yourself and that it‚Äôs okay to make mistakes and that is how we learn. I‚Äôm going to teach you to be whole and strong and stand on your own 2 feet because you know how to forgive yourself and be kind and caring to yourself and that you are good enough every minute that you are alive. When you are ill, you need rest and when you are sad you need freedom to grieve. I will take care of you forever.”

So you hold the inner child you and you feel them feeling better and healing those deep layers of unworthiness and not being held and comforted and their needs for autonomy not being met. 

You do this every time you are feeling bad about yourself‚ÄĒ-do it every morning if you wake up feeling bad about yourself. Write about this process every time in a journal if it helps solidify the healing you experience.¬† You may want to write it from the child‚Äôs perspective. You may need to write out the grief of the loss of a childhood of not being able to have fun and relax due to these deeply engrained fears of not getting your basic needs met.

I’m reminded of many books that helped support me when I started doing my deepest inner grief work back in 2003 and then I started writing my songs of hope and healing in 2004. (See my recommended books page) And here I am here in 2019 clearing out the last remnants of these deep feelings of unworthiness to speak my voice that came up this morning and prompted me to write this to help others feeling these feelings. 

It just shows to depth of the damage that having a narcissistic parent can do to your sensitive soul. Oh it is so hard to break out of the vicious cycle of self-contempt!  But you can do this!  You are so special and gifted and full of light.  Keep coming back here to my blog if you need more encouragement because I plan to keep it up.

I see you and I am so proud of how you are healing.  I understand the depth of pain that that blanket of unworthiness can cause each morning. I wish you the strength to break through to the truth of the glory of who you really are. I’ll be back again soon to cheer you up again.  (See my channeled angel messages page too for more encouraging and comforting words from the angelic realms)

You’ve got this!  Sending infinite Hugs and Love and Light to your wounded inner child and to YOU,

Roxanne ūüėáūüíĖ‚ú®

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New Weekly Channeled Angel Messages: Comfort For Empaths and Lightworkers During Ascension

Channeled Angel Messages¬†‚ú®ūüėáūüíĖ‚ú®Weekly!

Hello Everyone!  These messages are to be shared for all who resonate and are open to receiving spiritual guidance.  This includes Empaths, Highly Sensitive People (HSPs), Lightworkers, Spiritually Awakening Souls, Earth Angels, and to all Seekers and Open-hearted souls.

This blog post is taken from my Channeled Angel Messages Page on my blog that has 13 posts of angel messages that I am now posting there weekly.¬† There you will find all the other messages from my 6 archangel guides (most of the time it is 6 but it changes) that I have posted since November, 2018. Please comment if you like receiving the angel messages in my blog posts. I’d love to hear from you.

Peace and Love to you,

Roxanne Elaine Smith ūüíó

July 15, 2019

Dear Gorgeous Sensitive Souls, we are greeting you this way because some of you are not feeling so beautiful right now and we want to reassure you that you are and so much more than you can imagine.  Your brilliant light and healing abilities are vast and strong and your ability to tap into the beauty and bliss of existence is very real. Often you get bogged down from being around others and don’t even realize the negativity is not yours.  Other times you are triggered by the insensitivity of loved ones and your own unhealed wounds come up to the surface.  Often this makes you feel shocked at the depth of your wounds about feeling safe.  You know that you need to feel safe at a basic level. 

The good news is that this is happening so that you can now begin to create this safety for yourself from the inside out.  Until you know about these unsafety feelings that have been long hidden inside, you can’t heal them.  So your higher self is guiding you to these situations where you have to face these needs for safety that were never properly formed in your childhood or you may have root chakra damage from past lives that has not been resolved that is playing out in this lifetime. 

This happens if you died tragically in a past life for being persecuted for many reasons and one example is for being accused of being a witch. Or you may have been an outspoken or rebellious woman or man who did not follow the rules of your time and were trying to help others in some way. The list of possibilities is long.  Deep feelings of untrust and injustice and not being able to speak your truth may all be coming up to be healed and resolved in this life. You may be clearing throat chakras issues in this case.  If it all feels like too much to decipher and bear please take a break from figuring it all out and be really kind to yourself right now. Often the weekends are when conflicts arise because we have the time and our higher self knows it.  Try to trust that your higher self will not give you more than you can handle. 

If you can write in the mornings to get back in touch with your true loving nature and clear out your disappointment, then the rest of your day will go so much better.¬†¬†We see how strong you are, how amazing you are when you speak out about things‚ÄĒwhen your words are twisted or not received well, you are hard on yourself and forget that what you were saying is/was very accurate. Your are right and you are right most of the time‚ÄĒpeople who manipulate and downplay your words are just showing their insecurities and fear.¬†¬†It is disguised as power but it is born out of fear of not being good enough.¬†¬†You also have roots of not being good enough that you are clearing out.

You are now knowing you are good enough so you expect loved ones to be a cheerleader for you and you may be shocked and disappointed when they are not.¬†¬†You would never not be a cheerleader so then you blame yourself for not choosing people in your life who are not cheerleaders. Please know that what gifts you bring to the planet, of creativity and high vibration, cause a healing crisis in other people sometimes and it is all unconscious to them‚ÄĒthey don‚Äôt know why they react the way they do. Think of yourselves as magic healers walking around bringing up others unhealed wounds sometimes.¬†¬†Think of yourselves like Glenda the Good Witch floating around with a smile and beauty and a powerful wand‚ÄĒwe hope this brings a smile to your face.¬†¬†It may seem silly but if you are feeling victimized instead of seeing that you are healing, this image can really help you to heal.¬†

Of course Glenda has a magic bubble to get away and you can‚Äôt float away in your human world but you absolutely have the power to put a protective bubble around yourself at any time with just your imagination and intention.¬†¬†It‚Äôs best to imagine this amazing bubble of yours to allow love and light and bliss to flow out to others but no negativity may enter. There are many ways you may imagine your bubble‚ÄĒyou may like to create it to have a mirrored exterior shining outward so that when negativity approaches, it sees itself and runs away. We want this to be fun for you to experiment with.¬†

We are also wanting to lighten your heavy mood that stems from having absorbed negativity from elsewhere. Innately your energy is all love and light and so you can ask your guides and angels to lift off any energy that is not yours at any time. We want to help and we remind you that you must ask for our help in order for us to do things like this. We love you so much, dear ones, and we want you to be excited about who you are and your abilities to manifest your desires that are in the highest good for your soul. In order for your dreams to come true the lower vibrational repressed emotions from childhood must be cleared out.

Right now you may have anger to be cleared out‚ÄĒit might be causing a blockage in the heart and solar plexus chakras‚ÄĒimagine the frustration of not having a voice to say no to abuse and injustice and since you are healing and getting stronger and some good things are happening in your life, it makes sense that repressed anger from the past would come up to the surface to be healed.¬†¬†You may find you have exploded at someone recently or wanted to and perhaps you are shocked at the rage that you feel. We want you to know you can release this anger in harmless ways by several techniques. One is by writing all the rage out at someone in a letter and do not hold back and tell the truth of the depth of your rage‚ÄĒand then burn it of course (in a private releasing ceremony if you‚Äôd like) or shred it because this would be damaging for anyone else to actually read.

Also hitting a mattress as hard as you can as often as you need to to release this anger out of your body.¬†¬†Thirdly, saying or yelling what you wish you could say to an abuser or unfair situation into a pillow to muffle the sound. We do not want you to hurt your vocal chords of course so alternate these different techniques as you feel guided.¬†¬†We want you to look at this as a healing exercise and notice the relief that you feel.¬†¬†We do not need to tell you that unleashing anger onto a person would be harmful as well as lower your vibration and only cause you to feel remorse‚ÄĒbut humans do have this big reaction at times so if by chance you do have an angry outburst on another it will do wonders to genuinely apologize for any words that diminished the other person in any way. If you were just loud out of frustration that is okay occasionally although you may find that yelling just triggers others and they may not be as mindful as you in their choice of words back to you which may trigger you in return.¬†

So you can see that staying calm‚ÄĒspeaking your truth in a calm tone such as saying: ‚ÄúI know who I am, and what is being said about me here is incorrect‚ÄĚ or ‚ÄúI do not want to be treated this way‚ÄĚ and walk away is the beginning of finding your voice and strength to standing in your power and ending co-dependence on others approval.¬†¬†We see that many of you are getting your independent legs and we are so proud of you.¬†¬†Do not be discouraged if it has taken you a long time to get to where you can see with clarity that you are treated less than fairly in your love relationships too. Do not be too quick to throw this relationship away because all that may need to happen is for you to calmly say ‚ÄúNo I‚Äô‚Äôm not going to allow you to talk to me like that‚ÄĒMaybe you should go take a walk and calm down‚ÄĚ or something to that effect. We know this is easier said than done but we want you to see the progress you are making that we see‚ÄĒand be cheerleaders for yourselves to continue to grow in your strength as sensitive caring souls who only want to help.¬†

You will get more respect from the divine masculine partner when you stay calm and speak strongly and forcefully rather than cry and yell from a feeling of victimization. Forgive yourselves for occasional outbursts, you are human and it‚Äôs okay and may even be eye opening for you to see the hidden inner wound in you that needs to be healed. To be blamed or criticized or mocked or betrayed are all things you mustn‚Äôt stand for and you must speak up about‚ÄĒyou will find your words in time.¬†¬†Marriage counseling called Imago Relationship Therapy can be very helpful if you are having marital struggles with someone who is very much still in 3D and acting from their ego‚ÄĒbecause the principle is that you each are attracted to the very person who will bring up your childhood wounds so that you can heal them.¬†

We have talked about marital struggles here because we want you to see that it is often through relationships that we grow the most because your partners show you where the pain lies.¬†¬†Optimally you can come to an agreement with your partner that you both need to provide a safe space for you each to heal your own wounds and honor and respect each others needs for time alone to process after an argument. This is difficult if you have abandonment wounds and a deep need to feel connected to another person in order to feel loved.¬†¬†This is very hard and you may have PTSD with these wounds as the basis.¬†¬†Asking your partner to just hold you at times can help tremendously in healing the early childhood wounds of not being held enough. Know that you are a gift to any partner you choose because you are pure love‚ÄĒknowing this deep in your soul will help you heal your own abandonment wounds.

If you are single with abandonment wounds you are healing it every day that you take care of yourself and are not looking for someone else to complete you.¬†¬†You are complete and whole and we are especially proud of you learning to love yourself and look deeply inward to see that the wounds can be healed with your own self-compassion and finding your voice by journaling or reaching out to a trusted sensitive, and experienced counselor. Trust your heart to know you‚Äôve found the right person to help.¬†¬†Always remember you can talk to us anytime and ask for guidance and be open to the answers coming to you in your mind as new insights and ideas‚ÄĒof course writing to us in a journal is another way of receiving insights that very may well seem like your own ideas but we are helping in a way that may not be obvious.¬†

This is the beginning of trusting your intuition and this muscle will grow stronger with use.¬†¬†So we leave you today with much advice about healing your inner wounds and your relationship conflicts‚ÄĒthis is because we want you to know you are not being punished by these difficulties happening in your lives right now‚ÄĒmuch to the contrary, these conflicts are providing you with opportunities to see clearly where your wounds are and how you can heal them to feel strong no matter what happens in your life.¬†¬†This inner strength is what is already inside you, we can see it, but you are just beginning to see it.¬†

Having inner strength is all you need to manifest your dreams and even future treasures that your higher self has planned for you that you can not even imagine. Trust that the universe is in your favor always at all times. Easier times are ahead as you clear out and acknowledge and release the hardest wounds from your past.  We send you comfort and hugs and butterfly kisses for your wounded inner child. Until next time, be gentle on yourselves, AA Muriel (Empaths), AA Chamuel (Comfort), AA Jophiel (Creativity and Beauty), AA Sandalphon (Grounding and Music), AA Uriel (Wisdom), and AA Azriel (Grief, Loss, and Transitions)

Good News For Highly Sensitive People Who Are Awakening–You Can Do It!

Hello Highly Sensitive Souls! How is it possible that it is the end of May!¬† It’s gone so fast but now the warm weather is finally here in my part of the midwest, so I’m not complaining–I’m just in awe of the speed of time that seems to be passing!¬† Wow!¬† At the same time though I feel like a different person since January of 2019–I’ve done so much more unexpected inner work and self growth and now I’m excited to be where I’m at!¬† I am experiencing so much clarity and positive energy from my inner guidance to help others at a new higher level!

There is so much to feel hopeful about my dear sensitive friends.¬† You are exactly the way you are for a reason and you have a spirit guide and angels cheering you forward 24/7.¬† There may be times that you feel that they are not there and your wounds from childhood seem to be driving the bus so to speak. Please know that these wounds must come up to the surface to be cleared out and that you are healing.¬† Every single day you are healing!¬† Know that your higher self is taking you by the shoulders and helping you through each obstacle in life with the intent to make you stronger!¬† You got this!¬† You can do it!¬† You are loved from above.¬† And I’m here to help you know it and believe it and believe in yourself and your creative gifts.

I love being a cheerleader for highly sensitive souls because I understand so much now from my own journey.¬† I am so grateful for my intuitive gifts that have lead me to be able to have conversations now with my guides and angels and higher self.¬† I have honed the skill of automatic writing to where I can connect easily now and get answers.¬† My journey started out with so much pain and heartache as a child–being highly sensitive with abandonment wounds left me feeling so codependent on others–I didn’t even realize it–I thought I had worked through everything but no there was still more underneath some illusions that were protecting me.¬† But now all that is behind me and I am feeling so independent and whole.¬† Whatever healing seems unsurmountable to you at the moment please know that it can be done.¬† Whatever doubts you have about your ability to attract the life of your dreams are just words you heard from elsewhere ingrained in you from someone who may have just been jealous of your bright light,¬† You can learn to over-ride all self doubts with positive affirmations and self-belief and self love.

I have just channeled a new angel message, wrote a new song, and wrote a new poem all in the last 2 weeks.¬† I’m on a roll and I know how to unblock myself for good now. For those of you who are awakening to spirituality and are craving some good news, please check out my YouTube channel to see my angel message videos.¬† Go to this link=>https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXg27-Lzvcffrr7lf6DRIfg.

Slowly I’ll be putting myself on the videos as I feel ready–right now it is just my voice reading the messages I have channeled.¬† I am following my guidance to share these messages hopefully weekly now to give comfort to empaths, highly sensitive people, lightworkers, and earth angels and awakening souls. Have a wonderful week! I care and I am here to cheer you on to love yourself and take good care of yourself.¬† You are on your way!

With love and light,

Roxanne ūüėáūüíĖ‚ú®

12 Tips For Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) in Recovery From Narcissistic Abuse in Childhood

Hello Dear Highly Sensitive Souls. I am a life coach for highly sensitive people (HSPs) with childhood wounds and I specialize in inner child healing for adults in recovery from narcissistic abuse.  I am sharing a new post created by combining and updating 2 posts that I wrote awhile back on this blog to reveal all 12 tips for HSPs on one page.

This information on these 2 posts has continued to attract more and more followers to my blog, for all these years since 2010, even when I stopped blogging for a few years, more than any other posts on this blog. And so I am sharing it now to highlight the important content that resonates with many HSPs who are now awakening to their intuition and/or spirituality and embracing their emotional healing journey in order to step into their true purpose as their Higher Selves to assist the planet with their many creative gifts.:

As highly sensitive people, many of you are struggling with how to cope with your relationship with your narcissistic parent and your unsupportive siblings and extended family.¬† First of all I want to tell you that as an empathic, intuitive life coach for many people with childhood wounds, I understand your pain and how hard it is. There is very little support in our society for not having a relationship with ones’ parents no matter how negative and destructive they are to you or were to you in your childhood.¬† Many people have difficult parents but they tolerate them and seem to get by okay so why can’t you, right?¬† The pressure is very real.¬† But let me help you understand the difference between you (an HSP)¬†and everyone else with some more helpful tips that are very important for you to¬†know.

