Category Archives: development of a false self to survive
Part 3 (Final) of Heart To Heart Update
Hello everyone! If you’ve been feeling extra tired, or extra emotional, or stuck, or triggered, I believe the full moon today is causing energies that are helping us to clear out some deep unhealed layers of childhood pain. I personally have been very tired and journaling a lot to work through heavy, dark feelings of self-doubt and unworthiness — which hasn’t been easy. Some of my best songs and poems arise at times like these and I’ll be sharing them here hopefully soon to help anyone who resonates and would like to feel hopeful about their emotional state. The poem I wrote on Oct. 1 that I mentioned in my last post will be shared in my next post–I read it again today and it was helpful in moving out the stuck emotions I felt today so I plan to share that in the coming few days.
Now, on with Part 3!–Here’s the last part of my heart to heart series to update everyone on what I’ve been doing while I was on a break from writing regularly on this blog. This post is a long one–future posts will be much shorter for easier reading I promise!
Continuing with sharing the story of my journey to finally start performing, let me just say it took until fall of 2017 for me to feel ready to start looking for paid gigs–I had been practicing a 2 hour set of my songs (including playing guitar) for many months while we got settled in our new house (Oct. 2016) before I felt ready to reach out to venues as a professional musician. Then on one courageous day, I took the leap and did it–made phone calls and sent emails with a demo video I had made.
I found 2 local venues (a branch of Breweries, and a winery) that were encouraging local artists and paid, albeit meagerly, for 2 hours of a mix of original folk rock and cover songs by my favorite artists: James Taylor, Carole King, The Eagles, Linda Ronstadt, Bonnie Raitt, Neil Young, and more! My album and the demo I made with performance videos from my open mic nights helped convince them to give me a chance and soon I was performing once a month then twice a month and then eventually 4 times a month. By the end of the summer of 2018 I was doing 3 hour gigs as well with several hired guitarists that I had duos with. Phew!
I stopped in September to take a break and get organized with my coaching and this blog and also to celebrate!– because I feel over a hump and ready to branch out and collaborate with some new musicians and look for higher paying venues. Breaking through a glass ceiling that I never thought I could achieve brings up surprising amounts of grief and emotional pain and is not all just happiness, ease, and fun. Yes, when you have childhood wounds that kept you in a state of hiding most of your life, you must keep up with the positive affirmations and self-care of course but also make time for grieving the loss of all the years you didn’t believe in yourself and your gifts. It’s important to leave time for emotional healing and not spread yourself too thin. It took some time for me to find a balance that worked for me.
Okay, so now on a new topic, not only have I been performing and working on my music career, but I have also developed some new life coaching skills and emotional healing tools. From 2014 to now and continuing, I have been working with various intuitive coaches, energy healers, and spiritual counselors. Through my seeking and thirst for knowledge about the spiritual realms, I have developed my own intuitive abilities to the point where I am proud to say that I am now a channel for spiritual guidance as an Akashic Record Reader and you can read more about this on my new life coaching website. Yay! It’s very exciting! I realize now that I have always had this ability on some level but now I am able to ask for and receive spiritual inner guidance with greater clarity and greater confidence, knowing, and with greater tools to help others.
And this is because: I have had to continually be doing intense emotional healing of my own. Layers of pain coming up to the surface with each new success–the pain and doubt doesn’t just magically go away one day when you have many childhood wounds–having given up on myself at the age of 5 and banished my true self and my dreams away to develop a false self that was hiding and codependent, a people pleaser, and a rescuer–I’ve had to continue to work on healing all of these issues! I’ve continually been working through the PTSD that results from having the abandonment wounds (from being hospitalized as a toddler) and also working through shame and feeling unsafe to be my true self as a child and throughout my early adulthood. I had learned how to survive by hiding away my true desires and gifts and dreams so completely that I gave up on my music for 20 years while raising my children. Perhaps you can relate!
And so now here I am an empty nester, feeling like I’m in my 30’s (due to a healthy diet and new tools), pursuing a singing career, to share my songs that flow out of me– sometimes from my wounded heart but mostly from the bright light of hope inside of me that knows my purpose on the planet is to write and sing music and also give hope to others who cannot find their way up and out of the painful layers that often feel too heavy to break through.
