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Tag Archives: empath

A Healing Poem for Sensitive Souls with a Narcissistic Mother on 11-11.

Hello Everyone!¬† Many sensitive, and empathic souls and clients are having childhood wounds arise to the surface to be healed.¬† It can be a very painful experience.¬† It’s also an opportunity to heal and become stronger.¬† I hope this poem I wrote recently is helpful, uplifting, and supportive. If you resonate, please leave a comment and maybe we’ll create a tribe for support.¬† Welcome!

YOU WERE NEVER LOVED, MY DEAR (Healing Shame From Childhood Wounds)                By Roxanne Elaine Smith

When you had a narcissistic mom

Where’s the next hit coming from

Not a hit with fist or hand

But words and eyes that punch and land

*

Devastating to your soul

Nothing solid to take hold

No mirror to see your worth

No smiles and comfort so you search

*

You search for reasons, blame yourself

Shame and doubt instead of stealth

It robs you of the truth and time

You were sweet and so sublime

*

You were shining, curious love

Sent to earth from up above

But chose the hardest path to start

A childhood starved from feeling part

*

Everywhere you reached was blocked

So you gave up and heart was locked

Trust too much or not enough

Attracting all similar stuff

*

Until you realize the pattern here

You were never loved, my dear

Start from scratch and loving you

Oh it is so hard to do

*

At first because the triggers are

Relieving painful trauma jars

Shocking you right to your core

‚ÄúHow did I survive Oh Lord‚ÄĚ

*

You didn’t! No you gave up YOU

And turned into a mask not true

Obedient and needy so

People-please and perfection oh

*

Trying oh so many things

Until your true voice finally sings

But shame comes up with every truth

The pattern hidden from your youth

*

Every time you were you, you were shamed

Have to get YOU back again

Ignore the shame and keep on moving

Rise above shame and keep on grooving

*

Yell at shame, you are not mine

Dance out shame, I am just fine

Shame keeps coming every time

Hiding doesn’t heal the crime

*

Only way is to see the child

Inside the parents who went wild

Spilling out their pain on you

Everything it was not true

*

You were perfect whole and right

Their fear and anguish like a blight

They felt safe because of you

Your light it was so bright it’s true

*

Not fair of course you deserved the world

You knew that you could heal and unfurl

Figure it all out you would

And love yourself just as you should

*

And finally learn strong boundaries

And attract those loving hercules

Those strong people, inner strength

Like you they’ve been put up to the brink

*

The death of soul and now awake

They search for tribes to quell and quake

Masterful and sensitive

They forgive and give and give and give

*

And you know you are one of them

And renewed hope on journey stems

Trying listening within

Trusting that love is what went dim

*

Self compassion is your chore

As shame returns with each great score

Reducing size or is it growing

Heal emotions and new knowing

*

Center, grounding, peace of mind

Solid forming, still maligned

Defensiveness and anger flare

But forgiving quicker in thin air

*

Believing in the moment’s peace

That’s the truth not all the fleece

Still confusing childhood wounds

Where’s the love-so many moods

*

Why the deep and painful purge

Feel relief when follow urge

Writing helps you flow it out

The truth is innocence about

*

All of it you chose but why

More than you can fathom, sigh

Others seem to simply thrive

Private hell they do deny

*

Good to have access to love

Reach for heaven up above

But also know you are whole and kind

Lovely you, you shine, shine, shine

*

Then loved ones blame‚ÄĒit all comes back

Another painful self attack

Oh the grief you must allow

The child must cry it out oh wow

*

Will the tears they ever stop

When your happy bubble popped

Self-reliant muscle test

You are getting strongest yet

*

See yourself that child hugged

Held and cherished sweetest mug

Smiles and happy to see you

Healing all that you’ve been through

*

It’s okay to cry a lot

Over things that most forgot

Disappointment to your core

Life goes on with all the sores

*

Want them all to go away

Triggers say hello today

Do not put it all on you!

Bask in love all the day through

*

When you find a sea of pain

That is someone else’s train

Let them drive on their own track

Do not let them take a snack

*

Send them love and move along

You know how you are so strong

You do so much for others

Time to be your own best mother

*

Nurture, comfort, love your soul

You are here to Rock n Roll

Everything is now alright

You are purely Love and Light

Original Poem © Roxanne E. Smith

 

With deep caring, comfort, and compassion,

Roxanne ūüėáūüíĖ‚ú®

P.S. See more healing poems and writings here

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High Expectations? New Tools For Sensitive Souls’ Healing Journeys.

Hello Everyone!  I haven‚Äôt written for a while because I‚Äôve been so busy just observing this emotional roller coaster ride of the last couple months‚ÄĒit‚Äôs been hard to put into words!  It has propelled me into journaling more to get clarity and as always when I write I am able to access a higher perspective of ‚Äúwhat the heck is going on now‚ÄĚ! ūüė≥ūüôŹūüėÜHaha! I‚Äôve learned a few things and so I feel ready to share some of the positive things to give all of you sensitive souls on this spiritual journey a boost to feel better about EVERYTHING!

What a roller coaster ride!  By this I mean Ups and Downs and Curves and Surprises and Shocks! Can you relate? But at the end of a roller coaster ride at an amusement park, the end of the ride comes with a slowing down and a smooth safe feeling until it comes to a stop and you get off and everyone is all smiles and Gee that was fun.  Well, in general I mean haha, and only because you knew it was temporary‚ÄĒit was a ride you took by choice and it was a safe way to experience a thrill and know it would be over soon.  

Compare that to this incarnation of life on this planet. As sensitive souls, we are highly evolved divine beings here to help, but we have expectations of smooth sailing and love and abundance. I really think it is these expectations that contribute to us getting stuck in the lows on the roller coaster that we experience.  

All of this is coming up for me to talk about I believe because of this last full moon on October 13-yesterday!  If you are like me you may have noticed that you are very sensitive to cosmic changes to the planet and Full Moons and New Moons etc..  I am not very educated in astrology but I find myself searching for YouTube videos to explain what‚Äôs going on cosmically at certain times when I‚Äôm feeling out of balance and sure enough it is a full moon or a solar flare or something like this causing our distress and it all resonates and gives a sense of relief.  

I get some reassurance from the information I watch or read from elsewhere but often times I am searching and don‚Äôt find what I need to feel inner peace‚ÄĒthen I am forced to write and then I realize as I connect to my higher self, my inner wisdom, my spirit team, my angels, the Universe, God, whatever you want to call ‚ÄúIT‚ÄĚ.

I am then reminded that all my answers for my own inner peace can be found ‚Äúwithin‚ÄĚ.  I know this but why do I keep forgetting it?  Looking for outside validation has been ingrained in us as humans on this planet and we all feel this‚ÄĒtrying to fit in and feel understood by other humans‚ÄĒwanting a tribe or even one other person who understands us and makes us feel reassured and comforted that we are OKAY and that what we are feeling is OKAY and that there is hope and that everything is going to be OKAY.

This neediness we feel is understandable‚ÄĒas highly sensitive, compassionate, evolved souls we are awakening spiritually but we are straddling 2 worlds. We are trying to make it in the 3D world and pay our bills etc. and also looking at the higher perspective of the 5D spiritual world for deeper meaning and understanding of why we are here, keeping our vibration high, and living in the moment to access the unconditional love that we have resonated with as Yes, This is it! All is well! We want that feeling everyday, all the time, every morning when we wake up.

But what I am understanding is, when we wake up in the morning with horrible dread and feeling bad about being here on the planet we need to observe this as information and not as our current truth.  As divine beings, we have often been astral traveling in our sleep. We love to be in the higher angelic realms where we are from evidently‚ÄĒit‚Äôs all Love and Light there all the time! ūüėá ūüėĀ So when we come back into our bodies and wake up as a human on the planet, the densest negative energies, often from our childhoods or possibly past lives come up to the surface so that we can see that these energies are there and are just ready to be ‚Äúreleased‚ÄĚ. 

We are strong and powerful divine beings with love and light as our true nature but when we were born we didn‚Äôt know this so these wounded parts of ourselves are taking longer to heal then we ‚Äúexpected‚ÄĚ. If you had a narcissistic parent then you were unloved and had unmet needs day in and day out for years and years and so you have many layers of of small hurts and false beliefs about yourself that need reparented and comforted one by one. That may be discouraging to hear that it is going to take longer to heal than you expected but here is the good news.  If you observe the big bad emotion you wake up with as just ‚Äúinformation‚ÄĚ about your past rather than your present truth you can transmute it in minutes!  

First, describe the feeling and label it!  What is this? Is it shame, dread, hopelessness, anxiety? Then you do the opposite of avoiding it, or believing it, or numbing it out by keeping busy‚ÄĒyou go towards it and you write about it in your journal and you have compassion for yourself about it. 

Or if you are already versed in this healing process you go right to a positive affirmation to retrain the neurons in your brain to go a more positive route.  You recognize this bad feeling is your inner critic and not the truth.  It is your survival ‚Äúfalse‚ÄĚ self that absorbed the bad feelings from others around you not knowing they weren‚Äôt your feelings.  After all you were just a tiny child and had to believe what you were being ‚Äúfed‚ÄĚ to survive and to get along with your caretakers who didn‚Äôt SEE you for the gifted soul you were.

Most of you know this but if you are like me right now you are still surprised that you are still dealing with these long healed issues‚ÄĒespecially in the last few months.  It is my understanding that the last remnants of these layers are possibly the most painful and most deeply ingrained and you are strong enough now to finally look at them, acknowledge that it was even worse than you thought.  So give yourself even more kindness, compassion and comforting reparenting than you ever have before. Extreme extreme self care (double extreme ūüėÉ) is in order whenever you wake up feeling bad!!  Be nicer to yourself instead of harder to yourself.  After all isn‚Äôt that what your narcissistic parent or bully said to you when they ran out of patience with you‚ÄĒthey said ‚Äúwhat‚Äôs wrong with you‚ÄĒwhy aren‚Äôt you over this yet‚ÄĒyou should be feeling better by now‚ÄĒyou are not doing as well as you thought‚ÄĚ.  See? These things you say to yourself are judgements you are making just like bullies or abusers did which is the opposite of the unconditional love and comfort you deserved back then and deserve now.  

Sometimes it isn‚Äôt until we get out of our heads and start writing onto paper that we are even realizing we are beating ourselves up just like ‚Äúthey‚ÄĚ did (if you had caretakers who maybe even did the best they could but were needy themselves so they didn‚Äôt have the patience that you needed as a highly sensitive soul who was sensitive for a very good reason.)

So now it is up to you. To KNOW you are pure love and light and when you wake up feeling bad you are to lovingly cleaning away the false residue, the past debris, that is covering up your beautiful brilliant lamp of love and light. You now have some more tools in your toolbox to lift yourself back up to where you belong.

Joy is your birthright and you are doing a great job figuring out how to shine what is rightfully yours every moment that you can. Be nicer to yourself when you feel bad not harder on yourself. You are training your brain to go positive quicker and quicker when you get better and better at replacing the doubts negative core beliefs with positive affirmations.  You can do it!  You are pure love and light.

Being a human is extremely complex!  Be patient with this healing journey that you are on!  You may be a sensitive soul who seeks safety and inner peace but you are also a tough warrior with new boundaries to take on this challenge of transmuting darkness into light on planet earth.  You chose to come here because you knew you could be successful at finding your true voice and true self and shining your true light.

Just being here on the planet you emanate this light and love energy and it uplifts others who need it. You are making a difference just by being here. So relax and be patient with yourself. It takes time and there is plenty of time for all the things you want to do. Self-compassion and self-care is always time well spent.  

Sensitive souls, I am so glad you are here on the planet with me. You make the planet a wonderful place to be. If we join forces we can move mountains. Thanks for reading and please reach out if you‚Äôd like one-on-one coaching.  My email is hopesinger11@gmail.com. Sometimes just having someone to see us and listen to our feelings with understanding can be so healing.  I also offer distance Reiki and intuitive guidance during sessions as well‚ÄĒyou design the sessions the way your heart desires. 

I‚Äôm adding a link to my latest YouTube Video here of a recent performance of my original song, We Are Here To Love. The lyrics to this song just flowed out of me from beginning to end with no changes‚ÄĒit was magical. I feel now is the perfect time to share these lyrics with you.

Lyrics: -We Are Here To Love-

Trudging through the past debris, finding sparks of light

Holding onto highest hopes, knowing love is right

Seeing through the doubters’ eyes, knowing those above

Want us to believe and know, time is made for love

Chorus: We are here to love, We can fly with wings of time

When we feel the past, We must rise above and shine

We must rise above and shine, We must rise above and shine

 

Reminded who we are by pushing past the ego’s call

Kindness to ourselves is all we need to break the wall

Pieces still fall down on us, don’t misunderstand

Keep the rays of light around and hold each other’s hand

Chorus: We are here to love…

Verse not included in this video performance:

(Power from the latest move unearth’s a tender spot

Confusing inner child takes stage, plays out what we forgot

Kindness is in order now soothing wounds so raw

New aliveness, strength abounds, braving what we saw

Chorus:.. We Are Here to…)

Bridge: Learning to be still and yet, adversity remains

But even when we think we’ve stalled, we’ve unraveled many chains

Working hard it seems we have not played to really live

But underneath we somehow gain renewed hearts to give

Chorus: We are here to love…

Have faith and know that even in the hardest grief of times

You are loved and cheered about, so take in all the signs

Relish in the life you have, grateful for the rest

All will see the loveliness, you are a force for goodness

Chorus: We are here to love… You must rise above and shine… shine… shine You must rise above and shine. (slow end)

Original Song © Roxanne E. Smith

 

Until next time, With Love and Light,

Roxanne ‚úĆÔłŹūüôŹūüíĖ‚ú®   

New Channeled Angel Message: August Update For Empaths and Lightworkers

Hello Everyone!  These messages are to be shared for all who resonate and are open to receiving spiritual guidance.  This includes Empaths, Highly Sensitive People (HSPs), Lightworkers, Spiritually Awakening Souls, Earth Angels, and to all Seekers and Open-hearted souls.

This message will be added my Channeled Angel Messages Page on my blog that has posts of angel messages that I am now posting there weekly or bi-weekly.  There you will find all the other messages from 6 archangel guides (most of the time it is 6 but it changes) that I have posted since November, 2018. Please comment if you like receiving the angel messages in my blog posts. I’d love to hear from you.

Peace and Love to you,

Roxanne Elaine Smith¬†ūüíó

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Channeled Angel Message Aug. 5, 2019: Trying New Things And Getting New Wings

Dear Ones,

We are so happy to connect with you again.  Many of you are exhausted and surprised by the challenges of July.  We are here to tell you to trust that your higher self has conspired to help you become stronger so all of your dreams can come true.  When we say all of your dreams we mean the desires in your heart that are for your highest good as a soul.  We are not talking about desires from the ego but you do not need to concern yourself with this.  You can trust that you are being lead to situations that override any lower vibrations that block your vision. 

Feelings of a lower vibration are on their way out as the true purity of your loving souls are attracting just the goodness your soul is seeking.  You are doing a good job discerning how to spend your energy each day and following your heart.  Yes it is through building this muscle of trusting your feelings and intuition that you will be able to step into empowerment and shine your full light to attract abundance.

We are so proud of you.¬† We see you stepping out of your comfort zone to try new things that feel right as your next steps,¬† Bravo! You are doing great even though you may feel surprised at the nervousness you feel inside‚ÄĒa little shaky at times.¬† This is to be expected and we want you to love yourself through this nervousness.¬† We want to reassure you that no-one notices this that you feel is obvious to others.¬† You come across more confident than you think you do.¬† Taking a moment to remember to breathe and speak from the self-power-awareness in your solar plexus area will help you to regain your composure and speak your truth if you encounter an unexpected response from others.¬†

Remember your bright light and your mission of love and all you learned in July.  You may have learned that although you have the right to release anger from your past, expressing anger or any negativity to others does not get you the results you desire in your heart.  You’ve learned that softening, taking a breath and seeing another’s negativity from a higher perspective opens the other person in ways that surprise even them.  You are changing long instilled patterns of reacting and this is so wonderful.  Even if you aren’t seeing results in others yet, know you are changing patterns of triggers with yourself in big ways.  You know what treatment you deserve and by giving yourself this loving better treatment you will attract this better treatment from others. 

You might be asking isn‚Äôt it obvious‚ÄĒI‚Äôm so innocent of any wrong doing? But in that same breath are you seeing that in the past you have had a bit of a controlling side that you were blind to.¬† Do not be hard on yourself if you resonate with this truth‚ÄĒthis was a self-protection that was necessary to your survival in the past¬† But now you see that love is not controlling and you are ending this pattern of controlling yourself and others.¬† This is resulting in healing the codependency on others and needing outside validation to quell your fear of being alone.¬†

You see that when you connect with your true higher self of pure love, this alone feeling vanishes and you feel whole.  And so you are able more and more to detach from unhealthy dependency and stand strong and know you are a powerful creator.  Even if you are only starting to get glimpses of this independent power inside yourself, know that this will not go away and will only grow stronger.  Your higher self has guided you through some painful reopening of rejection wounds that have helped you to see you must stand on your own 2 feet and you can’t rely on anyone else to understand your unique dreams and help them come to fruition. 

You are actually the leader due to your emotional strength even though less sensitive others may point out weaknesses.  Don’t believe it!  These comments come out of fear of not being right due to insecurities they have not worked through but you have.  Don’t try to explain but just know in your heart that you are growing so strong and you are loved and supported fully by the higher realms who see your budding wings growing and getting ready to fly. 

Trust yourself to know your own pace as you try new things that are scary.¬† Shame may arise with attempts at revealing your real self and true voice but know this is only the inner critic ego voice trying to protect you.¬† Keep moving forward after comforting yourself through this old shame that arises.¬† You may find you need to grieve and cry about the times you believed this shame in the past‚ÄĒshame can rob sensitive souls of opportunities to shine if it is believed and fed into.¬†

It‚Äôs best to label the emotion when it arises and don‚Äôt let it take hold‚ÄĒobserve it and say something like, ‚ÄúOkay, I see you, shame.¬† I see you are here because I did something great for myself so I am not going to listen to you.¬† Go away shame energy!‚Ä̬† Visualize this negative energy going away from you.¬† Put up your magic bubble that you can visualize‚ÄĒimagine your shining light can go outward through your bubble but negative energy can only leave and cannot come back in.¬†

Oh doesn’t that feel better! Take a big deep breath, exhale and relax and know you are safe in only your own loving energies inside this bubble.  We hope you use this bubble visualization anytime you feel heavy negative feelings come out of the blue.  Also remember to write out your feelings in a journal if you feel stuck.  This writing works because you get the negative thoughts out of your left brain and onto paper and the act of writing connects you to the compassionate right side of the brain that can then comfort you and help you realize that you are being too hard on yourself. 

