Hello Everyone! Many sensitive, and empathic souls and clients are having childhood wounds arise to the surface to be healed. It can be a very painful experience. It’s also an opportunity to heal and become stronger. I hope this poem I wrote recently is helpful, uplifting, and supportive. If you resonate, please leave a comment and maybe we’ll create a tribe for support. Welcome!
YOU WERE NEVER LOVED, MY DEAR (Healing Shame From Childhood Wounds) By Roxanne Elaine Smith
When you had a narcissistic mom
Where’s the next hit coming from
Not a hit with fist or hand
But words and eyes that punch and land
Devastating to your soul
Nothing solid to take hold
No mirror to see your worth
No smiles and comfort so you search
You search for reasons, blame yourself
Shame and doubt instead of stealth
It robs you of the truth and time
You were sweet and so sublime
You were shining, curious love
Sent to earth from up above
But chose the hardest path to start
A childhood starved from feeling part
Everywhere you reached was blocked
So you gave up and heart was locked
Trust too much or not enough
Attracting all similar stuff
Until you realize the pattern here
You were never loved, my dear
Start from scratch and loving you
Oh it is so hard to do
At first because the triggers are
Relieving painful trauma jars
Shocking you right to your core
“How did I survive Oh Lord”
You didn’t! No you gave up YOU
And turned into a mask not true
Obedient and needy so
People-please and perfection oh
Trying oh so many things
Until your true voice finally sings
But shame comes up with every truth
The pattern hidden from your youth
Every time you were you, you were shamed
Have to get YOU back again
Ignore the shame and keep on moving
Rise above shame and keep on grooving
Yell at shame, you are not mine
Dance out shame, I am just fine
Shame keeps coming every time
Hiding doesn’t heal the crime
Only way is to see the child
Inside the parents who went wild
Spilling out their pain on you
Everything it was not true
You were perfect whole and right
Their fear and anguish like a blight
They felt safe because of you
Your light it was so bright it’s true
Not fair of course you deserved the world
You knew that you could heal and unfurl
Figure it all out you would
And love yourself just as you should
And finally learn strong boundaries
And attract those loving hercules
Those strong people, inner strength
Like you they’ve been put up to the brink
The death of soul and now awake
They search for tribes to quell and quake
Masterful and sensitive
They forgive and give and give and give
And you know you are one of them
And renewed hope on journey stems
Trying listening within
Trusting that love is what went dim
Self compassion is your chore
As shame returns with each great score
Reducing size or is it growing
Heal emotions and new knowing
Center, grounding, peace of mind
Solid forming, still maligned
Defensiveness and anger flare
But forgiving quicker in thin air
Believing in the moment’s peace
That’s the truth not all the fleece
Still confusing childhood wounds
Where’s the love-so many moods
Why the deep and painful purge
Feel relief when follow urge
Writing helps you flow it out
The truth is innocence about
All of it you chose but why
More than you can fathom, sigh
Others seem to simply thrive
Private hell they do deny
Good to have access to love
Reach for heaven up above
But also know you are whole and kind
Lovely you, you shine, shine, shine
Then loved ones blame—it all comes back
Another painful self attack
Oh the grief you must allow
The child must cry it out oh wow
Will the tears they ever stop
When your happy bubble popped
Self-reliant muscle test
You are getting strongest yet
See yourself that child hugged
Held and cherished sweetest mug
Smiles and happy to see you
Healing all that you’ve been through
It’s okay to cry a lot
Over things that most forgot
Disappointment to your core
Life goes on with all the sores
Want them all to go away
Triggers say hello today
Do not put it all on you!
Bask in love all the day through
When you find a sea of pain
That is someone else’s train
Let them drive on their own track
Do not let them take a snack
Send them love and move along
You know how you are so strong
You do so much for others
Time to be your own best mother
Nurture, comfort, love your soul
You are here to Rock n Roll
Everything is now alright
You are purely Love and Light
Original Poem © Roxanne E. Smith
With deep caring, comfort, and compassion,
P.S. See more healing poems and writings here
Hello Everyone! I haven’t written for a while because I’ve been so busy just observing this emotional roller coaster ride of the last couple months—it’s been hard to put into words! It has propelled me into journaling more to get clarity and as always when I write I am able to access a higher perspective of “what the heck is going on now”! 😳🙏😆Haha! I’ve learned a few things and so I feel ready to share some of the positive things to give all of you sensitive souls on this spiritual journey a boost to feel better about EVERYTHING!