1. Know that your greatest gift is your intuition.

As a highly sensitive person (HSP), you were naturally giving and loving and trusting as children. ¬†You had high hopes for yourselves and others including your parents. ¬†People with loving and supportive¬†parents are more likely living lives full of vitality and creative fulfillment and healthy boundaries to keep negative, manipulative, harmful¬†people at a distance naturally and sharing their unique gifts with others. ¬†These people don’t feel guilty about not getting along with everyone–they just “know” there are some people who are unhealthy and dangerous–they pay attention to their natural instincts.¬† But people with a narcissistic parent were taught at a very young age, even from birth not to trust their own instincts, their own intuition.¬† The horrible thing about that is, that was their greatest gift, “their sensitive intuition”, and it was often used against them.

2. Know that you may have repressed a terrible trauma from your childhood–the loss of the knowledge of your gifts.

Possibly, if you had an N parent, then part of your sensitivities were seen as a gift for “them”.¬† They could control you easily because of your trusting nature–so often they used fear to get you to be quiet, anger to get¬†you to obey, and shame to keep you from feeling independent and strong.¬† And it worked. ¬†You trusted them and needed them to take care of you and protect you from a world that overwhelmed your sensitive souls so you…experienced a trauma that caused you to shut down your true selves and become what they wanted you to become. ¬† Something happened that was “the last straw” for your fragile but wise self that was developing. You stopped trusting the Universe to be a safe place to be YOU.¬† Typically it happens around age 5 or 6, according to Alice Miller (Author of The Drama of the Gifted¬†Child).¬† After an incident that you can’t remember because you have repressed it, suddenly, you are obedient and¬†sweet wanting only to please.¬† And please them you did.¬† And that is why it is so hard for them to let go of you now. ¬†You took care of them.¬† Completely and amazingly.¬† They felt loved by you and validated by you filling a void inside of them that was caused in their childhood.¬† It is as if you were the loving parent that¬†they never had.¬† That is how gifted you were.¬† Those¬†gifts of intuiting the needs of others are still there–they were just misused and abused by your needy and narcissistic parent.¬† Those gifts of being a loving and giving and caretaking soul were mis-directed.

3. Know that your childhood holds the roots of your anxiety, self-doubt, post traumatic stress, and co-dependence issues.

As you grew up and tried to do some of the¬†creative endeavors that were driven by your soul, your parent probably did not support you because they did not want you to leave them or stop taking care of their emotional needs or they just saw no harm in controlling you.¬† As narcissistic parents with no conscience or guilt, it was easy for them to manipulate you, so they did.¬† The pain of your original trauma at the age of 5 or 6 would come up for you each time you tried to express your true self and these outbursts of emotion may have been shamed and punished by your parent and made you give up each time.¬† This is the beginning of the post traumatic stress that still plagues you today.¬†” Why do I over-react in these explosive ways”, you may have asked yourself.¬† This is why.¬† Your true self and all your repressed feelings and desires from childhood still want badly to be heard and understood and validated and “loved”.¬† Your narcissistic parent was not capable of giving you this love and still is not and never will be.¬† Your love needs are still unmet.¬† You searched for love from others but sometimes,¬†because parts of you are still undeveloped and childlike, you end up being attracted to people who seem wonderful and charming at first but then turn out to be needy and manipulative and unable to comfort you when you need it most–just like your N parent.

4. Know that there is hope and you can heal.

So what is a highly sensitive person with an N parent to do?¬† You can heal and learn to love yourself and slowly unblock all those creative parts of yourself that never got a chance to be expressed.¬† You can learn to trust your self and your gifts of emotional intelligence and intuition that were seemingly robbed from you and misused and abused.¬† You can gain clarity amidst all the confusion, and hope amidst all the despair.¬† You can learn that it is okay for you to say no to other people’s demands and put yourself first.¬† You need to learn about extreme “self- care” (Cheryl Richardson–author of the book Life Makeovers) and you need a journal to pour into all the feelings from your deepest heart.¬† You need support from like-minded, highly sensitive, safe people to share the pain and grief¬†from the loss of a childhood that feels as if it was taken away from you.¬† All your desires and free impulses were repressed so that you¬†could survive with an illusion that your parent’s needs were¬†more important than your own.¬† But surviving was not really living your life.¬† Surviving is not good enough.¬† Your survival skills just cause you trouble because they are not driven by your heart, they are driven by a needy inner child trying to please a parent that felt unpleasable and without remorse about what they did to you.

5. Know that the answers are inside of you and support is available.

You need to take a new direction.¬† A direction into your own soul.¬† You need to excavate the desires of a child who never had a say in the development of his/her own life!¬† Write it out!¬† Talk it out! Cry it out!¬† Shout it out!¬† You can do this in a journal that is meant for your eyes only.¬† Or you can find a counselor or¬†coach who does inner child healing therapy.¬†¬†It’s important to find support somewhere so you can find your true voice and express it.¬† There are HSP meet-up groups in larger cities.¬† You might also look into Unitarian churches or Unity churches to meet people of a spiritual nature who are not necessarily “religious”.

6. Know that no contact with a malignant narcissistic parent is not just recommended so that you can get the time you need to heal, it is vital.

One of the first steps into this new direction of healing for yourself is ending the old song and dance and unhealthy relationship that you have with your narcissistic parent. ¬†If you’ve tried everything else and you are still miserable, that means setting boundaries on contact is an important step so that you can heal and move on with the life that you always deserved.¬† The fact that you understand the words Malignant Narcissistic is crucial here.¬† We are not talking about a parent that is capable of being remorseful about your childhood and trying to change, we are talking about a parent who blames you every time the relationship isn’t going their way–they resent the loss of control over your life that they always had.¬†Control is not love.¬†It may be time to cut off contact so you can finally heal. ¬†You do not owe them another¬†ounce of your precious energy.¬† You owe it to yourself to stay away from them as you heal, because being around them at all always takes a toll on you,¬† a toll that is much heavier and destructive and stressful and toxic to you than you may realize.

7.  Know that the GUILT is relieved by acknowledging the anger and hatred you felt as a child that you were forced to repress.

The guilt of setting boundaries in your relationship with your Narcissistic (N)¬†parent will be strong.¬† Ignore it because it is not your guilt. It is guilt induced from elsewhere that you internalized since you were a tiny child.¬† That has affected your freedom as a gifted child to become your own wonderful self! ¬†It may feel as if they took that from you and gave you guilt, shame, and fear in its place.¬† So what do you do with the guilt you feel when stepping out on your own to become the person with freedom to do whatever you want with your life? ¬†HSPs tend to feel guilt for feeling anger–allow yourself to feel angry about it!¬† Righteous anger is a healthy emotion that you were not “allowed” to express to them–but it is important that you release this anger in harmless ways (not to the parent who abused you)¬†.¬† Acknowledge it, tell a safe person, or write it out in a journal (for your eyes only) in¬†detail the anger you feel for all that you lost.¬†¬†Because this rage inside that comes out sometimes in your life at the wrong people has an origin that needs to be acknowledged and let go of.¬† You have a right to acknowledge this repressed anger for the traumas that happened to you as a child–it was too painful for a child to survive this kind of excruciating, unbearable emotional¬†pain of hating your parents when you needed them so desperately.¬† So the trauma is repressed and the truth of what happened to you needs to be released so that you can finally be free.¬†Punching a mattress with your fist and/or screaming into several pillows for as long as you need to is helpful to release the rage you have kept inside all these years.¬† It helps to have a supportive and safe person present to validate your feelings as you release them. Do not hold onto this intense anger–release it and imagine this energy going away from you forever. ¬†(Forgiveness is important but not until all the layers of repressed anger are worked through and this takes time and patience with yourself–do not attempt to forgive too soon or you may get stuck in a guilt about not being able to forgive cycle.)

8. Know that grieving the loss of your childhood is part of the healing process.

Often after the release of anger¬†you will begin to feel all the hurt and pain of not being truly loved as you deserved.¬†Letting this grief out and releasing this is so important as well in the healing process of your wounded soul. (Allow yourself to cry as needed–let your inner child’s repressed pain finally be acknowledged and allowed to cry). It helps so much to talk to another empathic human to feel fully validated, comforted, or hold your hand through this grieving process–but if there is no one possible then you can write this pain out and you may even surprise yourself by the poetry that pours out of you.¬† (No rules when you write–just let it pour out).¬† These words of your soul will always surprise you– you may discover a richness and deep inner life inside of you that you never knew existed.¬† Because it was hiding in fear all this time–a very real fear–fear of your parent’s judgemental rejection and abandonment of your budding wise self that needed love.

9.  Know that it is okay for you to be FREE of them and put yourself first so you can heal.

It is a free country (I am writing this in the USA).¬† You are a free person¬†to do as you wish. Freedom is your birthright. And no one knows the pain that a narcissistic parent can do to the soul of a highly sensitive child except those who have experienced it.¬† So stop waiting for approval from the rest of society. ¬†You may need to stop all contact with the harmful, negative, malignant narcissistic¬†parent in your life forever and always if that is how long it takes for you to feel safe and have inner peace. You do not even need to attend their funeral if that is something that worries you. (You can send them peace and love from afar later when you are ready if this worries you–even if they pass on you can send love to them in heaven …if you are open to spirituality and this belief.)¬† It is okay to protect yourself from all the negative energy and judgements of others at family gatherings if you¬†are feeling this will happen.¬†(This all depends upon your own personal spiritual beliefs–I personally now believe our souls live for eternity and those who truly love and support you will be there in heaven and¬†watch over you in spirit–they will understand your reasons for staying away. ¬†I believe you don’t need to go to a funeral to say goodbye or to appease family members who don’t support you either. This is something that must feel right to you and your own personal spiritual beliefs)¬† And to support you further, I just happened to hear on the radio today, a Christian counselor gently reminding someone that¬† “Honor thy father and mother” DOES NOT APPLY when they are emotionally abusive (diminishing in any way) and use fear to control you. Fear is the opposite of love.¬† It is a deal breaker and they are no longer honorable parents as long as they do not honor your feelings and use fear to intimidate or diminish you. ¬†God wants for you to protect yourself and go towards love in your life¬†and away from those who induce fear until you feel strong and safe to stand up for yourself and your feelings.¬† I agree with this.¬† Loving parents want you to feel safe and loved–N parents do not care if you feel safe and loved, they want you to obey or else.¬† Please get yourself safe and free to heal and get strong.

10.¬†Know that Narcissistic people are known as “Crazymakers” for a good reason.

If you have malignant narcissistic parents, they are not going to change and they are not going to stop trying to make you wrong.¬† You are not wrong for putting your life and your dreams first for a change.¬† This is your time.¬† This is your life.¬† This is your time for healing and dreaming and learning to love yourself as God/The Universe has always wanted for you.¬† Malignant Narcissism is mental illness.¬† It’s a severe problem and insidious in nature because they appear to fit in with other people and have friends and thrive and look fine on the outside.¬†They may even be religious and say they are devoted to God but it is not true.¬† It is just words. They don’t love themselves so they can’t love you. They may even appear to change and will be on their good behavior around your children but be on guard to not believe it.¬† They may even turn your kids against you in an instant if they are able so beware.¬† There’s a deeply hidden self-hatred there underneath in a malignant narcissist¬†and a desire to control others with no remorse and no desire to change which is a disconnected self-protection from emotional pain–a complete separation from their soul’s true essence.¬† That’s enough knowledge for you to know you need to get you and your children safe with safe boundaries in place.

11.  Know that highly sensitive people absorb the negative energy of others. Time alone and the beauty of nature can help recharge your positive energy.

Malignant narcissists can be like energy vampires sucking the good energy out of you and replacing it with all their unconscious negative feelings about themselves.¬† It may feel as if you feed them, so to speak, and they take it and feel better about themselves. And they constantly want more, not seeing or caring how it is hurting you.¬† Only you can stop feeding their endless need for your supply of positive energy.¬†This is what it means to develop healthy boundaries.¬† It is your very essence, your¬†“gift” that they are taking–your ability to give light and love to others.¬† You must protect this gift.¬†It is meant for you and for those who are also of light and love so that we can build each other up and help each other so that all of our dreams can come true and we can improve life on our planet.¬† These dreams and desires that you have deep inside are the inner voice that connects you to God/The Universe and to the light that feeds all of us who are connected to our true essence (HSPs).¬† It is the LOVE that you never got from your N parents that you begin to feel has been inside of you all along.¬† As you begin to connect with your real¬†feelings and your vitality you connect with God and the love and bliss that was there innately in our true selves.¬†¬†Love exists and you can give it to yourselves when you realize you were loved all along and were born with this love to give to others who¬†don’t exploit you.

12.  Know that you can rescue yourself!  No-one can do it for you.

Take the first steps and start on a path of healing today.¬† Be strong and stay away from your malignant narcissistic parent while you heal and anyone who judges you for doing so.¬† You don’t need to explain¬†it to anyone. (Most likely you have hidden abandonment wounds that need addressed because you get triggered easily and you are very hard on yourself about that.) Most highly sensitive people will understand without explanation.¬† They are out there–don’t give up!¬†I am proud to be a highly sensitive person and now as a life coach of inner child healing I shine my light brightly to help other sensitive souls out of the dark.¬† You have a light inside of you that has just been hiding in fear.¬† Everything is going to be all right now as the truth of who you are comes to light.¬†Please take extremely good care of yourself so your highly sensitive soul can shine and inspire others. I hope these tips have been helpful to you.¬† I care so much and I understand.

With much comfort and Love and Light as you heal,

Roxanne ūüėć‚úĆÔłŹūüôŹūüėáūüíĖ‚ú®

Update! Angel Channeling Success, Inner Child Healing, and a Vacation!

Hi Everyone! I’m happy to say my channeling from last week’s post that I put on YouTube is doing so well!–as of now I have over 2600 views, 260 likes and lots of positive, grateful comments on the Higher Self Channel. I had no idea it would do so well! Here’s the link to see it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpKhVU5Etos

This is bringing people back to MY YouTube Channel and I’m getting new subscribers and it’s helping my outreach to help others through my coaching and through my songs. Yay! With all the excitement, I then caught a bad cold on Friday. I hadn’t come down with a virus like this in years–I like to believe it happened because I’m clearing out the old from my body that no longer fits and I have shifted into a higher vibration–I hope! ūüėá. This is what my inner guidance is saying ūüėć‚ú®¬†so I’m inclined to believe it. ūüėÉ It’s called a “healing crisis”–google it if you want to learn more.

healing-crisis

I also had to process some emotional pain that got triggered when I was feeling so sick, miserable and alone, and unable to think, or do any work–it triggered me back to my abandonment wound from early childhood and I started spiraling with hopelessness feelings and irrational thoughts like “I will never be well again”–a child believe’s this when they have no comfort and no-one to explain what is happening and that they are going to be okay.

heal the inner child

This wisdom came to me when I allowed myself to examine what messages my inner critic was saying when I was feeling the worst.¬† With this delving inward, I had an AHA moment!– for the first time when ill, I had clarity of exactly where that feeling came from and I was able to feel it and comfort myself through it–simultaneously I felt myself finally healing from the virus as I felt it lift after a short but intense crying spell about the original neglect and simultaneously comforting myself through it–this was an emotional healing breakthrough! I let the little child in me cry about the original painful event that had been repressed.¬† I felt so good after that cry–I was …reconnected to my truth–to my true higher self.

That was yesterday.¬† Today, when I woke up, I felt like Yay my brain is working again, I feel excited and stronger than ever, and I’m getting ready for a vacation in 4 days with my husband.

Palm tree beach

I’ll be back here writing again after I get back from the Bahamas (my first time there ever)! ūüėĀ¬†.

I hope by sharing these things I go through, it will help you the next time you get triggered to a stuck feeling. Write about it and decipher it back to it’s roots and let the inner child ( or past life YOU) cry about it to release this truth that has been repressed.¬† Crying is part of the healing–Comforting yourself is the crucial 2nd part of the emotional healing process–you know you would comfort a crying child who is ill (or abused) and needs to be held and reassured–of course you would so give this to yourself!!¬† You can be your own healer!!