We hope these techniques help you as you take amazing steps of bravery to share your creative gifts and services with the world.  We are so proud of you and we are happy to have this opportunity to connect with you again.  We want to share that August will have more smoother times that you’ve created for yourself by healing deep inner wounds in July.

Yes there will be some emotional healing to do in your future of course‚ÄĒthis self-growth process is well known to you and for most of you, the hardest parts are now behind you.¬† You know this on some level. Trust in this knowing about yourself.¬† You are a powerful healer and you are becoming more comfortable with this truth.¬† Congratulations for hard work well done!¬† We love you and send hugs of comfort and encouragement to shine strong until the next message, Archangel (AA) Muriel (AA of Empaths), AA Jophiel (AA of Creativity and Beauty), AA Chamuel (AA of Comfort), AA Sandalphon (Archangel of Grounding and Music), AA Uriel (AA of Wisdom), and AA Azrael (AA of Grieving Loss and Transitions).

Sensitive Soul With a Narcissistic Parent? Here’s Hope To Cheer Up That Dread In the Morning Feeling!

Hello Everyone. If you feel like me this morning, you need some cheering up.  So I’m here to tell you that you are so much more than you feel.  Underneath the unworthy feeling and dread of being here on the planet is a soul with an inner child who is actually so full of life and joy.

Maybe you‚Äôve gotten glimpses of your true amazing self recently and started actualizing some of your dreams but now the unworthiness is back and you feel lost.¬† Know that you are healing. “Big Time Inner Healing” is going on on the planet right now.¬† No you have not stepped backwards.¬† If you had a narcissistic parent or a mother who was too steeped in her own pain to give you what you needed, how is that pain ever going to heal if it is always pushed down and ignored?

So it is bubbling up to the surface to say hello and for you to love yourself through it.¬† You might be saying, I can‚Äôt get anything done this week‚ÄĒI am feeling like such a failure.¬† Look at it from a different perspective. Maybe reality is like this:¬† You had a great productive run there for a while and now is the perfect time for you to take some self-care time for yourself and look at some old wounds that keep popping up and holding you back. Whatever you are feeling you have good reasons for feeling it!

As a child you may have been neglected, shamed, humiliated, abandoned, betrayed, ganged up on by siblings, or ________ fill in the blank. You did a good job surviving the best that you could. You developed a deep unworthiness and a feeling that you‚Äôre not good enough as a tiny child when in fact you were great at most things.¬† You were deeply disappointed that you were not ‚Äúseen‚ÄĚ and it made no sense.¬† But now you know.¬†

You know how gifted you are and were‚ÄĒthis is old stuff we are rehashing here‚ÄĒbut here is the BIG THING that is happening right now.¬† You are having trouble actualizing your true self and stepping up into your true voice because the old wounds haven‚Äôt completely healed and they are coming up now so you can heal it. Yes, you can heal it!¬†

I am experiencing this too so let’s do this together.  There are inner child healing visualization exercises that are so powerful that they will shift us into our true selves and at the same time comfort and release a deep wound from childhood that has been frozen and stuck because we have had no patience with it. 

How often have you beaten yourself up for feeling a certain way and numbed yourself out with tasks or work to avoid allowing yourself to feel that way‚ÄĒthis is the way that most Americans cope‚ÄĒthey grit it out and go to their 9 to 5 jobs and are too busy to feel but they feel good that they got paid and worked and that is their reinforcement to continue to numb out their feelings.¬†

Then there are those of us creative intuitive feeling types that so struggle with fitting into this expectation‚ÄĒwe try and try but the darn feelings keep coming up and getting in the way of us making a good living like other people do. But in actuality, we are the more skilled at attracting abundance then those who are nose to the grindstone‚ÄĒwe just fall into the trap of comparing ourselves to others who seem to be successful with a steady paycheck.

I am reading the book Creating Money by Sanaya Roman and Duane Packer and it is so good for Empaths, Sensitives, and Creative Artists who are struggling to step into their purpose and fly with their whole heart.  It says to get used to an ebb and flow when you are in a creative business that relies on your trusting your innate gifts of intuition and creativity to make a living. 

There will be times when you are humming along (flow) and then things will slow down and you have some time to look inward and grow some more (ebb).  This is not the way most of society thinks of as the way to success! You may be shamed by people who are making a living without access to their feelings and purpose.  Don’t listen to them.  You are the wiser soul with all the answers inside.  You’ve got this. We can do it together. 

I feel very excited about being a cheerleader for sensitive souls who are overcoming the deepest scars from a childhood lacking any sort of strong foundation to launch from. I can help put the pieces together so you can see that your sensitive soul already had a strong foundation of love and experience to launch from and you chose a really difficult childhood because you are strong enough to break through to be YOU. 

I’m confident that underneath the layers and messages of unworthiness that you absorbed as a tiny child is a gifted creative soul who is a shining light of goodness and compassion here to help the planet with that very compassion that has been used against you. 

It’s so hard to be excited about the day ahead when you wake up with dread and bad feelings about yourself. I have found if this happens to me I can stay stuck in that place if I don’t MAKE myself take some kind of action to access my truth.  For me it is writing in a journal.  I just start writing about how bad I am feeling and I immediately have compassion for myself and realize I am being too hard on myself. 

This is part of my gift and purpose, writing hopeful things (blog posts, songs, poems) to help uplift others similar to myself in a similar plight. I feel so much better writing all this then I did when I woke up this morning.  It has taken me 3 days of feeling down and being guided to rest and take a break (ebb) to finally feel rested enough to just start writing about my frustration in the hopes that it will help others. 

This is the voice of my true self and it feels so good to have broken through (flow) that stuck feeling of unworthiness that my inner child was stuck in.  When you have a narcissistic mother, you must learn self-compassion for the feelings that arise to be healed and take time out to write or do visualization exercises:

Okay here is a powerful exercise for healing the inner child that I mentioned earlier:

Picture yourself as a small child of any age you choose with the feelings that have you feeling down on yourself.

Picture yourself as your now adult self walking along and coming upon your tiny child self who has been abandoned and yelled at and shamed and abused. You are shocked at the beauty of this child, how could anyone ever not see the giftedness of this child that you see? You come to the rescue! 

You see the compassion, sensitivity,¬† creativity, curiosity, hopefulness, sense of humor, artistic ability, introspective genius, complex thinking, deep feeling capacity, ability to find joy and fun in the smallest of nature‚Äôs splendor, and on and on.¬† You are perplexed at how a child so magnificent could be cast aside and blamed for crying too much or any other small attempt to be loved.¬† Oh the injustice of it all‚ÄĒit makes no sense because yeah it is pretty crazy.¬† It‚Äôs not right.¬† And the adult you can do something about it immediately.¬† You go over to the child and you rescue them into your arms of the truth and the unconditional love that you know they deserve.¬† You pick them up with a knowing of who they are and all that they came here to be. You hold them tightly in your arms with their head on your shoulder and you tell them, ‚ÄúEverything is going to be alright now. I am here and I see what happened to you and it was wrong.¬† You deserved so much more and I‚Äôm going to hold you and comfort you and take care of you until you feel better.¬† I‚Äôll be gentle with you and let you cry when you need to so you can learn to trust your feelings again. I‚Äôll be here for you for as long as it takes. I promise because I see the gifts inside of you that are going to blossom with tender loving care.¬† And I‚Äôm going to teach you to be kind to yourself and that it‚Äôs okay to make mistakes and that is how we learn. I‚Äôm going to teach you to be whole and strong and stand on your own 2 feet because you know how to forgive yourself and be kind and caring to yourself and that you are good enough every minute that you are alive. When you are ill, you need rest and when you are sad you need freedom to grieve. I will take care of you forever.”

So you hold the inner child you and you feel them feeling better and healing those deep layers of unworthiness and not being held and comforted and their needs for autonomy not being met. 

You do this every time you are feeling bad about yourself‚ÄĒ-do it every morning if you wake up feeling bad about yourself. Write about this process every time in a journal if it helps solidify the healing you experience.¬† You may want to write it from the child‚Äôs perspective. You may need to write out the grief of the loss of a childhood of not being able to have fun and relax due to these deeply engrained fears of not getting your basic needs met.

I’m reminded of many books that helped support me when I started doing my deepest inner grief work back in 2003 and then I started writing my songs of hope and healing in 2004. (See my recommended books page) And here I am here in 2019 clearing out the last remnants of these deep feelings of unworthiness to speak my voice that came up this morning and prompted me to write this to help others feeling these feelings. 

It just shows to depth of the damage that having a narcissistic parent can do to your sensitive soul. Oh it is so hard to break out of the vicious cycle of self-contempt!  But you can do this!  You are so special and gifted and full of light.  Keep coming back here to my blog if you need more encouragement because I plan to keep it up.

I see you and I am so proud of how you are healing.  I understand the depth of pain that that blanket of unworthiness can cause each morning. I wish you the strength to break through to the truth of the glory of who you really are. I’ll be back again soon to cheer you up again.  (See my channeled angel messages page too for more encouraging and comforting words from the angelic realms)

You’ve got this!  Sending infinite Hugs and Love and Light to your wounded inner child and to YOU,

Roxanne ūüėáūüíĖ‚ú®

New Weekly Channeled Angel Messages: Comfort For Empaths and Lightworkers During Ascension

Channeled Angel Messages¬†‚ú®ūüėáūüíĖ‚ú®Weekly!

Hello Everyone!  These messages are to be shared for all who resonate and are open to receiving spiritual guidance.  This includes Empaths, Highly Sensitive People (HSPs), Lightworkers, Spiritually Awakening Souls, Earth Angels, and to all Seekers and Open-hearted souls.

This blog post is taken from my Channeled Angel Messages Page on my blog that has 13 posts of angel messages that I am now posting there weekly.¬† There you will find all the other messages from my 6 archangel guides (most of the time it is 6 but it changes) that I have posted since November, 2018. Please comment if you like receiving the angel messages in my blog posts. I’d love to hear from you.

Peace and Love to you,

Roxanne Elaine Smith ūüíó

July 15, 2019

Dear Gorgeous Sensitive Souls, we are greeting you this way because some of you are not feeling so beautiful right now and we want to reassure you that you are and so much more than you can imagine.  Your brilliant light and healing abilities are vast and strong and your ability to tap into the beauty and bliss of existence is very real. Often you get bogged down from being around others and don’t even realize the negativity is not yours.  Other times you are triggered by the insensitivity of loved ones and your own unhealed wounds come up to the surface.  Often this makes you feel shocked at the depth of your wounds about feeling safe.  You know that you need to feel safe at a basic level. 

The good news is that this is happening so that you can now begin to create this safety for yourself from the inside out.  Until you know about these unsafety feelings that have been long hidden inside, you can’t heal them.  So your higher self is guiding you to these situations where you have to face these needs for safety that were never properly formed in your childhood or you may have root chakra damage from past lives that has not been resolved that is playing out in this lifetime. 

This happens if you died tragically in a past life for being persecuted for many reasons and one example is for being accused of being a witch. Or you may have been an outspoken or rebellious woman or man who did not follow the rules of your time and were trying to help others in some way. The list of possibilities is long.  Deep feelings of untrust and injustice and not being able to speak your truth may all be coming up to be healed and resolved in this life. You may be clearing throat chakras issues in this case.  If it all feels like too much to decipher and bear please take a break from figuring it all out and be really kind to yourself right now. Often the weekends are when conflicts arise because we have the time and our higher self knows it.  Try to trust that your higher self will not give you more than you can handle. 

If you can write in the mornings to get back in touch with your true loving nature and clear out your disappointment, then the rest of your day will go so much better.¬†¬†We see how strong you are, how amazing you are when you speak out about things‚ÄĒwhen your words are twisted or not received well, you are hard on yourself and forget that what you were saying is/was very accurate. Your are right and you are right most of the time‚ÄĒpeople who manipulate and downplay your words are just showing their insecurities and fear.¬†¬†It is disguised as power but it is born out of fear of not being good enough.¬†¬†You also have roots of not being good enough that you are clearing out.

You are now knowing you are good enough so you expect loved ones to be a cheerleader for you and you may be shocked and disappointed when they are not.¬†¬†You would never not be a cheerleader so then you blame yourself for not choosing people in your life who are not cheerleaders. Please know that what gifts you bring to the planet, of creativity and high vibration, cause a healing crisis in other people sometimes and it is all unconscious to them‚ÄĒthey don‚Äôt know why they react the way they do. Think of yourselves as magic healers walking around bringing up others unhealed wounds sometimes.¬†¬†Think of yourselves like Glenda the Good Witch floating around with a smile and beauty and a powerful wand‚ÄĒwe hope this brings a smile to your face.¬†¬†It may seem silly but if you are feeling victimized instead of seeing that you are healing, this image can really help you to heal.¬†

Of course Glenda has a magic bubble to get away and you can‚Äôt float away in your human world but you absolutely have the power to put a protective bubble around yourself at any time with just your imagination and intention.¬†¬†It‚Äôs best to imagine this amazing bubble of yours to allow love and light and bliss to flow out to others but no negativity may enter. There are many ways you may imagine your bubble‚ÄĒyou may like to create it to have a mirrored exterior shining outward so that when negativity approaches, it sees itself and runs away. We want this to be fun for you to experiment with.¬†

We are also wanting to lighten your heavy mood that stems from having absorbed negativity from elsewhere. Innately your energy is all love and light and so you can ask your guides and angels to lift off any energy that is not yours at any time. We want to help and we remind you that you must ask for our help in order for us to do things like this. We love you so much, dear ones, and we want you to be excited about who you are and your abilities to manifest your desires that are in the highest good for your soul. In order for your dreams to come true the lower vibrational repressed emotions from childhood must be cleared out.

Right now you may have anger to be cleared out‚ÄĒit might be causing a blockage in the heart and solar plexus chakras‚ÄĒimagine the frustration of not having a voice to say no to abuse and injustice and since you are healing and getting stronger and some good things are happening in your life, it makes sense that repressed anger from the past would come up to the surface to be healed.¬†¬†You may find you have exploded at someone recently or wanted to and perhaps you are shocked at the rage that you feel. We want you to know you can release this anger in harmless ways by several techniques. One is by writing all the rage out at someone in a letter and do not hold back and tell the truth of the depth of your rage‚ÄĒand then burn it of course (in a private releasing ceremony if you‚Äôd like) or shred it because this would be damaging for anyone else to actually read.

Also hitting a mattress as hard as you can as often as you need to to release this anger out of your body.¬†¬†Thirdly, saying or yelling what you wish you could say to an abuser or unfair situation into a pillow to muffle the sound. We do not want you to hurt your vocal chords of course so alternate these different techniques as you feel guided.¬†¬†We want you to look at this as a healing exercise and notice the relief that you feel.¬†¬†We do not need to tell you that unleashing anger onto a person would be harmful as well as lower your vibration and only cause you to feel remorse‚ÄĒbut humans do have this big reaction at times so if by chance you do have an angry outburst on another it will do wonders to genuinely apologize for any words that diminished the other person in any way. If you were just loud out of frustration that is okay occasionally although you may find that yelling just triggers others and they may not be as mindful as you in their choice of words back to you which may trigger you in return.¬†

So you can see that staying calm‚ÄĒspeaking your truth in a calm tone such as saying: ‚ÄúI know who I am, and what is being said about me here is incorrect‚ÄĚ or ‚ÄúI do not want to be treated this way‚ÄĚ and walk away is the beginning of finding your voice and strength to standing in your power and ending co-dependence on others approval.¬†¬†We see that many of you are getting your independent legs and we are so proud of you.¬†¬†Do not be discouraged if it has taken you a long time to get to where you can see with clarity that you are treated less than fairly in your love relationships too. Do not be too quick to throw this relationship away because all that may need to happen is for you to calmly say ‚ÄúNo I‚Äô‚Äôm not going to allow you to talk to me like that‚ÄĒMaybe you should go take a walk and calm down‚ÄĚ or something to that effect. We know this is easier said than done but we want you to see the progress you are making that we see‚ÄĒand be cheerleaders for yourselves to continue to grow in your strength as sensitive caring souls who only want to help.¬†

You will get more respect from the divine masculine partner when you stay calm and speak strongly and forcefully rather than cry and yell from a feeling of victimization. Forgive yourselves for occasional outbursts, you are human and it‚Äôs okay and may even be eye opening for you to see the hidden inner wound in you that needs to be healed. To be blamed or criticized or mocked or betrayed are all things you mustn‚Äôt stand for and you must speak up about‚ÄĒyou will find your words in time.¬†¬†Marriage counseling called Imago Relationship Therapy can be very helpful if you are having marital struggles with someone who is very much still in 3D and acting from their ego‚ÄĒbecause the principle is that you each are attracted to the very person who will bring up your childhood wounds so that you can heal them.¬†

We have talked about marital struggles here because we want you to see that it is often through relationships that we grow the most because your partners show you where the pain lies.¬†¬†Optimally you can come to an agreement with your partner that you both need to provide a safe space for you each to heal your own wounds and honor and respect each others needs for time alone to process after an argument. This is difficult if you have abandonment wounds and a deep need to feel connected to another person in order to feel loved.¬†¬†This is very hard and you may have PTSD with these wounds as the basis.¬†¬†Asking your partner to just hold you at times can help tremendously in healing the early childhood wounds of not being held enough. Know that you are a gift to any partner you choose because you are pure love‚ÄĒknowing this deep in your soul will help you heal your own abandonment wounds.