What a roller coaster ride! By this I mean Ups and Downs and Curves and Surprises and Shocks! Can you relate? But at the end of a roller coaster ride at an amusement park, the end of the ride comes with a slowing down and a smooth safe feeling until it comes to a stop and you get off and everyone is all smiles and Gee that was fun. Well, in general I mean haha, and only because you knew it was temporary—it was a ride you took by choice and it was a safe way to experience a thrill and know it would be over soon.
Compare that to this incarnation of life on this planet. As sensitive souls, we are highly evolved divine beings here to help, but we have expectations of smooth sailing and love and abundance. I really think it is these expectations that contribute to us getting stuck in the lows on the roller coaster that we experience.
All of this is coming up for me to talk about I believe because of this last full moon on October 13-yesterday! If you are like me you may have noticed that you are very sensitive to cosmic changes to the planet and Full Moons and New Moons etc.. I am not very educated in astrology but I find myself searching for YouTube videos to explain what’s going on cosmically at certain times when I’m feeling out of balance and sure enough it is a full moon or a solar flare or something like this causing our distress and it all resonates and gives a sense of relief.
I get some reassurance from the information I watch or read from elsewhere but often times I am searching and don’t find what I need to feel inner peace—then I am forced to write and then I realize as I connect to my higher self, my inner wisdom, my spirit team, my angels, the Universe, God, whatever you want to call “IT”.
I am then reminded that all my answers for my own inner peace can be found “within”. I know this but why do I keep forgetting it? Looking for outside validation has been ingrained in us as humans on this planet and we all feel this—trying to fit in and feel understood by other humans—wanting a tribe or even one other person who understands us and makes us feel reassured and comforted that we are OKAY and that what we are feeling is OKAY and that there is hope and that everything is going to be OKAY.
This neediness we feel is understandable—as highly sensitive, compassionate, evolved souls we are awakening spiritually but we are straddling 2 worlds. We are trying to make it in the 3D world and pay our bills etc. and also looking at the higher perspective of the 5D spiritual world for deeper meaning and understanding of why we are here, keeping our vibration high, and living in the moment to access the unconditional love that we have resonated with as Yes, This is it! All is well! We want that feeling everyday, all the time, every morning when we wake up.
But what I am understanding is, when we wake up in the morning with horrible dread and feeling bad about being here on the planet we need to observe this as information and not as our current truth. As divine beings, we have often been astral traveling in our sleep. We love to be in the higher angelic realms where we are from evidently—it’s all Love and Light there all the time! 😇 😁 So when we come back into our bodies and wake up as a human on the planet, the densest negative energies, often from our childhoods or possibly past lives come up to the surface so that we can see that these energies are there and are just ready to be “released”.
We are strong and powerful divine beings with love and light as our true nature but when we were born we didn’t know this so these wounded parts of ourselves are taking longer to heal then we “expected”. If you had a narcissistic parent then you were unloved and had unmet needs day in and day out for years and years and so you have many layers of of small hurts and false beliefs about yourself that need reparented and comforted one by one. That may be discouraging to hear that it is going to take longer to heal than you expected but here is the good news. If you observe the big bad emotion you wake up with as just “information” about your past rather than your present truth you can transmute it in minutes!
First, describe the feeling and label it! What is this? Is it shame, dread, hopelessness, anxiety? Then you do the opposite of avoiding it, or believing it, or numbing it out by keeping busy—you go towards it and you write about it in your journal and you have compassion for yourself about it.
