Holiday Help! Tips For Super Self-Compassion and Lavish Self-Love!
Hello Everyone! I’m sending Love and Comfort to everyone who feels emotional pain right now with the holidays approaching. It’s your wounded “inner child” just needing some extra love from …YOU! Take some time to write/journal from your inner child’s perspective—you deserved to be seen and loved and you did not get it! 
Now you can give it to yourself! 💞 You are a gifted, sensitive soul! If you need someone to listen and be a witness, hold space for you as you grieve the losses of an unhappy childhood, I can help. Just reach out to truevoicelifecoaching.com. But It is not my intention to sell services right now but to just purely give comfort to those who need it!
Please know you are loved from above and you have a guardian angel sending you insights to help you right this minute. Maybe it is your guide that is inspiring me to share this message so that you will see it! 😇 There is so much hope because LOVE heals and you are pure love that’s still learning how to flow. We all are! You are not alone.
I hope that you will feel free to do what makes your soul feel comforted with no apologies. Having a good cry can do wonders to clear it all out if you haven’t allowed yourself this luxury. Permission granted to release all your despairing feelings that have been held inside. I’m always amazed how much better I feel after a good hard cry! It’s always quicker than I think it will be too! What’s life for anyway if we can’t be REAL, right?! 
We all need comfort sometimes and some of us need it more than others. Often the most gifted, creative souls feel the most misunderstood and so can’t find the way to share their gifts with the world. Remember the Beatles song HELP—it’s a universal human necessity to reach out for help. We all need help sometimes.
Comforting and guiding those who are doing their inner child healing work is my purpose—through my songs, through my Reiki, and through my session work with clients. I feel so blessed that through my own healing journey I discovered the joy of helping others find their creative flow and wholeness again. 
So I am sending you love and wishing you a Holiday that is rich in self-compassion and comfort!! You deserve it! Along with you favorite select food indulgences, take an extra heaping helping of Lavish Self-Love, and Super Self-Compassion—(I know that you are the opposite of selfish in general as you tend to put everyone else’s needs before your own. It’s time for that people-pleasing to stop and for your own healing to go to the top of your to-do list. No more doing things out of obligation that drain your precious energy). Yes, this message is meant for YOU! ✨😍✨
So in conclusion, I want to tell you that I am thinking of you all and wishing you a Thanksgiving weekend filled with love and all of your favorite things! Think of this blog community as your soul Family who knows and appreciates you best and always will!
Sending heartfelt hugs, lavish love, and warm wishes of caring comfort,
Roxanne 😘💖✨
P.S. Oh I just decided to add this. 😁 Here’s my Thanksgiving Song–Original song entitled “I’m Grateful”. I just released this video of my debut “live” performance of this song yesterday. I hope you enjoy it. AND below that I’m also including a video of my son and I singing together on a Christmas song that I wrote–it’s silly (and was recorded 5 years ago) but it comes with my (our 😊) deepest love and blessings to cheer up anyone who needs a boost over the holidays. We both still love to watch it. I hope you do too! (The lyrics to both songs are visible in the description boxes of the videos if you watch them on the YouTube channel–just click the “YouTube” at the bottom of these videos that appears after you press play and it will take you there, then click “show more” under the video to see the lyrics…)
I’d love to hear from you! Please comment below❣️💫🦋💗😃
High Expectations? New Tools For Sensitive Souls’ Healing Journeys.
Hello Everyone! I haven’t written for a while because I’ve been so busy just observing this emotional roller coaster ride of the last couple months—it’s been hard to put into words! It has propelled me into journaling more to get clarity and as always when I write I am able to access a higher perspective of “what the heck is going on now”! 😳🙏😆Haha! I’ve learned a few things and so I feel ready to share some of the positive things to give all of you sensitive souls on this spiritual journey a boost to feel better about EVERYTHING!
What a roller coaster ride! By this I mean Ups and Downs and Curves and Surprises and Shocks! Can you relate? But at the end of a roller coaster ride at an amusement park, the end of the ride comes with a slowing down and a smooth safe feeling until it comes to a stop and you get off and everyone is all smiles and Gee that was fun. Well, in general I mean haha, and only because you knew it was temporary—it was a ride you took by choice and it was a safe way to experience a thrill and know it would be over soon.
Compare that to this incarnation of life on this planet. As sensitive souls, we are highly evolved divine beings here to help, but we have expectations of smooth sailing and love and abundance. I really think it is these expectations that contribute to us getting stuck in the lows on the roller coaster that we experience.
All of this is coming up for me to talk about I believe because of this last full moon on October 13-yesterday! If you are like me you may have noticed that you are very sensitive to cosmic changes to the planet and Full Moons and New Moons etc.. I am not very educated in astrology but I find myself searching for YouTube videos to explain what’s going on cosmically at certain times when I’m feeling out of balance and sure enough it is a full moon or a solar flare or something like this causing our distress and it all resonates and gives a sense of relief.
I get some reassurance from the information I watch or read from elsewhere but often times I am searching and don’t find what I need to feel inner peace—then I am forced to write and then I realize as I connect to my higher self, my inner wisdom, my spirit team, my angels, the Universe, God, whatever you want to call “IT”.
I am then reminded that all my answers for my own inner peace can be found “within”. I know this but why do I keep forgetting it? Looking for outside validation has been ingrained in us as humans on this planet and we all feel this—trying to fit in and feel understood by other humans—wanting a tribe or even one other person who understands us and makes us feel reassured and comforted that we are OKAY and that what we are feeling is OKAY and that there is hope and that everything is going to be OKAY.
