I Was Lost But Now I’ve Found Me
Hello Everyone! Happy New Year, Everyone! Happy New Decade! Yay 2020!!! I hope you are doing well. I hope you find hope in my sharing my journey of feeling lost to feeling found. I understand, I care, and I found ways to heal that perhaps can help you too.
10 years ago today I started this blog! It was a new beginning for me as the blog helped me to find my voice as a writer; as a coach, mentor, and spiritual counselor for other highly sensitive souls and empaths with childhood wounds; and just …as a person, a soul, a human being on the planet! I did not realize I had started my blog at the beginning of a decade! I did not realize until yesterday how serendipitous and special it is that I started my blog at the beginning of the previous Decade! Wow exactly 10 years ago! I was 48 then and felt kind of old and yet unaccomplished and green. I am 58 now and I feel younger than I did at 48 …and in fact younger and happier than when I was in my 30s! 2020 vision and clarity is ahead for us all–a new hopeful path is emerging before our very eyes! I invite you to get out your journal or think back to january 2010 and look at how far you have come. Please share your healing journey in the comments below or if you resonate with realizing you started some positive changes or awarenesses in your life in 2010.
I found my true soul’s purpose as a result of writing this blog and an ability to express myself that had long been hidden inside me. When I started I had no idea how importantly the work I did on this blog would impact my life. I remember thinking, if I could just help one other person with what I’ve learned on my journey then this blog would be a success. Such a valuable thing to learn I think because I had low expectations so when the blog gained momentum and had lots of engagement it gave me so much confidence! The success of beginning my career as a life coach on the blog lead me to following my intuition and trusting my own inner guidance at deeper and deeper levels.
I was helping others through sharing my journey through a pen name at first–using my middle name, I was known as Elaine back then. At the height of my coaching career, I then started writing more and more songs, going to open mic nights, met musician friends in my area, and overcame my terrifying fear of singing alone on stage in public. I started performing around Indianapolis and getting paid for it and made an album of original songs that is on all the Worldwide music platforms such as iTunes, Spotify, and Amazon.
While I deeply loved my blog, my coaching and my clients, my heart was torn in 2 directions. I realized I had to put all my songs under my legal name and until then they had been divided–half were songs about inner child healing under the name of Elaine. When I changed my name on the blog and stopped writing as regularly, the blog audience changed and grew as I changed and grew. Even when I didn’t write for a few years on this blog, the old posts continued to get readers and new followers and I continued to get emails from grateful sensitive souls who felt their childhood wounds had been “seen” and their inner feelings “voiced”.
My journey took a spiritual turn as the intuitive abilities helped me realize many of my songs and blog posts had been “channeled” by me–I realized I was co-creating with the help of my higher self. My soul’s purpose grew to include being an energy healer, and the training and certification I received as a Reiki Practitioner in 2012 was fitting beautifully with my channeling abilities, and I attracted opportunities for office space to do this Reiki work and Intuitive work in Indianapolis. Now, in addition, the music and the Reiki are fitting together as I learn about sound healing and things like Reiki-infused music and music-infused Reiki. It is so amazing to me how life unfolds in ways that amaze but we somehow get glimpses of what could be, yet we don’t know how we can get to our dreams and yet the dreams unfold into yet even better dreams and magical abilities.
We also all have so many unexpected hardships along the way and think we are off track sometimes, but I believe it is these very hardships and side roads that make us stronger–strong enough for the next thing that our higher self has planned for us! The last 2 years have been an upheaval for me, revealing unhealthy patterns in me that I couldn’t see without some shake-ups and re-formulating in some very close relationships.
But it all makes sense now–if you have painful childhood wounds you need to relearn how to bond with people with pure love at the core. I have even more self-compassion for my wounds, even more strength to observe them and release them and grow stronger with each layer of emotional pain from the past that presents itself.
The result is a really strong foundation at my core, an independence and confidence to stand on my own 2 feet, and empowerment that is not codependent on a partner or children, or a role, or achievement in life but in a power of being that is centered, grounded, and wise with knowing that I am worthy of having it all just by being. And that we are all worthy of having it all and I LOVE helping others to get to this same feeling of wholeness and vitality and creative expression.