Or if you are already versed in this healing process you go right to a positive affirmation to retrain the neurons in your brain to go a more positive route. You recognize this bad feeling is your inner critic and not the truth. It is your survival “false” self that absorbed the bad feelings from others around you not knowing they weren’t your feelings. After all you were just a tiny child and had to believe what you were being “fed” to survive and to get along with your caretakers who didn’t SEE you for the gifted soul you were.
Most of you know this but if you are like me right now you are still surprised that you are still dealing with these long healed issues—especially in the last few months. It is my understanding that the last remnants of these layers are possibly the most painful and most deeply ingrained and you are strong enough now to finally look at them, acknowledge that it was even worse than you thought. So give yourself even more kindness, compassion and comforting reparenting than you ever have before. Extreme extreme self care (double extreme 😃) is in order whenever you wake up feeling bad!! Be nicer to yourself instead of harder to yourself. After all isn’t that what your narcissistic parent or bully said to you when they ran out of patience with you—they said “what’s wrong with you—why aren’t you over this yet—you should be feeling better by now—you are not doing as well as you thought”. See? These things you say to yourself are judgements you are making just like bullies or abusers did which is the opposite of the unconditional love and comfort you deserved back then and deserve now.
Sometimes it isn’t until we get out of our heads and start writing onto paper that we are even realizing we are beating ourselves up just like “they” did (if you had caretakers who maybe even did the best they could but were needy themselves so they didn’t have the patience that you needed as a highly sensitive soul who was sensitive for a very good reason.)
So now it is up to you. To KNOW you are pure love and light and when you wake up feeling bad you are to lovingly cleaning away the false residue, the past debris, that is covering up your beautiful brilliant lamp of love and light. You now have some more tools in your toolbox to lift yourself back up to where you belong.
Joy is your birthright and you are doing a great job figuring out how to shine what is rightfully yours every moment that you can. Be nicer to yourself when you feel bad not harder on yourself. You are training your brain to go positive quicker and quicker when you get better and better at replacing the doubts negative core beliefs with positive affirmations. You can do it! You are pure love and light.
Being a human is extremely complex! Be patient with this healing journey that you are on! You may be a sensitive soul who seeks safety and inner peace but you are also a tough warrior with new boundaries to take on this challenge of transmuting darkness into light on planet earth. You chose to come here because you knew you could be successful at finding your true voice and true self and shining your true light.
Just being here on the planet you emanate this light and love energy and it uplifts others who need it. You are making a difference just by being here. So relax and be patient with yourself. It takes time and there is plenty of time for all the things you want to do. Self-compassion and self-care is always time well spent.
Sensitive souls, I am so glad you are here on the planet with me. You make the planet a wonderful place to be. If we join forces we can move mountains. Thanks for reading and please reach out if you’d like one-on-one coaching. My email is firstname.lastname@example.org. Sometimes just having someone to see us and listen to our feelings with understanding can be so healing. I also offer distance Reiki and intuitive guidance during sessions as well—you design the sessions the way your heart desires.
I’m adding a link to my latest YouTube Video here of a recent performance of my original song, We Are Here To Love. The lyrics to this song just flowed out of me from beginning to end with no changes—it was magical. I feel now is the perfect time to share these lyrics with you.
Lyrics: -We Are Here To Love-
Trudging through the past debris, finding sparks of light
Holding onto highest hopes, knowing love is right
Seeing through the doubters’ eyes, knowing those above
Want us to believe and know, time is made for love
Chorus: We are here to love, We can fly with wings of time
When we feel the past, We must rise above and shine
We must rise above and shine, We must rise above and shine
Reminded who we are by pushing past the ego’s call
Kindness to ourselves is all we need to break the wall
Pieces still fall down on us, don’t misunderstand
Keep the rays of light around and hold each other’s hand
Chorus: We are here to love…
Verse not included in this video performance:
(Power from the latest move unearth’s a tender spot
Confusing inner child takes stage, plays out what we forgot
Kindness is in order now soothing wounds so raw
New aliveness, strength abounds, braving what we saw
Chorus:.. We Are Here to…)
Bridge: Learning to be still and yet, adversity remains
But even when we think we’ve stalled, we’ve unraveled many chains
Working hard it seems we have not played to really live
But underneath we somehow gain renewed hearts to give
Chorus: We are here to love…
Have faith and know that even in the hardest grief of times
You are loved and cheered about, so take in all the signs
Relish in the life you have, grateful for the rest
All will see the loveliness, you are a force for goodness
Chorus: We are here to love… You must rise above and shine… shine… shine You must rise above and shine. (slow end)
Original Song © Roxanne E. Smith
Until next time, With Love and Light,
Hi Everyone. I’m excited to write a new post and share the lyrics to a new song I just wrote. Life is full of change and growth for us highly sensitive souls, and new layers of childhood wounds seem to pop up when least expected. Abandonment wounds are some of the deepest and most painful. I woke up feeling terror for some reason and immediately got paper and pen to write out my feelings to sort it out. As always, I just started describing how I felt and I gained clarity about where the feelings were coming from and compassion for myself, and then I felt a song coming on.