This neediness we feel is understandable—as highly sensitive, compassionate, evolved souls we are awakening spiritually but we are straddling 2 worlds. We are trying to make it in the 3D world and pay our bills etc. and also looking at the higher perspective of the 5D spiritual world for deeper meaning and understanding of why we are here, keeping our vibration high, and living in the moment to access the unconditional love that we have resonated with as Yes, This is it! All is well! We want that feeling everyday, all the time, every morning when we wake up.
But what I am understanding is, when we wake up in the morning with horrible dread and feeling bad about being here on the planet we need to observe this as information and not as our current truth. As divine beings, we have often been astral traveling in our sleep. We love to be in the higher angelic realms where we are from evidently—it’s all Love and Light there all the time! 😇 😁 So when we come back into our bodies and wake up as a human on the planet, the densest negative energies, often from our childhoods or possibly past lives come up to the surface so that we can see that these energies are there and are just ready to be “released”.
We are strong and powerful divine beings with love and light as our true nature but when we were born we didn’t know this so these wounded parts of ourselves are taking longer to heal then we “expected”. If you had a narcissistic parent then you were unloved and had unmet needs day in and day out for years and years and so you have many layers of of small hurts and false beliefs about yourself that need reparented and comforted one by one. That may be discouraging to hear that it is going to take longer to heal than you expected but here is the good news. If you observe the big bad emotion you wake up with as just “information” about your past rather than your present truth you can transmute it in minutes!
First, describe the feeling and label it! What is this? Is it shame, dread, hopelessness, anxiety? Then you do the opposite of avoiding it, or believing it, or numbing it out by keeping busy—you go towards it and you write about it in your journal and you have compassion for yourself about it.
Or if you are already versed in this healing process you go right to a positive affirmation to retrain the neurons in your brain to go a more positive route. You recognize this bad feeling is your inner critic and not the truth. It is your survival “false” self that absorbed the bad feelings from others around you not knowing they weren’t your feelings. After all you were just a tiny child and had to believe what you were being “fed” to survive and to get along with your caretakers who didn’t SEE you for the gifted soul you were.
Most of you know this but if you are like me right now you are still surprised that you are still dealing with these long healed issues—especially in the last few months. It is my understanding that the last remnants of these layers are possibly the most painful and most deeply ingrained and you are strong enough now to finally look at them, acknowledge that it was even worse than you thought. So give yourself even more kindness, compassion and comforting reparenting than you ever have before. Extreme extreme self care (double extreme 😃) is in order whenever you wake up feeling bad!! Be nicer to yourself instead of harder to yourself. After all isn’t that what your narcissistic parent or bully said to you when they ran out of patience with you—they said “what’s wrong with you—why aren’t you over this yet—you should be feeling better by now—you are not doing as well as you thought”. See? These things you say to yourself are judgements you are making just like bullies or abusers did which is the opposite of the unconditional love and comfort you deserved back then and deserve now.
Sometimes it isn’t until we get out of our heads and start writing onto paper that we are even realizing we are beating ourselves up just like “they” did (if you had caretakers who maybe even did the best they could but were needy themselves so they didn’t have the patience that you needed as a highly sensitive soul who was sensitive for a very good reason.)
So now it is up to you. To KNOW you are pure love and light and when you wake up feeling bad you are to lovingly cleaning away the false residue, the past debris, that is covering up your beautiful brilliant lamp of love and light. You now have some more tools in your toolbox to lift yourself back up to where you belong.
Joy is your birthright and you are doing a great job figuring out how to shine what is rightfully yours every moment that you can. Be nicer to yourself when you feel bad not harder on yourself. You are training your brain to go positive quicker and quicker when you get better and better at replacing the doubts negative core beliefs with positive affirmations. You can do it! You are pure love and light.
Being a human is extremely complex! Be patient with this healing journey that you are on! You may be a sensitive soul who seeks safety and inner peace but you are also a tough warrior with new boundaries to take on this challenge of transmuting darkness into light on planet earth. You chose to come here because you knew you could be successful at finding your true voice and true self and shining your true light.
Just being here on the planet you emanate this light and love energy and it uplifts others who need it. You are making a difference just by being here. So relax and be patient with yourself. It takes time and there is plenty of time for all the things you want to do. Self-compassion and self-care is always time well spent.
Sensitive souls, I am so glad you are here on the planet with me. You make the planet a wonderful place to be. If we join forces we can move mountains. Thanks for reading and please reach out if you’d like one-on-one coaching. My email is hopesinger11@gmail.com. Sometimes just having someone to see us and listen to our feelings with understanding can be so healing. I also offer distance Reiki and intuitive guidance during sessions as well—you design the sessions the way your heart desires.
I’m adding a link to my latest YouTube Video here of a recent performance of my original song, We Are Here To Love. The lyrics to this song just flowed out of me from beginning to end with no changes—it was magical. I feel now is the perfect time to share these lyrics with you.