If you are single with abandonment wounds you are healing it every day that you take care of yourself and are not looking for someone else to complete you.¬†¬†You are complete and whole and we are especially proud of you learning to love yourself and look deeply inward to see that the wounds can be healed with your own self-compassion and finding your voice by journaling or reaching out to a trusted sensitive, and experienced counselor. Trust your heart to know you‚Äôve found the right person to help.¬†¬†Always remember you can talk to us anytime and ask for guidance and be open to the answers coming to you in your mind as new insights and ideas‚ÄĒof course writing to us in a journal is another way of receiving insights that very may well seem like your own ideas but we are helping in a way that may not be obvious.¬†

This is the beginning of trusting your intuition and this muscle will grow stronger with use.¬†¬†So we leave you today with much advice about healing your inner wounds and your relationship conflicts‚ÄĒthis is because we want you to know you are not being punished by these difficulties happening in your lives right now‚ÄĒmuch to the contrary, these conflicts are providing you with opportunities to see clearly where your wounds are and how you can heal them to feel strong no matter what happens in your life.¬†¬†This inner strength is what is already inside you, we can see it, but you are just beginning to see it.¬†

Having inner strength is all you need to manifest your dreams and even future treasures that your higher self has planned for you that you can not even imagine. Trust that the universe is in your favor always at all times. Easier times are ahead as you clear out and acknowledge and release the hardest wounds from your past.  We send you comfort and hugs and butterfly kisses for your wounded inner child. Until next time, be gentle on yourselves, AA Muriel (Empaths), AA Chamuel (Comfort), AA Jophiel (Creativity and Beauty), AA Sandalphon (Grounding and Music), AA Uriel (Wisdom), and AA Azriel (Grief, Loss, and Transitions)

Good News For Highly Sensitive People Who Are Awakening–You Can Do It!

Hello Highly Sensitive Souls! How is it possible that it is the end of May!¬† It’s gone so fast but now the warm weather is finally here in my part of the midwest, so I’m not complaining–I’m just in awe of the speed of time that seems to be passing!¬† Wow!¬† At the same time though I feel like a different person since January of 2019–I’ve done so much more unexpected inner work and self growth and now I’m excited to be where I’m at!¬† I am experiencing so much clarity and positive energy from my inner guidance to help others at a new higher level!

There is so much to feel hopeful about my dear sensitive friends.¬† You are exactly the way you are for a reason and you have a spirit guide and angels cheering you forward 24/7.¬† There may be times that you feel that they are not there and your wounds from childhood seem to be driving the bus so to speak. Please know that these wounds must come up to the surface to be cleared out and that you are healing.¬† Every single day you are healing!¬† Know that your higher self is taking you by the shoulders and helping you through each obstacle in life with the intent to make you stronger!¬† You got this!¬† You can do it!¬† You are loved from above.¬† And I’m here to help you know it and believe it and believe in yourself and your creative gifts.

I love being a cheerleader for highly sensitive souls because I understand so much now from my own journey.¬† I am so grateful for my intuitive gifts that have lead me to be able to have conversations now with my guides and angels and higher self.¬† I have honed the skill of automatic writing to where I can connect easily now and get answers.¬† My journey started out with so much pain and heartache as a child–being highly sensitive with abandonment wounds left me feeling so codependent on others–I didn’t even realize it–I thought I had worked through everything but no there was still more underneath some illusions that were protecting me.¬† But now all that is behind me and I am feeling so independent and whole.¬† Whatever healing seems unsurmountable to you at the moment please know that it can be done.¬† Whatever doubts you have about your ability to attract the life of your dreams are just words you heard from elsewhere ingrained in you from someone who may have just been jealous of your bright light,¬† You can learn to over-ride all self doubts with positive affirmations and self-belief and self love.

I have just channeled a new angel message, wrote a new song, and wrote a new poem all in the last 2 weeks.¬† I’m on a roll and I know how to unblock myself for good now. For those of you who are awakening to spirituality and are craving some good news, please check out my YouTube channel to see my angel message videos.¬† Go to this link=>https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCXg27-Lzvcffrr7lf6DRIfg.

Slowly I’ll be putting myself on the videos as I feel ready–right now it is just my voice reading the messages I have channeled.¬† I am following my guidance to share these messages hopefully weekly now to give comfort to empaths, highly sensitive people, lightworkers, and earth angels and awakening souls. Have a wonderful week! I care and I am here to cheer you on to love yourself and take good care of yourself.¬† You are on your way!

With love and light,

Roxanne ūüėáūüíĖ‚ú®

The Dark Night of the Soul–There is Hope!

Hello Highly Sensitive Souls, Empaths, and All,

I hope you are doing well! I am sending my love and appreciation to all of you and especially those of you who follow my posts!  Thank you!!  I am feeling a camaraderie with you and a deep empathy for the unique painful rollercoaster journey that accompanies being a highly sensitive soul and an empath.  We are so complex but sometimes all it takes is for us to feel very seen and heard and validated for the injustices we experience and then we are renewed and recharged to get back out there and shine our lights in the world!!

I’m feeling very renewed at the moment and so I want to offer hope to any of you who are suffering right now and not feeling hopeful!!¬† There is hope!¬† You are special and you are sensitive for a good reason!¬† You are enough and just your being here on the planet raises the vibration, even if you don’t feel like you are!

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted because I’ve been going through so much.¬† March was intense and I feel compelled to reach out and connect with you all because well by nature I always want to help others–if you are having a hard time with sudden life changes well I understand completely and I am right there with you! I made it through to a very positive place and so I want to pass on to you what I learned. There is so much hope!

Oh my gosh! Where to begin? I don’t want to speak in generalities and I don’t want to vent about my personal life too much so I will try to just be vulnerable and truthful. Life had been going along one way for years and now I’ve been on this spiritual awakening journey and gradually things had turned upside down for me.¬† Twice in the last week I started spiraling and even my usual supports weren’t helping.¬† I was shocked!¬† I’m the one who has it all figured out and helps others how can I be feeling so out of control and panicky, I felt like I was falling in a black hole. Everything around me felt like it was crumbling away. I didn’t have a panic attack, I’ve been fortunate to never have had one– what I had was an excruciating migraine that was caused by my own negative spiraling thoughts, for hours!¬† …Until I asked, what in my life would make me feel better.¬† The answer that came to me was, something big in my life had to CHANGE.

Then I looked up online Dark Night of the Soul and found what Eckhart Tolle said about it. I was immediately comforted just because what was happening to me had a name.¬† I was having an existential crisis. Here are some parts of Eckhart Tolle’s article that helped me the most:

The Dark Night of the Soul–“It is a term used to describe what one could call a collapse of a perceived meaning in life‚Ķan eruption into your life of a deep sense of meaninglessness.” “…Really what has collapsed then is the whole conceptual framework for your life, the meaning that your mind had given it. So that results in a dark place. ¬†But people have gone into that, and then there is the possibility that you emerge out of that into a transformed state of consciousness. Life has meaning again, but it‚Äôs no longer a conceptual meaning that you can necessarily explain. ¬†Quite often it‚Äôs from there that people awaken out of their conceptual sense of reality, which has collapsed.

They awaken into something deeper, which is no longer based on concepts in your mind. ¬†A deeper sense of purpose or connectedness with a greater life that is not dependent on explanations or anything conceptual any longer. ¬†It‚Äôs a kind of re-birth. The dark night of the soul is a kind of death that you die. What dies is the egoic sense of self. Of course, death is always painful, but nothing real has actually died there ‚Äď only an illusory identity. ¬†Now it is probably the case that some people who‚Äôve gone through this transformation realized that they had to go through that, in order to bring about a spiritual awakening. Often it is part of the awakening process, the death of the old self and the birth of the true self.”

Besides the migraine, I also was experiencing this falling sensation of impending death and as if the walls around me and life as I knew it was crumbling away.¬† So at a point of desperation I asked my Self, what in my life would make me feel better.¬† The answer that came to me was, Something had to Change. I started imagining some of these changes in detail and magically my migraine started to slowly dissipate, I felt hopeful but perplexed and awestruck by this Dark Night of the Soul experience and I was able to finally feel hopeful and get some sleep after what seemed like the longest night of my life. (Reading Eckhart Tolle’s article had helped too–full article is here).

The next morning, I felt a new sense of aliveness and I took some action on these changes feeling more empowered then I had felt in a long time. But surprisingly the changes that I imagined didn’t end up needing to be THE THING after all–but some painful conversations with certain people in my life opened up what REALLY needed to happen. Then surprisingly my heart just burst open with clarity and LOVE and gratefulness for everyone involved like never before. Suddenly all the changes that I wanted I no longer needed but it was actually the experience of having the dark night of the soul that had changed me–I felt like my heart had grown 3 sizes like the grinch when he got super powerful and turned the sleigh around–I no longer needed other people to change and I had all the answers inside all along.¬† My compassion for myself and others in my life and gratefulness for my journey had grown exponentially as well and a renewed passion in my career of coaching and energy healing and my music!¬† I’m sooo excited like never before and with such clarity and newfound energy about my true purpose in life. Wow!

I feel grateful that my Dark Night of the Soul experience was shorter than what some people experience.¬† After researching this, I have new empathy for the hell other’s go through.¬† I am also aware that this may not be my last experience with this–one never knows how the Universe is going to challenge them to grow when we are unknowingly resisting change with all of our might and our Higher Selves have a different plan for our souls’s journey.¬† What I have learned is more Trust!¬† I trust that I am being guided to experiences that are opening me up and challenging me to grow in ways I didn’t know possible. Holy Hell LOL!!–the pain I went through was excruciating but I guess it had to be purged and experienced so that I can be a hand to hold for others going through it too.

There seems to be no way to skip over this process if it is happening to you. I am not a licensed therapist for those of you experiencing a prolonged depression. But I can share my experience of healing which was by way of writing and doing deep inner grief work in a journal which for the most part started for me in 2003 and then all the songs of hope and healing started pouring out of me in the years that followed.¬† I credit the book The Artist’s Way by Julia Cameron for helping me find this positive True Voice that was inside me all along. Whatever you journey looks like please know that I believe you will come out the other side and that your journey is teaching your soul something that will be of great value.

After my Dark Night of the Soul experience last weekend, words can’t describe my new vitality and passion to get on with my life’s work.¬† All winter long I had been soul searching looking for direction and energy and drive to move forward consistently with this blog, my spiritual counseling and intuitive coaching work, energy healing, and my performing and writing my songs of hope and empowerment.¬† AND I am so grateful now to be experiencing this new gift of realizing I’m a channel and always have been–It is profoundly honoring and a humbling experience for me that I now feel stronger to fully step into this role and say yes, I’m a channel for spirit here, having a human experience to help others, who are struggling with deep questions about how to embrace their gifts of sensitivity in an insensitive world.¬† I’m here to tell you when you step fully into loving yourself and taking responsibility to learn tools to daily rise back into your truth as a shining light for the planet you will start attracting more and more positive people and experiences that will help you feel like life is all falling into place.¬† Then you can relax and just be YOU!¬† And you are so wonderful, just as you are, my dear sensitive souls, I’m grateful that you are here with me to help raise the vibration of the planet!

Sending you so much comfort, love and light as you continue on your healing journey,

Roxanne ūüėáūüíĖ‚ú®

 

Comfort From Above–A Channeled Angel Message

Hello everyone!¬† I just completed making a video of my very first Channeled Angel Message. This is kind of an experiment for me–I’m not sure if this is the format I’ll be using for all future videos of this sort but it was very fun putting it together.¬† My plan is to share these on my YouTube Channel for that audience but I thought I’d share it here first.¬† The entire message is also below this video.

 

 

Channeled Angel Message 1-12-19

“Dear Ones, You are so loved.¬† If you only knew the brilliance of your own light‚ÄĒthe perfection of your being.¬† Your soul has a purpose that may be unknown to you at this time but if you take the time to listen to your heart and write out your soul‚Äôs desire, you will begin to know yourself. As you love, nurture, and comfort yourself you will heal those deep layers of pain that are keeping you from stepping into your wholeness and vitality to be all that you can be.¬†

We are with you, Dear Ones, shining light and comfort down on you on those times you feel most alone and afraid.¬† If you can believe in love from above and open to receive our comfort it will help you so much.¬† As light workers you chose to come onto earth at this time as co-creators with us the Angels who are always hovering near you.¬† Your compassionate ways may seem unappreciated by those around you but if you can remember and write and share with others who are open to such spiritual messages, you’ll be spreading hope in ways you can’t imagine.

No-one else is exactly like you but many, who are on similar journeys and just beginning, will so benefit from your wisdom.¬† Keep writing.¬† Keep creating from the joy in your heart and share it with others without fear.¬† The fear of persecution from others is old and we reassure you that the benefits will far exceed any backlash you receive.¬† If you are afraid to be different well, My Dear, you already are and it is what it is for a good reason.¬† Goodness and light exudes from you in a way that affects others in a positive way whether it’s positive feelings being around you or pushing their repressed pain up to the light in an explosive way.¬† This is not for you to decipher or feel responsible for but just know healing is happening.¬†

If you get negative energy back from anyone know it is not about you and it is just a projection of this inner unconscious unlooked-that world. All pain needs to be looked at in order to heal and be released. This is a role that is not for the faint of heart. You are not faint of heart. You are all heart and you are strong enough for this role. By changing the way you view criticisms of you, you can change your life.¬† Criticisms of you are actually criticisms of the person criticizing you‚ÄĒtheir own self-judgments projected outward.¬†

How to handle this?¬† Smile with your inner knowing of the real truth. Either walk away or show them compassion if you are in a strong place.¬† Let the negativity flow through you and not stick.¬† Transmute it into Mother Earth or up to Heaven it doesn’t matter keep the energy moving flowing and healed and dissolved by love.¬†

Shining your light really is healing. Perhaps you’ve encountered people drawn to you lately and even asking for a hug from you while others seem to treat you as if you are invisible. They actually make themselves invisible from their own true essence‚ÄĒa true and complete disconnect and so you are feeling their invisibility and self-loathing.¬† Know it’s not yours. The work of knowing the voice of your inner critic is so helpful.¬† Yes, you know this.¬†

But you didn’t know your inner critic is alive in you because you absorbed the inner critic of those around you in your foundational childhood years and you internalized it and believed it.¬† Now you know better.¬† You can give yourself the love you never received and deserved.¬† Yes every child deserves love and care and to be uplifted to see their gifts and potential.¬† You can re-frame, re-program, re-parent, and re-live the childhood you never had‚ÄĒRegain the childlike trust you missed out on.¬† Live now with more childlike exuberance, joy, and curiosity and express yourself without fear.¬†

Know your childlike exuberance is much needed on the planet as you express it without fear of ridicule and shame.  Yes, you may have been shamed for shining your light as a child but now you see their fear, their shame that they felt safe to put on you.  Only because of your light, My Dear Earthbound Angels, only because of your light.

Archangel Muriel here,

sending you hugs and love and comfort so deep you feel it down to your toes.

We angels are just a thought away

Just open to us and get out of the way

To receive our message especially for you

So you can heal and heal others too.

Until we meet again,

Muriel”

If you are interested in scheduling private sessions for Akashic Record Readings, or Angel Readings, Distance Reiki or Life Coaching sessions please email me at truevoicelifecoach@ymail.com.

Please give me feedback about the video. Was it too fast or too slow? Was the music annoying or not your cup of tea? Any tips to change how I present these channelings to the people who enjoy them would be very helpful.

With love and light,

Roxanne ūüėá

HSP Tips for the Holidays and the Benefits of the 2 Kinds of Crying

Hello everyone! ¬†I hope you are doing well and taking good care of yourselves. ¬†Today as I am writing this the first big snowflakes of the season are falling here in the midwestern United States. ¬†Yes, it is that time of year again. ¬†How did it go so fast yet again?! ¬†It is good to constantly remind ourselves that, as highly sensitive souls, we must strive for balance in our lives by adding in¬†some time alone to recharge and for¬†some creative self-expression¬†as we set out to accomplish the many tasks that accompany this busy holiday season that is quickly approaching. ¬†Express your creativity in ways you used to love to do as a child but haven’t found time for lately–the activities we loved as children (like singing, writing, art, or dancing) are often our true desires–taking just a little time daily for this artistic self-expression will give you new found energy, rejuvenation, and a satisfying sense of accomplishment. ¬†Also, remind yourself to check your heart rate occasionally on busy days and breathe deeply and slowly to slow yourself down. ¬†Cortisol, the stress hormone, is harmful to our bodies when it is called upon too frequently so we need to learn relaxation techniques to take care of our adrenals. ¬†Laying down for 20 minutes with eyes closed (with just the intention of slowing your heart rate and following your breathing as you try to make it slower and slower) does wonders when you are feeling anxious and starting to spiral with negative thoughts. ¬†Positive self-talk and affirmations are important as well such as: “There is plenty of time for all the things I want to do”, and “I love and approve of myself”, and “I give myself permission to be the best that I can be”.

These are good reminders that Christmas is about Love. Love is the opposite of fear and can heal it. ¬†You can love yourself out of these fear-based anxieties that originated in a childhood that did not provide a safe place to be yourself. Also since you may have had to numb ourself out to survive as children, you may have learned not to pay attention to your bodies urges to tell you what it needs. ¬†For example, “thirst” can be something that you learned not to feel and so your bodies are very dehydrated without your realizing it. ¬†You”ll be amazed how much better you feel when you start making yourself drink more water on a daily basis. ¬†I drink 32 ounces in the first 4 hours I am awake in the morning–the rest of the day always goes so much better when we start our day really hydrated. ¬†Try it and see! ¬†And make sure to drink at least 64 ounces a day and even more on days you have extra stress. ¬†And if you are trying hard to “hold it together” in spite of the stressful feelings that the holidays can trigger, try a different approach–let it all out and have a good cry! ¬†Crying is good for you and studies show that emotional tears have higher levels of toxins that are released than in regular tear production.

I want to talk more about the benefits of crying because society has such a stigma against it. ¬†How often have you heard on a media outlet about a public figure or celebrity seen crying and then heard it referred to negatively as a “breakdown” which is ridiculous. ¬†A break “through” is a better term. ¬†The urge to cry is just truth that is coming up to be healed (comforted and released). ¬†Think of it symbolically as light breaking through the clouds, and someone finally “seeing the light”. ¬†I like to think about the song “I Can See Clearly Now” as if the writer of that song just had a good cry and a period of healing and now feels better and has healed a wound from childhood that was blocking him from functioning at his best. ¬†He is now en”light”ened! ¬†I also like to think of the description by a pilot right before breaking the speed of sound–he describes that, “the cockpit shakes the most right before” and then it is smooth sailing once he breaks through. If we resist our bad feelings and suppress them we may never know what aha moment or lesson we could learn–we must trust that our feelings are trying to teach us something.