When I start to write a song I always tell myself, this is for me only, and then I let the creativity flow. Later I decide if I want to share it or not and that takes pressure off the process of writing a good song. If it’s completely from the heart it’s always ends up “good” and this one flowed out from beginning to end with few changes. The words came first and then the melody was already there in my head too when I went back to read it. Adding a bridge came easily to make it more interesting and poof! Done! A new song!
The creativity process is so healing that the original pain is somehow transformed into a feeling of pride and achievement. When I first started writing songs I felt shame about them because I was exposing forbidden feelings often straight from my inner wounded child. If this shame happens to you, keep at it and share them only with a safe trusted friend who will help encourage you and not criticize. It’s amazing how healing writing can be. I kept my songs hidden for a long time and now I’m proud to share all of them because they help others! I’ll be adding more songs to this blog now–I’ve written quite a few that I’m ready to share.
This song is dedicated for those of you who have not yet found your voice yet to describe and heal unbearable emotions from childhood or trauma that often remain hidden until we are strong enough to release them.
I plan to start posting more posts again and I am going to be doing Coaching again on Wednesdays only too. My music and Coaching are going strong and for the first time I’ll be doing both. I’ll be performing more of my original songs of hope and healing now and sharing the videos here as well. So please stay tuned for more! 😀
Noone Was There (Hope for Abandonment Wounds from Childhood)
By Roxanne Smith
Feeling so alone. Can’t describe the pain.
Falling in a hole. Doom makes you insane.
Pain is not the truth. It’s just your darkest fear.
Noone was there to comfort you my dear.
Noone was there to comfort you my dear.
That is all it is. This dark and empty thought.
Fill it up with love and give it all you’ve got.
You know that love exists and it is All There Is.
So why not be the one to show us it exists.
So why not be the one to show us it exists.
It exists in every heart, not just a chosen few.
Every single human has the chance to renew.
When you’re feeling all the worst, hopeless feelings inside,
Love yourself so much, so much more than you ever tried.
Love yourself so much, so much more than you ever tried.
You didn’t know how empty, how raw you could feel.
Writing is the way, to fill you up with love and heal.
And when you forget and you’re feeling really low.
Ask for help from the Angels who will guide you how to go.
Ask for help from the Angels who will guide you how to go.
They love you all the time, but you can’t tell they’re there.
Unless you ask for help, you don’t know how much they care.
Pain is not your truth, It’s just your darkest fear.
Noone was there to comfort you my dear.
Noone was there to comfort you my dear.
Comfort is there, when you’re feeling lost.
Let the Angels in, when you’re feeling tossed.
They are always there, when you feel alone.
Love yourself so much until you feel home.
Home is in your heart, it just gets covered up.
It feels so far away, but it’s always close enough.
All the comfort that you wish for, is already there.
Just let yourself believe Heaven really cares.
Just let your self believe Heaven really cares.
No one was there (slow to end) to comfort you my dear.
Original Song © 2018 Roxanne Smith
Sending comforting, caring wishes to all!