Lyrics: -We Are Here To Love-
Trudging through the past debris, finding sparks of light
Holding onto highest hopes, knowing love is right
Seeing through the doubters’ eyes, knowing those above
Want us to believe and know, time is made for love
Chorus: We are here to love, We can fly with wings of time
When we feel the past, We must rise above and shine
We must rise above and shine, We must rise above and shine
Reminded who we are by pushing past the ego’s call
Kindness to ourselves is all we need to break the wall
Pieces still fall down on us, don’t misunderstand
Keep the rays of light around and hold each other’s hand
Chorus: We are here to love…
Verse not included in this video performance:
(Power from the latest move unearth’s a tender spot
Confusing inner child takes stage, plays out what we forgot
Kindness is in order now soothing wounds so raw
New aliveness, strength abounds, braving what we saw
Chorus:.. We Are Here to…)
Bridge: Learning to be still and yet, adversity remains
But even when we think we’ve stalled, we’ve unraveled many chains
Working hard it seems we have not played to really live
But underneath we somehow gain renewed hearts to give
Chorus: We are here to love…
Have faith and know that even in the hardest grief of times
You are loved and cheered about, so take in all the signs
Relish in the life you have, grateful for the rest
All will see the loveliness, you are a force for goodness
Chorus: We are here to love… You must rise above and shine… shine… shine You must rise above and shine. (slow end)
Original Song © Roxanne E. Smith
Until next time, With Love and Light,
Roxanne ✌️🙏💖✨
Update! Angel Channeling Success, Inner Child Healing, and a Vacation!
Hi Everyone! I’m happy to say my channeling from last week’s post that I put on YouTube is doing so well!–as of now I have over 2600 views, 260 likes and lots of positive, grateful comments on the Higher Self Channel. I had no idea it would do so well! Here’s the link to see it:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rpKhVU5Etos ( I apologize but this link is no longer working because I took the video down and moved all my future Channeled Angel Message videos to a new YouTube Channel here. To see all Channeled Angel Messages you can read them here on my blog by clicking here.)
With all the excitement, I then caught a bad cold on Friday. I hadn’t come down with a virus like this in years–I like to believe it happened because I’m clearing out the old from my body that no longer fits and I have shifted into a higher vibration–I hope! 😇. This is what my inner guidance is saying 😍✨ so I’m inclined to believe it. 😃 It’s called a “healing crisis”–google it if you want to learn more.
I also had to process some emotional pain that got triggered when I was feeling so sick, miserable and alone, and unable to think, or do any work–it triggered me back to my abandonment wound from early childhood and I started spiraling with hopelessness feelings and irrational thoughts like “I will never be well again”–a child believe’s this when they have no comfort and no-one to explain what is happening and that they are going to be okay.
This wisdom came to me when I allowed myself to examine what messages my inner critic was saying when I was feeling the worst. With this delving inward, I had an AHA moment!– for the first time when ill, I had clarity of exactly where that feeling came from and I was able to feel it and comfort myself through it–simultaneously I felt myself finally healing from the virus as I felt it lift after a short but intense crying spell about the original neglect and simultaneously comforting myself through it–this was an emotional healing breakthrough! I let the little child in me cry about the original painful event that had been repressed. I felt so good after that cry–I was …reconnected to my truth–to my true higher self.
That was yesterday. Today, when I woke up, I felt like Yay my brain is working again, I feel excited and stronger than ever, and I’m getting ready for a vacation in 4 days with my husband.
I’ll be back here writing again after I get back from the Bahamas (my first time there ever)! 😁 .
I hope by sharing these things I go through, it will help you the next time you get triggered to a stuck feeling. Write about it and decipher it back to it’s roots and let the inner child ( or past life YOU) cry about it to release this truth that has been repressed. Crying is part of the healing–Comforting yourself is the crucial 2nd part of the emotional healing process–you know you would comfort a crying child who is ill (or abused) and needs to be held and reassured–of course you would so give this to yourself!! You can be your own healer!!
If you resonate with this, then this is a good time to start an emotional healing journal today if you have not already. Think of it as writing out a private conversation with your best loving friend, your higher self, who loves you unconditionally!
It’s so healing!! More on this on another post! Have a wonderful couple of weeks, Everyone!! Sending all of you hugs, comfort, compassion, and deep understanding.
With Love, Light, and Gratefulness,
Roxanne 😇💖✨
Recovery from PTSD from Childhood Trauma–for Highly Sensitive Souls
Hello everyone. I hope you are able to enjoy the holidays and find some inner peace and joy in just “being wonderful, sensitive YOU!”. For highly sensitive souls, the holidays can be difficult, especially if you are triggered easily due to PTSD from childhood trauma. I relate, however, many big breakthroughs have been happening for myself. I have been wanting to write and connect with you all about all the self discovery and healing I am learning about and how it’s making profound shifts in my own life–I am always listening to my inner guidance and growing. It’s an amazing process once you get on a roll. One day while journaling, the following information just poured out of me from my inner guidance and I knew it was meant to share on this blog. Here it is:
“You can recover from PTSD from childhood trauma. It’s not easy. It’s step by step. Yes, it really is about putting one foot in front of the other-wading through the feelings and voicing your truth. When you have PTSD from trauma in childhood it is your root chakra that continually needs help in your life. This is about getting your legs underneath you, standing strong on your own 2 feet, and feeling safe. It’s about moving forward towards your dreams. It’s about feeling solid, centered, grounded, and safe for your soul to stay in your body. When you voice your deep fears and the truth about their origins to a safe person, it validates you to feel safe and be “in” your body—perhaps for the first time.”