More of my views on the benefits of crying are demonstrated in my reply to a highly sensitive and gifted commenter names Elisabeth who was concerned about how emotional she feels and how often she cried.  I hope it is helpful to all of you HSPs out there who can relate to how she felt.  Here is the interaction that transpired in the comment section of one of my pages on this blog:

Elisabeth

Submitted on 2012/06/02 at 2:04 pm

Hello Roxanne,
I can honestly tell you i feel God directed me to find this site! On behalf of every person who has benefited from your choice to help people, thank you so much! I honestly felt something was wrong with me all my life. I am highly sensitive, emotional, and very hard on myself. I was actually going thru one of my attempts to ‚Äúfigure out‚ÄĚ what it is that makes me the person i am, I have never been able to pin point exactly what was, all i knew is that normal people do not feel such intense emotions , I am highly empathetic, and can practically feel what others feel, even before they feel it themselves. All my life i have thought of it as a curse, I am great with people, and feel like God gave me the gift of encouragement, yet the one person i could never figure out or help was the person staring back at me in the mirror. upon reading your ‚ÄúAbout Me‚ÄĚ section, it was as though everything you discribed was everything i have been dealing with all my life! I dont know why, but I could never pinpoint exactly what caused me to be like this, only within the past couple of months i came to the realization that it had to do with my mother and not being shown love as a child. Ive stopped trying to get others to understand, because to them it is ridiculous, unless you have truly been hurt in that way, you would never understand the extent of the damage it can have on a persons soul, especially a shy little girl. All my life I feel like I have in a way punished myself for not being good enough, and literally crippled my own personal growth and prevented myself from becoming better because in a weird way i felt i didnt derserve it. What hurts most is reaching out (to my husband, my mom, sisters, brothers etc.) and trying to explain how I feel, and being rejected, ridiculed or as my husband would say ‚Äústop feeling sorry for yourself, and take control of yourself‚ÄĚ. to me, being put down and rejected by ppl who are supposed to love me unconditionally, especially when it took so much out of me to come out and say it, its like taking a knive and slowly puting it thru my heart.
Also, I am a Christian, but upon trying to learn more about who i am, I turned to horoscopes, because it was the best thing I could find to accurately discribe who i am. Im not sure if you know about them, but i am a pisces girl with a cancer moon. (in case you dont know, that s a double whammy. Pisces and cancer are both the most emotional signs. =(((((((((((
In conclusion, I guess my question to you is how can I get past what I went thru as a child and grow from it? It has put a huge strain on my marriage, and even my husband has tried to understand me, but it just feels like my words are not getting thru to him.
Thank you again so much for your time! May God bless you generously for what you do and all the lives you have impacted!!

p.s. Is it normal for a person like me to not be able to talk about anything emotional without crying? Just within this past year I can not say how i really feel without bursting into tears, and then starts the process of telling myself that its stupid to cry over it etc etc.. :(

Much Love,
Elisabeth (from Sacramento, CA)


Roxanne

Submitted on 2012/06/05 at 2:42 pm | In reply to Elisabeth

Hi Elisabeth,

Thank you for your wonderful, thoughtful and wise comment. I agree with everything you say here. I wish I had time to respond in depth to everyone‚Äôs comments‚ÄďI am so happy to know this blog is helping so many. Thank you ALL for all the wonderful comments!

I just want to mention a few things: why the sad((( face for being the most emotional signs‚ÄďI don‚Äôt know anything about horoscopes but sounds like you are emotionally ‚Äúgifted‚Ä̬†:D¬†!!!. Our families of origin (and our society too) instill in us this shame about our emotions‚Äďit is not true!! It is wonderful to be emotional‚Äďour emotions are meant to be our ‚Äúcompass‚ÄĚ for finding happiness in our lives! You can learn how to have boundaries to keep out the negative emotions from others and tap into the positive emotions that are innate in you. Learning to love yourself is key and processing your pain from the past includes grieving about the love and acceptance you never got for having this emotional gift. Crying is necessary to tell your truth about how you have been treated.

It is normal to cry if you feel the need‚Äďsounds like you have a good reason to cry. It spills out at inopportune times because we are holding it in so often. Having a good cry from time to time is so healthy and recharging! Also, often survivors like us cry when we are misunderstood and don‚Äôt feel ‚Äúheard‚ÄĚ when we are actually ‚Äúangry‚ÄĚ‚Äďbut we were punished for expressing our true assertive positive selves when we were tiny children and so we learned to repress it‚Äďthey were threatened by our positivity and truthfulness! So it is kind of a post traumatic stress response. It is not stupid in any way to cry‚Äďcrying is positive and healing when it is grieving about how you were mistreated in the past. Crying releases a truth that needs to be told!

There are 2 kinds of crying (…or more):

1)‚ÄúGrieving‚ÄĚ is the healthy releasing of the truth of your injustices and it is cleansing to release your truth‚Äďtry to catch what you are learning as you cry and write it in a ‚Äújournal for your eyes only.‚ÄĚ Crying has lead to the writing of my best songs‚Äďthere is always hope at the end and you feel a release and a new inner strength.

2)‚ÄúDespairing‚ÄĚ is a kind of crying that can be destructive if it is habitual because while doing it you are being very mean to yourself and beating yourself up (negative spiraling) the same way your abusers did. ¬†Survivors often need to release and admit these despairing feelings at first which are still repressed from childhood‚Äďupon realizing how bad you must have been treated to be a child in such horrible despair, your innate compassion kicks in and you begin to love yourself a little more each time‚Äďreleasing layer by painful layer of truth is how we heal.

Learning that HSPs with childhood wounds must stop the habit of despairing and turn it into grieving (and be very very kind and gentle to themselves when they are sad and build themselves up instead of continue the abuse of themselves that started as tiny children) will change their lives. I hope you will continue to read more of my blog because I talk about the importance of grieving ¬†losses from childhood quite a bit. Elisabeth, by crying you have bravely started the process of emotional healing‚Äďyou are on your way to finding out how special and gifted you are and have always been! I hope this has been helpful to you.

With love and light to you and all, Roxanne

ABOUT ME

For a link on more of the benefits of crying see the following article by Dr. Judy Orloff:  The Health Benefit Of Tears.
To all of my wonderful readers, I appreciate you so much! ¬†This Holiday season may all of you open yourselves to receive God’s (The Universe’s) unconditional love and light that shines upon you at all times–and to know that God (The Universe) has bestowed upon you the gift of compassion for the feelings of others. ¬†Be kind to yourself, allow yourself to cry, and “shine your light” upon yourself and others and you will heal!
With love and my warmest holiday wishes to all of you,
Roxanne

Welcome To The Blog For Highly Sensitive People, Intuitives, Empaths, and INFJs In Search Of Emotional Support and Guidance

(May 23, 2012–No you are not seeing double–except for parts of the first paragraph I copied this post and turned it into my new static Home page. So if you have already read this post, check out the comments here and then just scroll down to find the other posts. Welcome to my blog and it’s new format. ¬†New posts coming soon! ¬†ūüôā )

Hi Everyone. ¬†I am back and feeling great. ¬†Thank you to all for your prayers and well wishes. ¬†I hope you are doing well also. ¬†I learned much while I was away and I have much new knowledge and wisdom to share. ¬†My Coaching is thriving and I feel very blessed. ¬†I love my work–there is no better feeling than helping other highly sensitive souls to feel good about themselves and their lives and to help them to heal their emotional wounds. ¬†In my opinion, my clients are among the kindest, most compassionate, gifted people on the planet!

It is interesting for me to take an objective look at this blog now that I have had a break from it for several months–there is so much content here. ¬†The first post I wrote back in January 2010. ¬†In my last post, ¬†I talked about how I feel I healed my final trauma-wound—an abandonment wound from the time when I was only 1 and 1/2. ¬†I couldn’t remember it of course but the emotional pain had been dormant within me and in my body in the form of an energy blockage. ¬†Both ailments that I suffered from in the last year were in my root chakra–I never knew about the chakras before and I had been kind of resistant to learning about that kind of stuff. ¬†But it kept coming up in my search for answers to how to heal from this last ailment. ¬†It helped me to put it all together when I read that health issues in the root chakra area may have to do with issues of abandonment. ¬†Then it all came clear in the AHA moment I talked about in my last post (see Oct. 2011) and I was able then to process and heal this inner trauma.

Since then I feel different–healthier, physically stronger, and wiser and with so much more clarity and calmness. For the last month, when thinking about what I was going to write for this post I was trying to think of a word to describe this feeling. ¬†Then I saw Jane Fonda speak on Oprah and on Dr. Oz and some other shows and I resonated so much with what she was saying about “wholeness” and I realized that is it! ¬†I feel “Whole”.

I feel I have come full circle into living my life with the vitality of my whole true self. ¬†I feel more centered and grounded with an exhilaration about the wonderful things to come and for all that I have learned from where I have been. ¬†I am so grateful for what feels like a second chance at life without chronic pain. ¬†I have learned how to relax and enjoy my life.¬† It has been such a rollercoaster of a spiritual journey to come to this place and time where I can say that with confidence and amazement. ¬†In 2004, when I started writing my songs and process through the layers of grief and pain that kept coming up and were holding me back, I never would have dreamed it was possible–the pain seemed endless as I worked through my childhood truth that had previously been long hidden away from me. ¬†There was something inside of me that KNEW that going through the pain was the only way to get to the other side–that finding my true self was only possible by changing the “faulty BELIEFS” about myself that had formed in early childhood.

And now here I sit feeling very much healed with a new-found ability to recharge and comfort myself and find inner peace no matter what life throws at me and know with complete confidence and trust that everything is going to be okay.  I am telling you this because I want all of you to know it is possible for you too.  I feel so strong in spirit now with so much to give to assist other highly sensitive souls to heal from their abuse from a narcissistic, emotionally abusive parent or to heal from childhood wounds from an event or trauma from childhood.

I look at the content on this blog and there is so much self-help information here–I am amazed at how I did it! ¬†I remember it just flowed out of me easily for almost 2 years, ideas coming to me all the time. ¬†I really was just going with the flow in my life at the time–it takes a lot, getting informative posts ready for public view. ¬†I look over this blog and it feels like it is “complete’–I have had people tell me that it is an entire self-help book in itself. ¬†Some people tell me they read 2 posts a week and it helps them so much. ¬†Others tell me they start at the first post and read it like a book.

If you are looking for some emotional support and guidance, there is much content that I have written in the comment sections of each post where I have in the past answered each and every person’s comment. ¬†I am no longer able to do that now that I am Coaching a lot more. ¬†Frequent commenters have been jumping in occasionally to give support to other commenters when I am not able–it is wonderful to see this happening. Thank you to those of you who have reached out to help others in this way.

I will be answering comments just sporadically and occasionally from now on because of my busy Coaching schedule. ¬†But please know, I am here–I am available for Ask the Coach services and for Coaching. ¬†I am reading your comments and I know you are out there–I understand and KNOW first-hand the emotional pain you are experiencing as you try to make sense of the confusion and destruction of the spirit that is left behind by a narcissistic parent or narcissistic family members. ¬†I send my love and message of hope to you all. ¬†I hope this blog will be a safe place that you can come to for comfort, encouragement, compassion, and most of all healing.

UNDERSTANDING THE HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON:

In my early forties, I felt empowered when I discovered that I am a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). ¬†I now understand that being an HSP is a gift and for this I am truly grateful.¬† It means I am highly ‚Äúintuitive‚ÄĚ–not highly ‚Äúinsecure‚ÄĚ or “weak” as many people have been wrongly led to believe by our American culture and media. ¬†It also means that I am “Sensory”-sensitive which is not about emotionality–it means I am sensitive to sensory input that causes me to feel overstimulated at times–HSPs take in 5 to 10 times more stimuli in our environments than non-HSPs. ¬†HSPS ¬†are highly creative and often visionaries. ¬†Here are some other things I learned about being an HSP that I would like to share:

1) ¬† ¬† ¬†MANY HSPS ARE HIGHLY EMPATHIC.¬† Until you understand the benefits of being an HSP, it can be very difficult to understand why you are so different from those around you and why you yearn to ‚Äúfit in‚ÄĚ.¬† HSPs feel things more deeply and we can empathize with the feelings of others so completely that we often unwittingly ‚Äútake on‚ÄĚ the negative feelings of those around us.¬† We can end up feeling ‚Äúbad‚ÄĚ and have no idea why and blame ourselves for it when actually the feelings belong to the person we were just talking to (or sometimes even someone we have just been near).¬† When we feel bad for no reason, the common reaction for HSPs is to blame ourselves and mentally beat ourselves up.¬† For example, we say to ourselves, ‚Äúwhat is wrong with me;¬† I should be happy; ¬†everyone else seems happy and carefree so there is something wrong with me that I feel this way; ¬†I must have emotional problems;¬† I am flawed compared to everyone else‚ÄĚ ¬†etc. ¬†When we can recognize that the emotions we are feeling are from others, we can learn to stop this negative self-talk and let go of and release this negative energy that we have absorbed.

2)¬†¬†¬†¬†¬† HSPS ARE OFTEN TOO HARD ON THEMSELVES.¬† Becoming aware of how you are treating yourself in your head is becoming aware of your ‚Äúinner critic‚ÄĚ.¬† Your inner critic is always negative and always wrong about you.¬† Becoming aware of your inner critic is powerful.¬† Once you become aware that you are listening to your inner critic you must stop and say to your self, ‚ÄúNo, that is not true about me!‚Ä̬† Then replace these thoughts with positive affirmations such as ‚ÄúI love and approve of myself; ¬†I am safe; ¬†I am supported and cared for by the Universe (God); ¬†and I am a highly intuitive soul and I am sensitive for a reason‚ÄĚ. ¬†Being able to change the way you treat yourself and talk to yourself will change your life!

3)¬†¬†¬†¬†¬† HSPS ARE LOVING, COMPASSIONATE SOULS.¬† ¬†When you love and approve of yourself as you deserve to be, you begin to shine the light that is inside your soul.¬† This light is the gift of the highly sensitive soul:¬† you innately see the good and the potential in other people; ¬†you look to yourself to improve rather than blaming others or expecting them to change; ¬†you are able to empathize with other people‚Äôs feelings with compassion; ¬†you are a trusting and loyal friend; ¬†and a very good listener. ¬†These are wonderful gifts for a person to have for they are rare‚ÄĒand it is usually only the rare and highly sensitive friend that would point this out to you.

4)¬†¬†¬†¬†¬† HSPS OFTEN NEED TO LEARN HEALTHY BOUNDARIES.¬† Being the kind and caring soul that you are, if you are not seeing the value of that, your worthiness, you will often attract relationships with the kind of negative energy that your inner critic is reflecting. ¬†Also, people who are less sensitive and not intuitive at all are often drawn to HSPs because we absorb their negative feelings and they feel better around us. ¬†Some of these relationships can really confuse us because these non-HSPs can “act” very kind and generous when they want something from us. ¬†These are actually people we need to avoid because they drain us and are unable to reciprocate the giving nature that we need and deserve in a friendship. ¬†Ending relationships with people who are really takers and manipulators rather than givers is a giant leap towards becoming the person you dream to be. ¬†When you are able to take this final step for yourself and start listening to your inner guidance that is your gift, you are well on your way to a life of emotional vitality and wholeness.

===================================================================

Here are lists of links to important posts within this blog:

HSPs and Allergies, Food Intolerances, and Stress-Related Illness

Helpful Tips About Healing Childhood Pain

Learned Helplessness in HSPs

High Achieving and Intuitive HSPs Can Overcome Self-Defeating Behaviors

More Helpful Tips For HSPs with N. Parents

Part 2–More Helpful Tips of HSPs with N. Parents

The Misjudgement of Introverts and the True Meaning of Introversion

HSPs and Perfectionism–How to Heal Through Grieving Childhood Pain ¬†

Forgiveness is For Your “Self”

Through Pain You Grow Stronger–Processing Childhood Pain

Mother’s Day Survival Guide

The Process of Inner Child Healing

How My Best Counselor Helped Me

Journaling for HSPs–Over-riding Your Inner Critic

Childhood Pain Comes Up To Heal When Things Are Going Well

Overcoming Self-doubt and Unblocking Creativity

Holiday Survival Tips–For HSPs With N. Parents¬†and My Musical Gift Recovery

Honor Thy Parents Only If They Are Honorable

Stress Relief For HSPs

================================================================

As a final note of support, I want to say that as a highly sensitive and intuitive person, you are part of a group of 15 to 20% of the population that is deep, caring, and compassionate with much love to give. Our giving nature is an inspiration to others who are also part of this 15 to 20%. ¬†You do not have to be around anyone who makes you feel bad. ¬†One fifth of the population is over 1 BILLION PEOPLE‚Äďand empathetic compassionate people are out there. When you begin to love yourself as you are, stop comparing yourself to others, and protect yourself and your energy from the negative people who diminish you by staying away from them while you are healing, you will start attracting and finding more compassionate people like yourself in your life. Do not settle for superficial relationships‚Äďtake the road less traveled. ¬†It is the path to love and enlightenment and inner peace.

With love and warmest wishes,

Roxanne

Hurts So Good?–Through Pain You Grow Stronger–Processing Childhood Emotional Pain So You Can Heal

Hi everyone.¬† Today I was out on my patio getting my morning dose of Vitamin D from the sun (hallelujah, the warmth is finally here to stay!) and writing down ideas for my next post.¬†¬†When I was finished, the song “Hurts So Good” by John Mellencamp came on the radio I was listening to.¬† You know the one…”sometimes love don’t feel like it should…”¬† Anyway, I had to laugh out loud with amazement as it seemed like a sign from the universe/God that my topic was approved–it seemed clear that I should trust my intuition to write about what I had decided to focus on and that was:¬†¬†what hurts the most in life emotionally can reveal the truth¬†of who we really are–and physical pain can teach us the exact lesson we need to learn to move forward–both kinds of pain help us grow and heal to become our best selves.