Hello everyone. Whenever I write a new post, I “tune in” to you, my readers, and write from my heart. Sometimes I plan what I am going to write and other times I write something entirely different from what I had planned. At the beginning I used to worry, “how can I top that last post”, but now I just trust in the process and I know that what I write will turn out all right.
It is wonderful to feel such confidence. It is such a contrast to how I used to feel years ago before I gained access to the truth of who I am. It was “self-doubt”–a looming horrible anxious feeling of dread and guilt…or more often a feeling of numbness and compulsions to avoid feelings by keeping busy with tasks that I felt I “should” be doing. I had no access to my truth–I had hidden away my truth to protect myself from the unbearable pain that I experienced as a child.
Through my journaling I discovered a process that helped me to heal more than anything else I tried–it was writing out my pain from my inner child’s point of view. I knew from all of my reading and training in psychology that blocks happen in childhood–and I had been encouraged by two helpful counselors to continue to write out my feelings in order to uncover them (I had been writing poems about my feelings since the age of 14).
Writing from my inner child’s perspective just kind of naturally happened and I found it to be the most powerful healing tool in my own recovery. I discovered “her” voice by writing out “her” pain and then I had no choice but to feel compassion for what “she” went through and over time “she” became clearly “Me”! And as I began trusting in this process of trusting “her” view of what had happened to me I began trusting my self. My inner dialogue then gradually changed from critical to compassionate. I remember that I started feeling emotions that had previously been repressed and could then label them.
I was excited about this process. For example, I’d be at the grocery store and suddenly become aware of a feeling such as shame and say to myself , “this feeling is really familiar but I never knew until now that it is “shame”. Wow this is shame from my childhood coming up.” I realized I was feeling these feelings for the first time since I had hidden them away in childhood. Rather then get caught up in them I was able to observe them and acknowledge them and release them. I would often go right away and write in my journal about the origins of these painful feelings. Repressed memories would often come back to me during these times. It wasn’t always so simple–sometimes I would unconsciously drag my husband into a drama only to discover I was replaying a trauma from childhood so that I could finally voice my feelings of anger, grief, or fear to my envisioned N parent. My knowledge of what was happening luckily allowed me to be aware of the process of healing–I would quickly reassure my husband what was happening so that he could then support the release of my feelings as a supportive witness without feeling blamed in any way. Seeing me recover my feelings in such a way and feel relief helped my husband to understand this healing process as well and he began processing his childhood pain in a similar way (he had a Narcissistic parent too).
I am planning to put together a book in which I include the best of my healing writings directly from my journals that show this process of healing first hand from age 18 to the present. Although it will be very personal I am hoping that it will help others to heal and develop compassion for their inner child and what they went through if they are unable to write out their feelings in such a way that I was able–I consider it a gift that I was able to do this and I am grateful to have such a vivid memoir of my recovery. I believe this gift of writing I have been given is another way that I can help other highly sensitive souls to recover and to help them to feel relief from the inner prison of emotional abuse by a Narcissistic parent. Please let me know if you would be interested in reading such a book.
Recently I wrote the following poem when I “tuned in” to you, my readers and fellow highly sensitive survivors. I was planning to save it for my book but I have decided to share it with you now instead to show an example one of the kinds of writings that will be included. Here it is:
Poem of Hope and Healing for the Highly Sensitive Survivor
By Roxanne E. Smith
March 22, 2011
Pain so deep, I can’t see the light
I know it’s there but it’s not very bright
The sadness is thick, despair all around
I envision a child giving up with no sound
Pain so deep, I hide all my hope
Afraid to come out, I feel like a dope
Worthless and horrible, don’t ever try
The pain is unbearable, can’t even cry
I can’t feel the love, I need it so bad!
So much fear without it, it’s really so sad!’
I am feeling much better just admitting this truth
You have to have love when you’re in your youth!
Without love you can’t heal all the hurts that come by
When bad things do happen we need love when we cry
Someone has to hold us and give us new hope
If there’s no one for comfort than there’s no way to cope
No wonder I hid my talents away
When I would do well then I was their prey
The taunting, the teasing, “Who do you think you are?”