I didn’t know I wasn’t in my body until 2011 and I had memories of terror come up when I was laid up with some health problems. I had to cry and re-experience the terror with a safe person holding my hand 
as I voiced the truth of what happened to me. Realizing it was from childhood and not in the present is part of the relief—you realize you are not dying or going to die from the emotional pain (which is what a child believes) but just releasing a repressed trauma. Afterwards, I had a new sensation and a knowing that I was stronger—I proclaimed, “OMG! I feel like I am in my body for the first time!” I never forgot this moment and I was amazed—you realize the profound shifts that emotional healing can evoke. It propels you to keep feeling more and more of your repressed pain and release it as it comes up.
After this you begin to understand you are building a foundation (healing your root chakra)
—a solid foundation is being laid down brick by brick. It takes time and patience and deep love for yourself. You are lovable and you have always been. You deserve to feel safe and whole and vital. You can overcome all of your fears and step into your whole true self. You are on your way!
More helpful guidance for highly sensitive souls on the way in 2019! Happy New Year to you all!! It’s gonna be a great year!!!
With love and light,
Roxanne 😇✨
Part 3 (Final) of Heart To Heart Update
Hello everyone! If you’ve been feeling extra tired, or extra emotional, or stuck, or triggered, I believe the full moon today
is causing energies that are helping us to clear out some deep unhealed layers of childhood pain. I personally have been very tired and journaling a lot to work through heavy, dark feelings of self-doubt and unworthiness — which hasn’t been easy. Some of my best songs and poems arise at times like these and I’ll be sharing them here hopefully soon to help anyone who resonates and would like to feel hopeful about their emotional state. The poem I wrote on Oct. 1 that I mentioned in my last post will be shared in my next post–I read it again today and it was helpful in moving out the stuck emotions I felt today so I plan to share that in the coming few days.
Now, on with Part 3!–Here’s the last part of my heart to heart series to update everyone on what I’ve been doing while I was on a break from writing regularly on this blog. This post is a long one–future posts will be much shorter for easier reading I promise!
Continuing with sharing the story of my journey to finally start performing, let me just say it took until fall of 2017 for me to feel ready to start looking for paid gigs–I had been practicing a 2 hour set of my songs (including playing guitar) for many months while we got settled in our new house (Oct. 2016) before I felt ready to reach out to venues as a professional musician. Then on one courageous day, I took the leap and did it–made phone calls and sent emails with a demo video I had made.
1st gig on Sept. 23, 2017
I found 2 local venues (a branch of Breweries, and a winery) that were encouraging local artists and paid, albeit meagerly, for 2 hours of a mix of original folk rock and cover songs by my favorite artists: James Taylor, Carole King, The Eagles, Linda Ronstadt, Bonnie Raitt, Neil Young, and more! My album and the demo I made with performance videos from my open mic nights helped convince them to give me a chance and soon I was performing once a month then twice a month and then eventually 4 times a month. By the end of the summer of 2018 I was doing 3 hour gigs as well with several hired guitarists that I had duos with. Phew!
I stopped in September to take a break and get organized with my coaching and this blog and also to celebrate!– because I feel over a hump and ready to branch out and collaborate with some new musicians and look for higher paying venues. Breaking through a glass ceiling that I never thought I could achieve brings up surprising amounts of grief and emotional pain and is not all just happiness, ease, and fun. 
Yes, when you have childhood wounds that kept you in a state of hiding most of your life, you must keep up with the positive affirmations and self-care of course but also make time for grieving the loss of all the years you didn’t believe in yourself and your gifts. It’s important to leave time for emotional healing and not spread yourself too thin. It took some time for me to find a balance that worked for me.
Okay, so now on a new topic, not only have I been performing and working on my music career, but I have also developed some new life coaching skills and emotional healing tools. From 2014 to now and continuing, I have been working with various intuitive coaches, energy healers, and spiritual counselors. Through my seeking and thirst for knowledge about the spiritual realms, I have developed my own intuitive abilities to the point where I am proud to say that I am now a channel for spiritual guidance as an Akashic Record Reader and you can read more about this on my new life coaching website. Yay! It’s very exciting! I realize now that I have always had this ability on some level but now I am able to ask for and receive spiritual inner guidance with greater clarity and greater confidence, knowing, and with greater tools to help others.
And this is because: I have had to continually be doing intense emotional healing of my own. Layers of pain coming up to the surface with each new success–the pain and doubt doesn’t just magically go away one day when you have many childhood wounds–having given up on myself at the age of 5 and banished my true self and my dreams away to develop a false self that was hiding and codependent, a people pleaser, and a rescuer–I’ve had to continue to work on healing all of these issues! I’ve continually been working through the PTSD that results from having the abandonment wounds (from being hospitalized as a toddler) and also working through shame and feeling unsafe to be my true self as a child and throughout my early adulthood. I had learned how to survive by hiding away my true desires and gifts and dreams so completely that I gave up on my music for 20 years while raising my children. Perhaps you can relate! 
And so now here I am an empty nester, feeling like I’m in my 30’s (due to a healthy diet and new tools), pursuing a singing career, to share my songs that flow out of me– sometimes from my wounded heart but mostly from the bright light of hope inside of me that knows my purpose on the planet is to write and sing music and also give hope to others who cannot find their way up and out of the painful layers that often feel too heavy to break through.