Of course the lyrics of the song¬†do not imply that, but the title jumped out at me¬†as confirmation and I have always loved that song!¬† It always makes me want to get up and dance and celebrate being alive for some reason.¬† Sometimes when you are feeling the pain from childhood wounds, acknowledging you were wronged, and you¬†know you didn’t deserve it,¬†you feel so much more alive and you have the right to your feelings about it!!¬† Your anger can be channeled into positive energy to take action for¬†your self and improving¬†your life and moving forward towards¬†your dreams!¬† Also the song implies that you know how love should feel but you are willing to take the painful risk of loving again for the chance of being loved in return.

I so look forward to dancing again to songs like this and forgot how much I missed it until it was taken away when I recently injured my back/hip (S.I. joint)! ¬†My pain has almost completely healed.¬†Yay!¬†I still have restricted movements but¬†I have so much to look forward to.¬† And I am on my way to complete healing and I learned much–I will spare you the details until the end of this post for those interested.

Okay, so about the lessons to be learned from the emotionally painful things that happen to us….¬†¬†¬†I believe that all of us are here on this planet to learn lessons about who we are, what we are capable of,¬†how to achieve inner peace, love ourselves the way we deserved to be loved, and how we can use our gifts to help others.¬† For those of us who are gifted with high sensitivity and intuition it is so difficult to figure these things out until we realize that a lot of the¬†pain we experienced as children was¬†pain¬†of the people around us that we just absorbed¬†and internalized as our own.

One of the most complex examples contributing to many of my clients’ childhood wounds are when the parent is a malignant narcissist. I am sharing these examples of extreme cases in the hopes that they will be the most helpful. When a malignant narcissist starts to feel any emotional pain¬†they get rid of it immediately by blaming the people around them. The highly sensitive child is the perfect target to take away the malignant narcissist’s pain because they absorb it completely and don’t retaliate.¬† As kind and loving spirits, highly sensitive compassionate children would never¬†dream of blaming someone else for anything so they can’t imagine that their parent might be wrong or sick or unhealthy in any way.¬† Now that they are adults they are starting to see the light of how they were¬†“used”¬†to take away the parent’s shame, self-hatred, blame, and self-doubt. Hsps can heal as they acknowledge the truth that they were fine before malignant narcissistic parents took away their hopes and dreams and gave them their pain in its place. ¬†They absorbed it all and believed it to be true–saying to themselves, “I am to blame, there is something wrong with me, I am not good enough, I must try¬†really hard to be someone else other than who I am in order to be loved, I am not as good as I think I am, I cannot trust my feelings, I must not make any mistakes, I am unloveable, I am unworthy, I hate myself, or¬†I must be a disgusting human being for upsetting my parent in such a way.”¬† This is what a highly sensitive compassionate child can determine to be true when they are not seen for the kind and sensitive soul they are but used for the¬†dumping ground of the negative emotions of a highly¬†dysfunctional family.

They numb their feelings¬†to survive as children–They repress the pain and decide to be obedient (if they were the Golden Child) or they rebel (if they were the Scapegoat).¬† Either way their mind protects them with illusions about their parents in this case because they need them to survive. ¬†They were after all children doing the best they knew how–there is no way for a sensitive child to detect danger when for as long as they can remember, this is what a loving family looks and feels like and it is ingrained in the neural pathways in their brains. ¬†They¬†believed the distorted view that their malignant narcissistic parent presented to them and insisted upon because they believe in the goodness of life innately–they¬†trust completely which is a beautiful thing.¬†¬†It is a wondrous gift to be able to trust in life, to trust in the universe, that it will support them and show them the way if they trust their feelings and our intuition.¬† We have the inner guidance and wisdom to be happy and fulfilled, enlightened and loving, full of vitality with the perseverance to press on through the ups and downs of life. ¬†They all (HSPs)¬†have this ability inside of them, this trust in the goodness of life, but it was taken away from them.

But what happened to them is not really about them¬†at all. ¬†They were victims,¬†yes, but they don’t have to be victims ever again when they work through the truth of what happened to them as children–layer by layer, injustice by injustice, voicing the truth of how much it hurt, how they didn’t deserve it, and see how they¬†lost their trust in themselves and their feelings.¬† Once you start this process of healing the layers, you feel lighter and a little kinder to yourself each time.¬† It is a blessing when you are in the midst of an episode of despair because someone you trusted criticized you and you suddenly realize, “Oh wait,¬†this is how I felt as a child when my malignant narcissistic mother would¬†feel threatened when I expressed a brilliant creative idea and¬†put it down–I was smarter than she was!” –or something to this effect.

DOCUMENTING YOUR TRUTH STATEMENTS is a method I invented during my years as a life coach.¬† Journaling these revelations by writing statements of what you learned about yourself when a new layer of pain is uncovered¬† helps to document your progress.¬† Then when you are feeling lost, depressed, or blocked¬†make yourself get out your journal and read over these statements and you will see the true voice of your soul being uncovered.¬† Statements like “I had brilliant creative ideas as a child”, “I discovered I was actually smart”, “I was kind, caring and innocent and did not deserve to be criticized and abused!”¬† These are truths come to light and will forever be true about you–they will help you change the internalized beliefs about yourself so you will develop your true voice.¬† This will help you stop listening to your inner critic and say,” No!¬† That is not true about me”.¬† Then say your new-found personalized positive affirmations (truth statements) to yourself instead. Your self-doubts will gradually fade and your confidence will grow stronger and stronger.

Childhood pain comes up to be healed in layers–it is like the truth of your untold story from childhood wants to be told and when you are strong enough, the painful feelings pop up¬†unexpectedly in your lives. ¬†You sometimes unconsciously provoke painful situations in our lives so that the original trauma can be healed.¬† For example: ¬†you are feeling grouchy, irritable,¬† numb, and lost, and you criticize your husband for¬†not supporting you enough, for not just listening, (he is¬†trying to solve it and tell you what to do and you just want to be listened to and heard).¬† He responds with, “Something else must be wrong because I have been listening to you a lot lately but you are still really grouchy.”¬† You blow up and yell, “I wanted an apology but instead you are attacking me” and you fall in a heap of crying, blaming, angry despair.¬†The feelings directed at your husband are so real to you but you are actually experiencing post traumatic stress from your childhood.¬† Your husband deserves about 10% of the anger that you are feeling but the other 90% is from your childhood. (90/10 Principle.¬† John Gray,…Venus and Mars).

In that moment you are reexperiencing¬†the unresolved feelings of your self as a small child with legitimate¬†needs to be seen and reassured and loved–you¬†were perhaps rejected by a malignant narcissistic mother who was too busy with her own agenda to stop and be the loving mother you needed in that moment.¬† Perhaps instead she lashed out at you for being too sensitive, told you to knock it off and be quiet so she could think.¬† When you cried harder she may have slapped you on the bottom, screamed at you, and told you that you¬†were giving her a headache and to go play somewhere.¬† You went to your bedroom and cried and cried and she ignored you–you felt rejected, scared,¬†and humiliated but you felt so ashamed that your mother was angry at you that you wiped away your tears and went out and said, “I’m sorry Mommy I will try to be good”.¬† Then, she smiles at you and says, something like, “good, you learned your lesson about obeying me”.

This is horrible¬†abuse for a highly sensitive gifted child whose only way of surviving this situation is to be a shell of her former self, deny all of her legitimate feelings and needs for pursuing her gifts and talents and dreams, and become a little robot shell of a person with all her feelings pushed way down deep to the point of repression.¬† A child¬†incorporates the internalized message of, I must not trust my feelings or I will upset my mother/father and I need her/him.¬† To the less than sensitive observer this exchange seems harmless enough and they might even think “what a good child” or worse “what a good parent¬†to have such a child that obeys¬†so well”.¬† That is one reason that it is difficult for¬†HSPs to change our negative beliefs about ourselves–most of society doesn’t yet understand or support a¬†childs need to express needs contrary to the parent¬†in charge.

You won’t feel guilty about leaving your abusive narcissistic family members behind when you understand that if malignant narcissists¬†are in emotional pain for even a¬†second, they lash out and blame someone else for it–they are not feeling pain the way you and I do–they get rid of it immediately.¬† They put on acts of great suffering because they know it works to make us feel guilty.¬† Don’t fall for it–it is all an act.¬† They are going about their merry way without a trace of remorse or guilt.¬†They pull out the tears and anguish when other family members are around to get them against you–they get relief and control back from these antics so don’t feel guilty about leaving all of the craziness behind.

So back to how pain is helping you have a better life….¬† The truth too painful to bear as children has to come up as the painful truth or you can’t acknowledge that it happened, release it, learn from it, and find yourself!¬† It is a painful process but you are worth it!¬† Your true voice has been in hiding for far too long.¬† Next¬†time something happens to you that is so painful it makes you want to give up on a person, try telling yourself,¬† “this pain is exactly how I felt as a child when ___ happened to me!”¬† Then write it out with all the pent-up emotion you can conjure up and see if you don’t feel better when as you write you realize you were an innocent victim and have a right to all of those feelings!

You may just be so grateful for the realization that you were a child who deserved so much more that you will even feel grateful for the person in the present that hurt you! They helped you bring a painful truth from your childhood to the surface to be healed.  You healed a layer of pain from your childhood!  On to the next!  Soon you will begin believing in your goodness and see your inner wisdom and kindness. You will begin attracting only loving giving people like you because your bright shining light of your special highly sensitive intuitive soul can now shine through the existing layers making them much easier to process through.  The illusions that helped you survive will fall away and a new-found confidence and ease will emerge.

So remember, from the layers of pain and hurt emerges the wonderful and amazing true YOU!  You can do it!  I hope that my words can assist you through this complex healing process.

Part 2

Okay, now for the health update:  The recent painful injury to my low back/hip sacroiliac joint (S.I.) is another example of how the universe/God  helps us along our path with painful obstacles that are lessons in disguise.

My holistic chiropractor¬†was unable to answer my many questions about what I could and couldn’t do and what would help and hinder my recovery.¬†¬†So I made an appointment with a physical therapist that was prescribed by my family doctor. She was able to tell me exactly what ligaments I had sprained, the reasons for my pain, exactly what movements to avoid and which ones were so safe so I could heal in the fastest amount of time.¬† She explained exactly why it had happened to me–with no core strength in my pelvis from lack of exercise, the ligaments were sprained severely requiring 6 to 8 weeks to heal completely.

She explained that sitting and standing hurts because those actions depend entirely on the ligaments I strained, whereas walking uses different muscles.¬† I can sit for a one hour at a time now, can drive for short periods, am allowed to walk on flat surfaces only, and should avoid all stairs as much as possible until I am fully healed.¬† She showed me the correct way to pick up something from the floor, bending at the knees and holding onto something for support–I had been¬†doing it wrong every time. ¬†She has given me homework of daily exercises to start strengthening my core muscles as I heal and I am doing them diligently!

Before I went to my physical therapist, there were 3 occasions when¬†I had no pain in the morning (that is usually when I was in the most pain).¬† I ¬†had gotten so excited I ended up doing too much that day and the next day I paid for it with pain that sent me back to the couch with ice and rest.¬† The third time it happened I had this surreal moment of anguish but at the same time a moment of grace and surrender–a reminder of how, even though I was exiled to the couch, I had a glimpse of what I had learned spending most of the month of May on the couch unable to move without the severe pain recurring.¬† The month of May gave me an entirely new perspective on my life and this moment of grace made me permanently slow down and appreciate that the small things in life were actually huge things to be grateful for.

It made me realize:¬† the things I missed being able to do most were things I did not expect because they were lost in all the busy activities I took for granted.¬† I missed most being able to sit up and play my guitar and sing my songs¬†without pain. I missed being able to sit and write creatively¬†on my computer for long periods (my last post I had to write and edit in¬†long hand first).¬† I missed being pain-free so that I could concentrate again and get back to coaching my clients–having chronic pain is exhausting and I¬†had to put my coaching on hold for a while (but it has now resumed ūüôā ).¬†Biking, hiking, and dancing were also activities I loved and never found time for. ¬†These are all things that have now been moved even higher on my priority list–maybe this injury is the only way for me to really learn what is most important to me in life.

A bonus from all this is that my husband had no idea how much I did around our home and has a new appreciation for all the years I spent managing our home because suddenly, he had to do it all!¬† I didn’t even realize how much I took on. Now he has wonderfully agreed to continue taking on his share of these tasks even after I fully recover (including half of the grocery shopping ūüôā ).¬† After all, I have a successful career too now and it is only fair!¬† My husband was really amazed at how much work it was and¬†he¬†now has a new appreciation of how much time and energy I spent doing it.¬†¬†As I recover I am learning to delegate tasks that need taken care of, but more important than that, I learned to just let the unimportant things go so we can just spend more quality time together and be in the moment enjoying life!¬†I am very grateful for a husband with such a kind and¬†compassionate soul.

With every new victory in my physical abilities, we celebrate together and both of us appreciate our life together and our health so much more.¬†¬†Soon I will be able to dance again.¬† We both loved to go out dancing together¬†when we were younger–why don’t we do that more often!¬† Now with my physical therapist teaching me core strengthening exercises, I am determined to get strong¬†and enjoy things with my husband that we both love to do together: biking, hiking, and dancing!¬†Yay! ¬†Through pain came important changes:¬†the ability to slow down, be grateful, and relax and live in the moment;¬†delegating tasks so I have more time to commit to the work and activities¬†that¬†I love; commiting to getting and keeping¬†core strength and stamina; and letting the unimportant things go!

I hope my words have inspired you to look for and find the lessons amidst all the wonderful ups and painful downs of life.¬† I hope I have helped you¬†to find strength in the truth re-experienced by your wise and gifted inner child. And I hope I’ve helped you to slow down and discover the joys in the small blessings in your life.

With Love,

Roxanne

The Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and The Body–An Awakening To the Importance of Listening To It and Core Strength

Hi everyone.¬† I am back and writing again. Yay!¬† I hope you are enjoying the beauty of this spring season and all the brilliantly colorful flowers. Thank you to those who commented or emailed me such wonderful wishes.¬† It was quite a traumatic ordeal for me but I believe there are lessons in all things that happen to us–especially the painful things.

As a highly sensitive child, I have always been sensitive to pain and felt my pain more acutely than others–both physically and emotionally. I have childhood wounds related to how I was cared for during illnesses and also a hospitalization as a toddler. ¬† Being “laid up” as I have been the last few weeks has broken open many of those wounds so that I could remember, reframe them with the truth of who I was, and finally grieve, release and heal the repressed emotions.

I had always had a hard time when I was sick–I would beat myself up, blaming myself for causing it–always finding it difficult to rest in order to heal–sometimes even prolonging my illnesses because of the stress I added to the illness.¬† I discovered this 2 years ago when I had 2 bad viruses back to back.¬† I had to face up to the fact that I had to change how I pushed my body too far and was terrible at resting and relaxing.¬† Things like this always have their foundations formed in childhood.¬† My husband could see the patterns I couldn’t see as clearly.¬† “Don’t be so hard on yourself,¬†relax and let your body heal¬†“, he would always say.¬† “Take it easy, don’t do anything today but rest.” It helped but as soon as I recovered I’d go back to my bad habits of not listening to my body.

If you’ve read my post from June 15, 2010 on HSPs and allergies and stress-related illness you know that I am recovering nicely from adrenal fatigue. Developing stronger boundaries has definitely helped reduce the negative energy in my life and the “fight-or-flight” responses to stress that I had a pattern of.¬† When your body reacts to stress with a fight-or-flight reaction you have increased cortisol (the stress hormone) in your body in the form of adrenaline.¬† This is an “extreme fear” reaction that I believe many HSPs with ¬†childhood wounds do not even realize they are experiencing because it is combined with the numbing or anesthetic effect that goes along with the adrenaline rush.¬† What I now have learned is that even positive events in life can trigger this fight-or-flight response if you had the daily trauma in your childhood.

It’s like post traumatic stress in a way–any event, positive or negative,¬† can open the wound and the internalized belief ¬†“I am not good enough as I am, I¬†must work extra hard to be perfect to be¬†loved”.¬† These are the roots of the compulsions of perfectionism, workaholism, burnout, and exhaustion etc.¬† It is automatic and unconscious until we become aware of it, give voice to it,¬†¬†and then can reassure ourselves and calm and slow ourselves down.¬†Sometimes it takes an accident, illness,¬†or an injury for us to awaken to the knowledge of:¬† “this pattern has to change–I am hurting myself by¬†doing this!”¬†

For me it was the event of both my children coming home.¬† My 24-year-old son who lives 3 hours away and I hadn’t seen since Christmas was coming home for 4 days at Easter.¬† And my 20-year-old daughter was coming home from her semester studying abroad in Australia 2 days after Easter. I overdid it!¬† I was drained and exhausted but still so excited by the end of Easter evening–my low back/hip was aching but I ignored it. My son left after a wonderful visit but my daughter would be home in 2 days.¬† I ignored my hip pain and exhaustion and just had¬†to go to the grocery to get her favorite foods, just had to go to the party store to buy welcome home decorations and balloons, just had to clean up her room and get it ready for her, just had to hang up the banners and reach and stretch to hang lots of streamers in the main area of the house. All that stretching and twisting was way too much for my already injured sacroiliac joint! (I had moved boxes out of my son’s room to prepare for his visit).¬† I thought I just needed a chiropractic adjustment and I’d be good as new–but I was continually injuring the ligaments to my sacroiliac joint!¬† I didn’t listen to my body–it was begging me to stop, begging me to rest, “all this isn’t necessary, don’t do it” my intuition whispered to me. But “I have to” was a louder voice. ¬†I now realize my childhood fear of “not being good enough as I am” was playing out my trauma from the past into the present.

I did cut back on some things I had planned to do and rested with heat and ice¬†packs for 3 hours before we picked up my daughter at the airport–but it was too late!¬† The damage was done!¬† And as the adrenaline wore off and my daughter settled into our home with “Mom, you shouldn’t have!”, she ended up being so right!¬† I shouldn’t have!¬† And I will never forget this painful lesson of ignoring pain in my body again.¬† (I ended up in the ER with excruciating pain 1 and 1/2 days later–see my last post for more info.)