157526-Deepak-Chopra-Quote-Any-cell-tissue-or-organ-is-capable-of-crying

If you resonate with this, then this is a good time to start an emotional healing journal today if you have not already.  Think of it as writing out a private conversation with your best loving friend, your higher self, who loves you unconditionally!

Journaling with tea

It’s so healing!! More on this on another post! Have a wonderful couple of weeks, Everyone!!¬† Sending all of you hugs, comfort, compassion, and deep understanding.

With Love, Light, and Gratefulness,

Roxanne ūüėáūüíĖ‚ú®

Recovery from PTSD from Childhood Trauma–for Highly Sensitive Souls

Hello everyone.¬† I hope you are able to enjoy the holidays and find some inner peace and joy in just “being wonderful, sensitive YOU!”. For highly sensitive souls, the holidays can be difficult, especially if you are triggered easily due to PTSD from childhood trauma. I relate, however, many big breakthroughs have been happening for myself. I have been wanting to write and connect with you all about all the self discovery and healing I am learning about and how it’s making profound shifts in my own life–I am always listening to my inner guidance and growing.¬† It’s an amazing process once you get on a roll.¬† One day while journaling, the following information just poured out of me from my inner guidance and I knew it was meant to share on this blog.¬† Here it is:

“You can recover from PTSD from childhood trauma.¬† It‚Äôs not easy. It‚Äôs step by step. Yes, it really is about putting one foot in front of the other-wading through the feelings and voicing your truth.¬† When you have PTSD from trauma in childhood it is your root chakra that continually needs help in your life. This is about getting your legs underneath you, standing strong on your own 2 feet, and feeling safe.¬† It‚Äôs about moving forward towards your dreams.¬† It‚Äôs about feeling solid, centered, grounded, and safe for your soul to stay in your body.¬† When you voice your deep fears and the truth about their origins to a safe person, it validates you to feel safe and be ‚Äúin‚ÄĚ your body‚ÄĒperhaps for the first time.”¬†

I didn‚Äôt know I wasn‚Äôt in my body until 2011 and I had memories of terror come up when I was laid up with some health problems. I had to cry and re-experience the terror with a safe person holding my hand as I voiced the truth of what happened to me. Realizing it was from childhood and not in the present is part of the relief‚ÄĒyou realize you are not dying or going to die from the emotional pain (which is what a child believes) but just releasing a repressed trauma.¬† Afterwards, I had a new sensation and a knowing that I was stronger‚ÄĒI proclaimed, “OMG! I feel like I am in my body for the first time!” I never forgot this moment and I was amazed‚ÄĒyou realize the profound shifts that emotional healing can evoke.¬† It propels you to keep feeling more and more of your repressed pain and release it as it comes up.¬†

After this you begin to understand you are building a foundation (healing your root chakra)‚ÄĒa solid foundation is being laid down brick by brick.¬† It takes time and patience and deep love for yourself.¬† You are lovable and you have always been.¬† You deserve to feel safe and whole and vital.¬† You can overcome all of your fears and step into your whole true self.¬† You are on your way!

More helpful guidance for highly sensitive souls on the way in 2019!¬† Happy New Year to you all!! It’s gonna be a great year!!!

With love and light,

Roxanne ūüėá‚ú®

Part 3 (Final) of Heart To Heart Update

Hello everyone! If you’ve been feeling extra tired, or extra emotional, or stuck, or triggered, I believe the full moon todayfull harvest moon¬†is causing energies that are helping us to clear out some deep unhealed layers of childhood pain.¬† I personally have been very tired and journaling a lot to work through heavy, dark feelings of self-doubt and unworthiness — which hasn’t been easy.¬† Some of my best songs and poems arise at times like these and I’ll be sharing them here hopefully soon to help anyone who resonates and would like to feel hopeful about their emotional state.¬† The poem I wrote on Oct. 1 that I mentioned in my last post will be shared in my next post–I read it again today and it was helpful in moving out the stuck emotions I felt today so I plan to share that in the coming few days.

Now, on with Part 3!–Here’s the last part of my heart to heart series to update everyone on what I’ve been doing while I was on a break from writing regularly on this blog. This post is a long one–future posts will be much shorter for easier reading I promise!

Continuing with sharing the story of my journey to finally start performing, let me just say it took until fall of 2017 for me to feel ready to start looking for paid gigs–I had been practicing¬†a 2 hour set of my songs (including playing guitar) for many months while we got settled in our new house (Oct. 2016) before I felt ready to reach out to venues as a professional musician. Then on one courageous day, I took the leap and did it–made phone calls and sent emails with a demo video I had made.

1st gig photo

1st gig on Sept. 23, 2017

I found 2 local venues (a branch of Breweries, and a winery) that were encouraging local artists and paid, albeit meagerly, for 2 hours of a mix of original folk rock and cover songs by my favorite artists: James Taylor, Carole King, The Eagles, Linda Ronstadt, Bonnie Raitt, Neil Young, and more! My album and the demo I made with performance videos from my open mic nights helped convince them to give me a chance and soon I was performing once a month then twice a month and then eventually 4 times a month. By the end of the summer of 2018 I was doing 3 hour gigs as well with several hired guitarists that I had duos with. Phew!rock and roll wonder woman

I stopped in September to take a break and get organized with my coaching and this blog and also to celebrate!– because I feel over a hump and ready to branch out and collaborate with some new musicians and look for higher paying venues.¬† Breaking through a glass ceiling that I never thought I could achieve brings up surprising amounts of grief and emotional pain and is not all just happiness, ease, and fun.¬†glass ceiling Yes, when you have childhood wounds that kept you in a state of hiding most of your life, you must keep up with the positive affirmations and self-care of course but also make time for grieving the loss of all the years you didn’t believe in yourself and your gifts. It’s important to leave time for emotional healing and not spread yourself too thin.¬† It took some time for me to find a balance that worked for me.keep calm and glass ceiling

Okay, so now on a new topic, not only have I been performing and working on my music career, but I have also developed some new life coaching skills and emotional healing tools. From 2014 to now and continuing, I have been working with various intuitive coaches, energy healers, and spiritual counselors.¬† Through my seeking and thirst for knowledge about the spiritual realms, I have developed my own intuitive abilities to the point where I am proud to say that I am now a channel for spiritual guidance¬†¬†as an Akashic Record Reader and you can read more about this on my new life coaching website. Yay! It’s very exciting! I realize now that I have always had this ability on some level but now I am able to ask for and receive spiritual inner guidance with greater clarity and greater confidence, knowing, and with greater tools to help others.AA Muriel

And this is because:¬† I have had to continually be doing intense emotional healing of my own.¬† Layers of pain coming up to the surface with each new success–the pain and doubt doesn’t just magically go away one day when you have many childhood wounds–having given up on myself at the age of 5 and banished my true self and my dreams away to develop a false self that was hiding and codependent, a people pleaser, and a rescuer–I’ve had to continue to work on healing all of these issues!¬† I’ve continually been working through the PTSD that results from having the abandonment wounds (from being hospitalized as a toddler) and also working through shame and feeling unsafe to be my true self as a child and throughout my early adulthood.¬† I had learned how to survive by hiding away my true desires and gifts and dreams so completely that I gave up on my music for 20 years while raising my children. Perhaps you can relate!¬†hiding under a rock.jpeg

And so now here I am an empty nester, feeling like I’m in my 30’s (due to a healthy diet and new tools), pursuing a singing career, to share my songs that flow out of me– sometimes from my wounded heart but mostly from the bright light of hope inside of me that knows my purpose on the planet is to write and sing music and also give hope to others who cannot find their way up and out of the painful layers that often feel too heavy to break through.

Joni-Mitchell-Complete-So-Far-Guitar-Songbook-Edition-800

As I write this I realize I’ve learned and sharpened so many tools since 2012:guitar yoga¬† I learned ways to replenish and to re-energize my adrenals; continued my healthy diet; exercise regularly for strength and endurance; made myself more disciplined to practice my music as a priority; tap into spirit often to sharpen those innate intuitive skills and gifts; continue to write poetry and songs as I work through the emotional challenges;¬† I have opened myself up to spiritual knowledge about ascension symptoms, upgrades to the planet, and even the effect of past lives on our current incarnations; practice extreme self-care as I continue to grow from life’s challenges and surprises, and remind myself that the rule #1 from this blog still applies and was really ground-breaking at that time.

And that is that Self-Compassion is rule #1!journal tea bed

I’m grateful to this blog for this all important bit of wisdom to come forth–because it was writing here to you all that caused this bit of wisdom to be born!

And so I say thank you to all of you that are part of this highly sensitive, compassionate, and spiritually awakened community of Hope and Healing from Childhood Wounds. I hope it continues to be a haven of safety for your wounded inner child to come and get strong–as a cocoon for you to grow your wings at your own pace and try out your new wings when you are feeling strong enough to go for your dreams.¬† As always my message is:¬† You Can Do It!! …And have compassion and kindness for yourself as the pain comes up to heal with each success! Because you are strong enough to feel it, comfort yourself through it, acknowledge that you absorbed negativity you didn’t deserve, release it, rest, and rise again!inner child

Rest here in this haven anytime you wish, and reach out to this community or just read the comments from the hundreds who have reached out with their stories of childhood wounds and emotional healing in the comment sections. I would love to hear from you!  Please leave a comment to let me know you are helped by what I am sharing or if you are new to this community so that I can welcome you.

Wishing all of you comfort, inner peace, and so much love as you continue to heal,

Roxanne ūüėá‚úĆÔłŹūüé∂ūüíĖ‚ú®

Roxanne Smith – Folk Rock Songs For the Soul

 

 

 

Part 2 Of My New Beginning Journey–How 2013 AMAZINGLY Gave Me Wings To Fly in 2014.

PART 2:

Your time as a caterpillar...

Hi Everyone. So much has happened since my last post, I want to update you about all that has transpired. In fall of 2012, I was drawn to look for a new family doctor for myself and just for fun googled Highly Sensitive Doctor in Indianapolis haha. ¬†What I found was not a doctor who called himself highly sensitive but a doctor with amazing reviews from patients who said he was highly sensitive to their needs. ¬†I made an appointment even though I felt I was in pretty good health at the time and didn’t really have any dire need–I just wanted a doctor who would understand and support my quest for the best holistic and alternative health care I could find.

I had to wait 3 months to get in with him but it was worth it.  He listened to all of my theories on how I had healed my food allergies, chronic fatigue, candidiasis, adrenal fatigue issues through holistic means and an anti-inflammatory gluten-free diet. I also shared how I was feeling pretty good considering my age and the impending hormonal changes.  He was impressed rather than skeptical and I was thrilled at his response.  Still he ordered a pretty extensive blood test to be sure and I am so glad he did.  The results came back that I had low thyroid function and had to be put on thyroid medication immediately!

Changes look negative, new to emergeThe amazing thing to me is it turned out he was a specialist in knowledge about the thyroid–the exact best person to help me with this particular condition! And so gave me a prescription for Armour thyroid which is the best naturally derived medication and it’s hard to find an open-minded Dr. who will prescribe it. ¬†Another amazing thing was I didn’t have symptoms until I was waiting for those blood test results and I suddenly gained 15 pounds in 3 weeks even though I was eating extremely healthy and watching carbs and calories. ¬†It was quite shocking to see my body react this way but also to know that I had the perfect kind of care at the exact right time.

And another amazing thing that happened was that during my first visit with that doctor a large Bald Eagle flew past the window and the Dr. was shocked and said Oh my gosh did you just see that?–with that I looked out the window and saw this beautiful majestic bald eagle flying in the air. This was in a busy neighborhood inside the city limits! ¬†I was thrilled that the doctor felt as I did that this was quite an amazing and beautiful sight and agreed with me that maybe it had ¬†been a special “sign” that I was in the right place at the right time–all this on the first visit before I found out about the thyroid issue!I Know that was you God...

Now at this point I am feeling really blessed and cared for from up above to be guided to just the right doctor at just the right time. ¬†But I also had big questions now. ¬†Why had I gotten thyroid problems with all my healthy lifestyle habits? ¬†Well this doctor’s thorough questionnaire I had filled out helped me to see that I was working too much and I was feeling stressed even though I loved what I was doing, I was feeling pretty drained a lot of the time. ¬†This is when my coaching was at a peak with a waiting list of clients and I was really loving all the success my inner child healing practice was doing for others and it was very fulfilling helping others heal.

When I did some research about low thyroid I found out that it is in the throat chakra which has to do with creative self-expression and I immediately¬†knew… ¬†I hadn’t been singing. ¬†All the songwriting had sort of stopped and I had been too busy with my coaching and I had stopped making time for my music. It was clear to me–I knew it deep inside–I am supposed to be singing and getting my then 40 (now over 50) original songs of hope and healing recorded and out to help others heal– as it was the songs that had helped me heal, ¬†find my “voice”, and were the impetus to start the blogging and the coaching! ¬†It had been the music that had started everything healing and moving forward to my vitality and inner peace and I realized I had neglected this important part of me. ¬†So I cut back on my coaching and immediately felt better as I devoted time each week to resting, singing, and songwriting, and in May 2013 I started making professional recordings of my songs!follow your bliss, doors will open

At my second visit back with this doctor he gave me adrenal supplements and other vitamins saying it was the low adrenals affecting the thyroid and that he thought if I reduced stress and took care of myself I could gradually get off the thyroid medication.  And he was right!  I did it!  I worked on recording my songs all summer long and I also went to a new chiropractor who gave me Neuro-emotional Technique (NET) treatments each week.  By the end of summer I was completely off the thyroid medication!  And I still am!  Amazing!

Okay and there’s more amazing news. ¬†That fall (2012) that I had just been put on thyroid medication I knew I wanted to do more singing but I wasn’t sure how I was going to move forward with it. ¬†Well, one saturday night my husband and I decided to go to a little nearby bar that we had never been to before to listen to some live music. ¬†And there was a young guy age 29 singing all of my favorite songs that I used to sing harmony to growing up and over the years. He was playing guitar and harmonica and was extremely talented but here he was in this little bar so I felt compelled to ask him if he’d be interested in helping me record my songs. ¬†He said Yes! ¬†He needed some extra money and I needed some professional help recording and guidance on how best to proceed with making an album.

Turns out that this guy turned out to be very professional indeed and the perfect guy to help me. Not only that, he slowly revealed to me as I got to know him, that he was very close to being signed with a music contract for his band with his original music, had met Clive Davis, had been flown to Hollywood several times, had opened for John Legend, and had many friends in the music business. ¬†He is a songwriter too and he liked my songs and songwriting ability. ¬†He liked my singing too but I had pretty bad stage fright to perform in public at that time and it was not even in my mind to attempt to overcome it–I was just planning to make an album, not perform.To live in fear‚Ķdeny our dreams

But as our collaboration was working successfully, as my vocal coach he invited me to sing with him at his gigs so I could get used to performing!  At first it was one song, then 2, and by the end of the summer I was singing up to 8 songs with him at his gigs and had overcome my fear of performing on stage!  I got to sing harmony to my favorite songs from the Eagles, Bob Seger, John Mellencamp, Tom Petty etc., it was a dream come true!  And it was so much fun! (I have pictures of this on my music website).

The best part is he and I worked on my songs–we got 6 songs completely done, mixed, and produced by him, and he laid down the most beautiful guitar tracks for 22 more of my songs, and he taught me how to record and mix the rest of the songs by myself. ¬†And with his encouragement I have been improving my own guitar playing skills as well so that I can start going to open mic nights while I record my songs. ¬†And that’s what I am pursuing now!Words sing out

Wow, what a summer! ¬†This fall and winter I have continued to write more songs and work on the albums and it is going really well! ¬†I can’t wait to share my songs with all of you! ¬†I have been working hard on this new music website and figuring out how to integrate all my work ¬†so all my healing songs, coaching and blogging are easily accessible for those who will most find inspiration and healing from them.