As I write this I realize I’ve learned and sharpened so many tools since 2012:
I learned ways to replenish and to re-energize my adrenals; continued my healthy diet; exercise regularly for strength and endurance; made myself more disciplined to practice my music as a priority; tap into spirit often to sharpen those innate intuitive skills and gifts; continue to write poetry and songs as I work through the emotional challenges; I have opened myself up to spiritual knowledge about ascension symptoms, upgrades to the planet, and even the effect of past lives on our current incarnations; practice extreme self-care as I continue to grow from life’s challenges and surprises, and remind myself that the rule #1 from this blog still applies and was really ground-breaking at that time.
And that is that Self-Compassion is rule #1!
I’m grateful to this blog for this all important bit of wisdom to come forth–because it was writing here to you all that caused this bit of wisdom to be born!
And so I say thank you to all of you that are part of this highly sensitive, compassionate, and spiritually awakened community of Hope and Healing from Childhood Wounds. I hope it continues to be a haven of safety for your wounded inner child to come and get strong–as a cocoon for you to grow your wings at your own pace and try out your new wings when you are feeling strong enough to go for your dreams. As always my message is: You Can Do It!! …And have compassion and kindness for yourself as the pain comes up to heal with each success! Because you are strong enough to feel it, comfort yourself through it, acknowledge that you absorbed negativity you didn’t deserve, release it, rest, and rise again!
Rest here in this haven anytime you wish, and reach out to this community or just read the comments from the hundreds who have reached out with their stories of childhood wounds and emotional healing in the comment sections. I would love to hear from you! Please leave a comment to let me know you are helped by what I am sharing or if you are new to this community so that I can welcome you.
Wishing all of you comfort, inner peace, and so much love as you continue to heal,
Roxanne 😇✌️🎶💖✨
Roxanne Smith – Folk Rock Songs For the Soul
The Hope and Healing of HSPs With Narcissistic Parents: The Story of Belinda
Hello everyone! Today’s post is a compilation of all the comments between Belinda and myself. Belinda is the name used by a commenter and follower of my blog who reached out for assistance when her attempts to create healthy boundaries for herself were followed by aggressive and fear-inducing actions by her parents in order to control her. Her comments were spread throughout different posts so, with her permission, I decided to put them all on one page so all of you can benefit from her open and honest sharing as she persevered with much inner strength through the backlash of going no contact with her narcissistic parents. (There are comment replies to Belinda from 2 other blog friends which I did not include here–you can click on the post at the side if you wish to find and read all the related comments from others too.) I hope you find inspiration and hope in all that transpired in the following interactions:
 Belinda |
Submitted on 2011/05/06 at 2:14 am
Mother’s Day weekend is fast approaching and today I have made the final step in walking away from my narcissistic mother. I have asked my father for no contact from both of them. It is so ironic that it happened today. I was in the midst of contemplating how to handle mothers day. I did not want to send her a card, but knew the guilt I would face if I did not. I feel relief which only goes to show me that the decision is right even though it was so hard. Your story is helping me tonight. I know I have a long way to go but it has to get better from here. Thank you again and God Bless!! |
| Roxanne |
Submitted on 2011/05/10 at 12:55 pm | In reply to Belinda.
Belinda, Thank you for your comment. So glad you are able to feel the relief in your decision to put yourself and your healing first. Yes, it is not easy, especially around mother’s day–I am so glad my story is helping you to find your voice and your truth. Your feelings matter! God Bless you as well. With love and light, Roxanne |
| Belinda |
Submitted on 2011/05/23 at 10:36 am
Hello everybody, I am entering my second month of no contact with my family. I am currently feeling better as far as less stress and anxiety. I am slowing down and trying to be patient with myself. However, as far as anything else I am still in a state of shock. I know I have been verbally abused by my parents but I find myself constantly researching narcissism. It seems I am needing to constantly remind myself that I’ve been abused and I am trying to validate it to myself. It’s like I am doing a research project for someone else until I look in the mirror and realize I am researching about ME!! My whole life I felt like I was watching what was going on in the world but not really being a part of it. I have forgotten who I am, or better yet I never had the opportunity to get to know myself. I am trying to learn about myself and at the same time trying to heal my broken spirit and at the same time trying understand and at the same time trying to not call my family. Phew!! That’s how I feel. I break down in tears often from these overwhelming feelings I never really explained to my parents that I no longer want to contact them ever again. It sort of fell in my lap. The last conversation I had with my dad, he suggested that they not call me and I said that would be best. So, I am assuming they are waiting for me to call. That leaves the ball in my court and the pressure of that is almost too much to take. I want to email them and tell them the no contact rules because I actually fear them trying to call me or see me. I am not strong enough right now to fight for my right for space but I know I desperately need it. I try to spend my time keeping my mind busy. That is what is making this the most difficult. My own mind. It is constantly thinking about everything. I have to work at staying focused on the here and now. Having my husband and little girl around always seems to help but it seems like a temporary fix. When alone, my mind takes over. I have been going to therapy for 2 months but there is little change in my spirit. there is much change in my surroundings, though so I guess it is a good start. I must have a long way to go. I sum it up this way…the knowledge of knowing is not enough to heal the spirit!!! I have the knowledge but where do I go from here? I find myself trying to find someone else to fill the void that I have. The desire of approval from others and trying so hard to please seems to get in the way of making friends. People see that I am trying too hard. I expect too much out of other people such as a neighbor that has become my friend. The problem with that is she does not understand where I am coming from so in trying to discuss my current situation I end up receiving advice I know is not right for me. She does not know my family so I know that she had the best intentions but the words wound me. I know it’s not the right way to be. I need to learn to rely on myself and validate my own feelings. That was the biggest abues to me. My feelings were never validated. EVER!!! I am constantly searching for approval. I started a journal a few days ago, hopefully, it will help in my healing. I am learning slowly through trial and error. Thank you so much for this website. It gives me a voice. Belinda |
| Roxanne |
Submitted on 2011/05/26 at 9:05 pm | In reply to Belinda.