Shame became my deepest scar
But who was this child all hidden in shame
An innocent victim who will never be the same?
She thinks she is nothing but she is so wrong
The truth is she’s beautiful, wise, and so strong
Scoop up that child all broken and battered
Love her and hug her and tell her she matters
She’s awesome and wonderful, they were so wrong
Talented, creative , and smart all along
Sensitive soul you were so beaten down
But you figured it out and now you can leave town
You’re safe now and free–no more bullies outside
Shine your light, spread your wings, don’t believe all the lies
Be kind to yourself when the pain comes back ’round
Love yourself through it, your true self is found
You know the truth and now you can be free
Fear is from “them”–in the past, don’t you see?
Relax into the pain and it will dissipate
Because the pain is from lies and it’s never too late!
To believe in yourself and your talents and dreams
You are good at compassion and so many things
They did not want you to succeed with your gifts
So they made you give up and they threatened with fists
You were small so you gave up but now you are grown
You can heal all the pain and make it now on your own
You can do it!–the words you’ve long waited to hear
Say them to your self! And say NO to the fear!
Give them back all the bad feelings that they gave to you
Imagine this energy going outward from you
Then let in the light and the love from a place
Where angels don’t want you to live in disgrace
You know what love is because you give it so freely
To others who need it when they’re feeling needy
Give to your self all this love all the time!
You will find your true purpose and all will be fine
These lessons are so hard that we learn from our pain
But we discover our strengths again and again
So sensitive souls who survived from abuse
Your gifts are so needed to be put to good use
I know how you feel and I hope you feel better
Because we can overcome it if we do it together!
I hope that this poem has helped you to feel loved
You are!–and I send it to you from above!
I understand and I want to comfort your pain
I hope this is helpful. Love, Roxanne Elaine
Hi everyone. It’s November!—and there’s a briskness in the air and the awareness of the holidays approaching. For many highly sensitive survivors that comes with a bitter-sweet feeling–of light and love from God above (the true reason for the season) mixed with the grief of a lost childhood and sad or painful holiday memories of being misunderstood and diminished. Or it can be an overwhelming feeling of dread on some days for many reasons related to your present relationship with your some bullies in your life, and on other days of stress–being caught up in the busy-ness of getting ready for the big days ahead for your loved ones–often too busy to feel anything at all.
Depending on where you are in your recovery, it is normal for you to be feeling all of these different ways. Be kind to yourself no matter how you are feeling and please try to slow down, breathe deeply and take self-care breaks–stop and be aware of the negative messages in your head and change them to kind words that you deserved as a child such as: Everything is going to be all right, You are doing a good job, It’s okay to make mistakes, You are special, deep, and a rare gift to this planet.
Affirmations you can say to yourself are: I love and approve of myself, I am safe, and, my favorite, I give myself permission to be the best that I can be. This last one is helpful especially because often others may have been threatened and jealous of your gifts and so, sensing this, because you were highly sensitive and empathic, you protected them by hiding your gifts away so they would feel better. Giving yourself permission to be the best that you can be can be so empowering and satisfying–like suddenly realizing, “Oh, wow, I don’t have to protect anyone anymore and I can just relax and be awesome!” Many of you feel guilty for everything even for your own creative and artistic gifts! A caretaker from childhood may have caused you to feel shame for expressing them. Please take your gifts out of hiding and take a good look at the truth of the gifts and talents that you brought with you to this planet. They are your gifts and yours alone and you deserve to enjoy and feel good about them and share them with others!
For more about overcoming creative self-doubt please read my post from January 28, 2010 On Overcoming Self-doubt–The Story Behind My Songs Of Hope and Healing.
Hello to all of you sensitive souls. I hope you are enjoying this beautiful week of Indian Summer we are having. The news says that most of the U.S. is experiencing gorgeous mild temperatures and colorful changing leaves right now. It is definitely my favorite time of the year and it feels like such a gift from above now that I can relax and take it in and be in the moment and fully appreciate it. As many of you who follow my blog already know, it wasn’t always this way for me. I used to be numb to my feelings, keeping too busy to feel, compelled to be a people-pleaser and a perfectionist, and full of self-doubt and anxiety.