Hole in my heartonly i can fillSo now I want to share with you a sample of an especially healing song from my new album A New Beginning that is one of my absolute favorites and I wrote it last summer. I hope you like it. ¬†It’s call Hole In My Soul and here is a sample: ¬†

I am very excited to announce that all 6 professionally recorded healing songs from my new album are now available for purchase with free samples of each song for you to listen to first! ¬†You can buy downloads of the songs there on the website www.RoxanneSmithMusic.com–all proceeds will go to continuing my work to help others heal from childhood emotional pain. ¬†It’s a great cause! ¬†I highly recommend playing the songs especially in the morning each day as you get ready–it will change your mood for the day and has a healing effect. ¬†Many people have told me this and I have experienced it myself with my own songs which I feel were somehow “given” to me from “above” when I wrote them–they healed something deep inside. Think of it as part of your extreme-self-care healing routine each day which is so important for us survivors of childhood trauma. ¬†We need to do extra kind and comforting things for ourselves each day! ¬†These songs were written for you! ¬†Please try it and let me know how it works for you. ¬†My second album, Songs of Hope and Healing will have the most deeply healing songs on it and it is in the works as soon as this first album is complete. ¬†I will be releasing each song individually as it gets finished so keep checking back for more song releases.

Thank you for reading today and please like my facebook community page (if you like it) called Higher Ground Haven– I have¬†now attached it to this blog so that our community can reach out and grow and connect in even more ways than before. ¬†I look forward to your comments and to meeting and seeing you on facebook where I will be posting updates and information about healing childhood wounds, narcissistic parents, highly sensitive people (HSPs), unblocking your creativity, and how to go for your dreams, as well as videos of me and my music. ¬†Remember, you can create the life you desire in your heart. ¬†You are a shining light of compassion and love. ¬†You deserve comfort, encouragement, compassion, and a community of safety and healing support that we all missed out on as children. I hope you find all of that here on my¬†blog as your new Hope and Healing Haven. ūüėÄYou are important, you matter

Sending all of you much love and light and deep caring,

Roxanne

A New Beginning For This Blog As We Continue Healing Our Childhood Wounds

Sharing our story sets us free

Hi everyone. I have an announcement to make but first I want to thank all of you who have followed this blog and who have shared your stories and have felt part of this community of hope and healing. It was years ago in January 2010 that I started this blog and many of you have grown and evolved with me as we have shared and healed our childhood wounds together.  I want to fill you in on the details and the big changes ahead for this blog. Yes, it is time for some exciting new changes and the biggest one is that I want to reveal my real name and take ownership of this blog that I am so proud of.

I have been upfront since the first day of this blog saying on my About page that I was using a PEN name. Elaine D. Sanders. I chose this special name so that I could write uninhibitedly about my journey in emotional healing and so that I could help others who are struggling to find and express their true voice as well.  My pen name served me well and I have no regrets about being known as Elaine and proudly using this name for my life coaching business that came about because of the success of helping others through this blog.use your voice…brave…live life imagined

Now I am stepping fully into the light with my real legal name and claiming my story.  I feel and hope this will be very empowering for others who are healing from childhood wounds as well. It is with love and compassion and gratefulness in my heart that I share this information with you, my followers and readers, because I know you will understand and support this new venture of empowerment for all of us to step into our truth, and be unafraid to speak up with our true voice about our childhood experiences and our healing journeys. There is no shame in telling your story, nothing to fear when you speak up for yourself about times you felt diminished and unloved as a child.  Telling the truth and coming out of hiding is the right thing to do and doing so will support others to do the same.

My middle name really is Elaine. ¬†I love the name and when I first decided to start this blog I was proud to find out that the meaning of the name Elaine is “shining light”. ¬†My legal first name is Roxanne and I was thrilled to find out the meaning of Roxanne is “dawn”–light of a new day-a new beginning. Right now I am gradually changing all posts and comments from Elaine to Roxanne. ¬†It will take a while to complete the change and until then I hope all will be understood.¬†Being yourself‚Ķis easier

Some might ask, with the great success of this blog why not stay Elaine?  Well, about a year and a half ago, I wanted my grown children and husband to be able to tell of my new successful career as a life coach and singer/songwriter without having to tell a long story of why I had a pen name. Also, I wanted to start a home community life coaching business and I also wanted to be close to my family (and also to this new support network) through facebook.  So I started a home community life coaching website, a new blog with more songs, a personal facebook page and community facebook page in my legal name that I go by on a daily basis with close friends, my husband and kids. Through this experiment I eventually realized I now felt uninhibited to talk about inner child healing and my own healing journey with great confidenceРI was able to do both and go back and forth to both blogs and websites with ease for quite a while.  I gradually saw how I was dividing myself and my energies.  Recently it came clear how I could integrate everything to my legal name and that this would be very empowering for all for me to do this. My energies of late had been mostly with my new creative ventures in my world as myself, Roxanne E. Smith.  I am now ready to come out on this blog and say this is who I am, this is what I experienced, and this is how I recovered, and I want to be a role model to help others to come out and express their true voice as well.Owning our story…brave..our light

Upon beginning to write about my past, I had no idea that this blog would be so helpful to others as it has become. ¬†My intention was and is to help and support others by sharing my experience and journey of emotional healing. ¬†I have no resentment, anger, or bitterness towards any people from my past. I do not carry any hard feelings towards them and I wish them only peace and love. ¬†I believe I may have chosen everything that happened to me because I knew my soul was strong enough to recover so that I could help others. ¬†I am now grateful for everything that has ever happened to me for now I am on this path of enlightenment and helping others see their beautiful shining light within that is underneath the layers of pain and self-doubt. I believe helping souls to break through to their true essence is my true purpose in life. ¬†I have come to a place where I know that the absence of light experienced as children is because parents and caregivers of children may have had atrocities and abuses from their own childhood that may have caused a¬†complete¬†separation from their own light. ¬†We absorbed all that darkness as ¬†highly sensitive gifted children but now, after emotional healing, we can now give that light back to ourselves — as for myself, it was only through much inner grief work that I recovered and this is what I now help others through my work–through blogging, life coaching, and through sharing my healing songs and their lyrics.

The truth will set us freeI shared my honest feelings on this blog because¬†this was my experience¬†and it was this candidness that most helped people relate their own feelings and stories and heal on a deep level. Many of my songs continue to reflect the painful journey to wholeness and joy from a childhood of feeling lost–I feel it was through the gift of music and creative song writing that I was able to heal and express my voice and this self expression continues to heal me as well as others. ¬†I have continued to write and record more healing songs recently and this is the project that has kept me busy this past year.follow fire in heart‚Ķpassion is your purpose

I have a new music website for my newly created and professionally recorded Album–A New Beginning!¬†¬†I am excited to share with you my songs which are my new passion and focus as of right now and my album of 10 professionally recorded songs is now available for download and also on iTunes, Spotify, Amazon, and many other sites worldwide.

Other changes on this blog and my websites include the adding of a link to my facebook community page called Higher Ground Haven. So please check it out by finding it on the right side of the page and clicking on the name of it–you don’t have to be on facebook to enjoy it–it is open to the public and will just be another means of support for this community. ¬†Sometimes in winds‚Ķ. find our direction

There will be a new name for this blog–it is being changed from Hope and Healing with Elaine to¬†Hope and Healing Haven. ¬†I hope you like it and will remember it easily. ¬†I think it is a great fit! ¬†The domain name is going back to hopehealing.wordpress.com. Elainedsanders.com will no longer be. ¬†I won’t be taking new clients for an indefinite period of time because my singing/songwriting career is taking center stage in my life right now and I will be sharing my song lyrics which are self-help poetry put to music as I embark on this new career.

I hope that you will enjoy embarking with me on this NEW BEGINNING journey. ¬†My song A NEW BEGINNING has new meaning now as it has been rerecorded professionally and is the perfect tribute to this new phase of this Hope and Healing Blog that I hope will continue to be a Haven for all souls seeking healing from their childhood wounds and empowerment to find their true voice and true self.like the End of world is a new beginning Please enjoy listening to a sample of A New Beginning below: ¬†press > play to hear Another song I’d like to share is called “I’m All Right”–you can listen to a sample of it below:

My new music website is finished and it is ready to share with you, you may visit it here:¬†RoxanneSmithMusic.com. 10 professionally recorded healing songs from my new album are now finalized and available for purchase with free samples of each song for you to listen to first! ¬†You can buy downloads of the songs there on the website–all proceeds will go to continuing my work to help others heal from childhood emotional pain. ¬†It’s a great cause! ¬†I highly recommend playing the songs especially in the morning each day as you get ready–it will change your mood for the day and has a healing effect. Think of it as part of your extreme-self-care healing routine each day which is so important for highly sensitive survivors. ¬†We need to do extra kind things for ourselves each day! ¬†Please try it and let me know how it works for you–I welcome the testimonials!

Thank you for reading today.  I am excited to re-connect with all of you survivors who are searching for emotional guidance and a safe place to feel connected and to heal from the past.  This is a wonderful community to be a part of and I feel truly blessed and grateful. Welcome To Hope and Healing Haven!

With love, blessings, and warmest caring wishes,

Roxanne

(Read the following comments from the bottom up)

 

Roxanne hopehealing.wordpress.com truevoicelifecoach@ymail.com 162.201.38.186
Submitted on 2014/02/11 at 12:59 pm | In reply to Judy.

Thank you so much, Judy! That’s wonderful that you will be joining me! You are an important part of this community and I appreciate your support and participation as we journey ahead! With love and light, Roxanne

Judy theprojectbyjudy.wordpress.com pbnjudy@1791.com 70.162.0.48
Submitted on 2014/02/10 at 2:26 pm

Congratulations. I’m looking forward to step onto this new path with you.

Roxanne hopehealing.wordpress.com truevoicelifecoach@ymail.com 162.201.38.186
Submitted on 2014/02/09 at 4:58 pm | In reply to Alec.

Hi Alec! Thank you so much for your kind words and encouragement! Yes, I‚Äôve got new wings to fly higher!‚ÄďI hope it is ‚Äúuplifting‚ÄĚ for all! Stay tuned for my next post in 2 days‚Äďit‚Äôs about my ‚Äúamazing‚ÄĚ past year.

Alec alec.zander@gmail.com 84.103.182.3
Submitted on 2014/02/09 at 8:32 am

This a great step! Well done! You are flying on an amazing trajectory!

==============================================

Here is an edited version of the original “About Me” when I was using a pen name, written in December 2009 and used through February 2014 (the original was changed a few times over the years ):

Hello and Welcome!  Elaine is a name that has special significance to me and I have chosen this Pen name because it will make it easier to be completely honest and uninhibited in all my writing. My wonderful supportive husband and I have both had many childhood wounds to heal and overcome and we have made a new wonderful life and have raised two amazing children.

I have a Bachelor of Science degree in¬†Child and Family Services with emphasis in humanistic counseling psychology, sociology,¬† family dynamics, and child development. ¬†There was nothing more important to me than raising children with high self-esteem and to be emotionally healthy, and breaking the cycle of emotional repression that has been passed down for generations through our extended families.¬† Our children are in college and beyond now, adjusting well to all of life’s demands, and my husband and I couldn’t be prouder of them, not just because of their accomplishments and achievements but because of the relationships we have with¬†them and the caring, loving people they have become.¬† We are supportive and encouraging of whatever they choose to do with their lives and we are there for them to listen to their feelings and they in turn are supportive and encouraging to us and grateful and loving human beings.

I have discovered many things along the way to building a healthy family and finding my true purpose in life.¬† I have discovered I am an INFJ, an empath, a highly sensitive person, an avid journaler, writer of self-help poetry,¬†and a singer/songwriter writing many songs–including my songs of hope and healing.¬† These songs were written¬†mostly to help myself through the pain from my many childhood wounds and the ups and downs of life.¬†Most of all, I have discovered the depth of my skills as an Empathic Life Coach.¬† With this, I have discovered my true purpose in life-all my skills of writing and singing and songwriting have been catalysts in helping me express and find my true voice–to realize that my true purpose is empowering other highly sensitive souls to heal from their wounds from childhood and become the person they are¬†meant to be.

I feel it as a privilege for me to provide comfort and support to any soul¬†who is in emotional pain¬†and to let them know there is hope and someone out there who understands.¬†With the help of this website,¬†¬†it is¬†my hope to validate, inspire, and give hope to people¬†through my writing,¬† my music, and my availability to you¬†as an Empathic¬†Life Coach. ¬† So often a person just needs a companion to listen–someone to validate the complex and confusing¬†painful feelings that come up when childhood wounds are triggered and then keep us from moving forward to become our true selves. ¬†Our blog community strives to be an “enlightened witness”¬† for any person who needs to be heard about¬†childhood wounds or if you have no family members or friends who understand you. ¬†Please check out the comment sections of each post which contain lots of guidance and sharing of experiences. We understand and we care. Welcome to our community!

With love,

Roxanne

How HSPs Can Heal From Inner Shame and Numb Emotions

Hi everyone! ¬†Summer is upon us and I hope you are enjoying the many opportunities that arise in this beautiful season. ¬†For those of us in the midwestern United States, we know the warm weather is short-lived so we try to get outside and enjoy it while we can. ¬†As highly sensitive people though this “pressure” to enjoy the outdoors can add to our “to do” list that is already too long as it is! ¬†Please look at the weather as a bonus to get outside in nature to recharge from the usual stress in our lives–just setting aside even 10 minutes alone in the morning and 10 minutes in the evening to walk, ride a bike, or even just sit outside and look and marvel at the sky or walk barefoot in the warm grass will help you enjoy the moments of summer more fully and not feel like the summer is passing you by yet again.

Today I woke up with a very strong feeling of shame and dread.  Along with it though there was very strong clarity about the truth of these feelings and the shame and dread very soon faded away as I got on with my day.  So I wanted to share with you the process that I go through and how I got to this emotionally healthy place!

Immediately when feeling this strong dread and shame this morning I went straight to comforting myself and saying to myself, “Wow, I must have done something really great for my true self yesterday–I must have really been expressing my truth and shining my light…. these feelings from childhood coming up to heal are the evidence and so I must be extra kind to myself today.” ¬†I KNOW this now because of many years of analyzing and paying attention to my own emotional patterns. ¬†I learned that when I wrote a great song, ¬†poem, ¬†or even when I just had great uninhibited fun or even exercise,¬†this strong shame¬†feeling would always pop up for me the morning of the next day. ¬†This is because these feelings from childhood were my experience day in and day out until I had to give up as a child and repress my true self and all of the memories of this unbearable shame in order to survive.

Back then as a child, when I expressed my true wise self, or my joy in my own creativity, I felt shamed to the core. ¬†I KNOW this now. ¬†I no longer allow these dreadful feelings when they arise in me to negatively spiral in the following way: ¬†My inner critic used to say, “What is wrong with me that I feel this shame, it feels terrible, almost unbearable, I feel disgusting, I must have done something horrible and shameful, I thought I had a good day yesterday but it must not be true, what was I thinking, I am never going to feel better, why do I even try”…blah blah blah, down down down the spiral went, draining all hope and positive energy out of me, leading to a depressed feeling and sometimes just numbness (dissociation) as I trudged though the day. ¬†Wow, it’s hard to believe I used to spiral this way!! ¬†But I did! ¬†My inner critic has now completely been replaced with positive affirmations that I KNOW are true. ¬†I don’t let my inner critic take over and I over-ride it with love and compassion for myself. ¬†It took a lot of inner work but the whole process was well worth it.

My thought and feeling cycles are so different now as I know that how I treat myself with my inner thoughts create the kind of day and experience I am going to have.  This is more than just positive thinking or law of attraction techniques.  I had to go through a grieving process that actually changed my core beliefs about myself to the point that I learned that I had a lot to be sad about, angry about, and plenty to comfort myself through.  I had to delve into the past to see where the negative beliefs came from and get justice (inwardly) for the little girl inside who felt so much like an inferior being.  It was not the truth and I had to figure out what the truth was for ME.

As a mother I knew, and my college education in child development told me, that NO child is inferior and deserves to be shamed–so the inner grief work was a challenge for me to put together this puzzle to find out the truth about what happened to me to make me feel so bad about myself. ¬†Memories started coming back to me and feelings that had been dormant and frozen in time became “available” to me again and I learned compassion for that little girl inside. ¬†This took a while and everyone’s journey to healing will be different and take as long as it takes to work through your layers of illusions that keep you from seeing the truth of your brilliant shining light and true self.