Hi Belinda, Thank you for your comment. You so eloquently expressed what many highly sensitive people are going through when they first go no contact. Wow. So well said! You will help many others who feel the same but are not ready to leave comments. The pressure you feel to call them is guilt that they induced in you and that you internalized since you were a little child. It may help you to get in touch with some of your anger at having been so controlled and manipulated as a child. Journal out your feelings, all of them, including how angry you must have felt as a child but you were not allowed to feel it or express it then. But now you are safe and you can let it out. Releasing your truth will heal your spirit. When you connect with your true self and have compassion for the child inside of you that suffered, you will feel less needy for other peoples approval. It takes time to heal all the layers so be patient with yourself. You are stronger than you know. Thank you for the kinds words about my website. If you would like me to give you ISO’s email address just drop me an email and I will email her to get her permission as well. with Love and Light, Roxanne |
| Belinda |
Submitted on 2011/05/27 at 3:36 am
Iso and Roxanne, Thank you both for keeping in touch. I feel relief of anguish with every word you say. Roxanne, I think it would be great to get in touch with ISO. I feel like we have such similar sithations that exchanging email addresses would be a good idea. I will continue writing about my journey here b/c Something good must come out of my struggles. I’ll be honest, good things for me have already begun to happen, but I want someone else to learn from this. Something positive has to come out of this experience!!! Just like the last Oprah show, I related so much to what she was saying. Everyone in this world just wanted to be validated that whatever pain or hard time they were going through someone out there understands and relates. That’s what made her show so amazing. My favorite part was when she stated we are all responsible for the energy we give out. This statement hit home for me for 2 reasons, My parents are accountable for actions and behavior, but there is a time when I must be accountable for myself. Now that I know, I have no excuse. I must be responsible for what I portray to everyone around me. I must try to be the person I have always wanted to be. I can no longer be the person I feared I may have become. Most of all, everything my parents did to me is already done to them. I have to believe this in order to try and move on. I don’t want to be the one to spend the rest of my life blaming my parents but I have no guilt in giving blame right now. For the 1st time in 41 years they deserve it. Now that I know the truth, I am working on being accountable for what I give in this world. I want to be a person of caring and empathy. I want to not be judgemental and to love unconditionally. But most important, I want to trust my own feeling. I am hoping to get there some day. Iso, your comments about good and bad memories coming back is exactly right!! I have said the exact thing about never talking to and treating my daughter the way she did to me. I may not have mentioned but I have a younger brother of course we are not talking, can I say triangulation. I am beginning to recall a few memories about me but the flow of bad memories about my brother are coming at me like a tidal wave. He was a different child than I was. I was extremely scared, but my brother was a fighter so he received the grunt of the abuse. I used to think, man my little brother is not too bright, why is he fighting he knows that he is going to lose the battle, but now I realized he was fighting for his voice. He was so strong for a little guy. He fought them alone. I feel guilt over not being there for him as his big sister, but I can’t really deal with that now. I plan on addressing this at a later time when I am stronger. For those of you contemplating no contact, remember it can be on you terms. If you want it for a little while or forever it is your right. Let me assure you it may be the hardest decision you make but speaking from experience it will reward you ten fold. Stepping away for a little while just to figure youself out is highly recommended. I have walked away from my parents more than once in my life but only now am I contemplating forever. Only now with the knowledge I have possessed do I really believe this is the safest and healthiest situation for my family. Stay strong, but be gentle to yourself. |
| Roxanne |
Submitted on 2011/06/05 at 4:50 pm | In reply to Belinda.
Belinda, Thank you for your comment reply. I am so glad that my words help you feel some relief. You have much wisdom and light to give others and you are on your way to trusting your own feelings–if you have compassion for yourself every time those feelings come up to heal you will become stronger with each layer you voice and release. I like very much that you said this: “Stay strong, but be gentle to yourself”–wise words for HSP survivors to live by! I am glad and very much appreciate that you will continue with your insightful comments here on my blog site. (If you would like me to email your email address to ISO, please email a clear and direct statement giving me your permission to do so at hopesinger11@gmailcom.) Warmest wishes on your healing journey, Roxanne |
| Belinda |
Submitted on 2011/06/23 at 3:03 am
I sent an email to my parents a few days ago outlining my request for complete NO CONTACT from them. I found it necessary for them to know b/c I found some clothes hanging on the front door of my home. The clothes were for my daughter and there was a card inside from my mom. I am assuming they came to my house and dropped them off and left. I was shocked that they would do that if they really did? We have not been talking or seeing one another so I decided to let them know not to come to my home or contact me and my family. This action disturbed me. Well, I received an email from my dad tonight. I feel threatened and scared. I understand the email to say that they are insisting on family therapy meaning all of us or they will proceed with a lawsuit of defamation of character. There was much more said but I will have to put my online therapy on hold which pains me. I want to be able to express my feelings openly and honestly, but I do not know what to make of what I’ve been told by them. I was hoping to work through some serious things, but it is going to be in my best interest to stop writing on here until I find out more about this. I am numb right now and whatever progress I have done up to this point is now ruined. What now??? |
| Roxanne |
Submitted on 2011/06/23 at 7:51 pm | In reply to Belinda.
