Tag Archives: spirituality

I Was Lost But Now I’ve Found Me

Hello Everyone!  Happy New Year, Everyone! Happy New Decade! Yay 2020!!! I hope you are doing well.  I hope you find hope in my sharing my journey of feeling lost to feeling found. I understand, I care, and I found ways to heal that perhaps can help you too.

 

10 years ago today I started this blog!  It was a new beginning for me as the blog helped me to find my voice as a writer; as a coach, mentor, and spiritual counselor for other highly sensitive souls and empaths with childhood wounds; and just …as a person, a soul, a human being on the planet! I did not realize I had started my blog at the beginning of a decade! I did not realize until yesterday how serendipitous and special it is that I started my blog at the beginning of the previous Decade!  Wow exactly 10 years ago! I was 48 then and felt kind of old and yet unaccomplished and green.  I am 58 now and I feel younger than I did at 48 …and in fact younger and happier than when I was in my 30s!  2020 vision and clarity is ahead for us all–a new hopeful path is emerging before our very eyes! I invite you to get out your journal or think back to january 2010 and look at how far you have come.  Please share your healing journey in the comments below  or if you resonate with realizing you started some positive changes or awarenesses in your life in 2010.

 

one whole decade

 

I found my true soul’s purpose as a result of writing this blog and an ability to express myself that had long been hidden inside me. When I started I had no idea how importantly the work I did on this blog would impact my life. I remember thinking, if I could just help one other person with what I’ve learned on my journey then this blog would be a success. Such a valuable thing to learn I think because I had low expectations so when the blog gained momentum and had lots of engagement it gave me so much confidence! The success of beginning my career as a life coach on the blog lead me to following my intuition and trusting my own inner guidance at deeper and deeper levels.

I was helping others through sharing my journey through a pen name at first–using my middle name, I was known as Elaine back then. At the height of my coaching career, I then started writing more and more songs, going to open mic nights, met musician friends in my area, and overcame my terrifying fear of singing alone on stage in public. I started performing around Indianapolis and getting paid for it and made an album of original songs that is on all the Worldwide music platforms such as iTunes, Spotify, and Amazon.

While I deeply loved my blog, my coaching and my clients, my heart was torn in 2 directions. I realized I had to put all my songs under my legal name and until then they had been divided–half were songs about inner child healing under the name of Elaine. When I changed my name on the blog and stopped writing as regularly, the blog audience changed and grew as I changed and grew. Even when I didn’t write for a few years on this blog, the old posts continued to get readers and new followers and I continued to get emails from grateful sensitive souls who felt their childhood wounds had been “seen” and their inner feelings “voiced”.

My journey took a spiritual turn as the intuitive abilities helped me realize many of my songs and blog posts had been “channeled” by me–I realized I was co-creating with the help of my higher self. My soul’s purpose grew to include being an energy healer, and the training and certification I received as a Reiki Practitioner in 2012 was fitting beautifully with my channeling abilities, and I attracted opportunities for office space to do this Reiki work and Intuitive work in Indianapolis. Now, in addition, the music and the Reiki are fitting together as I learn about sound healing and things like Reiki-infused music and music-infused Reiki. It is so amazing to me how life unfolds in ways that amaze but we somehow get glimpses of what could be, yet we don’t know how we can get to our dreams and yet the dreams unfold into yet even better dreams and magical abilities.

We also all have so many unexpected hardships along the way and think we are off track sometimes, but I believe it is these very hardships and side roads that make us stronger–strong enough for the next thing that our higher self has planned for us! The last 2 years have been an upheaval for me, revealing unhealthy patterns in me that I couldn’t see without some shake-ups and re-formulating in some very close relationships.

But it all makes sense now–if you have painful childhood wounds you need to relearn how to bond with people with pure love at the core. I have even more self-compassion for my wounds, even more strength to observe them and release them and grow stronger with each layer of emotional pain from the past that presents itself.

The result is a really strong foundation at my core, an independence and confidence to stand on my own 2 feet, and empowerment that is not codependent on a partner or children, or a role, or achievement in life but in a power of being that is centered, grounded, and wise with knowing that I am worthy of having it all just by being. And that we are all worthy of having it all and I LOVE helping others to get to this same feeling of wholeness and vitality and creative expression.

Whew! What a ride the last 10 years have been! The first 3 years of this blog contain the meatiest, most substantial posts in my opinion so I am going to be reblogging those posts on the day that they were posted 10 years ago as they come up. I will also be posting updates in the present day too interspersed with these older blog posts.