So please be patient with yourself if you are in the middle of feeling all the pain and not yet seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. ¬†Or if you are feeling comfortably numb but joyless and lacking motivation. ¬†The light is there. ¬†It is because you had this bright light and higher spiritual level that bullies in your life had to put you down and put out your light. ¬†You may have been a threat to their distorted view of the world where “their” feelings were the center of the universe. ¬†But your light never went out–it was just dimmed or covered up with illusions and blocks that are not true about you. ¬†You have the power within you to turn your light back up high yourself! ¬†No one can do it for you. It takes time to learn how to process through the layers of dormant feelings.

Writing out your pain in a journal for your eyes only is so important to the healing process because it gets you out of your left brain’s spiraling or scattered thoughts and connects you to your right brain’s compassion for yourself and creativity. ¬†Document your progress in the journal and then go back and make yourself read the hopeful stuff you write, you will begin to see how amazing and wise you are that you survived it all and that there is so much to look forward to as you grow and grow in your own compassion for your wounded inner child. ¬†As you grow to protect your inner child and stand up for the rights to all of your feelings, the negative thoughts about yourself begin to change.

Another thing I had to realize was that no one was going to rescue me but ME and I had to make a decision to never ever beat myself up again. ¬†I remember saying to myself once, “That is it!!, that is the last time! ¬†I am never going to waste my time in such misery again!” ¬†And it stuck. ¬†I still had bad days when shameful feelings came up to heal but I comforted myself instead. ¬†Maybe I stayed on the couch that day BUT I was kind to myself instead. ¬†I put away my to-do list, watched a favorite movie, made myself my favorite warm soup or hot tea, wrapped myself in a soft blanket, “loved” myself through the bad feelings and had compassion for my inner child who deserved love ¬†and comfort. ¬†And I allowed myself to grieve the happy carefree childhood that I never had. ¬†This is so important to learn to do for ourselves–we hsp survivors may feel like we got skipped as we nurture our children and everyone around us–I realized this was important for me to take the time to mother my self for a while. ¬†Then I would feel SO¬†much better¬†after I took a day for myself like this–I would feel renewed and recharged and it started a habit of a positive cycle of healing and change.

These were the new patterns and beliefs that were laying groundwork for new neurons in my brain for a new future and over-riding the shame from childhood. ¬†This is the process of recovery from emotional abuse. ¬†It is not easy. ¬†It is not fun. ¬†It is painful. But with delving into the pain at first I noticed that I at least felt more “alive” and this was a “spark” of light that kept me going towards the painful truth and not escaping into a comfortably numb existence of denial and dissociation that had for years kept me from moving forward towards my dreams and desires. ¬†Instead I started continually delving into and through the pain to find my truth and alivenessI¬†acknowledge the painful feeling and¬†released it layer by layer in my journal or to a trusted, safe witness and gradually I emerged on the other side of it all. ¬†The shame and dread that I wake up to is now just a weak residue, a glimmer of the truth of the past and all I worked through to get here–to where the joy in my heart can’t wait to get started on another day of being me in a Universe that I feel connected to and know that it supports me!

And so I say to all of you out there who are on what feels like an endless healing path, there is light at the end of the tunnel and it is awesome! When you can tap into the light and love from inside of you and believe and know that you deserve it, then you will be able shine your light and recharge and renew yourself anytime you want to!

P.S. More posts are coming soon! ¬†I am working on putting together a post with all of the comments and replies from a frequent commenter who calls herself Belinda. ¬†Her story is an inspiring example of a highly sensitive soul with bullying parents whose painful drama unfolded here on this blog–she bravely reached out and expressed what was in her heart and she came out the other side and into the light–and now she is¬†shining her own light to help others. ¬†Other commenters and my replies will be highlighted in upcoming posts as well. ¬†(I ask all commenters for their permission first before highlighting it in a post.) ¬†Be kind to yourself, HSPs, and I’ll be back in touch soon!

With love,

Roxanne ūüėÄ

The Eruption of Post Traumatic Stress is a Healing Opportunity

Hi everyone.  I hope you had a wonderful summer and are enjoying this beautiful fall season.  Wow.  Two weekends of Indian summer was such a blessing!  In my eyes the beauty of the season makes up for summer coming to an end.  I hope it is beautiful wherever you are located!  It has been a while since I have written, I have had some ailments that have added some stress to my life.  But as always I feel there is a lesson in everything that happens.

Two ailments occurred on top of each other. ¬†I was already in distress about a painful ailment when something randomly flew in my eye and temporarily blinded me and with such severe pain that I could not drive myself to the doctor to get it removed. ¬†This caused me to over-react in such a distressing way that it caused me to experience some childhood emotional pain that had been hidden from me until then. ¬†The object was removed from my eye and it healed completely in the next 4 days but during this stressful time, I remembered a comment my mother had made. It was an epiphany–an aha moment! ¬†Her comment was, “When you were 1 1/2 years old, you had severe diarrhea and were in the hospital for over a week and the doctors never figured out the cause. ¬†The nurses wouldn’t let me visit you because you would try to climb out of the crib to get to me.” ¬†Years ago when she told me this, I had no emotional reaction to it. ¬†But the stress of these health events caused an over-reaction in me that now makes a lot of sense! ¬†Because of this epiphany, the reason for all of the overwhelming feelings I was experiencing came clear. ¬†I realized I was feeling¬†all the repressed emotion of an abandoned toddler who was terrified that her parents were never coming back, who felt she was being punished in this crib in the hospital, who was confused about why all this was happening and it seemed like the end of the world. ¬†This hospitalization at an age where attachment is so crucial and separation anxiety is at a peak, my whole world crumbled and my security completely gone, I emerged from the hospital traumatized.

Now it took me a while to figure all of this out, but analytical and self-aware person that I am I was fascinated with the process, even though it required releasing these unbearably painful emotions that had been frozen in time, finally freeing me in their release. ¬†I believe that when traumas like this occur and never get worked through, they remain stuck in our bodies causing an energy blockage that can cause illness and disease (dis-ease). (Louise Hay and Dr. Christian Northrup–see Recommended Books.) ¬†Talking through this and releasing the pain and having my husband for a witness, I started feeling like I was finally¬†healing from this ailment that had been chronically stressing me. ¬†Yay! ¬†It was shocking yet exhilarating for these facts about this trauma to be unearthed the way it occurred. ¬†So many unexplained fears that I have had started to make sense to me. ¬†Their origins were from this trauma that had been hidden from my memory my whole life. ¬†It was a post traumatic stress event that now has given way to new understanding of the origins of some of my irrational fears and insecurities. ¬†Now, I feel stronger and less fearful and I am healing those deep insecurities by releasing the pain and having someone witness and validate my feelings–a safe person that I trust completely. ¬†This is the process of inner child healing. ¬†I thought I had worked through all of my previous traumas but it turns out that I had one more vitally important trauma to work through.

At the time I was releasing the pain I felt it would go on forever and that I would never recover. ¬†I very soon felt better though as I released these fears that were from my childhood trauma. Releasing the emotions had to include my memories of clinging to my mother for dear life for years after this event, and my needs for security were not met and my trauma never acknowledged. ¬†She didn’t understand all the attention I gave her, clinging to her in fear like that. ¬†I laid in her lap on car trips and never left her side. ¬†Intuitively gifted even as a child, I took care of her emotional needs so that I would not feel rejected–after my unhealed trauma I couldn’t bear the thought of it, even though, I now understand that¬†I was obedient and good out of extreme fear. ¬†I remember the stories of how she did not send me to kindergarten and a neighbor discovered my age and brightness and made it clear she must send me to school finally. ¬†I feel much gratefulness for that neighbor stepping in. ¬†My memories of how I flourished in those few months in kindergarten and how the teachers built me up and I was proud of myself are the memories I hold onto of my true self persevering and shining through.

If you have had some traumatic incidents like this in your childhood, and most HSPs surely have, I understand your pain. ¬†Writing out what happened and/or talking to a safe person is important. It helps to think back to a memory of a happy time before the age of 5 or 6 (5 or 6 is the age when we usually give up, (if you have a narcissistic parent or an unsupportive or unsafe environment or some trauma), and develop a false self to survive–Alice Miller). ¬†This memory is your true self making itself known to you. Thinking back to that moment can give you strength as to your positive happy potential. ¬†You can recover your true self again if you can see that you didn’t get the validation of your feelings that ¬†you deserved. Then finally release those painful emotions. ¬†The next time you over-react to stress or have a full-blown post traumatic stress episode you can look at it as a healing opportunity. ¬†Learn to recognize and release your painful feelings and then relate them back to the origins of when they occurredthis¬† is how true healing occurs. ¬†Hopefully you can find a counselor or coach who has experience with inner child healing as a safe person to trust with your truth.

I had first remembered my mother’s comment about my early hospitalization with no emotion at all for that experience on the tiny sensitive child that I was. ¬†Now I have much compassion for the pain I experienced and that all infants and toddlers go through in these early childhood hospitalizations without parents present. ¬†Nowadays, doctors know not to keep parents from their children at these young ages when attachment and security is so crucial but back in the 60’s they hadn’t learned this yet. Thank goodness times are better now. ¬†I was encouraged to stay and sleep in the hospital room for several days with my first-born when he had pneumonia when he was 2. ¬†And my second born never left our room after she was born and I gave her first bath. I am grateful to have experienced such compassionate hospital experiences for my own children.

This ailment that I mentioned is still causing me stress even though it is beginning to heal. ¬†I won’t go into detail about it except that it is chronic pain, slow to heal, and it has become clear to me that it requires more of my attention, more rest, and I must make some adjustments in my activities. ¬†So unfortunately I must take a temporary leave of absence from this blog. ūüė¶ ¬†You might call it a sabbatical because I am determined to return stronger than ever and with even more wisdom and insight to share. It is my hope that during this time you will support and answer each others comments since I will be unable to do so. ¬†This has already been happening by some regular commenters, which has been wonderful to see–when you reach out and support someone else who is hurting, the good feeling that you receive from helping others is exhilarating and wonderful. ¬†I hope that you will try it out and see what I mean. ūüôā

Warmest wishes and love to you all,

Roxanne

The Process of Inner Child Healing and a Poem of Hope for Highly Sensitive Survivors

Hello everyone. ¬†Whenever I write a new post, I “tune in” to you, my readers, and write from my heart. ¬†Sometimes I plan what I am going to write and other times I write something entirely different from¬†what I had planned. ¬†At the beginning I used to worry, “how can I top that last post”, but now I just trust in the process and I know that what I write will turn out all right.

It is wonderful to feel such confidence. It is such a contrast to how I used to feel years ago before I gained access to the truth of who I am. ¬†It was “self-doubt”–a looming horrible anxious feeling of dread and guilt…or more often a feeling of numbness and compulsions to avoid feelings by keeping busy with tasks that I felt I “should” be doing. ¬†I had no access to my truth–I had hidden away my truth to protect myself from the unbearable pain that I experienced as a child.

Through my journaling I discovered a process that helped me to heal more than anything else I tried–it was writing out my pain from my inner child’s point of view. ¬†I knew from all of my reading and training in psychology that blocks happen in childhood–and I had been encouraged by two helpful counselors to continue to write out my feelings in order to uncover them (I had been writing poems about my feelings since the age of 14).

Writing from my inner child’s perspective just kind of naturally happened and I found it to be the most powerful healing tool in my own recovery. ¬†I discovered “her” voice by writing out “her” pain and then I had no choice but to feel compassion for what “she” went through and over time “she” became clearly “Me”! ¬†And as I began trusting in this process of trusting “her” view of what had happened to me I began trusting my self. ¬†My inner dialogue then gradually changed from critical to compassionate. ¬†I remember that I started feeling emotions that had previously been repressed and could then label them.

I was excited about this process. ¬†For example, I’d be at the grocery store and suddenly become aware of a feeling such as shame and say to myself , “this feeling is really familiar but I never knew until now that it is “shame”. ¬†Wow this is shame from my childhood coming up.” ¬†I realized I was feeling these feelings for the first time since I had hidden them away in childhood. ¬†Rather then get caught up in them I was able to observe them and acknowledge them and release them. ¬†I would often go right away and write in my journal about the origins of these painful feelings. ¬†Repressed memories would often come back to me during these times. ¬†It wasn’t always so simple–sometimes I would unconsciously drag my husband into a drama only to discover I was replaying a trauma from childhood so that I could finally voice my feelings of anger, grief, or fear to my envisioned N parent. ¬†My knowledge of what was happening luckily allowed me to be aware of the process of healing–I would quickly reassure my husband what was happening so that he could then support the release of my feelings as a supportive witness without feeling blamed in any way. ¬†Seeing me recover my feelings in such a way and feel relief helped my husband to understand this healing process as well and he began processing his childhood pain in a similar way (he had a Narcissistic parent too).

I am planning to put together a book in which I include the best of my healing writings directly from my journals that show this process of healing first hand from age 18 to the present. ¬†Although it will be very personal I am hoping that it will help others to heal and develop compassion for their inner child and what they went through if they are unable to write out their feelings in such a way that I was able–I consider it a gift that I was able to do this and I am grateful to have such a vivid memoir of my recovery. ¬†I believe this gift of writing I have been given is another way that I can¬†help other highly sensitive souls to recover and to help them to feel relief from the inner prison of emotional abuse by a Narcissistic parent. ¬†Please let me know if you would be interested in reading such a book.

Recently I wrote the following poem when I “tuned in” to you, my readers and fellow highly sensitive survivors. ¬†I was planning to save it for my book but I have decided to share it with you now instead to show an example one of the kinds of writings that will be included. ¬†Here it is:

Poem of Hope and Healing for the Highly Sensitive Survivor

By Roxanne E. Smith

March 22, 2011

Pain so deep, I can’t see the light

I know it’s there but it’s not very bright

The sadness is thick, despair all around

I envision a child giving up with no sound

Pain so deep, I hide all my hope

Afraid to come out, I feel like a dope

Worthless and horrible, don’t ever try

The pain is unbearable, can’t even cry

I can’t feel the love, I need it so bad!

So much fear without it, it’s really so sad!’

I am feeling much better just admitting this truth

You have to have love when you’re in your youth!

Without love you can’t heal all the hurts that come by

When bad things do happen we need love when we cry

Someone has to hold us and give us new hope

If there’s no one for comfort than there’s no way to cope

No wonder I hid my talents away

When I would do well then I was their prey

The taunting, the teasing, “Who do you think you are?”

Shame became my deepest scar

But who was this child all hidden in shame

An innocent victim who will never be the same?

She thinks she is nothing but she is so wrong

The truth is she’s beautiful, wise, and so strong

Scoop up that child all broken and battered

Love her and hug her and tell her she matters

She’s awesome and wonderful, they were so wrong

Talented, creative , and smart all along

Sensitive soul you were so beaten down

But you figured it out and now you can leave town

You’re safe now and free–no more bullies outside

Shine your light, spread your wings, don’t believe all the lies

Be kind to yourself when the pain comes back ’round

Love yourself through it, your true self is found

You know the truth and now you can be free

Fear is from “them”–in the past, don’t you see?

Relax into the pain and it will dissipate

Because the pain is from lies and it’s never too late!

To believe in yourself and your talents and dreams

You are good at compassion and so many things

They did not want you to succeed with your gifts

So they made you give up and they threatened with fists

You were small so you gave up but now you are grown

You can heal all the pain and make it now on your own

You can do it!–the words¬†you’ve long waited to hear

Say them to your self!  And say NO to the fear!

Give them back all the bad feelings that they gave to you

Imagine this energy going outward from you

Then let in the light and the love from a place

Where angels don’t want you to live in disgrace

You know what love is because you give it so freely

To others who need it when they’re feeling needy

Give to your self all this love all the time!