As I write this I realize I’ve learned and sharpened so many tools since 2012: I learned ways to replenish and to re-energize my adrenals; continued my healthy diet; exercise regularly for strength and endurance; made myself more disciplined to practice my music as a priority; tap into spirit often to sharpen those innate intuitive skills and gifts; continue to write poetry and songs as I work through the emotional challenges; I have opened myself up to spiritual knowledge about ascension symptoms, upgrades to the planet, and even the effect of past lives on our current incarnations; practice extreme self-care as I continue to grow from life’s challenges and surprises, and remind myself that the rule #1 from this blog still applies and was really ground-breaking at that time.
And that is that Self-Compassion is rule #1!
I’m grateful to this blog for this all important bit of wisdom to come forth–because it was writing here to you all that caused this bit of wisdom to be born!
And so I say thank you to all of you that are part of this highly sensitive, compassionate, and spiritually awakened community of Hope and Healing from Childhood Wounds. I hope it continues to be a haven of safety for your wounded inner child to come and get strong–as a cocoon for you to grow your wings at your own pace and try out your new wings when you are feeling strong enough to go for your dreams. As always my message is: You Can Do It!! …And have compassion and kindness for yourself as the pain comes up to heal with each success! Because you are strong enough to feel it, comfort yourself through it, acknowledge that you absorbed negativity you didn’t deserve, release it, rest, and rise again!
Rest here in this haven anytime you wish, and reach out to this community or just read the comments from the hundreds who have reached out with their stories of childhood wounds and emotional healing in the comment sections. I would love to hear from you! Please leave a comment to let me know you are helped by what I am sharing or if you are new to this community so that I can welcome you.
Wishing all of you comfort, inner peace, and so much love as you continue to heal,
NOW Is A Good Time… For Emotional Healing
Hi everyone! Now that it’s Spring, the warmth is finally here in the midwestern part of the USA! Yay!! I feel happier when the temperatures are warmer and I can get outside and enjoy nature and recharge. As a HSP healing from childhood wounds, I am still figuring out what makes me happiest and what I “like” most in life–right now I like thinking about some day moving to a warmer climate during the winter months! 😉
As HSP children, your “job” may have been to often to take care of your own parents’ feelings so you didn’t dare even ask yourself “What do I want?, How do I feel?, and What are my dreams and desires? Perhaps it can be “fun” now to “create” a life for yourself that is purely satisfying to “you”. This is not being selfish for HSPs who have spent their lives putting others’ feelings and happiness first. This is realizing your feelings and desires are meant to be your “compass” for finding direction and satisfaction in your life!
Even after all of your recovery and replacing a negative inner critic with a very consistent feeling of love and protection for yourself and you inner child, do you still sometimes wake up with a feeling of shame that surprises you? It may usually happen after a day when you really asserted your voice and followed your heart (I have written about this before). Try to see that as evidence of how your shining light as a child may have been a threat to a narcissistic or bullying caretakers and they had to bring you “down”. “Get off of your high horse!”, “Who do you think you are!?”, “How dare you be happy when I am not happy!?”, and “Straighten up and fly right!”–Were these phrases (spoken or implied silently with mean looks (angry eyes)) ones that come to mind that were a daily occurrence to shame and control you as a child?
Now that you may be working on changing the core beliefs about yourself, it is also helpful to reframe all those events with how you would have voiced your opposition if you had felt safe and knew you were loved and supported by the Universe. Talking back to the inner critic is acknowledging it is there and then saying what you need to say to yourself to be an emotionally healthy soul–say, “I like being on my high horse!–it is good to feel proud of myself!”, “I think I am an amazing and gifted person!”, “Everyone is free to pursue their own happiness–it’s in the Constitution!”, and “Your right way and my right way are 2 different things!” If you had felt safe and strong as a child and had been able to say these things in your childhood without being shamed and punished, then your true self would have survived and you would not have had to push your feelings underground and develop a false self that was fearful and obedient. You can say it NOW and reclaim your strength that it didn’t feel safe for you to have. It is very healing to your wounded soul when you express the truth about yourself, either silently, out loud, or in a journal–express your true voice!