Whew! What a ride the last 10 years have been! The first 3 years of this blog contain the meatiest, most substantial posts in my opinion so I am going to be reblogging those posts on the day that they were posted 10 years ago as they come up. I will also be posting updates in the present day too interspersed with these older blog posts.
So here is the very first blog post from the first day I signed up for the wordpress site– I was back then just learning to navigate the brand new wordpress world (and with my very first laptop computer too–I was still just learning the computer) at that time–my youngest child was now settled in college.
The first post was lyrics to an original song that expressed the hope I felt at going from “lost” to “found”. Thank you to all of you who follow me and to any of you who have followed me from the very beginning, I am sending you big hugs!!! 💞💞💞I’d love a comment or a hello from you!! Please join me in celebrating my 10 year anniversary of teaching and learning self-compassion through this blog–all the way from Elaine to Roxanne Elaine. I will continue to write here to share my journey to comfort and encourage all who resonate with this community of Hope and Healing. I’m so grateful to all of you who read my blog. Again I THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart and the depths of my soul.
Wishing you a wonderful Happy New Year Celebration!! 🎉🙌 Yay!! It’s 2020!!🤩
A new Beginning for us all.
Sending you comfort, caring, inner peace, love and light,
and Encouragement to Enjoy Life, and Permission to Party!!
Look how far you’ve come!! 😃💃🕺❣️
My very first post, Dec. 30, 2009:
I Was Lost But Now I’ve Found Me
Lyrics by Roxanne Smith
I am strong but they can’t see me
I am wise but they can’t hear me
I am kind but they can’t feel me
I was lost but now I’ve found me
I can see the truth in me
I can feel the love in thee
I can have the strength I lost begin again
Your belief in me makes me free
I am sad and you are there to hold me
I am weak and you are there to guide me
I am scared and you are there to love me
I was lost but now I’ve found me
I can be all that I can be
Overcome the fear they gave me
When all I feel is lost and unaware
You are there to say you care
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The Process of Inner Child Healing and a Poem of Hope for Highly Sensitive Survivors
Hello everyone. Whenever I write a new post, I “tune in” to you, my readers, and write from my heart. Sometimes I plan what I am going to write and other times I write something entirely different from what I had planned. At the beginning I used to worry, “how can I top that last post”, but now I just trust in the process and I know that what I write will turn out all right.
It is wonderful to feel such confidence. It is such a contrast to how I used to feel years ago before I gained access to the truth of who I am. It was “self-doubt”–a looming horrible anxious feeling of dread and guilt…or more often a feeling of numbness and compulsions to avoid feelings by keeping busy with tasks that I felt I “should” be doing. I had no access to my truth–I had hidden away my truth to protect myself from the unbearable pain that I experienced as a child.
Through my journaling I discovered a process that helped me to heal more than anything else I tried–it was writing out my pain from my inner child’s point of view. I knew from all of my reading and training in psychology that blocks happen in childhood–and I had been encouraged by two helpful counselors to continue to write out my feelings in order to uncover them (I had been writing poems about my feelings since the age of 14).
Writing from my inner child’s perspective just kind of naturally happened and I found it to be the most powerful healing tool in my own recovery. I discovered “her” voice by writing out “her” pain and then I had no choice but to feel compassion for what “she” went through and over time “she” became clearly “Me”! And as I began trusting in this process of trusting “her” view of what had happened to me I began trusting my self. My inner dialogue then gradually changed from critical to compassionate. I remember that I started feeling emotions that had previously been repressed and could then label them.