You will find your true purpose and all will be fine

These lessons are so hard that we learn from our pain

But we discover our strengths again and again

So sensitive souls who survived from abuse

Your gifts are so needed to be put to good use

I know how you feel and I hope you feel better

Because we can overcome it if we do it together!

I hope that this poem has helped you to feel loved

You are!–and I send it to you from above!

I understand and I want to comfort your pain

I hope this is helpful.  Love, Roxanne Elaine

The Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and The Body–An Awakening To the Importance of Listening To It and Core Strength

Hi everyone.¬† I am back and writing again. Yay!¬† I hope you are enjoying the beauty of this spring season and all the brilliantly colorful flowers. Thank you to those who commented or emailed me such wonderful wishes.¬† It was quite a traumatic ordeal for me but I believe there are lessons in all things that happen to us–especially the painful things.

As a highly sensitive child, I have always been sensitive to pain and felt my pain more acutely than others–both physically and emotionally. I have childhood wounds related to how I was cared for during illnesses and also a hospitalization as a toddler. ¬† Being “laid up” as I have been the last few weeks has broken open many of those wounds so that I could remember, reframe them with the truth of who I was, and finally grieve, release and heal the repressed emotions.

I had always had a hard time when I was sick–I would beat myself up, blaming myself for causing it–always finding it difficult to rest in order to heal–sometimes even prolonging my illnesses because of the stress I added to the illness.¬† I discovered this 2 years ago when I had 2 bad viruses back to back.¬† I had to face up to the fact that I had to change how I pushed my body too far and was terrible at resting and relaxing.¬† Things like this always have their foundations formed in childhood.¬† My husband could see the patterns I couldn’t see as clearly.¬† “Don’t be so hard on yourself,¬†relax and let your body heal¬†“, he would always say.¬† “Take it easy, don’t do anything today but rest.” It helped but as soon as I recovered I’d go back to my bad habits of not listening to my body.

If you’ve read my post from June 15, 2010 on HSPs and allergies and stress-related illness you know that I am recovering nicely from adrenal fatigue. Developing stronger boundaries has definitely helped reduce the negative energy in my life and the “fight-or-flight” responses to stress that I had a pattern of.¬† When your body reacts to stress with a fight-or-flight reaction you have increased cortisol (the stress hormone) in your body in the form of adrenaline.¬† This is an “extreme fear” reaction that I believe many HSPs with ¬†childhood wounds do not even realize they are experiencing because it is combined with the numbing or anesthetic effect that goes along with the adrenaline rush.¬† What I now have learned is that even positive events in life can trigger this fight-or-flight response if you had the daily trauma in your childhood.

It’s like post traumatic stress in a way–any event, positive or negative,¬† can open the wound and the internalized belief ¬†“I am not good enough as I am, I¬†must work extra hard to be perfect to be¬†loved”.¬† These are the roots of the compulsions of perfectionism, workaholism, burnout, and exhaustion etc.¬† It is automatic and unconscious until we become aware of it, give voice to it,¬†¬†and then can reassure ourselves and calm and slow ourselves down.¬†Sometimes it takes an accident, illness,¬†or an injury for us to awaken to the knowledge of:¬† “this pattern has to change–I am hurting myself by¬†doing this!”¬†

For me it was the event of both my children coming home.¬† My 24-year-old son who lives 3 hours away and I hadn’t seen since Christmas was coming home for 4 days at Easter.¬† And my 20-year-old daughter was coming home from her semester studying abroad in Australia 2 days after Easter. I overdid it!¬† I was drained and exhausted but still so excited by the end of Easter evening–my low back/hip was aching but I ignored it. My son left after a wonderful visit but my daughter would be home in 2 days.¬† I ignored my hip pain and exhaustion and just had¬†to go to the grocery to get her favorite foods, just had to go to the party store to buy welcome home decorations and balloons, just had to clean up her room and get it ready for her, just had to hang up the banners and reach and stretch to hang lots of streamers in the main area of the house. All that stretching and twisting was way too much for my already injured sacroiliac joint! (I had moved boxes out of my son’s room to prepare for his visit).¬† I thought I just needed a chiropractic adjustment and I’d be good as new–but I was continually injuring the ligaments to my sacroiliac joint!¬† I didn’t listen to my body–it was begging me to stop, begging me to rest, “all this isn’t necessary, don’t do it” my intuition whispered to me. But “I have to” was a louder voice. ¬†I now realize my childhood fear of “not being good enough as I am” was playing out my trauma from the past into the present.

I did cut back on some things I had planned to do and rested with heat and ice¬†packs for 3 hours before we picked up my daughter at the airport–but it was too late!¬† The damage was done!¬† And as the adrenaline wore off and my daughter settled into our home with “Mom, you shouldn’t have!”, she ended up being so right!¬† I shouldn’t have!¬† And I will never forget this painful lesson of ignoring pain in my body again.¬† (I ended up in the ER with excruciating pain 1 and 1/2 days later–see my last post for more info.)

Nothing like this has ever happened to me before.¬† Besides adrenal fatigue, I have never had anything chronic and this was chronic excruciating pain. I thought I had discovered a healthy alternative to exercise with my specific carbohydrate diet that was and is the perfect solution for my highly sensitive digestive system.¬† Avoiding complex carbohydrates and sugar gave me more energy and kept my weight down.¬† So I fooled myself into believing I didn’t need to exercise.¬† (I tried exercising occasionally with fits and starts but the¬†pain always made me quit–I now see there was emotional pain from my childhood tied into “getting stronger”. ¬†I learned that often childhood wounds related to our bodies can have complex origins. Hsps can feel shamed with looks of disgust or disapproval when expressing themselves joyfully through their bodies–dancing, running, and¬†playing can be seen as threats to a N parent who need their hsp children to stay dependent and near and “take care of them forever”. ¬†This may be an unconscious act on the part of the N parent–The mixed message of “grow up”/”don’t grow up and leave me” leaves many HSPs to feel guilt about growing strong and competent and enjoying having strong bodies. HSPs can sense this message even though the parent may be completely unaware that they are projecting this onto their child.

Now I am told that if I’d had more core strength and the overall strength and stamina that only exercise can provide I could have avoided this injury.¬† With weak core muscles I put strain on the ligaments related to my sacroilliac (SI)¬†joint and injured the ligaments severely.¬†Sprained ligaments like I have takes 4-6 weeks to heal.¬† And you must be very careful not to reinjure them by doing too much too soon–I read that if you reinjure certain SI areas 4 or more times, you could end up with chronic pain there for the rest of your life!

And this week I did have a setback.¬† 3 weeks in I was doing well and was finally able to pick things up off of the floor and drive etc. but I must have done too much and remember one sudden jolt that retriggered my pain and set my progress back a whole week!¬† Ugh!…back on the couch just when the pain was beginning to lessen. ¬†But I learned from it and am now even more careful¬†and even more grateful for the activities I took for granted before.

As bad as it sounds, this traumatic experience has changed my life for the better.  I learned:

1.  I avoided exercise because of the pain it caused me but that is nothing compared to the pain of being immobile and unable to function normally and perform the simplest of tasks like putting on ones own socks!

2.¬† I must commit to regular exercise as soon as possible after I heal.¬† My plan is to start walking and doing core strengthening daily and then I am going to do Pilates or yoga and join jazzercise again.¬† I loved Jazzercise classes in my 20’s and 30’s–I had¬†stopped in 1999 when it became too fatiguing and painful¬†for me (I didn’t know then that I already had symptoms of adrenal fatigue).¬† The adrenal fatigue is now better so I should be able to get back into it if I am very gradual and process the emotions as they come up.

3.¬† I must get in shape and get core strength for the first time in my life and stay that way!¬† I hope to get up to doing Jazzercise¬† 3 times a week. Also I plan to do lots of hiking and biking with my husband which he loves to do but has always done without me because….well… honestly…¬†I couldn’t keep up.¬† My body has now taken a front seat in my life–I am sorry I didn’t listen to it sooner!¬† Fear of this pain returning is a great motivator–muscle soreness is nothing compared to the intense chronic pain and the pain of being immobile and dependent on others for everything.

4.¬† I am too young for this kind of injury–I am only 49. Now my body has caught up to the “new beginning journey” that my heart and mind were already on!¬† And so for this wake up call I say, Thank you, Universe, for all that it taught me!!!

Wishing all of you love and kindness to your spirit, mind, and BODY!!

With love,

Roxanne

Honor Thy Parents Only If They Are Honorable–Support for Highly Sensitive Survivors at Easter

Hi everyone.¬† April is almost here and as highly sensitive survivors you may be experiencing what can only be described as Easter Guilt.¬† Easter is a family time, when families get together and celebrate God and Jesus and hsps often contemplate very reason for being on the planet.¬† Even for the non-religious, Easter causes many to deeply evaluate our true purpose and our humanity.¬† It is similar to the Christmas holiday when we look at our lives and say to ourselves¬†“Today I SHOULD be happy!¬† Where is my happy extended family that loves and supports me!”

Depending on where you are in your recovery from narcissistic abuse or childhood wounds, you may have started your own new Easter traditions with yourselves or with your own children which are more loving and focused on¬†celebrating Spring, the miracle of nature and new life, and appreciating the ability to renew yourselves by being more loving–you remind yourselves, your children, or new-found friends¬†that God loves you as you are, unconditionally.

Still, the Easters of your childhood may hold onto your hearts this time of year.  You may still unconsciously hold down the pain of Easter family get-togethers filled with religious abuse and guilt-inducement, or the pain of no celebrations at all at a time when other families and children seemed to be so happy and loved and celebrating.  Holidays such as this can surface feelings of deep loneliness as you realize you are separated from your true selves and true potential because you may have had to manufacture a self that was pleasing to your narcissistic parent, a false self that was superficial and not at all the rich, deep, complex personality that you still feel ashamed to completely step into.  You may want so badly to be good, kind, fair, and right with God so you may feel guilt not honoring the commandment that tells you to Honor Thy Father and Mother.

As part of your recovery from childhood wounds, you may want to include reading Alice Miller’s book, The Body Never Lies. ¬†I want to share with you a¬† review of this book that I found on her website in order to support those of you who still struggle with guilt if you happen to be needing to enforce No Contact in order to heal from your childhood wounds:

“Norm Lee, May 2, 2005

Of Moms and Moses A Review of Alice Miller’s book, THE BODY NEVER LIES: The Lingering Effects of Cruel Parenting

….¬† We have to break free of our (internalized) parents’ grip on us, that of the biblical injunction, “Honor (obey, worship,) thy father and thy mother.” Until then we, in a sense, feel and behave and think like the little children we once were; we cannot grow up. Worse, because as children we weren’t accepted and loved for who we were, parents repeatedly punished us in attempts to force us into the imaginary mold they had prepared for us, i.e., what a child should be. Dr. Miller’s message is that our bodies bear a detailed record of every childhood hurt and humiliation inflicted, every spank and slap, insult and indignity. And until or if those internal, psychic wounds remain unhealed, we can expect to continue to pay the terrible price in physical illnesses. Powerless to do otherwise, we suppressed our true and good authentic selves to win the love our emotional survival depended on.

Dr. Miller writes with astonishing and penetrating truth about the connections between childhood suffering at the hands of parents, and the physical consequences of obedience to the Fourth Commandment. The Biblical law, “Honor thy father and thy mother” is here challenged as the source of widespread – even universal – life-long suffering. As children we attempted to free ourselves from our feelings of fear, insecurity and confusion thru repression and dissociation/self-alienation. Whatever the cost (abandonment of our true selves), we persisted in loving and trusting our parents (we hardly had a choice) and strived to earn their approval, (and (thus) to please the Greater Parent in the Sky.)

Today, what stands between our bodies and the healing of those injuries is the hold the Fourth Commandment has on our minds. As we live and breathe, the fear of parental rejection/punishment lurks within that fear. It has to be brought to consciousness and examined before healing can take place. We walk carrying a sack full of personal history, the burden of wounds inflicted by all the punishment and indignities that have ever happened to us. Until we heal those internal wounds, we daily pay a terrible price in suffering, much of it physical illness, and make others pay as well. Those others are most often our own children. The claim so often heard, “I got spanked and I turned out OK,” cannot be upheld when it is understood how the denial of physical and emotional injuries are connected to present illnesses.

“….¬† Dr. Miller repeatedly emphasizes the tragic effects, in the form of physical ailments, of the body’s life-long yearning for parental love and affection. She touches on the way this suppression is expressed in religion: the command to love God, on pain of punishment when we fail to do so; the absurdity of inventing a parent-like creator, perfect and omnipotent, who craves our love. It is an odd god, an immensely dependent god, a Big Daddy who, if given the love demanded, will reward with an eternity in blissful heaven. (And the teenage suicide bombers of the Middle East are promised the bonus of 72 virgins to sweeten the deal.) Inasmuch as the Great Father is not loved, even worshipped, the alternative is agonizing punishment from now to the “end” of eternity.

We have to liberate ourselves from the propaganda imposed on us – and enforced on us on pain of punishment – by conventional morality. This book calls for a higher morality, as it applies to parenthood. We cannot truly love our parents, she asserts, until we are liberated from the infantile attachment, the idolatry, that trapped us in childhood.

Dr. Miller wants the reader to understand and accept that parents who abused us do not deserve our love and honor, regardless of a Moses-imposed commandment to do so. As we all must know, love is one thing that cannot be enforced. Like Sgt. Joe Friday, the body, in its wisdom, rejects illusions. It accepts only the facts, as higher morality is inherent not in the mind, but in our bodies. She takes to task all those friends and relatives and preachers and therapists who say, “Forgive your mother, forgive your father; they did the best they knew how. She changed your diapers, he sacrificed for you, and above all they loved you.” Miller will not hear it: forgiveness is a crock and a trap, laid to continue the dependency, and preserve the hope, that somehow, sometime, we will finally bask in the love that was so long ago denied us. Reading Alice is like hearing someone whisper, “I know the secret you are hiding in your past, the feelings of hurt and fright and shame and humiliation at the abusive treatment you suffered at the hands of your parents. And I’m asking you – urging you, challenging you – to come out of that dark closet and face up to it.”

In the valley where I live, the #1 fear at whatever age is parental punishment. And among adults, it’s primary defense is Denial. Behind the denial of childhood mistreatment lies the fear of punishment, therefore acknowledgement or recognition of it in adulthood can approach terror. But the price for denial is paid in physical as well as mental illness. When aware of it we see it everywhere: the suffering in the bodies and minds of strangers and of those dear to us. But we must begin with ourselves, confronting the punishing parent within.”

As supportive as this information is, I know how difficult it is to step away from your abusive family ties and go it alone and start a new emotionally healthier life so that you can heal and get stronger.¬† You need support for such drastic actions and I offer you that support through my posts,¬†articles, poems, songs and lyrics, my coaching, and a community here with many comments on my website that I hope lovingly states, “you are not alone, you are in the company of a community of survivors that is growing in number as they dare to come out of their darkness and speak the truth of what happened to them as children!”¬†

As highly sensitive people (HSPs) you have many gifts to offer that are lacking in many of the people around you.  Celebrate your differentness, celebrate YOU this Easter and open up to the love that exists from God and from other HSPs like yourself.  I believe we HSPs are gifted with compassion and an ability to love deeper so that we can help each other through the negativity and dark energies that do exist around us.

Love to you this Easter season, may you realize your shining light inside of you and shine it on your children, spouse, friends, and especially your self!  You deserve a wonderful Easter!  

With Love,

Roxanne

 

 

Stress Relief For Highly Sensitive People (HSPs)

Hi everyone. We made it through the harsh weather of February.  Yay!  March has visions of early flowers budding up through the ground, warmer temperatures, and hopefully a lot less snow and storms.  It was beautiful and fun at first, but here in the midwestern United States, the continuous snow and storms soon started to wear on us all.  Now we can breath a sigh of relief as the temperatures gradually rise and we can get out and about easier and with less stress.