Hi Belinda, I am so sorry that your parents backlash to your no contact request was so awful and punishing and ridiculous. I am not a legal expert by any means but it seems to me this is a scare tactic to pull you back under their control and they are using fear to get you to obey them. You are a grown woman with your own family now–you have a right to ask for no contact and could even get a restraining order against them if you wanted to I think. They probably have no grounds for defamation of character. If you went to family therapy with them a good family therapist will be able to see the dynamics occurring in the family and would support your expressing your feelings about how you are treated and always have been treated. A good family therapist will even encourage and support your desire for no contact. It is surprising that they even want to do family therapy–most narcissists refuse to go–that is why I think this is just a scare tactic to get you to reconsider. You have not used their names so writing on this website is probably very safe–you need all the support you can get right now. Belinda, you are doing the right thing asking for no contact. All you have done up to now is not ruined by any means–they just want your new found strength and independence to come to a screeching halt and they are using fear because it probably always worked in the past. But you are stronger now! Stay strong–you are doing everything right. It is shocking and sad that they would retaliate and treat you this way. You deserve better treatment from parents. You might even just laugh and say “Sure, I’ll go to family therapy” –I bet they don’t really even want to go– unless they have already found a therapist that is biased and on their side, the lack of loving support for your feelings will be clear to the therapist. Be very kind to yourself, stay calm and you can weather this storm. Keep in touch and let us know how it is going. I am here for you and so are my readers. Prayers and Blessings are being sent your way, Roxanne |
| Belinda |
Submitted on 2011/06/24 at 12:33 am
Roxanne and Lily, Thank you so much for your support. I am realizing that dealing with this type of situation is a rollercoaster ride. Right when you think you’ve got it under control, their crazymaking sends you spiraling out of control. I made an emergency call to my therapist, printed the email and brought my husband for support and his input. It was the best thing I could have done. She analyzed the letter and Roxanne, you hit the nail right on the head. Major scare tactic which is how they always controlled me. It was worth all the anguish to finally get my husband onboard as well. He was shocked by the threat and terribly disappointed in my family. Having my therapist explain things to him, helped him in realizing the truth about the long term abuse I have been receiving adding my intense reaction of fear and anguish he saw first hand the scare tactic in play. My therapist suggested I just continue ignoring all emails but print them up for the future…just in case I need to do something a little more serious. As far as his threat to sue me for defamation of character. he has nothing…abolutely nothing. I had scheduled an appointment with a lawyer right after her just in case I needed to give him a retainer fee. I was prepared to fight but ignoring is the best defense, so I cancelled the attorney. I know I will not be afraid in the future if I need to go that route. I came out stronger today. I bet they would be hot if they knew that what they caused actually showed me how strong I could be if I had to be!! I overcame intense fear today. I was physically and mentally exhausted by the end of the day but I learned a little about myself. Roxanne, Thank you for your quick response. As soon as I read your response, I was inspired to leave work and handle this situation immediately. I was not going to let it interfere with another night. Your support means more to me than you know. I feel empowered again, but I remain cautious. This situation showed me how fragile I still am. I am a long way away from recovery, but at least I have created a support system. I can pat myself on the back for that. I reached out for it and look I have people that care for me. Always, |
| Roxanne |
Submitted on 2011/06/24 at 6:47 pm | In reply to Belinda.
Hi Belinda, Yay! I am so happy for you that you feel empowered to stand up to your parents scare tactics. You took action on your own behalf and now you have the support of your therapist and your husband in addition to my support and your new friends on this website. I understand your fear and anguish reaction because I can relate– you have a wound from early childhood that reacts this way because they controlled you by inducing fear in you since you were a tiny child. But you faced it head on and you can see the truth of who you really are clearly–you are strong and you won’t be bullied any more! Yay for you! I agree with your therapist about ignoring the emails but keeping copies of them. In my opinion you will save yourself some anguish and pain if you just have your husband read them in the future and don’t look at them yourself. It is exhausting to be pulled into their distorted world again and again and you need this time to nurture your self and heal. But since you have your therapist, she can help support you through them if you feel you must read the emails. You have a strong compassionate true voice, Belinda. You are sensitive for a reason and you are helping others be strong by sharing this event in your life with us. This post/forum normally averages 4-8 views per day but the last day and a half it has gotten 26 and counting–I feel the readers are more than just curious, they are concerned, sending their love and support, and are feeling supported themselves because they can relate! You are helping many others by your strength and shining your light of truth–sharing your fear was brave and I am so glad that you did! Yes, pat yourself on the back! Well done! I am so proud of you! Continued prayers and blessings, Roxanne |
| Belinda |
Submitted on 2011/07/13 at 12:06 am