I was excited about this process. For example, I’d be at the grocery store and suddenly become aware of a feeling such as shame and say to myself , “this feeling is really familiar but I never knew until now that it is “shame”. Wow this is shame from my childhood coming up.” I realized I was feeling these feelings for the first time since I had hidden them away in childhood. Rather then get caught up in them I was able to observe them and acknowledge them and release them. I would often go right away and write in my journal about the origins of these painful feelings. Repressed memories would often come back to me during these times. It wasn’t always so simple–sometimes I would unconsciously drag my husband into a drama only to discover I was replaying a trauma from childhood so that I could finally voice my feelings of anger, grief, or fear to my envisioned N parent. My knowledge of what was happening luckily allowed me to be aware of the process of healing–I would quickly reassure my husband what was happening so that he could then support the release of my feelings as a supportive witness without feeling blamed in any way. Seeing me recover my feelings in such a way and feel relief helped my husband to understand this healing process as well and he began processing his childhood pain in a similar way (he had a Narcissistic parent too).
I am planning to put together a book in which I include the best of my healing writings directly from my journals that show this process of healing first hand from age 18 to the present. Although it will be very personal I am hoping that it will help others to heal and develop compassion for their inner child and what they went through if they are unable to write out their feelings in such a way that I was able–I consider it a gift that I was able to do this and I am grateful to have such a vivid memoir of my recovery. I believe this gift of writing I have been given is another way that I can help other highly sensitive souls to recover and to help them to feel relief from the inner prison of emotional abuse by a Narcissistic parent. Please let me know if you would be interested in reading such a book.
Recently I wrote the following poem when I “tuned in” to you, my readers and fellow highly sensitive survivors. I was planning to save it for my book but I have decided to share it with you now instead to show an example one of the kinds of writings that will be included. Here it is:
Poem of Hope and Healing for the Highly Sensitive Survivor
By Roxanne E. Smith
March 22, 2011
Pain so deep, I can’t see the light
I know it’s there but it’s not very bright
The sadness is thick, despair all around
I envision a child giving up with no sound
Pain so deep, I hide all my hope
Afraid to come out, I feel like a dope
Worthless and horrible, don’t ever try
The pain is unbearable, can’t even cry
I can’t feel the love, I need it so bad!
So much fear without it, it’s really so sad!’
I am feeling much better just admitting this truth
You have to have love when you’re in your youth!
Without love you can’t heal all the hurts that come by
When bad things do happen we need love when we cry
Someone has to hold us and give us new hope
If there’s no one for comfort than there’s no way to cope
No wonder I hid my talents away
When I would do well then I was their prey
The taunting, the teasing, “Who do you think you are?”
Shame became my deepest scar
But who was this child all hidden in shame
An innocent victim who will never be the same?
She thinks she is nothing but she is so wrong
The truth is she’s beautiful, wise, and so strong
Scoop up that child all broken and battered
Love her and hug her and tell her she matters
She’s awesome and wonderful, they were so wrong
Talented, creative , and smart all along
Sensitive soul you were so beaten down
But you figured it out and now you can leave town
You’re safe now and free–no more bullies outside
Shine your light, spread your wings, don’t believe all the lies
Be kind to yourself when the pain comes back ’round
Love yourself through it, your true self is found
You know the truth and now you can be free
Fear is from “them”–in the past, don’t you see?
Relax into the pain and it will dissipate
Because the pain is from lies and it’s never too late!
To believe in yourself and your talents and dreams
You are good at compassion and so many things
They did not want you to succeed with your gifts
So they made you give up and they threatened with fists
You were small so you gave up but now you are grown
You can heal all the pain and make it now on your own
You can do it!–the words you’ve long waited to hear
Say them to your self! And say NO to the fear!
Give them back all the bad feelings that they gave to you
Imagine this energy going outward from you
Then let in the light and the love from a place
Where angels don’t want you to live in disgrace
You know what love is because you give it so freely
To others who need it when they’re feeling needy
Give to your self all this love all the time!
You will find your true purpose and all will be fine
These lessons are so hard that we learn from our pain
But we discover our strengths again and again
So sensitive souls who survived from abuse
Your gifts are so needed to be put to good use
I know how you feel and I hope you feel better
Because we can overcome it if we do it together!
I hope that this poem has helped you to feel loved
You are!–and I send it to you from above!
I understand and I want to comfort your pain
I hope this is helpful. Love, Roxanne Elaine