Stress relief is so important to highly sensitive souls who survived the stressful conditions of having a narcissistic parent or other childhood wounds. ¬†They may¬†have¬†stressed-out bodies and wounded hearts and they need to learn how to relieve stress in our lives. ¬†They have been controlled by guilt and compulsively take care of the needs of others instead of themselves. ¬†They often feel guilty even thinking about putting themselves first.¬† But in order to truly have something real to give others, a real human emotional connection, they¬†HAVE to make themselves and their healing a priority.¬† This really begins with giving themselves permission to reduce the stress in their lives. ¬†They may be so used to stress in their life, that they don’t even recognize it as stress. ¬†Do you relate? Here are some examples:

1) Do you have long lists of SHOULDS in your life that you really don’t enjoy doing?¬† Perhaps you even have a large house and yard to take care of and it never occurred to you that you would be happier in a smaller place with less chores to do on daily basis.

2) Do you have relationships in your life that drain you rather than help you to feel good about yourself?  Do you have friendships with people who do not see your sensitivity as a uniqueness about you that makes you special, but instead make you feel like they put up with you and are willing to work around the nuisance it causes them that you are different?  For example, food  and seasonal allergies, needing more time alone, and frequent breaks from stressful work are not things you should be made to feel guilty about.  These are things that, when tended to with care, help reduce your stress level from the busy lives we are thrust into, and give you more time and energy for the things that you deep down really desire to do with your life!

3) Do you find comfort in collecting THINGS that fill your time and fill up your house, but then you are overwhelmed because of the time it takes to maintain the care of these collectibles and things that you just had to have?¬† Clutter can be draining to highly sensitive people.¬† You may be¬†beginning to be aware that a shift in your feelings about material things in your life is starting to happen.¬† Does the phrase Less is More help you to realize that when we get rid of things in our lives that we don’t really need, then we have more room to relax and just be our true selves in the space around us?

When you empty a room, do you ever notice how your kids get excited and start to dance around and do cartwheels?¬† Self-expression happens when we are not cluttered by unnecessary material things!¬† It is difficult to get started sometimes because as highly sensitive people we often have deep emotional attachments to things that have been in our lives a long time.¬† I solved this problem for myself by taking pictures of things before I get rid of them. ¬†Also, allow yourself to feel and grieve the thought of the loss of the item before you actually get rid of it. ¬†Sometimes it is helpful to set items aside in an out of the way place and wait a week or a month or whatever you need and ask yourself if you really miss the item–you may be surprised that you are now ready to let it go or you have completely forgotten about it and then it is easier to give it to Goodwill or someone who will get some use out of the item.

As highly sensitive people, reducing stress put upon us by the SHOULDS instilled from childhood and less sensitive others can make a big difference in the quality of our lives.¬† You deserve to live the life that you envision for yourself and not someone else’s¬†vision of what almost everyone else seems to be doing to be happy.¬† The key to happiness for hsps in listening to your own unique guidance from within.¬†Often it is only through the quiet of being alone that we can hear the truth of our inner needs and desires.¬† Listen.¬† Listen to your heart and not to what your chattering mind is saying.¬† You can find inner peace and joy in your life if you can find ways to begin to really¬†relax and enjoy YOUR life.¬† Noone else can know what is right for you but you.

With Love,

Roxanne

The Connection To Learned Helplessness in Highly Sensitive People (HSPs)

Updated March 2016

Hi everyone.¬† Today I want to write about a subject that¬†many of my clients and readers can relate to as Highly Sensitive People. ¬†It is something called Learned Helplessness.¬† Learned Helplessness is that feeling of powerlessness that we all feel at times, and for¬†some of us it is more pervasive and all encompassing than for others.¬† There is much hope in talking about it because if you can understand the roots of this feeling, you can understand that it is “learned” behavior and that you can become aware of it when it hits you and¬†ultimately heal from it completely.

I first heard about Learned Helplessness in my introductory psychology class in college. ¬†And you probably have heard the story as well–the story of Pavlov’s dog.¬†Pavlov used a dog¬†in an experiment in human behavior to demonstrate the result of conditioning.¬†I can’t recall the exact details except that¬†the dog was given rewards or withheld the rewards and the resulting behavior of the dog was recorded and studied. There were other dog experiments by a psychologist named Seligman in which he shocked sets of dogs to demonstrate learned behavior and conditioning and punishment.

The main thing I remember vividly about the whole thing was that at the end of the Seligman experiments, the dogs were shocked¬†repeatedly both when they completed a task correctly and also when they did not.¬† The¬†poor dogs were¬†so confused¬†that they layed down depressed¬†and GAVE UP and even whined–and this was Learned Helplessness that the dogs were experiencing.¬† I still remember learning about this¬†vividly because I felt¬†SO bad for these dogs–I was empathizing and upset beyond what the average person reading this would¬†expect to be.

At that time in college I did not have the insight or self-awareness yet to realize it was because I resonated so much personally with how the dogs were treated. As a highly sensitive, empathetic person I knew just how those dogs must have felt and I related to them giving up and laying down, hopeless, and helpless, in fear, and self-doubt.¬† Those dogs were experiencing the same damned-if-you-do-and-damned-if-you-don’t no-win situation that those who were bullied consistently (or even neglected or controlled) by a caretaker or narcissistic or controlling parent were¬†subjected to day in and day out as children. ¬†Years later I remember talking to a counselor about this, knowing just how a dog in those experiments must have¬†felt and it helped the counselor have a picture of the frustration, fear, desperation, loneliness, despair, hopelessness, and helplessness.

After I voiced this to the counselor, I was able to picture myself as a small child with the same compassion I had for such a dog and finally realized that I deserved so much more.¬† The roots of my anxiety were then exposed–no wonder I felt anxious all the time, no wonder I was a perfectionist and afraid to disappoint anyone, no wonder I didn’t know how to relax, no wonder I had no access to my own dreams and desires and was filled with self-doubts and negative messages in my head. ¬†It helped to talk to someone about how I felt what I experienced could compare to the treatment of those dogs–the feeling of not being given consistent love and support and feeling rewarded only if obedient and punished with emotional rejection if not.

My life coaching experiences and studies have taught me the following in regards to those highly sensitive people with a narcissistic parent: ¬†The Scapegoat child of a N parent can very much relate to this constant punishment and criticism.¬† But the Golden Child (GC) can relate as well because they are often¬†the obedient¬†one who needs desperately some kind of loving approval¬†and, out of fear, becomes¬†what the parent or ¬†wants for them to become.¬† Outwardly to others it may appear as if the GC has it all–the love, attention and admiration of the Narcissistic parent.¬† But inside there is so much emptiness and pain, an absence of the knowledge of self and true feelings–feelings that had to be hidden away because they were too painful to bear.¬† The false self is developed and honed in, the GC knows exactly how their N parent feels even before they do. ¬†The GC develops a radar that helps them to survive the lack of love and support–and they develop an illusion that they are the ones at¬†fault if, even with their best efforts, they fail to win the acceptance of the N parent. ¬†They blame themselves and have very low self-esteem, crushed by criticism, holding relationships at arms length so no one will get too close and cause them further pain.

The roots of co-dependence are also¬†linked to this learned helplessness–victims of such abuse telling themselves that¬†there must be something wrong with them and that they are deeply flawed and it usually goes in one of two ways–either they decide they need to find another person to love them and take care of them and then they will be happy (co-dependence) or they become a porcupine not letting anyone one else near, lashing out at anyone who suspects that they just might have some insecurities underneath their outwardly¬†successful yet workaholic exterior shell. People who suffer from panic attacks and even agoraphobia often have learned helplessness from childhood as a root cause as well.

“What can a person do?” you may be asking if you relate to what I am describing.¬† Plenty!¬† Just being aware and believing that this happened to you as a child is the first step. Just as you have compassion for the dogs in the experiments, you need to develop this same compassion for yourself and make a decision to stop being so hard on yourself.¬† Make a decision to be kind to yourself every time you are feeling bad–it is almost always childhood pain coming up to tell you the truth of what really happened to you.¬† Become aware that the negative messages in your head were put there by someone else and that you did not deserve them.¬† Change them to positive messages.¬† Write in a journal all the things you were good at as a child and never given credit for.¬† Writing out the truth is powerful and go back and read it often to remind yourself.

It takes time so be patient with yourself.  Taking baby steps in the direction of healing is wise because there is pain to work through and release but you can do it!  You have many gifts and talents that have never been acknowledged yet and only you can bring them out from their repressed state of Learned Helplessness.

Whether you were the scapegoat in your family or the obedient golden child, you can heal from the trauma of Learned Helplessness.¬† Often people who experience post traumatic stress from an abusive childhood fall into this state of learned helplessness when their wounds are triggered.¬† It can feel like an inability to function, a numbness–but sometimes the feelings along with that are a mix of rage and despair.

If you have lashed out at loved ones with an intensity beyond what is appropriate¬†then you probably were a victim of a person that controlled you in an abusive way far far too much with no remorse.¬†If you were extremely sensitive (extremely emotionally gifted ūüôā ), just a mean look from his/her eyes could cause a traumatic reaction in you as a child and the fear may have felt like a spear through your heart.¬†¬†The rage and despair you feel is understandable and appropriate but needs to be directed, voiced,¬†and released at the person that did¬†this too you in a journal, letter that won’t be sent, and/or perhaps even read outloud with a safe witness friend, counselor, or coach present¬†(never to them or to their face) .¬† You will find¬†a sense of relief each time¬†you release some of this truth and the light inside of you will become brighter and brighter and you will feel lighter and lighter. You will begin to experience the essence of your true self and the vitality you deserve.¬† This is the process¬†of healing. Don’t hold onto the anger and resentment that comes up but release it completely each time, visualizing the negative emotions going up to heaven or into the earth,whichever appeals most, to be healed by love and light–Imagine love and light coming to you as well to replace these negative emotions each time to center yourself again to a peaceful state.

Why did you experience learned helplessness while your siblings did not?¬†¬†Perhaps you had the gift of high sensitivity and along with that the knowledge and expectation of a higher level of love.¬† And when you did not receive this love that you innately knew existed, you had no choice but to blame yourself because…it made no sense to you.¬† Your siblings possibly just got mad at your parents and rebelled–they may have had no higher vision of a loving existence so it didn’t feel as traumatic to them.

So you see, the cure and the answer to all of your self-doubt and learned helplessness is LOVE.¬† Love yourself as you¬†deserved to be loved and give yourself the love that you so easily give to others because that is your gift.¬† Compassion and love for yourself will help you overcome all of the many symptoms of Learned Helplessness just as consistent love and affection and kindness would help Seligman’s abused dogs to learn to trust people and trust themselves again.¬† I hope my words have been helpful to you.

With love,

Roxanne

Holiday Survival Tips–An HSPs Recovery From Artistic and Creative Self-doubt

Hi everyone.¬† It’s November!and there’s a briskness in the air and the awareness of the holidays approaching.¬† For many highly sensitive survivors that comes with¬†a bitter-sweet feeling–of light and love¬†from God above (the true reason for the season) mixed with the grief of a lost childhood and sad or painful holiday memories of being misunderstood and diminished.¬† Or it can be an overwhelming feeling of dread on some days for many reasons related to your present relationship with your some bullies in your life, and on other days of stress–being caught up in the busy-ness of getting ready for the big days ahead for your loved ones–often too busy to feel anything at all.

Depending on where you are in your recovery, it is normal for you to be feeling all of these different ways.¬† Be kind to yourself no matter how you are feeling and please try to slow down, breathe deeply and take self-care breaks–stop and be aware of the negative messages in your head and change them to kind words that you deserved as a child such as:¬† Everything is going to be all right,¬† You are doing a good job,¬† It’s okay to make mistakes,¬† You are special, deep,¬†and a rare gift to this planet.

Affirmations you can say to yourself are: ¬†I love and approve of myself, I am safe, and, my favorite, I¬†give myself permission to be the best that I can be.¬†This last one is helpful especially because¬†often others may have been threatened and jealous of your gifts and so, sensing this, because you were highly sensitive and empathic, you protected them by hiding your gifts away so they would¬†feel better.¬† Giving yourself permission to be the best that you can be can be so empowering and satisfying–like suddenly realizing, “Oh, wow, I don’t have to protect anyone anymore and I can just relax and be awesome!”¬† Many of you feel guilty for everything even for your¬†own creative and artistic gifts!¬†A caretaker from childhood may have caused you to feel shame for expressing them. ¬†Please take your gifts out of hiding and take a good look at the truth of the gifts and talents that you brought with you to this planet.¬† They are your gifts and yours alone and you deserve to enjoy and feel good about them and share them with others!

With love,

Roxanne

For more about overcoming creative self-doubt please read my post from January 28, 2010 On Overcoming Self-doubt–The Story Behind My Songs Of Hope and Healing.¬†

 

  

Journaling for Joy and Finding My True Voice In A Poem

Hello to all of you sensitive souls.¬† I hope you are enjoying this beautiful week of Indian Summer we are having. The news says that most of the U.S. is experiencing gorgeous mild temperatures and colorful changing leaves right now.¬† It is definitely my favorite time of the year and it feels like such a gift from above now that I can relax and take it in and be in the moment and fully appreciate it.¬† As many of you who follow my blog already know, it wasn’t always this way for me.¬† I used to be numb to my feelings, keeping too busy to feel, compelled to be a people-pleaser and a perfectionist, and full of self-doubt and anxiety.

There are many facets to my journey to finding my voice as a person, many of which I describe on my blog so that I might inspire other highly¬†sensitive people (HSPs) to believe in their dreams.¬† Writing out my feelings in a journal has been one of these many facets that contributed to my awakening to my true spirit which was hiding inside.¬†I have been writing poetry in a journal since the age of 14, but it wasn’t until about 2002 that I set out to to try to do Julia Cameron’s morning pages (3 pages of free writing every day) which turned out to¬†be extremely therapeutic “inner grief work” that took place¬†over a period of 5 years.¬† It was during this period that I wrote about the feeling that I was “growing a backbone” and this felt very miraculous indeed.¬† I knew I was finding my voice finally and it had been hidden away in fear for so long.¬† I was writing songs and poetry and it never really occurred to me to seriously share them with others until one day when an extra special one poured out of me.¬† When I wrote this poem, it dawned on me that I had been transformed and now, finally, I could reach out¬†and help others–something I had always wanted to do but I always felt I had to figure myself out first.¬† I had a new found sense of self and there was no going back.¬† I am very happy to be sharing¬†it with you today.

After I wrote this poem, I¬†got the idea to write a book sharing many of my poems and my growth along the way to finding my voice and that this poem would be the final one in the book–a finale of sorts.¬† However, since then I have written even more special poems and songs so I have decided to go ahead and share a shortened version of it here in my blog.¬†(I haven’t written my book yet but I plan to start it in the near future.)¬† This very special poem is entitled, “Joy, Our Birthright, Waiting There”.¬† I want to explain that I wrote this with my children in mind– when I say “and I was never there for you the way I thought I was, it’s true”.¬†¬†What this means is when I went through growth and¬†gradually had¬†more access to my true self, then I couldn’t help but feel regret about the past when I had been doing my best but I was not able to be my strong confident¬†true self yet.¬† When I expressed this regret to my children expecting them¬†to agree and feel relief¬†and tell me it had been hard for them, they both instead said they always felt I was always emotionally available to them and it meant a lot to them that I always apologized to them whenever I made emotional mistakes and they felt fully validated at each step along the way in their upbringing.¬†For this I feel extremely grateful because nothing has¬†ever been more important to me than my children feeling good about themselves and their unique gifts and breaking the cycle of dysfunction that my husband and I experienced as children.¬† Still…I can’t help but wish I knew then what I know now….

So here it is:

Joy, Our Birthright, Waiting There

By Roxanne Smith

Feb 21, 2007

Telling someone helped me heal

All the pain inside was real

No wonder I had been so tired

My whole heart had been so mired

So much grief to lead the way

Let it out, so much to say

I was never there for you

The way I thought I was, it’s true

Because I was empty ‚Äď none to give

Alive but I just now learned to live

Soulful is the proper word

I have ‚Äúme‚ÄĚ ‚Äď it sounds absurd

Let your painful feelings out

You can’t be whole and live without

Expression of unfairness do

Your soul will help you live anew

And learn compassion for your self

Don’t put feelings on a shelf

Any doubt is harmful thought

The truth is–look how far you got!