There are many facets to my journey to finding my voice as a person, many of which I describe on my blog so that I might inspire other highly sensitive people (HSPs) to believe in their dreams. Writing out my feelings in a journal has been one of these many facets that contributed to my awakening to my true spirit which was hiding inside. I have been writing poetry in a journal since the age of 14, but it wasn’t until about 2002 that I set out to to try to do Julia Cameron’s morning pages (3 pages of free writing every day) which turned out to be extremely therapeutic “inner grief work” that took place over a period of 5 years. It was during this period that I wrote about the feeling that I was “growing a backbone” and this felt very miraculous indeed. I knew I was finding my voice finally and it had been hidden away in fear for so long. I was writing songs and poetry and it never really occurred to me to seriously share them with others until one day when an extra special one poured out of me. When I wrote this poem, it dawned on me that I had been transformed and now, finally, I could reach out and help others–something I had always wanted to do but I always felt I had to figure myself out first. I had a new found sense of self and there was no going back. I am very happy to be sharing it with you today.
After I wrote this poem, I got the idea to write a book sharing many of my poems and my growth along the way to finding my voice and that this poem would be the final one in the book–a finale of sorts. However, since then I have written even more special poems and songs so I have decided to go ahead and share a shortened version of it here in my blog. (I haven’t written my book yet but I plan to start it in the near future.) This very special poem is entitled, “Joy, Our Birthright, Waiting There”. I want to explain that I wrote this with my children in mind– when I say “and I was never there for you the way I thought I was, it’s true”. What this means is when I went through growth and gradually had more access to my true self, then I couldn’t help but feel regret about the past when I had been doing my best but I was not able to be my strong confident true self yet. When I expressed this regret to my children expecting them to agree and feel relief and tell me it had been hard for them, they both instead said they always felt I was always emotionally available to them and it meant a lot to them that I always apologized to them whenever I made emotional mistakes and they felt fully validated at each step along the way in their upbringing. For this I feel extremely grateful because nothing has ever been more important to me than my children feeling good about themselves and their unique gifts and breaking the cycle of dysfunction that my husband and I experienced as children. Still…I can’t help but wish I knew then what I know now….
So here it is:
Joy, Our Birthright, Waiting There
By Roxanne Smith
Feb 21, 2007
Telling someone helped me heal
All the pain inside was real
No wonder I had been so tired
My whole heart had been so mired
So much grief to lead the way
Let it out, so much to say
I was never there for you
The way I thought I was, it’s true
Because I was empty – none to give
Alive but I just now learned to live
Soulful is the proper word
I have “me” – it sounds absurd
Let your painful feelings out
You can’t be whole and live without
Expression of unfairness do
Your soul will help you live anew
And learn compassion for your self
Don’t put feelings on a shelf
Any doubt is harmful thought
The truth is–look how far you got!
Negativity and blocks
To true self and joyful shocks
Being blamed can stunt our growth
Fear of feelings: anger, both
Also fearing joy and bliss
Pain comes up and we all miss
The connection to our rightful heir
Joy, our birthright, waiting there!
Love is what we all deserve
Joy it feels when then observed
Share it then and it comes back
Filling up the past we lacked
Helping others heal their wounds
Nothing like it – glowing moons
Stars are twinkling, warming sun
Nature loves us one by one
Let the love come down on you
It is there don’t block the view
Doubts of self will keep it blocked
You must trust your soul’l be rocked!
With this truth I’m trying to tell
Creative soul fear-blocked is hell
Heaven is a word away
Love is here please let it stay
You deserve its welcome home
Inside you it does belong
Love yourself I’m trying to say
God is trying – just light the way
Ask him to comfort your soul
Believe! And he will rock and roll!
I’m not kidding this I know
I let out grief and felt a glow
A light inside I did believe
I’m OK. I feel. I grieve.
Compulsions all have fear beneath
God has no “shoulds” or “work hard” teeth
Be yourself and kindness do
Serve to help others heal anew
Help them see that love transcends
We can all relax and mend
“Relax and enjoy your life
and everything will be alright!”