So here is the very first blog post from the first day I signed up for the wordpress site– I was back then just learning to navigate the brand new wordpress world (and with my very first laptop computer too–I was still just learning the computer) at that time–my youngest child was now settled in college.

The first post was lyrics to an original song that expressed the hope I felt at going from “lost” to “found”. Thank you to all of you who follow me and to any of you who have followed me from the very beginning, I am sending you big hugs!!! 💞💞💞I’d love a comment or a hello from you!! Please join me in celebrating my 10 year anniversary of teaching and learning self-compassion through this blog–all the way from Elaine to Roxanne Elaine. I will continue to write here to share my journey to comfort and encourage all who resonate with this community of Hope and Healing. I’m so grateful to all of you who read my blog. Again I THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart and the depths of my soul.

Wishing you a wonderful Happy New Year Celebration!! 🎉🙌 Yay!! It’s 2020!!🤩

A new Beginning for us all.

Party like 1999

Sending you comfort, caring, inner peace, love and light,

and Encouragement to Enjoy Life, and Permission to Party!!

Look how far you’ve come!! 😃💃🕺❣️

Roxanne ✌️😇🎶💖✨

 

Hope and Healing Haven

My very first post, Dec. 30, 2009: 

I Was Lost But Now I’ve Found Me

Lyrics by Roxanne Smith

I am strong but they can’t see me

I am wise but they can’t hear me

I am kind but they can’t feel me

I was lost but now I’ve found me

I can see the truth in me

I can feel the love in thee

I can have the strength I lost begin again

Your belief in me makes me free

CHORUS

I am sad and you are there to hold me

I am weak and you are there to guide me

I am scared and you are there to love me

I was lost but now I’ve found me

I can be all that I can be

Overcome the fear they gave me

When all I feel is lost and unaware

You are there to say you care

When…

View original post 111 more words

A Healing Poem for Sensitive Souls with a Narcissistic Mother on 11-11.

Hello Everyone!  Many sensitive, and empathic souls and clients are having childhood wounds arise to the surface to be healed.  It can be a very painful experience.  It’s also an opportunity to heal and become stronger.  I hope this poem I wrote recently is helpful, uplifting, and supportive. If you resonate, please leave a comment and maybe we’ll create a tribe for support.  Welcome!

YOU WERE NEVER LOVED, MY DEAR (Healing Shame From Childhood Wounds)                By Roxanne Elaine Smith

When you had a narcissistic mom

Where’s the next hit coming from

Not a hit with fist or hand

But words and eyes that punch and land

*

Devastating to your soul

Nothing solid to take hold

No mirror to see your worth

No smiles and comfort so you search

*

You search for reasons, blame yourself

Shame and doubt instead of stealth

It robs you of the truth and time

You were sweet and so sublime

*

You were shining, curious love

Sent to earth from up above

But chose the hardest path to start

A childhood starved from feeling part

*

Everywhere you reached was blocked

So you gave up and heart was locked

Trust too much or not enough

Attracting all similar stuff

*

Until you realize the pattern here

You were never loved, my dear

Start from scratch and loving you

Oh it is so hard to do

*

At first because the triggers are

Relieving painful trauma jars

Shocking you right to your core

“How did I survive Oh Lord”