Nothing like this has ever happened to me before.¬† Besides adrenal fatigue, I have never had anything chronic and this was chronic excruciating pain. I thought I had discovered a healthy alternative to exercise with my specific carbohydrate diet that was and is the perfect solution for my highly sensitive digestive system.¬† Avoiding complex carbohydrates and sugar gave me more energy and kept my weight down.¬† So I fooled myself into believing I didn’t need to exercise.¬† (I tried exercising occasionally with fits and starts but the¬†pain always made me quit–I now see there was emotional pain from my childhood tied into “getting stronger”. ¬†I learned that often childhood wounds related to our bodies can have complex origins. Hsps can feel shamed with looks of disgust or disapproval when expressing themselves joyfully through their bodies–dancing, running, and¬†playing can be seen as threats to a N parent who need their hsp children to stay dependent and near and “take care of them forever”. ¬†This may be an unconscious act on the part of the N parent–The mixed message of “grow up”/”don’t grow up and leave me” leaves many HSPs to feel guilt about growing strong and competent and enjoying having strong bodies. HSPs can sense this message even though the parent may be completely unaware that they are projecting this onto their child.

Now I am told that if I’d had more core strength and the overall strength and stamina that only exercise can provide I could have avoided this injury.¬† With weak core muscles I put strain on the ligaments related to my sacroilliac (SI)¬†joint and injured the ligaments severely.¬†Sprained ligaments like I have takes 4-6 weeks to heal.¬† And you must be very careful not to reinjure them by doing too much too soon–I read that if you reinjure certain SI areas 4 or more times, you could end up with chronic pain there for the rest of your life!

And this week I did have a setback.¬† 3 weeks in I was doing well and was finally able to pick things up off of the floor and drive etc. but I must have done too much and remember one sudden jolt that retriggered my pain and set my progress back a whole week!¬† Ugh!…back on the couch just when the pain was beginning to lessen. ¬†But I learned from it and am now even more careful¬†and even more grateful for the activities I took for granted before.

As bad as it sounds, this traumatic experience has changed my life for the better.  I learned:

1.  I avoided exercise because of the pain it caused me but that is nothing compared to the pain of being immobile and unable to function normally and perform the simplest of tasks like putting on ones own socks!

2.¬† I must commit to regular exercise as soon as possible after I heal.¬† My plan is to start walking and doing core strengthening daily and then I am going to do Pilates or yoga and join jazzercise again.¬† I loved Jazzercise classes in my 20’s and 30’s–I had¬†stopped in 1999 when it became too fatiguing and painful¬†for me (I didn’t know then that I already had symptoms of adrenal fatigue).¬† The adrenal fatigue is now better so I should be able to get back into it if I am very gradual and process the emotions as they come up.

3.¬† I must get in shape and get core strength for the first time in my life and stay that way!¬† I hope to get up to doing Jazzercise¬† 3 times a week. Also I plan to do lots of hiking and biking with my husband which he loves to do but has always done without me because….well… honestly…¬†I couldn’t keep up.¬† My body has now taken a front seat in my life–I am sorry I didn’t listen to it sooner!¬† Fear of this pain returning is a great motivator–muscle soreness is nothing compared to the intense chronic pain and the pain of being immobile and dependent on others for everything.

4.¬† I am too young for this kind of injury–I am only 49. Now my body has caught up to the “new beginning journey” that my heart and mind were already on!¬† And so for this wake up call I say, Thank you, Universe, for all that it taught me!!!

Wishing all of you love and kindness to your spirit, mind, and BODY!!

With love,

Roxanne

The Connection To Learned Helplessness in Highly Sensitive People (HSPs)

Updated March 2016

Hi everyone.¬† Today I want to write about a subject that¬†many of my clients and readers can relate to as Highly Sensitive People. ¬†It is something called Learned Helplessness.¬† Learned Helplessness is that feeling of powerlessness that we all feel at times, and for¬†some of us it is more pervasive and all encompassing than for others.¬† There is much hope in talking about it because if you can understand the roots of this feeling, you can understand that it is “learned” behavior and that you can become aware of it when it hits you and¬†ultimately heal from it completely.

I first heard about Learned Helplessness in my introductory psychology class in college. ¬†And you probably have heard the story as well–the story of Pavlov’s dog.¬†Pavlov used a dog¬†in an experiment in human behavior to demonstrate the result of conditioning.¬†I can’t recall the exact details except that¬†the dog was given rewards or withheld the rewards and the resulting behavior of the dog was recorded and studied. There were other dog experiments by a psychologist named Seligman in which he shocked sets of dogs to demonstrate learned behavior and conditioning and punishment.

The main thing I remember vividly about the whole thing was that at the end of the Seligman experiments, the dogs were shocked¬†repeatedly both when they completed a task correctly and also when they did not.¬† The¬†poor dogs were¬†so confused¬†that they layed down depressed¬†and GAVE UP and even whined–and this was Learned Helplessness that the dogs were experiencing.¬† I still remember learning about this¬†vividly because I felt¬†SO bad for these dogs–I was empathizing and upset beyond what the average person reading this would¬†expect to be.

At that time in college I did not have the insight or self-awareness yet to realize it was because I resonated so much personally with how the dogs were treated. As a highly sensitive, empathetic person I knew just how those dogs must have felt and I related to them giving up and laying down, hopeless, and helpless, in fear, and self-doubt.¬† Those dogs were experiencing the same damned-if-you-do-and-damned-if-you-don’t no-win situation that those who were bullied consistently (or even neglected or controlled) by a caretaker or narcissistic or controlling parent were¬†subjected to day in and day out as children. ¬†Years later I remember talking to a counselor about this, knowing just how a dog in those experiments must have¬†felt and it helped the counselor have a picture of the frustration, fear, desperation, loneliness, despair, hopelessness, and helplessness.

After I voiced this to the counselor, I was able to picture myself as a small child with the same compassion I had for such a dog and finally realized that I deserved so much more.¬† The roots of my anxiety were then exposed–no wonder I felt anxious all the time, no wonder I was a perfectionist and afraid to disappoint anyone, no wonder I didn’t know how to relax, no wonder I had no access to my own dreams and desires and was filled with self-doubts and negative messages in my head. ¬†It helped to talk to someone about how I felt what I experienced could compare to the treatment of those dogs–the feeling of not being given consistent love and support and feeling rewarded only if obedient and punished with emotional rejection if not.

My life coaching experiences and studies have taught me the following in regards to those highly sensitive people with a narcissistic parent: ¬†The Scapegoat child of a N parent can very much relate to this constant punishment and criticism.¬† But the Golden Child (GC) can relate as well because they are often¬†the obedient¬†one who needs desperately some kind of loving approval¬†and, out of fear, becomes¬†what the parent or ¬†wants for them to become.¬† Outwardly to others it may appear as if the GC has it all–the love, attention and admiration of the Narcissistic parent.¬† But inside there is so much emptiness and pain, an absence of the knowledge of self and true feelings–feelings that had to be hidden away because they were too painful to bear.¬† The false self is developed and honed in, the GC knows exactly how their N parent feels even before they do. ¬†The GC develops a radar that helps them to survive the lack of love and support–and they develop an illusion that they are the ones at¬†fault if, even with their best efforts, they fail to win the acceptance of the N parent. ¬†They blame themselves and have very low self-esteem, crushed by criticism, holding relationships at arms length so no one will get too close and cause them further pain.

The roots of co-dependence are also¬†linked to this learned helplessness–victims of such abuse telling themselves that¬†there must be something wrong with them and that they are deeply flawed and it usually goes in one of two ways–either they decide they need to find another person to love them and take care of them and then they will be happy (co-dependence) or they become a porcupine not letting anyone one else near, lashing out at anyone who suspects that they just might have some insecurities underneath their outwardly¬†successful yet workaholic exterior shell. People who suffer from panic attacks and even agoraphobia often have learned helplessness from childhood as a root cause as well.

“What can a person do?” you may be asking if you relate to what I am describing.¬† Plenty!¬† Just being aware and believing that this happened to you as a child is the first step. Just as you have compassion for the dogs in the experiments, you need to develop this same compassion for yourself and make a decision to stop being so hard on yourself.¬† Make a decision to be kind to yourself every time you are feeling bad–it is almost always childhood pain coming up to tell you the truth of what really happened to you.¬† Become aware that the negative messages in your head were put there by someone else and that you did not deserve them.¬† Change them to positive messages.¬† Write in a journal all the things you were good at as a child and never given credit for.¬† Writing out the truth is powerful and go back and read it often to remind yourself.

It takes time so be patient with yourself.  Taking baby steps in the direction of healing is wise because there is pain to work through and release but you can do it!  You have many gifts and talents that have never been acknowledged yet and only you can bring them out from their repressed state of Learned Helplessness.

Whether you were the scapegoat in your family or the obedient golden child, you can heal from the trauma of Learned Helplessness.¬† Often people who experience post traumatic stress from an abusive childhood fall into this state of learned helplessness when their wounds are triggered.¬† It can feel like an inability to function, a numbness–but sometimes the feelings along with that are a mix of rage and despair.

If you have lashed out at loved ones with an intensity beyond what is appropriate¬†then you probably were a victim of a person that controlled you in an abusive way far far too much with no remorse.¬†If you were extremely sensitive (extremely emotionally gifted ūüôā ), just a mean look from his/her eyes could cause a traumatic reaction in you as a child and the fear may have felt like a spear through your heart.¬†¬†The rage and despair you feel is understandable and appropriate but needs to be directed, voiced,¬†and released at the person that did¬†this too you in a journal, letter that won’t be sent, and/or perhaps even read outloud with a safe witness friend, counselor, or coach present¬†(never to them or to their face) .¬† You will find¬†a sense of relief each time¬†you release some of this truth and the light inside of you will become brighter and brighter and you will feel lighter and lighter. You will begin to experience the essence of your true self and the vitality you deserve.¬† This is the process¬†of healing. Don’t hold onto the anger and resentment that comes up but release it completely each time, visualizing the negative emotions going up to heaven or into the earth,whichever appeals most, to be healed by love and light–Imagine love and light coming to you as well to replace these negative emotions each time to center yourself again to a peaceful state.

Why did you experience learned helplessness while your siblings did not?¬†¬†Perhaps you had the gift of high sensitivity and along with that the knowledge and expectation of a higher level of love.¬† And when you did not receive this love that you innately knew existed, you had no choice but to blame yourself because…it made no sense to you.¬† Your siblings possibly just got mad at your parents and rebelled–they may have had no higher vision of a loving existence so it didn’t feel as traumatic to them.

So you see, the cure and the answer to all of your self-doubt and learned helplessness is LOVE.¬† Love yourself as you¬†deserved to be loved and give yourself the love that you so easily give to others because that is your gift.¬† Compassion and love for yourself will help you overcome all of the many symptoms of Learned Helplessness just as consistent love and affection and kindness would help Seligman’s abused dogs to learn to trust people and trust themselves again.¬† I hope my words have been helpful to you.

With love,

Roxanne

Holiday Survival Tips–An HSPs Recovery From Artistic and Creative Self-doubt

Hi everyone.¬† It’s November!and there’s a briskness in the air and the awareness of the holidays approaching.¬† For many highly sensitive survivors that comes with¬†a bitter-sweet feeling–of light and love¬†from God above (the true reason for the season) mixed with the grief of a lost childhood and sad or painful holiday memories of being misunderstood and diminished.¬† Or it can be an overwhelming feeling of dread on some days for many reasons related to your present relationship with your some bullies in your life, and on other days of stress–being caught up in the busy-ness of getting ready for the big days ahead for your loved ones–often too busy to feel anything at all.

Depending on where you are in your recovery, it is normal for you to be feeling all of these different ways.¬† Be kind to yourself no matter how you are feeling and please try to slow down, breathe deeply and take self-care breaks–stop and be aware of the negative messages in your head and change them to kind words that you deserved as a child such as:¬† Everything is going to be all right,¬† You are doing a good job,¬† It’s okay to make mistakes,¬† You are special, deep,¬†and a rare gift to this planet.

Affirmations you can say to yourself are: ¬†I love and approve of myself, I am safe, and, my favorite, I¬†give myself permission to be the best that I can be.¬†This last one is helpful especially because¬†often others may have been threatened and jealous of your gifts and so, sensing this, because you were highly sensitive and empathic, you protected them by hiding your gifts away so they would¬†feel better.¬† Giving yourself permission to be the best that you can be can be so empowering and satisfying–like suddenly realizing, “Oh, wow, I don’t have to protect anyone anymore and I can just relax and be awesome!”¬† Many of you feel guilty for everything even for your¬†own creative and artistic gifts!¬†A caretaker from childhood may have caused you to feel shame for expressing them. ¬†Please take your gifts out of hiding and take a good look at the truth of the gifts and talents that you brought with you to this planet.¬† They are your gifts and yours alone and you deserve to enjoy and feel good about them and share them with others!

With love,

Roxanne

For more about overcoming creative self-doubt please read my post from January 28, 2010 On Overcoming Self-doubt–The Story Behind My Songs Of Hope and Healing.¬†

 

  

Journaling for Joy and Finding My True Voice In A Poem

Hello to all of you sensitive souls.¬† I hope you are enjoying this beautiful week of Indian Summer we are having. The news says that most of the U.S. is experiencing gorgeous mild temperatures and colorful changing leaves right now.¬† It is definitely my favorite time of the year and it feels like such a gift from above now that I can relax and take it in and be in the moment and fully appreciate it.¬† As many of you who follow my blog already know, it wasn’t always this way for me.¬† I used to be numb to my feelings, keeping too busy to feel, compelled to be a people-pleaser and a perfectionist, and full of self-doubt and anxiety.

There are many facets to my journey to finding my voice as a person, many of which I describe on my blog so that I might inspire other highly¬†sensitive people (HSPs) to believe in their dreams.¬† Writing out my feelings in a journal has been one of these many facets that contributed to my awakening to my true spirit which was hiding inside.¬†I have been writing poetry in a journal since the age of 14, but it wasn’t until about 2002 that I set out to to try to do Julia Cameron’s morning pages (3 pages of free writing every day) which turned out to¬†be extremely therapeutic “inner grief work” that took place¬†over a period of 5 years.¬† It was during this period that I wrote about the feeling that I was “growing a backbone” and this felt very miraculous indeed.¬† I knew I was finding my voice finally and it had been hidden away in fear for so long.¬† I was writing songs and poetry and it never really occurred to me to seriously share them with others until one day when an extra special one poured out of me.¬† When I wrote this poem, it dawned on me that I had been transformed and now, finally, I could reach out¬†and help others–something I had always wanted to do but I always felt I had to figure myself out first.¬† I had a new found sense of self and there was no going back.¬† I am very happy to be sharing¬†it with you today.

After I wrote this poem, I¬†got the idea to write a book sharing many of my poems and my growth along the way to finding my voice and that this poem would be the final one in the book–a finale of sorts.¬† However, since then I have written even more special poems and songs so I have decided to go ahead and share a shortened version of it here in my blog.¬†(I haven’t written my book yet but I plan to start it in the near future.)¬† This very special poem is entitled, “Joy, Our Birthright, Waiting There”.¬† I want to explain that I wrote this with my children in mind– when I say “and I was never there for you the way I thought I was, it’s true”.¬†¬†What this means is when I went through growth and¬†gradually had¬†more access to my true self, then I couldn’t help but feel regret about the past when I had been doing my best but I was not able to be my strong confident¬†true self yet.¬† When I expressed this regret to my children expecting them¬†to agree and feel relief¬†and tell me it had been hard for them, they both instead said they always felt I was always emotionally available to them and it meant a lot to them that I always apologized to them whenever I made emotional mistakes and they felt fully validated at each step along the way in their upbringing.¬†For this I feel extremely grateful because nothing has¬†ever been more important to me than my children feeling good about themselves and their unique gifts and breaking the cycle of dysfunction that my husband and I experienced as children.¬† Still…I can’t help but wish I knew then what I know now….

So here it is:

Joy, Our Birthright, Waiting There

By Roxanne Smith

Feb 21, 2007

Telling someone helped me heal

All the pain inside was real

No wonder I had been so tired

My whole heart had been so mired

So much grief to lead the way

Let it out, so much to say

I was never there for you

The way I thought I was, it’s true

Because I was empty ‚Äď none to give

Alive but I just now learned to live

Soulful is the proper word

I have ‚Äúme‚ÄĚ ‚Äď it sounds absurd

Let your painful feelings out

You can’t be whole and live without

Expression of unfairness do

Your soul will help you live anew

And learn compassion for your self

Don’t put feelings on a shelf

Any doubt is harmful thought

The truth is–look how far you got!

Negativity and blocks

To true self and joyful shocks

Being blamed can stunt our growth

Fear of feelings: anger, both

Also fearing joy and bliss

Pain comes up and we all miss

The connection to our rightful heir

Joy, our birthright, waiting there!

Love is what we all deserve

Joy it feels when then observed

Share it then and it comes back

Filling up the past we lacked

Helping others heal their wounds

Nothing like it ‚Äď glowing moons

Stars are twinkling, warming sun

Nature loves us one by one

Let the love come down on you

It is there don’t block the view

Doubts of self will keep it blocked

You must trust your soul’l be rocked!

With this truth I’m trying to tell

Creative soul fear-blocked is hell

Heaven is a word away

Love is here please let it stay

You deserve its welcome home

Inside you it does belong

Love yourself I’m trying to say

God is trying ‚Äď just light the way

Ask him to comfort your soul

Believe!  And he will rock and roll!

I’m not kidding this I know

I let out grief and felt a glow

A light inside I did believe

I’m OK. I feel. I grieve.

Compulsions all have fear beneath

God has no “shoulds” or “work hard” teeth

Be yourself and kindness do

Serve to help others heal anew

Help them see that love transcends

We can all relax and mend

“Relax and enjoy your life

and everything will be alright!‚ÄĚ

This phrase came in a dream so real

I hope this poem will help you heal

*  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *  *

With Love,

Roxanne

Part 2–More Helpful Tips for HSPs With A Narcissistic Parent

Hi everyone.  I am a life coach for highly sensitive people with childhood wounds and I specialize in inner child healing.  Today I am releasing Part 2 of my More Helpful Tips post for those of you Highly Sensitive Souls trying to figure out how to thrive when you have a narcissistic parent.  It may help for you to review tips 1 through 6 in my last post. To summarize, they were about: your gift of intuition; the childhood traumas you repressed to survive; anxiety, self-doubt, co-dependence and PTSD; there is hope; inner child healing can help; and no contact with your Narcissistic parent may be vital to the healing process. So here are tips 7. through 12.:

7.  Know that the GUILT is relieved by acknowledging the anger and hatred you felt as a child that you were forced to repress.