Just realizing you have an inner critic that stops you from enjoying your life and feeling good about yourself is the first step–writing out all the mixed messages swimming around your brain and getting them on paper in a journal will help you to realize that your inner critic has taken over. I no longer have to journal to realize when I am listening to my inner critic–I recognize the negative feeling right away, acknowledge it, and say to myself “that is ridiculous and that is not true about me!”
The real truth is I am a shining light of God’s love and I am perfect just the way I am! You are perfect just the way you are too! There is nothing wrong with you! You just have self-doubt– “doubt” just means questioning the truth–the truth is there but it takes courage to Believe It! Believe it because it is true–you are perfect exactly as you are NOW in this moment! And you deserve the LOVE, COMFORT, COMPASSION, and ENCOURAGEMENT that you never got during childhood. You can learn to give it to yourself!
For myself, any shame feeling I get in the morning goes away immediately as I shoo it away and replace it with love for myself and with my new core beliefs: “This shame is not mine and not true and I have nothing to be ashamed of!” Poof! Gone! I also say, “Wow, I must have done something amazing and authentically me yesterday, I am on the right path!” Then I can’t wait to get up and enjoy my day, my way! I love my life and I am grateful that I am free to enjoy it now.
I feel my true purpose is to help others who are struggling to love themselves because of these very complex, negative messages that were engrained in their brains since early childhood. It is not easy but growing new loving neural pathways in your brain is possible and I am living proof. I hope that by my example I can help those of you struggling, suffering, and occasionally falling into pits of despair to climb out and break free from the negative energy “soup” that can engulf the soul of an emotionally needy HSP. It takes time so please be patient with yourself if you fall backwards sometimes.
The key is to keep on feeling the feelings and comforting yourself through them–it is a grieving process. You will come out the other side–to truth, light, and a connection to the Universe that no one can ever take away from you–it is innate in you and as a HSP you are a loved and highly evolved soul with compassion and light for others as your greatest gift. You are going to be okay if you allow yourself to believe these things NOW–start today. I am here, I understand–I have been lost, and now I am found. NOW is the time to begin to love yourself without shame. You can do it! This blog post was written for YOU!
After a weekend visit with our grown son who lives in Chicago, I felt energized, so energized that I wrote a new poem–even though I am a pretty extreme introvert and we had a very extraversion-filled weekend. I was energized because of the quality of the relationship we have with our son and we all so enjoyed each others company and enjoyed being positive, building each other up, expressing our love and appreciation for each other, and having fun together. So when we returned I was standing in my kitchen and had to grab paper and a pen because I felt this poem just had to be expressed. I just let it flow out of me and when I was done I realized I was still “standing up” in my kitchen! (leaning against the counter 🙂 ) I am so glad I listened to that still small voice in my head that said to write this down. Here is the poem that flowed out of me that cold, winter, sunday evening after our trip:
NOW Is A Good Time
By Roxanne Smith
Feb. 18, 2013
NOW’s a good time to nurture yourself and your feelings
To release the past and all painful dealings.
The pain’s coming up NOW so you’ll see the truth
of how you weren’t seen and loved in your youth.
The child inside, he or she yearns to be free.
The pain is just blocking your feelings of glee.
Joy and great gladness are all waiting there.
Waiting until you feel the truth and despair.
What happened to you was awful and sick
The pain you repressed was unbearable and thick.
You were too small and dependent back then
but now you are safe so the wounds can open
and your soul wants to heal these wounds from within.
You cannot move higher until you tell the truth of your kin.
How they poked you and pulled you down each time you succeeded
’til you gave up and blamed yourself… but they weren’t what you needed.
You were a bright star with a higher energy.
They were jealous and threatened by your desire to be free.
So you hid your true self until a much safer time–
It’s safe NOW so your soul is crying out as a sign
to be kind to your inner child who is coming out—please allow!
Don’t beat yourself up for feeling bad NOW.