*

You didn’t! No you gave up YOU

And turned into a mask not true

Obedient and needy so

People-please and perfection oh

*

Trying oh so many things

Until your true voice finally sings

But shame comes up with every truth

The pattern hidden from your youth

*

Every time you were you, you were shamed

Have to get YOU back again

Ignore the shame and keep on moving

Rise above shame and keep on grooving

*

Yell at shame, you are not mine

Dance out shame, I am just fine

Shame keeps coming every time

Hiding doesn’t heal the crime

*

Only way is to see the child

Inside the parents who went wild

Spilling out their pain on you

Everything it was not true

*

You were perfect whole and right

Their fear and anguish like a blight

They felt safe because of you

Your light it was so bright it’s true

*

Not fair of course you deserved the world

You knew that you could heal and unfurl

Figure it all out you would

And love yourself just as you should

*

And finally learn strong boundaries

And attract those loving hercules

Those strong people, inner strength

Like you they’ve been put up to the brink

*

The death of soul and now awake

They search for tribes to quell and quake

Masterful and sensitive

They forgive and give and give and give

*

And you know you are one of them

And renewed hope on journey stems

Trying listening within

Trusting that love is what went dim

*

Self compassion is your chore

As shame returns with each great score

Reducing size or is it growing

Heal emotions and new knowing

*

Center, grounding, peace of mind

Solid forming, still maligned

Defensiveness and anger flare

But forgiving quicker in thin air

*

Believing in the moment’s peace

That’s the truth not all the fleece

Still confusing childhood wounds

Where’s the love-so many moods

*

Why the deep and painful purge

Feel relief when follow urge

Writing helps you flow it out

The truth is innocence about

*

All of it you chose but why

More than you can fathom, sigh

Others seem to simply thrive

Private hell they do deny

*

Good to have access to love

Reach for heaven up above

But also know you are whole and kind

Lovely you, you shine, shine, shine

*

Then loved ones blame—it all comes back

Another painful self attack

Oh the grief you must allow

The child must cry it out oh wow

*

Will the tears they ever stop

When your happy bubble popped

Self-reliant muscle test

You are getting strongest yet

*

See yourself that child hugged

Held and cherished sweetest mug

Smiles and happy to see you

Healing all that you’ve been through

*

It’s okay to cry a lot

Over things that most forgot

Disappointment to your core

Life goes on with all the sores

*

Want them all to go away

Triggers say hello today

Do not put it all on you!

Bask in love all the day through

*

When you find a sea of pain

That is someone else’s train

Let them drive on their own track

Do not let them take a snack

*

Send them love and move along

You know how you are so strong

You do so much for others

Time to be your own best mother

*

Nurture, comfort, love your soul

You are here to Rock n Roll

Everything is now alright

You are purely Love and Light

Original Poem © Roxanne E. Smith

 

With deep caring, comfort, and compassion,

Roxanne 😇💖✨

P.S. See more healing poems and writings here

“Pain From the Past” Arising for Highly Sensitive Souls

Pain from the past image

PAIN FROM THE PAST

Lyrics by Roxanne Smith

 

Feelings coming up from I don’t know where

I don’t want to feel it but avoid it I don’t dare

 

CHORUS:

‘Cause it’s pain from the past you see

Comin’ up to say hello to me

Just keep it a movin’ until I’m free

Let it move on through and away from me

 

They say it gets easier as the old layers heal

I can tell I am stronger and I’m more grounded and real

But sometimes it’s thick and pulls me back down

To how I felt as a child when love was not around

 

CHORUS:

It’s just pain from the past you see

Comin’ up to say hello to me

Just keep it a movin’ until I’m free

Let it move on through and away from me

 

What happened back then can’t be made right

But I can love that little child in me with all my might

I can protect her and soothe her pain

I deserved love back then and now I’m gonna make it rain

 

BRIDGE:

Make it rain love love love

Coming down on me

Make it rain love love love

Until I’m free

Wash away all of the doubt

And the fear and shame

Until I’m a bright shining light again

with no more pain

 

Repeat 1st verse:

Feelings comin up from I don’t know where

I don’t want to feel it but avoid it I don’t dare

 

CHORUS:

‘Cause it’s pain from the past you see

Comin’ up to say hello to me

Just keep it on movin’until I’m free

Let it move on through and away from me.

Original Song © 2014 Roxanne Smith

Hello everyone! Lots of good things have been happening with my music performances and my coaching in the last couple of months so I’ve been very busy with that. It’s very exciting and somewhat surreal as I keep reaching outside of my comfort zone.  HOWEVER, just recently I’ve been surprised by the intensity of feelings coming up that I haven’t felt for a long time or maybe EVER.  I know I’m so much stronger because I am observing this happening rather letting it get me down. However, I’ve been surprised at the intensity of old feelings, anxiety, lack of motivation, and emotional pain. I reassure myself that it’s old stuff on the way out but I have the say Man I’m very surprised at the intensity and heaviness of the feelings that been coming and going in the last few days!  I look up and listen to youtube channellings on the spiritual guidance about solar flares and energy upgrades and ascension symptoms and things of this nature at times like these when I feel out of sorts. I usually get comfort and confirmation that something big is going on with the planets energy and this time is no exception. One of my favorites for highly sensitive souls and empaths, if you are interested, is Lee Harris Energy. Check his video out at the bottom of this post if you are interested.