The guilt of setting boundaries in your relationship with your Narcissistic (N)¬†parent will be strong! ¬†Ignore it! It is guilt induced from elsewhere that you internalized since you were a tiny child.¬† That has affected your freedom as a gifted child to become your own wonderful self! ¬†It may feel as if they took that from you and gave you guilt, shame, and fear in it’s place.¬† So what do you do with the guilt you feel when stepping out on your own to become the person with freedom to do whatever you want with your life? ¬†HSPs tend to feel guilt for feeling anger–allow yourself to feel angry about it!¬† Righteous anger is a healthy emotion that you were not “allowed” to express to them–but it is important that you release this anger in harmless ways (not to the parent who abused you)¬†.¬† Acknowledge it, tell a safe person, or write it out in a journal (for your eyes only) in¬†detail the anger you feel for all that you lost.¬†¬†Because this rage inside that comes out sometimes in your life at the wrong people has an origin that needs to be acknowledged and let go of.¬† You have a right to acknowledge this repressed anger for the traumas that happened to you as a child–it was too painful for a child to survive this kind of excruciating, unbearable emotional¬†pain of hating your parents when you needed them so desperately.¬† So the trauma is repressed and the truth of what happened to you needs to be released so that you can finally be free.¬†Punching a mattress with your fist and/or screaming into several pillows for as long as you need to is helpful to release the rage you have kept inside all these years.¬† It helps to have a supportive and safe person present to validate your feelings as you release them. Do not hold onto this intense anger–release it and imagine this energy going away from you forever. ¬†(Forgiveness is important but not until all the layers of repressed anger are worked through and this takes time and patience with yourself–do not attempt to forgive too soon or you may get stuck in a guilt about not being able to forgive cycle.)

8. Know that grieving the loss of your childhood is part of the healing process.

Often after the release of anger¬†you will begin to feel all the hurt and pain of not being truly loved as you deserved.¬†Letting this out and releasing this is so important as well in the healing process of your wounded soul.¬†It helps so much to talk to another empathic human to feel fully validated and comforted through this grieving process–but if there is no one possible then you can write this pain out and you may even surprise yourself by the poetry that pours out of you.¬† (No rules when you write–just let it pour out).¬† These words of your soul will always surprise you– you will discover a richness and deep inner life inside of you that you never knew existed.¬† Because it was hiding in fear all this time–a very real fear–fear of your parent’s judgemental rejection and abandonment of your budding wise self.

9.  Know that it is okay for you to be FREE of them and put yourself first so you can heal.

It is a free country!¬† You are a free person¬†to do as you wish.¬† And noone knows the pain that a narcissistic parent can do to the soul of a highly sensitive child except those who have experienced it.¬† So stop waiting for approval from the rest of society. ¬†You may need to stop all contact with the harmful, negative, malignant narcissistic¬†parent in your life forever and always if that is how long it takes for you to feel safe and have inner peace. You do not even need to attend their funeral if that is something that worries you.¬†It is okay to protect yourself from all the negative energy and judgements of others at family gatherings if you¬†are feeling this will happen.¬†(This all depends upon your own personal spiritual beliefs–I personally now believe our souls live for eternity and those who truly love and support you will be there in heaven and¬†watch over you in spirit–they will understand your reasons for staying away. ¬†I believe you don’t need to go to a funeral to say goodbye or to appease family members who don’t support you either. This is something that must feel right to you and your own personal spiritual beliefs)¬† And to support you further, I just happened to hear on the radio today, a Christian counselor reminding someone that¬† “Honor thy father and mother” DOES NOT APPLY when they are emotionally abusive and use fear to control you.¬†¬†Fear is the opposite of love! ¬†It is a deal breaker and they are no longer honorable parents. ¬†God wants for you to protect yourself and go towards love in your life¬†and away from those who induce fear. I agree with this.¬† Loving parents want you to feel safe and loved–N parents do not care if you feel safe and loved, they want you to obey or else!¬† Please get yourself safe and free.

10.¬†Know that Narcissistic people are known as “Crazymakers” for a good reason.

If you have malignant narcissistic parents, they are not going to change and they are not going to stop trying to make you wrong.¬† You are not wrong for putting your life and your dreams first for a change.¬† This is your time!¬† This is your life!¬† This is your time for healing and dreaming and learning to love yourself as God has always wanted for you.¬† Malignant Narcissism is mental illness.¬† It’s a severe problem and insidious in nature because they appear to fit in with other people and have friends and thrive and look fine on the outside.¬†They may even be religious and say they are devoted to God but it is not true!¬† It is just words! ¬†They may even appear to change and will be on their good behavior around your children but don’t believe it.¬† They may even turn your kids against you in an instant if they are able.¬† ¬†There’s a hidden self-hatred there underneath in a narcissist¬†and a desire to control others with no remorse and no desire to change as a disconnected self-protection from emotional pain–a complete separation from their soul’s true essence.¬† That’s enough knowledge for you to know you need to get you and your children safe with safe boundaries in place.

11.  Know that highly sensitive people absorb the negative energy of others. Time alone and the beauty of nature can help recharge your positive  energy.

Malignant narcissists are like energy vampires sucking the good energy out of you and replacing it with all their unconscious negative feelings about themselves.¬† You feed them, so to speak, and they take it and feel better about themselves. And they constantly want more, not seeing or caring how it is hurting you.¬† Only you can stop feeding their endless need for your supply of positive energy.¬†This is what it means to develop healthy boundaries.¬† It is your very essence, your¬†“gift” that they are taking–your ability to give light and love to others.¬† You must protect this gift.¬†It is meant for those who are also of light and love so that we can build each other up and help each other so that all of our dreams can come true and we can improve life on our planet.¬† These dreams and desires that you have deep inside are the innervoice that connects you to God and the light that feeds all of us (HSPs).¬† It is the LOVE that you never got from your N parents that you begin to feel has been inside of you all along.¬† As you begin to connect with your real¬†feelings and your vitality you connect with God and the love and bliss that was there innately in our true selves.¬†¬†Love exists and you can give it to yourselves when you realize you were loved all along and were born with this love to give to others who¬†don’t exploit you.

12.  Know that you can rescue yourself!  Noone can do it for you.

Take the first steps and start on a path of healing today! ¬†Be strong and stay away from your malignant narcissistic parent while you heal and anyone who judges you for doing so.¬† You don’t need to explain¬†it to anyone.¬† Most highly sensitive people will understand without explanation.¬† They are out there–don’t give up!¬†I am proud to be a highly sensitive person and now as a life coach of inner child healing I shine my light brightly to help other sensitive souls out of the dark.¬† You have a light inside of you that has just been hiding in fear.¬† Everything is going to be all right now as the truth of who you are comes to light.¬†Please take extremely good care of yourself so your highly sensitive soul can shine and inspire others. I hope these tips have been helpful to you.

With Love and Light,

Roxanne

More Helpful Tips–For Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) With A Narcissistic Parent–Part 1

Hi everyone.¬†As highly sensitive people, many of you are struggling with how to cope with your relationship with your narcissistic parent and your unsupportive siblings and extended family.¬† First of all I want to tell you that as a life coach for people with childhood wounds, I understand your pain and how hard it is. There is very little support in our society for not having a relationship with ones’ parents no matter how negative and destructive they are to you or were to you in your childhood.¬† Many people have difficult parents but they tolerate them and seem to get by okay so why can’t you, right?¬† The pressure is very real.¬† But let me help you understand the difference between you (an HSP)¬†and everyone else with some more helpful tips that are very important for you to¬†know.

1. Know that your greatest gift is your intuition.

As a highly sensitive person (HSP), you were naturally giving and loving and trusting as children. ¬†You had high hopes for yourselves and others including your parents. ¬†People with loving and supportive¬†parents are more likely living lives full of vitality and creative fulfillment and healthy boundaries to keep negative, manipulative, harmful¬†people at a distance naturally and sharing their unique gifts with others. ¬†These people don’t feel guilty about not getting along with everyone–they just “know” there are some people who are unhealthy and dangerous–they pay attention to their natural instincts.¬† But people with a narcissistic parent were taught at a very young age, even from birth not to trust their own instincts, their own intuition.¬† The horrible thing about that is, that was their greatest gift, “their sensitive intuition”, and it was often used against them.

2. Know that you may have repressed a terrible trauma from your childhood–the loss of the knowledge of your gifts.

Possibly, if you had an N parent, then part of your sensitivities were seen as a gift for “them”.¬† They could control you easily because of your trusting nature–so often they used fear to get you to be quiet, anger to get¬†you to obey, and shame to keep you from feeling independent and strong.¬† And it worked. ¬†You trusted them and needed them to take care of you and protect you from a world that overwhelmed your sensitive souls so you…experienced a trauma that caused you to shut down your true selves and become what they wanted you to become. ¬† Something happened that was “the last straw” for your fragile but wise self that was developing. ¬†Typically it happens around age 5 or 6, according to Alice Miller (Author of The Drama of the Gifted¬†Child).¬† After an incident that you can’t remember because you have repressed it, suddenly, you are obedient and¬†sweet wanting only to please.¬† And please them you did.¬† And that is why it is so hard for them to let go of you now. ¬†You took care of them.¬† Completely and amazingly.¬† They felt loved by you and validated by you filling a void inside of them that was caused in their childhood.¬† It is as if you were the loving parent that¬†they never had.¬† That is how gifted you were.¬† Those¬†gifts of intuiting the needs of others are still there–they were just misused and abused by your needy and narcissistic parent.¬† Those gifts of being a loving and giving and caretaking soul were mis-directed.

3. Know that your childhood holds the roots of your anxiety, self-doubt, post traumatic stress, and co-dependence issues.

As you grew up and tried to do some of the¬†creative endeavors that were driven by your soul, your parent probably did not support you because they did not want you to leave them or stop taking care of their emotional needs or they just saw no harm in controlling you.¬† As narcissistic parents with no conscience or guilt, it was easy for them to manipulate you, so they did.¬† The pain of your original trauma at the age of 5 or 6 would come up for you each time you tried to express your true self and these outbursts of emotion may have been shamed and punished by your parent and made you give up each time.¬† This is the beginning of the post traumatic stress that still plagues you today.¬†” Why do I over-react in these explosive ways”, you may have asked yourself.¬† This is why.¬† Your true self and all your repressed feelings and desires from childhood still want badly to be heard and understood and validated and “loved”.¬† Your narcissistic parent was not capable of giving you this love and still is not and never will be.¬† Your love needs are still unmet.¬† You searched for love from others but sometimes,¬†because parts of you are still undeveloped and childlike, you end up being attracted to people who seem wonderful and charming at first but then turn out to be needy and manipulative and unable to comfort you when you need it most–just like your N parent.

4. Know that there is hope and you can heal.

So what is a highly sensitive person with an N parent to do?¬† You can heal and learn to love yourself and slowly unblock all those creative parts of yourself that never got a chance to be expressed.¬† You can learn to trust your self and your gifts of emotional intelligence and intuition that were seemingly robbed from you and misused and abused.¬† You can gain clarity amidst all the confusion, and hope amidst all the despair.¬† You can learn that it is okay for you to say no to other people’s demands and put yourself first.¬† You need to learn about extreme “self- care” (Cheryl Richardson–author of the book Life Makeovers) and you need a journal to pour into all the feelings from your deepest heart.¬† You need support from like-minded, highly sensitive, safe people to share the pain and grief¬†from the loss of a childhood that feels as if it was taken away from you.¬† All your desires and free impulses were repressed so that you¬†could survive with an illusion that your parent’s needs were¬†more important than your own.¬† But surviving was not really living your life.¬† Surviving is not good enough.¬† Your survival skills just cause you trouble because they are not driven by your heart, they are driven by a needy inner child trying to please a parent that felt unpleasable and without remorse about what they did to you.

5. Know that the answers are inside of you and support is available.

You need to take a new direction.¬† A direction into your own soul.¬† You need to excavate the desires of a child who never had a say in the development of his/her own life!¬† Write it out!¬† Talk it out! Cry it out!¬† Shout it out!¬† You can do this in a journal that is meant for your eyes only.¬† Or you can find a counselor or¬†coach who does inner child healing therapy.¬†¬†It’s important to find support somewhere so you can find your true voice and express it.¬† There are HSP meet-up groups in larger cities.¬† You might also look into Unitarian churches or Unity churches to meet people of a spiritual nature who are not necessarily “religious”.

6. Know that no contact with a malignant narcissistic parent is not just recommended so that you can get the time you need to heal, it is vital!

One of the first steps into this new direction of healing for yourself is ending the old song and dance and unhealthy relationship that you have with your narcissistic parent. ¬†If you’ve tried everything else and you are still miserable, that means setting boundaries on contact is an important step so that you can heal and move on with the life that you always deserved.¬† The fact that you understand the words Malignant Narcissistic is crucial here.¬† We are not talking about a parent that is capable of being remorseful about your childhood and trying to change, we are talking about a parent who blames you every time the relationship isn’t going their way–they resent the loss of control over your life that they always had.¬†Control is not love.¬†It may be time to cut off contact so you can finally heal. ¬†You do not owe them another¬†ounce of your precious energy.¬† You owe it to yourself to stay away from them as you heal, because being around them at all always takes a toll on you,¬† a toll that is much heavier and destructive and stressful and toxic to you than you may realize.

There are¬†a total of 12 tips that I have written about here today, but I am going to stop here and give you the other 6 in my next post in two weeks because this is getting really long.¬†I hope that what I have written has been helpful to you.¬† I hope that you can enjoy this last week of summer and get out in the warmth of the sunshine–slow down¬†and feel the connection to God’s love that nature provide’s and really take it in. Walks in nature are a¬†great way to recharge your energy.¬† Your highly sensitive soul and body deserve this special treatment.¬† It’s never too late to start on the path to the healing you deserve.

With Love,

Roxanne

5 Helpful Tips and Reminders for Highly Sensitive Survivors of a Narcissistic Abuse

Hi everyone.¬†Finally a new post!¬† It’s been a wonderful, eventful summer!¬†¬†It’s been very exciting and my husband and I are so proud watching our children start their new independent lives with confidence, hard work, determination,¬†and exhilaration as they¬†pursue their dreams and desires. It’s an emotional time of bittersweet endings and wonderful new beginnings for all of us.

Although we still have an entire month of summer weather left to enjoy, this time of year always seems like the beginning of a new year because of the new academic school year¬†starting locally and at universities everywhere.¬† The excitement of buying school supplies and getting new books with new subjects to learn about still affects me in a positive way.¬†¬†I was able to¬†master my ability to relax and enjoy myself in the summer, my most difficult season,¬†and truly “be in the moment”.

Now¬†I am¬†excited to be returning my focus to my true purpose in life–comforting and encouraging highly sensitive souls (HSPs) with childhood wounds to heal and feel GOOD about themselves.¬†To all of you sensitive souls out there reading this blog, I feel your presence and I understand¬†your struggles and frustrations. Here are some helpful tips and reminders for survivors of an N parent:

1.¬† Compassion for yourself is always rule #1.¬† You did a great job surviving a very difficult childhood.¬† Instead of getting loving support you may have been ridiculed and undermined.¬† You DESERVED compassion but you did not get it.¬† You must learn to give it to yourself.¬† You really can be the ideal mother or father¬†to yourself that you never had.¬† As survivors, you may often be too hard on yourselves.¬† If you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed, stop everything and be nice to yourself about it.¬† You have every right to feel stressed and overwhelmed.¬† Imagine the most loving mother comforting you through it.¬† What would she say to you?¬† “Everything is going to be all right.¬† You have worked so hard and you deserve to rest.¬† Put your feet up and I’ll get you a warm blanket.¬† How about some green tea and a warm cup of soup.”¬†ūüôā ¬†Put your worries out of your mind–does that task really have to be done today?¬† No, it does not. It is very important to know that until you have unconditional compassion and love for your self you will not have the energy to give compassion and love freely¬†to others! ¬†Healthy, loving relationships are reciprocal–you must have compassion to give to others if you want to attract people into your life¬†who are truly “giving” in return.

2.¬† Forgive yourself.¬† When you¬†have an N parent you were never taught that it’s okay to make mistakes.¬†When you make a mistake,¬†a loving parent would say to you,¬† “It’s okay, that is how we learn and you learned a lot from this–maybe it is even good that it happened.”¬† If you had this message growing up, imagine where you’d be today!¬† You could glide from one mistake to the next without beating yourself up about it, instead you would say to yourself, “that’s okay, I am only human, we all make mistakes and that is how we learn.”¬† Also forgive yourself for trusting the wrong people.¬† Because you had an N parent that you trusted¬†for a long time, you may be confused about what a healthy relationship looks and feels like.¬† It takes time to learn to love yourself and start attracting people who also love themselves and have real love to give.¬† Forgive yourself about trusting the wrong people¬†along the way, this happening is often a necessary stepping stone on your journey to finding your true selves and honoring all of your feelings.

3. Allow yourself to have some inner confusion at times.¬† We all have inner confusion at times.¬† Even Deepok¬†Chopra,¬†Eckhart¬†Tolle, and the wisest psychotherapists on earth¬†have inner confusion at times and this is how we continue to grow and learn.¬† This is part of the human experience on this planet.¬† You cannot and must not feel that you have to be on top and have it all figured out all the time!¬† Your N parent may have made you feel this way probably because you were so very bright and right so much of the time, they felt compelled to knock you down and never gave you credit for your brilliant ideas.¬† So when you weren’t on top and were naturally¬†feeling confused about some unexplained event in your lives, they probably often took this opportunity to point out to you, “See you aren’t so great, this happened to you and this is proof!¬† This may have very confusing and painful¬†to you which just further made you harder on yourselves.¬† You may have said to yourselves,¬†“I must never let people see that I don’t have it all figured out. I must be even more perfect!”¬† If you can see how unfair this was to you as a child and how you deserved to feel okay about having inner confusion, you will feel much relief and realize you deserve to be… human.¬† It is so unhealthy trying to be perfect.¬† You must allow yourself to grieve for the time you spent feeling unworthy of acceptance and that you are not good enough as you are in each given moment.¬† Sometimes you have inner confusion–it is okay…let it be.¬† In time, the lesson you were to learn from it will be learned and you will progress again towards expressing¬†your true voice.