Negativity and blocks

To true self and joyful shocks

Being blamed can stunt our growth

Fear of feelings: anger, both

Also fearing joy and bliss

Pain comes up and we all miss

The connection to our rightful heir

Joy, our birthright, waiting there!

Love is what we all deserve

Joy it feels when then observed

Share it then and it comes back

Filling up the past we lacked

Helping others heal their wounds

Nothing like it ‚Äď glowing moons

Stars are twinkling, warming sun

Nature loves us one by one

Let the love come down on you

It is there don’t block the view

Doubts of self will keep it blocked

You must trust your soul’l be rocked!

With this truth I’m trying to tell

Creative soul fear-blocked is hell

Heaven is a word away

Love is here please let it stay

You deserve its welcome home

Inside you it does belong

Love yourself I’m trying to say

God is trying ‚Äď just light the way

Ask him to comfort your soul

Believe!  And he will rock and roll!

I’m not kidding this I know

I let out grief and felt a glow

A light inside I did believe

I’m OK. I feel. I grieve.

Compulsions all have fear beneath

God has no “shoulds” or “work hard” teeth

Be yourself and kindness do

Serve to help others heal anew

Help them see that love transcends

We can all relax and mend

“Relax and enjoy your life

and everything will be alright!‚ÄĚ

This phrase came in a dream so real

I hope this poem will help you heal

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

With Love,

Roxanne

Part 2–More Helpful Tips for HSPs With A Narcissistic Parent

Hi everyone.  I am a life coach for highly sensitive people with childhood wounds and I specialize in inner child healing.  Today I am releasing Part 2 of my More Helpful Tips post for those of you Highly Sensitive Souls trying to figure out how to thrive when you have a narcissistic parent.  It may help for you to review tips 1 through 6 in my last post. To summarize, they were about: your gift of intuition; the childhood traumas you repressed to survive; anxiety, self-doubt, co-dependence and PTSD; there is hope; inner child healing can help; and no contact with your Narcissistic parent may be vital to the healing process. So here are tips 7. through 12.:

7.  Know that the GUILT is relieved by acknowledging the anger and hatred you felt as a child that you were forced to repress.

The guilt of setting boundaries in your relationship with your Narcissistic (N)¬†parent will be strong! ¬†Ignore it! It is guilt induced from elsewhere that you internalized since you were a tiny child.¬† That has affected your freedom as a gifted child to become your own wonderful self! ¬†It may feel as if they took that from you and gave you guilt, shame, and fear in it’s place.¬† So what do you do with the guilt you feel when stepping out on your own to become the person with freedom to do whatever you want with your life? ¬†HSPs tend to feel guilt for feeling anger–allow yourself to feel angry about it!¬† Righteous anger is a healthy emotion that you were not “allowed” to express to them–but it is important that you release this anger in harmless ways (not to the parent who abused you)¬†.¬† Acknowledge it, tell a safe person, or write it out in a journal (for your eyes only) in¬†detail the anger you feel for all that you lost.¬†¬†Because this rage inside that comes out sometimes in your life at the wrong people has an origin that needs to be acknowledged and let go of.¬† You have a right to acknowledge this repressed anger for the traumas that happened to you as a child–it was too painful for a child to survive this kind of excruciating, unbearable emotional¬†pain of hating your parents when you needed them so desperately.¬† So the trauma is repressed and the truth of what happened to you needs to be released so that you can finally be free.¬†Punching a mattress with your fist and/or screaming into several pillows for as long as you need to is helpful to release the rage you have kept inside all these years.¬† It helps to have a supportive and safe person present to validate your feelings as you release them. Do not hold onto this intense anger–release it and imagine this energy going away from you forever. ¬†(Forgiveness is important but not until all the layers of repressed anger are worked through and this takes time and patience with yourself–do not attempt to forgive too soon or you may get stuck in a guilt about not being able to forgive cycle.)

8. Know that grieving the loss of your childhood is part of the healing process.

Often after the release of anger¬†you will begin to feel all the hurt and pain of not being truly loved as you deserved.¬†Letting this out and releasing this is so important as well in the healing process of your wounded soul.¬†It helps so much to talk to another empathic human to feel fully validated and comforted through this grieving process–but if there is no one possible then you can write this pain out and you may even surprise yourself by the poetry that pours out of you.¬† (No rules when you write–just let it pour out).¬† These words of your soul will always surprise you– you will discover a richness and deep inner life inside of you that you never knew existed.¬† Because it was hiding in fear all this time–a very real fear–fear of your parent’s judgemental rejection and abandonment of your budding wise self.

9.  Know that it is okay for you to be FREE of them and put yourself first so you can heal.

It is a free country!¬† You are a free person¬†to do as you wish.¬† And noone knows the pain that a narcissistic parent can do to the soul of a highly sensitive child except those who have experienced it.¬† So stop waiting for approval from the rest of society. ¬†You may need to stop all contact with the harmful, negative, malignant narcissistic¬†parent in your life forever and always if that is how long it takes for you to feel safe and have inner peace. You do not even need to attend their funeral if that is something that worries you.¬†It is okay to protect yourself from all the negative energy and judgements of others at family gatherings if you¬†are feeling this will happen.¬†(This all depends upon your own personal spiritual beliefs–I personally now believe our souls live for eternity and those who truly love and support you will be there in heaven and¬†watch over you in spirit–they will understand your reasons for staying away. ¬†I believe you don’t need to go to a funeral to say goodbye or to appease family members who don’t support you either. This is something that must feel right to you and your own personal spiritual beliefs)¬† And to support you further, I just happened to hear on the radio today, a Christian counselor reminding someone that¬† “Honor thy father and mother” DOES NOT APPLY when they are emotionally abusive and use fear to control you.¬†¬†Fear is the opposite of love! ¬†It is a deal breaker and they are no longer honorable parents. ¬†God wants for you to protect yourself and go towards love in your life¬†and away from those who induce fear. I agree with this.¬† Loving parents want you to feel safe and loved–N parents do not care if you feel safe and loved, they want you to obey or else!¬† Please get yourself safe and free.

10.¬†Know that Narcissistic people are known as “Crazymakers” for a good reason.

If you have malignant narcissistic parents, they are not going to change and they are not going to stop trying to make you wrong.¬† You are not wrong for putting your life and your dreams first for a change.¬† This is your time!¬† This is your life!¬† This is your time for healing and dreaming and learning to love yourself as God has always wanted for you.¬† Malignant Narcissism is mental illness.¬† It’s a severe problem and insidious in nature because they appear to fit in with other people and have friends and thrive and look fine on the outside.¬†They may even be religious and say they are devoted to God but it is not true!¬† It is just words! ¬†They may even appear to change and will be on their good behavior around your children but don’t believe it.¬† They may even turn your kids against you in an instant if they are able.¬† ¬†There’s a hidden self-hatred there underneath in a narcissist¬†and a desire to control others with no remorse and no desire to change as a disconnected self-protection from emotional pain–a complete separation from their soul’s true essence.¬† That’s enough knowledge for you to know you need to get you and your children safe with safe boundaries in place.

11.  Know that highly sensitive people absorb the negative energy of others. Time alone and the beauty of nature can help recharge your positive  energy.

Malignant narcissists are like energy vampires sucking the good energy out of you and replacing it with all their unconscious negative feelings about themselves.¬† You feed them, so to speak, and they take it and feel better about themselves. And they constantly want more, not seeing or caring how it is hurting you.¬† Only you can stop feeding their endless need for your supply of positive energy.¬†This is what it means to develop healthy boundaries.¬† It is your very essence, your¬†“gift” that they are taking–your ability to give light and love to others.¬† You must protect this gift.¬†It is meant for those who are also of light and love so that we can build each other up and help each other so that all of our dreams can come true and we can improve life on our planet.¬† These dreams and desires that you have deep inside are the innervoice that connects you to God and the light that feeds all of us (HSPs).¬† It is the LOVE that you never got from your N parents that you begin to feel has been inside of you all along.¬† As you begin to connect with your real¬†feelings and your vitality you connect with God and the love and bliss that was there innately in our true selves.¬†¬†Love exists and you can give it to yourselves when you realize you were loved all along and were born with this love to give to others who¬†don’t exploit you.

12.  Know that you can rescue yourself!  Noone can do it for you.

Take the first steps and start on a path of healing today! ¬†Be strong and stay away from your malignant narcissistic parent while you heal and anyone who judges you for doing so.¬† You don’t need to explain¬†it to anyone.¬† Most highly sensitive people will understand without explanation.¬† They are out there–don’t give up!¬†I am proud to be a highly sensitive person and now as a life coach of inner child healing I shine my light brightly to help other sensitive souls out of the dark.¬† You have a light inside of you that has just been hiding in fear.¬† Everything is going to be all right now as the truth of who you are comes to light.¬†Please take extremely good care of yourself so your highly sensitive soul can shine and inspire others. I hope these tips have been helpful to you.

With Love and Light,

Roxanne

More Helpful Tips–For Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) With A Narcissistic Parent–Part 1

Hi everyone.¬†As highly sensitive people, many of you are struggling with how to cope with your relationship with your narcissistic parent and your unsupportive siblings and extended family.¬† First of all I want to tell you that as a life coach for people with childhood wounds, I understand your pain and how hard it is. There is very little support in our society for not having a relationship with ones’ parents no matter how negative and destructive they are to you or were to you in your childhood.¬† Many people have difficult parents but they tolerate them and seem to get by okay so why can’t you, right?¬† The pressure is very real.¬† But let me help you understand the difference between you (an HSP)¬†and everyone else with some more helpful tips that are very important for you to¬†know.

1. Know that your greatest gift is your intuition.

As a highly sensitive person (HSP), you were naturally giving and loving and trusting as children. ¬†You had high hopes for yourselves and others including your parents. ¬†People with loving and supportive¬†parents are more likely living lives full of vitality and creative fulfillment and healthy boundaries to keep negative, manipulative, harmful¬†people at a distance naturally and sharing their unique gifts with others. ¬†These people don’t feel guilty about not getting along with everyone–they just “know” there are some people who are unhealthy and dangerous–they pay attention to their natural instincts.¬† But people with a narcissistic parent were taught at a very young age, even from birth not to trust their own instincts, their own intuition.¬† The horrible thing about that is, that was their greatest gift, “their sensitive intuition”, and it was often used against them.

2. Know that you may have repressed a terrible trauma from your childhood–the loss of the knowledge of your gifts.

Possibly, if you had an N parent, then part of your sensitivities were seen as a gift for “them”.¬† They could control you easily because of your trusting nature–so often they used fear to get you to be quiet, anger to get¬†you to obey, and shame to keep you from feeling independent and strong.¬† And it worked. ¬†You trusted them and needed them to take care of you and protect you from a world that overwhelmed your sensitive souls so you…experienced a trauma that caused you to shut down your true selves and become what they wanted you to become. ¬† Something happened that was “the last straw” for your fragile but wise self that was developing. ¬†Typically it happens around age 5 or 6, according to Alice Miller (Author of The Drama of the Gifted¬†Child).¬† After an incident that you can’t remember because you have repressed it, suddenly, you are obedient and¬†sweet wanting only to please.¬† And please them you did.¬† And that is why it is so hard for them to let go of you now. ¬†You took care of them.¬† Completely and amazingly.¬† They felt loved by you and validated by you filling a void inside of them that was caused in their childhood.¬† It is as if you were the loving parent that¬†they never had.¬† That is how gifted you were.¬† Those¬†gifts of intuiting the needs of others are still there–they were just misused and abused by your needy and narcissistic parent.¬† Those gifts of being a loving and giving and caretaking soul were mis-directed.

3. Know that your childhood holds the roots of your anxiety, self-doubt, post traumatic stress, and co-dependence issues.

As you grew up and tried to do some of the¬†creative endeavors that were driven by your soul, your parent probably did not support you because they did not want you to leave them or stop taking care of their emotional needs or they just saw no harm in controlling you.¬† As narcissistic parents with no conscience or guilt, it was easy for them to manipulate you, so they did.¬† The pain of your original trauma at the age of 5 or 6 would come up for you each time you tried to express your true self and these outbursts of emotion may have been shamed and punished by your parent and made you give up each time.¬† This is the beginning of the post traumatic stress that still plagues you today.¬†” Why do I over-react in these explosive ways”, you may have asked yourself.¬† This is why.¬† Your true self and all your repressed feelings and desires from childhood still want badly to be heard and understood and validated and “loved”.¬† Your narcissistic parent was not capable of giving you this love and still is not and never will be.¬† Your love needs are still unmet.¬† You searched for love from others but sometimes,¬†because parts of you are still undeveloped and childlike, you end up being attracted to people who seem wonderful and charming at first but then turn out to be needy and manipulative and unable to comfort you when you need it most–just like your N parent.

4. Know that there is hope and you can heal.

So what is a highly sensitive person with an N parent to do?¬† You can heal and learn to love yourself and slowly unblock all those creative parts of yourself that never got a chance to be expressed.¬† You can learn to trust your self and your gifts of emotional intelligence and intuition that were seemingly robbed from you and misused and abused.¬† You can gain clarity amidst all the confusion, and hope amidst all the despair.¬† You can learn that it is okay for you to say no to other people’s demands and put yourself first.¬† You need to learn about extreme “self- care” (Cheryl Richardson–author of the book Life Makeovers) and you need a journal to pour into all the feelings from your deepest heart.¬† You need support from like-minded, highly sensitive, safe people to share the pain and grief¬†from the loss of a childhood that feels as if it was taken away from you.¬† All your desires and free impulses were repressed so that you¬†could survive with an illusion that your parent’s needs were¬†more important than your own.¬† But surviving was not really living your life.¬† Surviving is not good enough.¬† Your survival skills just cause you trouble because they are not driven by your heart, they are driven by a needy inner child trying to please a parent that felt unpleasable and without remorse about what they did to you.

5. Know that the answers are inside of you and support is available.

You need to take a new direction.¬† A direction into your own soul.¬† You need to excavate the desires of a child who never had a say in the development of his/her own life!¬† Write it out!¬† Talk it out! Cry it out!¬† Shout it out!¬† You can do this in a journal that is meant for your eyes only.¬† Or you can find a counselor or¬†coach who does inner child healing therapy.¬†¬†It’s important to find support somewhere so you can find your true voice and express it.¬† There are HSP meet-up groups in larger cities.¬† You might also look into Unitarian churches or Unity churches to meet people of a spiritual nature who are not necessarily “religious”.

6. Know that no contact with a malignant narcissistic parent is not just recommended so that you can get the time you need to heal, it is vital!

One of the first steps into this new direction of healing for yourself is ending the old song and dance and unhealthy relationship that you have with your narcissistic parent. ¬†If you’ve tried everything else and you are still miserable, that means setting boundaries on contact is an important step so that you can heal and move on with the life that you always deserved.¬† The fact that you understand the words Malignant Narcissistic is crucial here.¬† We are not talking about a parent that is capable of being remorseful about your childhood and trying to change, we are talking about a parent who blames you every time the relationship isn’t going their way–they resent the loss of control over your life that they always had.¬†Control is not love.¬†It may be time to cut off contact so you can finally heal. ¬†You do not owe them another¬†ounce of your precious energy.¬† You owe it to yourself to stay away from them as you heal, because being around them at all always takes a toll on you,¬† a toll that is much heavier and destructive and stressful and toxic to you than you may realize.

There are¬†a total of 12 tips that I have written about here today, but I am going to stop here and give you the other 6 in my next post in two weeks because this is getting really long.¬†I hope that what I have written has been helpful to you.¬† I hope that you can enjoy this last week of summer and get out in the warmth of the sunshine–slow down¬†and feel the connection to God’s love that nature provide’s and really take it in. Walks in nature are a¬†great way to recharge your energy.¬† Your highly sensitive soul and body deserve this special treatment.¬† It’s never too late to start on the path to the healing you deserve.

With Love,

Roxanne

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