So if you are feeling out of sorts, lost your confidence, extra tired and unmotivated, and experiencing bouts of emotional pain, and/or loneliness please know you are not alone and this too shall pass.  Highly sensitive souls are feeling it because it’s a gift to be so clairsentient and empathic–it’s not because it’s a curse or a problem.  Please allow these times of emotional healing and physical healing to reassure you that you belong to a unique and special tribe of souls here on earth with an innate higher vibration. You might possibly be a lightworker and you might like to google this word and see if you resonate with the meaning of it–it may help you feel supported if you are feeling drawn to learning about spiritual awakening.

If you identify as an empath, introvert, or HSP then you might possibly still be a sponge and absorbing the unfelt feelings of the collective consciousness–this could be happening to you if you are still healing childhood wounds.  Learning about grounding techniques and positive affirmations can help a lot. Take solace in knowing you are not alone and you are part of a tribe of highly sensitive people all going through similar emotional healing in similar ways.  Please comment if you are needing support from others in this community right now or if you relate to what I am saying. Or let us know if you are doing great and zooming right through because of healing that is behind you.  Everyone is different and it’s fascinating to see how we are all healing in different ways and yet similar in other ways. We can learn so much from each other.

One common similarity among us it seems is that pain seems to come up to heal after a success and achievement is reached, that when “wham” old beliefs and insecurities come up to the surface, sometimes the next morning, after you’ve broken through a personal glass ceiling in your life’s journey.  Please don’t let your old inner critic/ego beliefs that can get loud after a success convince you that you are not cut out for this new level of success. Just try to observe it happening and write about it in a journal for your eyes only and see how unfair that voice is being to you. That is not the voice of your true self. Self-compassion is the voice of the true self and that is the voice that is best to listen to–your higher self.  It’s like developing a muscle when you are learning to tap into this inner guidance–you will get stronger and stronger as you practice recognizing when your inner critic is beating you up.  It’s often just a lower vibration energy that is on the way out as your soul is reaching for higher heights–back up where you belong.  😃 Because you were born with a higher vibration–highly sensitive for a good reason and that reason is to elevate the planet with your compassion and innate goodness and positivity.

With love and light, comfort, caring, and compassion,

Roxanne 😇🙏🎶💖✨

P.S. Please leave a comment because your comment will help other highly sensitive souls who have not yet found their voice or inner strength to comment yet.  Helping others by writing about your story can lift you up during hard times as well!

Here’s the video I mentioned above:

 

 

Perfectionism, The Highly Sensitive Person, and How Grieving Our Childhood Pain Is Essential To Healing

 

Hi everyone.  I hope you are enjoying the summer.  I hope you are not heaping lists of  “shoulds” on yourself (home improvements etc.) to accomplish–only to realize, “What was I thinking?!  I can’t do all this stuff!–the KIDS are home!”  ha ha.  Yes I remember, and I still do it somewhat but this summer is SO much better.  Back then it was a priority for me to make happy, fun summer memories for my children and connecting with them emotionally. I always ended up throwing out my long list of shoulds.  If you don’t, you end up saying to yourself, “I didn’t get this done and I didn’t get that done.  Instead make a list of all the things you DO accomplish after they happen–write down each special conversation, each walk in nature, each memorable meal together etc.  By the end of the summer you will have a wonderful memoir of how special your summer actually was instead of a list of what you didn’t get done.

Even with my best efforts when my children were growing up, I was too busy satisfying their needs for a fun summer and way too many “shoulds” for myself that I often felt like I missed it–summer would just zip by me and I was left feeling regret.

I think often times we are busy like that to avoid our painful feelings that we may have experienced in childhood. We found ways to cope and survive the lack of love, encouragement, acknowledgement, and acceptance we all desperately wanted and needed. We are perfectionists, compulsive over-workers, compulsive shoppers, compulsive list-makers, and then call ourselves procrastinators because we put things off–but it’s really because we have unrealistic expectations of what we need to accomplish.

As highly sensitive children, it seemed to us that nothing we ever did was praised or applauded as we deserved unless it was something others wanted us to be doing.  This was so confusing to us so we rationalized that we must not be doing enough or doing it well enough.  Now when we overwork because of perfectionism it is because we are still trying to fill an unmet need from childhood–one that will never be met but can be resolved if we allow our sadness about the truth of it all to come to the surface.  Grief is a positive, healthy emotion that is necessary to heal your childhood wounds.  You deserved so much more–you deserved…”love”.  You did not get what you felt you needed and you may feel you are still not getting it.  The problem is not with you…you are so loveable!  Aren’t you!  You know it.  You are smiling right now aren’t you because you know it on some deep level. 🙂  That is the truth that you must listen to.  The love you need and deserve exists–we know what we deserved.   