4.¬† Guilt, shame, and doubt are thoughts and feelings from elsewhere to be ignored.¬† Ignoring your “inner critic” is hard to do because it feels like it’s your “self” telling you these negative messages so you think it must be true.¬† But these messages and feelings are not from your true self–they are incorrect beliefs from surviving your N parent which you have internalized!¬† You can learn to recognize them and identify them as your “inner critic” which you must ignore.¬† It is not the truth!¬† Your inner critic is WRONG about you.¬† Most often the exact opposite is true.¬† When you become conscious of your “inner critic” you can over-ride your thoughts with positive affirmations such as “I love and approve of myself”.¬† Getting in the habit of catching yourself¬† when you are unconsciously beating yourself up will change your life!¬† When you can stop your negative thoughts and know and believe that they aren’t true, your true purpose and compassionate¬†self will begin to emerge.¬†This is not easy and this leads into my next tip.¬† Sometimes you must get help from a safe person you trust fully to grieve and let out the pain from your abused inner child before you can begin to change these negative beliefs about yourself.

5.¬†Consider¬†reaching out and getting help.¬† If you are projecting bouts of anger and despair onto your loved ones and are confused about why this is happening,¬†it helps to understand the roots of this confusing pattern.¬†In inner child grief work, this is called “transference”¬†and is a very important and necessary part of the healing process. It is as if you must pull the other person into the drama of the original feelings from childhood so that you can process these feelings and heal them in the present day. Post traumatic stress (PTSD) is the eruption of past unresolved childhood pain into your relationships in the present. If you don’t understand what is happening it can wreak havoc on your present relationships. But if you work this out with¬†a skilled coach or counselor that you fully trust, you can learn to understand your feelings as they come up and you will not need to act on them. You can learn how if you are able to display the out-of-control feelings with this safe person¬†who is able to stay impartial and unaffected and still be compassionate even to angry or blaming projections.¬†Depending on the severity of the abuse and the transference symptoms, look for¬†an experienced and sensitive counselor or coach with knowledge of inner child healing and are humanistic in their approach.¬† As a coach I can help clients with mild symptoms of post traumatic stress–I have¬†experience with this as I not only worked through my own transference and projections with a therapist but also because my husband and I worked through our projections and transference from our childhoods onto each other to the point of working through most of our co-dependence issues. We were able to do this because of our deep trust in each other and because of my training, my own self-growth which had to happen first,¬†and my knowledge about healthy communication skills, grieving our losses,¬†and what constitutes healthy boundaries.¬†

¬†I will be sharing even more helpful healing tips here on my blog in the coming weeks and months.¬† As a highly sensitive person who survived an N parent, you can learn techniques to love yourself and¬†heal¬†your¬†childhood wounds so that you can have the peace of mind and confidence in yourself that you DESERVE.¬† I hope that my tips have been comforting to you.¬† You are a special highly sensitive soul and your healing is necessary so your God-given gifts and true self can¬†be actualized¬†and all your dreams can come true.¬† You survived a N parent–be kind to yourself!¬†¬†Now is your time for¬†healing.¬† I care and I am here for you.

With love,

Roxanne

Perfectionism, The Highly Sensitive Person, and How Grieving Our Childhood Pain Is Essential To Healing

 

Hi everyone.¬† I hope you are enjoying the summer.¬† I hope you are not heaping lists of ¬†“shoulds”¬†on yourself (home improvements etc.) to accomplish–only to¬†realize, “What was I thinking?! ¬†I can’t do all this stuff!–the KIDS are home!”¬† ha ha.¬† Yes I remember, and I still do it somewhat but this summer is SO much better. ¬†Back then it was a priority for me to make happy,¬†fun summer memories for my children and connecting with them emotionally.¬†I always ended up throwing out my long list of shoulds.¬† If you don’t, you end up saying to yourself,¬†“I didn’t get this done and I didn’t get that done.¬† Instead make a list of all the things you DO accomplish after they happen–write down each special conversation, each walk in nature, each memorable meal together etc.¬† By the end of the summer you will have a¬†wonderful¬†memoir of how special your summer actually was instead of a list of what you didn’t get done.

Even¬†with my best efforts when my children were growing up, I¬†was too busy satisfying their needs for a fun summer¬†and way too many¬†“shoulds” for myself that¬†I often felt like I missed¬†it–summer would just zip by me and I was left feeling regret.

I think often times we are busy like that to avoid our painful feelings that we may have experienced in childhood. We found ways to cope and survive the lack of love, encouragement, acknowledgement, and acceptance we all desperately¬†wanted and needed.¬†We are perfectionists, compulsive over-workers, compulsive shoppers, compulsive list-makers, and then call ourselves procrastinators because we put things off–but it’s really because we have unrealistic expectations of what we need to accomplish.

As highly sensitive children, it seemed to us that nothing we ever did was praised or applauded as we deserved unless it was something others wanted us to be doing.¬† This was so confusing to us so we rationalized that we must not be doing enough or doing it well enough.¬† Now when we overwork because of perfectionism it is because we are still trying to fill an unmet need from childhood–one that will never be met but can be resolved if we allow our sadness about the truth of it all to come to the surface.¬† Grief is a positive, healthy¬†emotion that is necessary to heal your childhood wounds.¬† You deserved so much more–you deserved…”love”.¬† You did not get what you felt you needed and you may feel you are still not getting it.¬† The problem is not with you…you are so loveable!¬† Aren’t you!¬† You know it.¬† You are smiling right now aren’t you¬†because you know it on some deep level. ūüôā¬† That is the truth that you must listen to.¬† The love you need and deserve exists–we know what we deserved.¬† ¬†

For some reason, we may feel we were born into situations where we couldn’t get love the way our souls needed to be loved.¬† I had a hard time resolving this–it didn’t make sense.¬† I was drawn to reading a lot of new age books on spirituality to figure this out.¬†¬†Reading all these books really helped me get a new perspective.¬† I now believe that I may have more innate inner strength than certain family members.¬† I am able to grow and give to others even more because of my childhood wounds. We (HSPs) see the truth, we KNOW we deserve love and better treatment and we know we don’t deserve feeling bad about ourselves any longer.¬† When someone sees you as LESS THAN and you know you¬†deserve more–you don’t have to be around that person. ¬†You may need to try a few times to get them to see you and understand you, but if you keep on coming up short in their eyes, and this is causing you a great deal of stress, then it’s time to distance yourself from them and get some healing support. Some of us can’t even try¬†to be ourselves with them–it’s too excruciating to re-experience the rejection, so we must just leave for as long as it takes so that we can begin to heal.

We all NEED acceptance.¬† It’s very important to look elsewhere for people who accept you and understand your self-expression for support.¬† We (HSPs)¬†eventually grow from the pain of it all, and we learn to rely on our selves if we can get away from the negativity that unhealthy family members, bullies, and/or society¬†use to control us and keep us DOWN.¬† They know we are different and special and yet maybe they are not as evolved as we are¬†and so it seems they do not have the inner strength to say,¬† “Wow you have these great gifts of sensitivity and awareness and depth–you are different from us, you should go out into the world and share your knowledge, vision, gifts, and message of love and peace to the world–we understand and we are in awe of you.¬† So GO, fly away and be the¬†best that you can be!” ha ha Wouldn’t that be the greatest to hear anyone say that!?!

In order for them to say that to us, they would have to be very secure and love themselves a lot (or be an HSP like you). ¬†It could be they don’t love themselves at all. They may want to control us because they have so much pain and if we leave them¬†it makes them feel their pain so they blame us.¬† They may not have the “insight” to see what we see or want what we want and to see that their pain has nothing to do with us.¬† We are holding ourselves back, waiting for their permission to leave.

Reading the books on spirituality helped me to believe that my spirit (everyone’s spirit) ¬†is going to live for all eternity and the lessons I learn in this lifetime will never be forgotten.¬†I believe we all evolve at different levels and different speeds and some of us souls are more advanced than others.¬†We (HSPs)¬†are continuously healing our post traumatic stress from our very real childhood wounds, and¬†it is necessary for us to separate from those who caused these wounds and move forward toward new healthier people. ¬†We must not feel guilty for healing–I believe GOD wanted us to be all that we can be and he is with us in all our healing.¬† We each have different limits to what negativity we can be around–we need to honor these limits and take care of ourselves whatever¬†it takes! ¬†Alice Miller often talks¬†about the “never-ending work of mourning” in her books and how important¬†the grieving process is for our recovery–we must accept it as essential to our healing¬†and to our eventual¬†freedom from¬†our inner-prison of self-doubt.

¬†Perhaps our highly sensitive souls are more evolved and we chose (with the gift of God’s free will)¬†to have these experiences in this lifetime to learn about the pain of rejection and about our own strength in overcoming it.¬† Maybe we chose them so we could learn what not to do to our own children and develop empathic skills to help others by surviving such treatment as children. I know that I am finally glad to be me, and I am proud of myself for all that I have figured out and how this knowledge has helped a lot of other people to¬†heal.¬†

The grieving process has opened my life up to the most wonderful feelings of joy, love, and trust in my creativity, and this is what keeps me going in this direction.¬† When I love and value myself and my feelings, all of them, I have more to give others to help them to heal as well.¬† I believe we are all highly sensitive for a very special reason and may need to heal separately from our families until we are strong enough to not be triggered and to give back to others…others who are ready to heal and ready to feel.

With support we can grieve for not getting the love we feel we needed and we can have a happy, healthy, guilt-free, and independent life.  The joy and relief you will feel when you allow yourself to grieve will feel wonderful and so you will know you are going in the right direction.  If you need help grieving and someone to listen, this is what this blog community is here for.  Thank you sensitive souls out there for being here on the planet.  

Thank you to all my commenters for sharing your pain and experiences and encouragement–your words are so helpful to others who have not yet found their voice.

Please also check out my new pages called¬†“Portrait of an INFJ, …INFP, and …INTJ”. ¬† Very many of my clients have turned out to be these three temperament types (but not all) and I believe it would benefit those who are to read the description of your true potential as was written in Keirsey and Bates book on temperament types. (See Recommended Books).¬† It certainly gave me hope when I read it and I hope it does the same for you. ¬†

With love,

Roxanne

The Misjudgment of Introverts and the True Meaning of Introversion

Hi everyone.¬† The Fourth of July is coming soon!¬† I hope you are able to enjoy Independence Day with the knowledge that you are a special highly sensitive person (HSP)¬†and you deserve independence and freedom to be you. ūüėÄ ¬†Because this is typically a family holiday, it can bring up and trigger memories and childhood wounds of loneliness and pain–large get-togethers¬†with people and possibly not one of them really understanding you because you were an HSP.¬† And in most cases you were probably an “introvert”–70% of HSPs are!¬† The word introvert is highly misunderstood and it is important to me that I set the record straight on the true meaning of the word and how it’s perception and judgement can be damaging to those of us who are born-introverts.

When you hear the word introvert or introverted you probably have heard the wrong meaning with such comments as:¬† ¬†“He became introverted because of his fear of his abusive father”;¬†or “I used to be an introvert but then I got some confidence and came out of my shell”.¬† These examples of the word are used very¬†often in the media¬†but these usages are incorrect!¬† The correct word in these examples¬†should be the word “insecure” instead.¬† The real meaning of introvert is not insecure or turned inward out of fear as most people have been taught to believe.

The book Please Understand Me by David Keirsey and Marilyn Bates explains about each of the temperament types in a wonderful and positive way and explains the true meaning of being an introvert. When I was 23, I was told about this book by my counselor at the time who had her PhD  in Clinical Counseling Psychology and, when I read it, it changed my life in a major way due to its wonderful explanation.  Since then I have known I am an introvert like her and am very proud to proclaim it!

The book explains it so well:¬† In¬†1920 Jung invented the psychological types and believed that people are different in fundamental¬†ways.¬† In 1950¬†the idea of temperament types was revived when Isabel¬†Myers and her mother Kathryn Briggs devised the Myers-Briggs type indicator–a tool for indicating 16 different patterns of action.¬†Keirsey¬†and Bates later came up with a book with a similar temperament sorter and a¬†self-test to take.¬†¬†Here is Keirsey and Bates’ definition of¬†an introvert, word for word, from their book:

“…the introvert is territorial.¬† That is, he desires space.¬† Introverts seem to draw their energies from a different source than do extroverts.¬† Pursuing solitary activities, working quietly alone, reading, meditating, participating in activities which involve few or no other people–these seem to charge the batteries of the introvert.¬† Thus, if an extreme introvert goes to a party, after a “reasonable” period of time–say half an hour–he is ready to go home.¬† For him, the party is over.¬† He is not a¬†party pooper; rather, he was pooped by the party.”

“Introverts, too, are likely to experience a sense of loneliness–when they are in a crowd!¬† They are most “alone” when surrounded by people, especially strangers.¬† When waiting in a crowded airport or trying to enjoy themselves at noisy cocktail parties, some introverts report experiencing a deep sense of isolation and disconnectedness.¬† This is not to say that introverts do not like to be around people.¬† Introverts enjoy interacting with others, but it drains their energy in a way not experienced by extroverts.¬† Introverts need to find quiet places and solitary activities to recharge, while these activities exhaust the extrovert.¬† If the latter goes to a library to do research, for example, he may have to exercise strong will power to prevent himself, after fifteen minutes or so, from taking a “short brain break” and striking up a conversation with the librarian.”

“It is quite the opposite with an introvert, who can remain only so long in interaction with people before he depletes his reserves.”

“The question always arises, “Does not an extrovert also have an introverted side and does not an introvert also have an extraverted side?¬† Yes, of course,¬† but the preferred attitude, whether it be extraversion or introversion, will have the most potency and the other will by the “suppressed minority”.¬† The preferred attitude will be expressed in the conscious personality.¬† The suppressed minority is only partly in consciousness and reflects “what happens to one.”¬† This less-favored side of a person’s temperament is less differentiated and is less energized, and is apt to be more primitive and undeveloped.¬† Jung even claims that if, through pressure on the part of the mother, the child is coerced into living out of his inferior side, this falsification of type results in the individual’s becoming disturbed in later life.”

“If a person prefers extraversion, his choice coincides with about 75 percent of the general population (Bradway, 1964).¬† Only 25 percent reported introversion as their preference, according to Myers (Bradway, 1964).¬† Indeed, Western culture seems to sanction the outgoing, sociable, and gregarious temperament.¬† The¬†notion of anyone wanting or needing much solitude is viewed rather often as reflecting an unfriendly attitude.¬† Solitary activities frequently are seen as ways to structure time until something better comes along, and this something better by definition involves interacting with people.¬† As a consequence, introverts are often the ugly duckling in a society where the majority enjoy sociability.¬† There is the story about a mother heard to protest loudly and defensively, “My daughter is not¬† an introvert.¬† She is a lovely girl!””

“Introverts have reported that they have gone through much of their lives believing that they ought to want more sociability, and because they do not, are indeed ugly ducklings who can never be swans.¬† As a result, the introvert seldom provides adequately for his very legitimate desire for territoriality, for breathing room, without experiencing a vague feeling of guilt.”

“Cue Words:¬† The main word which differentiates an extrovert from an introvert is sociability as opposed to territoriality, but the extrovert also finds breadth appealing where the introvert finds the notion of depth more attractive.¬† Other notions which give a cue to this preference are the idea of external as opposed in internal; the extensive as opposed to the intensive; interaction as opposed to concentration; multiplicity of relationships as opposed to limited relationships; expenditure of energy as opposed to conservation of energy; interest in external happenings as opposed to interest in internal reactions.”

Reading this for the first time really validated who I was on a deep level and¬†changed me for the better!¬† I was so excited!¬† Finally I had an explanation for who I was and I¬†felt relieved of the shame and the sense of being flawed and not good enough!¬† I hope this information does the same for you.¬†You may want to go out and buy the book and read the whole thing as I did–I highly recommend it as a handbook for your life and helpful in understanding yourself and in understanding all the other temperament types as well.

Fellow introverts, it is my own belief that introversion is innate in us and that we cannot change it.  I believe that it is helpful to explain it to others by using the word introspective or inner-directed.  It is an innate gift of introspection and inner-directedness that connects you to experience everything on a deeper level.  Extroverts who do not understand this might have you believe that you are LESS THAN because you are different and thoughtful before you speak.  Shyness, however, is more prone to the insecure extrovert and NOT to the introvert who can be happy alone and without fear because the confidence comes from within and not needing validation from others but only from the self.  This inner-connectedness can feel spiritual and healing to us when we learn to recharge by allowing ourselves to feel connected to God and nature and the magic of the universe.

If you are an introvert, I hope that this information¬†has been helpful to you.¬† Introverts can experience painful rejection and judgement from 75% of the population who through no fault of their own have been incorrectly taught about the meaning of the word or taught to judge others who act more introspectively.¬† I don’t know very many extroverts¬†who really understand¬†introverts.¬†Years ago, ¬†I showed the above quotes to an extraverted friend with her Masters in Social Work, after I explained and showed her the book, kept saying to me, “are you sure you are an introvert?¬† You don’t seem like an introvert?”¬†And a¬†sensitive yet extraverted¬†professor of psychology in college made me feel just awful about myself repeatedly for not being more outgoing and more like “him”.¬† ‘But there are¬†extroverts who do¬†get it and appreciate introverts and all others for all their differentness¬†and uniqueness so please don’t judge extroverts now that I’ve explained how wonderful introverts are!¬† Nevertheless we are outnumbered by 75%!¬† We introverts must learn to love and appreciate ourselves exactly the way we are and start standing up for ourselves and educating the world on the true meaning of introversion.¬†I love being an introvert!¬† It is a very big part of who I am and I am very proud of it and wouldn’t have it any other way!

Elaine Aron reports on the home page of her website that 30% of all HSPs are extroverts so to you extroverted HSPs who get comfort and encouragement from my site, I apologize for leaving you out of this weeks post. Please know that my intention is to educate everyone that not one type is better than any other and the whole point is for us all to see the specialness in each other as unique souls with unique talents and gifts that we bring to share with the world.  Thanks to all for reading!

With Love,

Roxanne

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