Because you’re rising up from patterns ingrained in your head.
New ways of being are in your soul, time to shed
all the old pain, it must be felt to be released.
It is gone forever once you see the danger has ceased.
The danger was real then, don’t ever forget it
but now you choose new friends who are not like your inner critic.
You are learning your true self is a compassionate soul
who is kind to others and that is your role.
So being kind to your self is the very first step.
All day everyday you must give yourself pep!
Don’t listen to your inner critic—it is wrong and so mean
like those who abused you and weren’t nice as they seem.
You deserved better and NOW you must give it to your soul.
The more you are kind, the more you’ll feel Whole!
Each layer of pain will dissolve as you express
all of your confusion and unhappiness.
How could this be… you thought: “I was bad and wrong”
but really blaming “YOU” was unfair all along.
You were a bright light never harming a flea–
so easy to control because you trusted completely.
I hope you can see that you can reframe your past.
Replace those mean moments with self-love that will last.
Accepting Love from Above will change your beliefs about your core.
Who you are YOU must love so your dreams can then soar!
You are gifted and brilliant, a gift to us all.
You are treasured by those others who also feel this call.
The call’s mixed with pain and feeling bad about your childhood.
When you change your beliefs you will see your soul’s all Good!
Then you can reconnect with your self and find creativity and fun.
You’ll learn to relax and recharge from the sun.
Learn to listen to your body instead of working too hard.
You’ll get lots more done when you “play” in your yard.
Allowing yourself to enjoy being you
will slow you down and allow the pain to come through.
After a good cry, each time you’ll feel better–
lighter and lighter ‘til you’re light as a feather.
And allowing yourself to have space that is yours—
new boundaries to protect yourself will help open doors.
You must learn to feel grounded and connected to the earth.
This will help you feel solid and put yourself first.
You deserve to be happy and that starts with self-care.
After you are grounded, then you will become aware
that lifting up others is your gift and your purpose
and there’s a billion others out there who are not just kind on the surface.
They are deep and compassionate—you are not alone.
We are healing together as we feel grace and atone.
We did our best with all that we have known.
NOW we know it’s okay to be angry, then let it go.
Don’t hold onto blame, but blame needs to be spoken.
Release it and move on—don’t yell at the broken.
You are higher than they are (those who brought you down).
You don’t need to punish—you can just leave town
to start a new life and create all that your dreams can arrange.
Move forward… not fixing those who don’t want to change.
Trust these new feelings that spark in your heart.
Healing is painful but that’s only part.
This feeling’s inside that you’re finally alive!
Keep going with following your passions inside.
Don’t compare yourself to others—you have a new gig!
Let desires be your guide and your success will be BIG.
If you do this and trust your intuition inside
your internal guidance will help you to thrive.
Sometimes you’ll get stuck so you’ll need to be kind
to yourself when you inner critic starts messing with you mind.
Drop down to your heart instead of your head.
If you need to cry about something that was said,
grieve for this loss, the wrong path where you were led.
It hurt you so much, childhood pain must be shed
so we can see, that NOW we’re safe and free
And we would have parented differently!
And that’s good you are different and unique and that’s great!
I hope you can see that it’s never too late.
We often must go backward to move forward to be free.
You can heal and find wholeness—take it from me!
I found here a community of souls who relate–
I share how I healed and how sensitivity is great!
By journaling out the pain, I had new eyes to see.
My true voice was found, then my true self was free!
I know it sounds simple but it took a long time.
Try to trust in your feelings, then all will be fine.
As I followed my pain I got signs from above:
“relax and enjoy” and best “You are loved!”
I know of your pain– I know just how you feel.
It happened to me and I learned how to heal
So NOW as you journey from wounded to whole
I hope that these words will comfort your soul.
Please share your feelings in a comment if this post resonates with you. Your comments also help others who are still struggling to find their voice. We can help uplift each other higher as a community of compassionate souls. Thank you for reading. Have a wonderful Spring–may the warmth of the Universe envelope you and comfort you NOW as you heal and grow to your true potential.
With love, light, and my deepest compassion,