For some reason, we may feel we were born into situations where we couldn’t get love the way our souls needed to be loved.  I had a hard time resolving this–it didn’t make sense.  I was drawn to reading a lot of new age books on spirituality to figure this out.  Reading all these books really helped me get a new perspective.  I now believe that I may have more innate inner strength than certain family members.  I am able to grow and give to others even more because of my childhood wounds. We (HSPs) see the truth, we KNOW we deserve love and better treatment and we know we don’t deserve feeling bad about ourselves any longer.  When someone sees you as LESS THAN and you know you deserve more–you don’t have to be around that person.  You may need to try a few times to get them to see you and understand you, but if you keep on coming up short in their eyes, and this is causing you a great deal of stress, then it’s time to distance yourself from them and get some healing support. Some of us can’t even try to be ourselves with them–it’s too excruciating to re-experience the rejection, so we must just leave for as long as it takes so that we can begin to heal.

We all NEED acceptance.  It’s very important to look elsewhere for people who accept you and understand your self-expression for support.  We (HSPs) eventually grow from the pain of it all, and we learn to rely on our selves if we can get away from the negativity that unhealthy family members, bullies, and/or society use to control us and keep us DOWN.  They know we are different and special and yet maybe they are not as evolved as we are and so it seems they do not have the inner strength to say,  “Wow you have these great gifts of sensitivity and awareness and depth–you are different from us, you should go out into the world and share your knowledge, vision, gifts, and message of love and peace to the world–we understand and we are in awe of you.  So GO, fly away and be the best that you can be!” ha ha Wouldn’t that be the greatest to hear anyone say that!?!

In order for them to say that to us, they would have to be very secure and love themselves a lot (or be an HSP like you).  It could be they don’t love themselves at all. They may want to control us because they have so much pain and if we leave them it makes them feel their pain so they blame us.  They may not have the “insight” to see what we see or want what we want and to see that their pain has nothing to do with us.  We are holding ourselves back, waiting for their permission to leave.

Reading the books on spirituality helped me to believe that my spirit (everyone’s spirit)  is going to live for all eternity and the lessons I learn in this lifetime will never be forgotten. I believe we all evolve at different levels and different speeds and some of us souls are more advanced than others. We (HSPs) are continuously healing our post traumatic stress from our very real childhood wounds, and it is necessary for us to separate from those who caused these wounds and move forward toward new healthier people.  We must not feel guilty for healing–I believe GOD wanted us to be all that we can be and he is with us in all our healing.  We each have different limits to what negativity we can be around–we need to honor these limits and take care of ourselves whatever it takes!  Alice Miller often talks about the “never-ending work of mourning” in her books and how important the grieving process is for our recovery–we must accept it as essential to our healing and to our eventual freedom from our inner-prison of self-doubt.

 Perhaps our highly sensitive souls are more evolved and we chose (with the gift of God’s free will) to have these experiences in this lifetime to learn about the pain of rejection and about our own strength in overcoming it.  Maybe we chose them so we could learn what not to do to our own children and develop empathic skills to help others by surviving such treatment as children. I know that I am finally glad to be me, and I am proud of myself for all that I have figured out and how this knowledge has helped a lot of other people to heal. 

The grieving process has opened my life up to the most wonderful feelings of joy, love, and trust in my creativity, and this is what keeps me going in this direction.  When I love and value myself and my feelings, all of them, I have more to give others to help them to heal as well.  I believe we are all highly sensitive for a very special reason and may need to heal separately from our families until we are strong enough to not be triggered and to give back to others…others who are ready to heal and ready to feel.

With support we can grieve for not getting the love we feel we needed and we can have a happy, healthy, guilt-free, and independent life.  The joy and relief you will feel when you allow yourself to grieve will feel wonderful and so you will know you are going in the right direction.  If you need help grieving and someone to listen, this is what this blog community is here for.  Thank you sensitive souls out there for being here on the planet.  

Thank you to all my commenters for sharing your pain and experiences and encouragement–your words are so helpful to others who have not yet found their voice.

Please also check out my new pages called “Portrait of an INFJ, …INFP, and …INTJ”.   Very many of my clients have turned out to be these three temperament types (but not all) and I believe it would benefit those who are to read the description of your true potential as was written in Keirsey and Bates book on temperament types. (See Recommended Books).  It certainly gave me hope when I read it and I hope it does the same for you.  

With love,

Roxanne

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