This phrase came in a dream so real
I hope this poem will help you heal
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
Hi everyone. Michael Jackson was definitely a highly sensitive person (HSP) with a narcissistic father and he suffered from much childhood pain because of it. There has been a lot about him on the news again lately. So it seemed timely and appropriate for me to write this post about him.
I think it is wonderful that they are doing a remake of his co-written song “We Are The World” to raise money for Haiti. Also, the DVD of “This Is It” just came out and I bought a copy yesterday. On Sunday, I cried when his two oldest children spoke at the Grammys. I am always surprised at my strong reaction. It reminded me of my severe and unusual reaction to his death and especially watching his funeral on TV. I cried, sobbed, and grieved non-stop for 3 hours watching it. I was shocked at my reaction. I had been a fan but I hadn’t been a devoted fan in his recent years. It made me look at a deeper part of myself and how important music was to me and how fearless he was about expressing it. I didn’t know how much I loved him until he was gone.
I had been profoundly affected by his musical gift as a child and watched him on TV every chance I got. I had two Jackson5 albums which I can remember joyfully singing and dancing to in my room. I’ll never forget how, in sixth grade, my classmates and I practiced a line dance to Rockin Robin everyday at recess. And I can still remember where I was when the Thriller video came out. The Thriller album was the last album of his that I bought and I am ashamed to admit that in his later years I gave up on him due to the media’s negative slant on his behavior.
For two weeks after he died I could do nothing else but watch and record everything about him on TV at the time. I know now he was innocent of everything he was accused of. My family thought this all very odd of me and, although supportive, they couldn’t really relate to it. All I knew was my heart was grief-stricken. And so I wrote this poem (as I often do to relieve myself of my pain) and it helped. Here it is:
My Ode to Michael Jackson
By Roxanne E. Smith
July 7, 2009
Your light was bright when mine was dim.
You gave me hope. Felt I could win.
When as a child with doubt within
My love for music did begin
You showed me how to celebrate
Life is good whatever your state
There’s something to look forward to
God must be good ’cause he gave us you
Now I know how to dance and sing
My soul said yes this is my thing.
When so alone you were right there
Telling my soul remember you care
“You care about this music stuff.
You forget to sing and dance enough
It fills your heart with joy to do it.
Music! You’re important to it.”
My heart aches that you’re not here
The gift you gave was oh so clear
We didn’t know how dear you were
Now that you’re gone the silence stirs
Can we keep up this music gift?
Share our hearts and move our hips
Can we still feel joy again?
Who will show us how, my friend?
I will try to keep up my end
Music has helped me transcend
From frightened child to now a voice
You have helped me make that choice
Music it can change a life.
Give new courage, heal the strife.
Sharing feelings gives them strength
You have helped me see this. Thanks!
I am still so sad and lost.
You gave your all and look the cost.
Now you are in bliss with God
Without you here it seems so odd.
What is there to sing about?
I don’t want to do without
Not that I’m as good as you
But God gave me the singing too
Maybe I’m supposed to sing
Because I love to do this thing
And write these songs and play guitar
Give to others near and far
Look at singing as a gift
To other people as a lift
Not be so focused on my self
And get my writings off the shelf
And share with others what I do
And be a little bit like you
‘cause you had compassion just like me
Your life and death has set me free
Thank you Michael for helping me.
Thanks for reading. Today I am going to release the audio for my song “Free To Live.” This song always takes me from feeling bad to feeling good and I hope it has the same effect for you.
I felt it was appropriate to release this song tied into this post–because, as we all can relate as highly sensitive souls and a difficult childhood, Michael Jackson often did not feel…Free To Live! Thank you again to my readers. I care and I am here for you.
With Love, Roxanne
CLICK HERE TO LISTEN->Free To Live (For the lyrics, click on the song title under Pages on the side bar on the top right.)
*You may listen to my songs for free on this website. If you would like to save or download my songs though, please make a donation. Thank you for your support!