Dear Roxanne, Thank you so much for speaking from your heart. I relate to what you are saying so much. It feels good to know that someone else feels the way I do. I know you have been keeping up with me and my personal struggles and I just want to thank you so much for being there for me. If i could I would hug you, really tight. I am having good days and bad days but you know what through all of this I am learning myself and listening to my body and trying to finally take care of myself. not only do I have a heart but others do as well. I have made a pen pal that provides wonderful support for she also had a narcisstic parent. We seem to be journaling together and helping each other along the way. I recently mentioned something to her that is starting to happen to me. the dark cloud surrounding me is starting to clear a little and I am beginning to see small mircles and joys in life. From my family to co workers to complete strangers. I am connecting to the world. It is very small but I am recognizing this and I am so thrilled. The family update… After I emailed my parents and asked for no contact my father responded by threatening to sue me, I am sure you remember. I ignored the email. I received 2 other emails after that. In the second email I was basically called a coward for not responding and then he threw the guilt trip on me about how could I do this they are my parents.. Then the same day I was told by a neighbor that my father was driving by my house. I was also aware that he was calling my husband behind my back. He was trying to sneak attack my husband. Luckily my husband refused to answer the phone. In my own way I believe I was being stalked. I’ve heard it is quite common. I was very scared but I sat down that night and let him know that I was aware of all he was doing behind my back and I do not want any contact from him. The last email I received, he stated that he thought I was crazy and needed therapy (he has no idea I’ve been going for months) and actually told me that I could potentially hurt my daughter (what a horrible thing to say to your only daughter). He ended the email telling me that he and mom did not want anything to do with me. Wow, really??? isn’t that what I’ve been asking for all along. It’s as if no one is going to tell him the rules he is going to tell me the rules. Does it really matter to me who ends it , no as long as it ends. I felt is was necessary to explain the behavior because to me it validates everything I believe my parents are. Crazy making control freaks!!! It is as if he was having an adult temper tantrum because things did not go the way he wanted them to go and I didn’t do what I’ve done in the past. I am no longer their little liar!! I will not lie about who they are to me and how I feel they have treated me. My feelings are the truth. they no longer tell me what my truth is. I feel like a prisoner who has just been set free. Thank you God!! I am still working through a lot of pain, but I know that I am better already and I am beginning to feel I mean really feel. Care for others and allowing them to care for me. Most of all I am paying close attention to myself and trying to take good care of me. I am happier and apparently it’s contagious because I truly feel like my family is happier. Thank you, again Roxanne!! Continue your work in healing, I know it’s helping me and YES I would love to buy your book!! All things are possible, my new father told me that!! The father that promised to always love me and promised to never hurt me!!My lord and saviour!! Be Blessed!! Belinda |
| Roxanne |
Submitted on 2011/07/15 at 2:47 pm | In reply to Belinda.
Hi Belinda, Thank you so much for the wonderful comment. Big tight hug right back to you! {{HUG}} |
!! Thank you for describing the ups and downs of going no contact with N parents in such eloquent detail. Sounds like since you are finally living your truth, even though it is painful to upset your parents, you are now feeling the light of LOVE inside of you that was always there but was hidden in fear. Since your light is shining you are attracting the light of love in others and you recognize the comfort from this. Thank you for describing this–you are healing before our eyes! I am so glad that you are thrilled–I am thrilled for you! Yay!! Yes, it is hard! Yes it is painful! But look how strong you are and realizing you were strong all along! As you continue on this path of trusting your new-found feelings and self-expression, your hopes and dreams you never dared to express will start manifesting before your eyes. I like how you talk of “Caring for others and allowing them to care for me”–this is the essence of your highly sensitive soul. The love you give out comes back to you. Knowing this process will change your life. So happy for you Belinda. There may be challenges ahead but you know God loves you unconditionally and doesn’t want you to suffer. Yes! You get it! Congratulations! I am so happy to be a part of your new found awakening and FREEDOM! Thank you so much for sharing your feelings and experiences about the emails from your N father–this will help others get an idea of what might happen if they go no contact. Most people need a lot of support to get through it–It’s hard and painful but so worth it! And thank you for telling me that you would love to buy my book. It thrills me to help others through this website, my writing, and through my one on one coaching because…I’ve been there and I’m grateful to those who helped ME. I know sharing our pain works. Thank you again Belinda for sharing yours. With love and light, Roxanne| Belinda |
Submitted on 2011/07/20 at 5:49 am
Roxanne, Well, I am really needing your support tonight. My anxiety and stress is at an all time high right now. My father showed up at my home unexpectedly tonight at around 9:30 pm. We did not answer the door, but my husband turned on the front porch light so he knew we were home. I was finally forced to get the authorities involved. I called the police but my dad had left before they arrived. I can’t believe this is happening to me. I had a feeling that I was going to have to call the authorities at some point in time because of the nature of the emails I had received from him and the threats and insults he was making towards me. Fortunately, I printed up every email I sent to him asking for no contact and he also sent to me discussing the threats and insults . It was proof to the authorities that he should not have showed up at my home. The officer contacted him tonight at my home and spoke with him directly. It was necessary that the officer explain the reprecussions if he were to try to contact me and my family or if he were to come onto my property again. 1. It would be considered trespassing I am scared to think what might have happened if the door was opened. My 4 year old daughter was in the house at the time and I am grateful that we did not answer the door. What was he thinking, we would sit down and have a chat. It would have turned out ugly and in front of my child. I remain in constant fear. I only hope that the information he received from the officer will deter him from futher contact, but really who is to know. I am fearful that he will still try to reach me, and rightfully so. Apparently, I am going to have to live with this fear. I don’t possibly know how to let something like this go. I have been seeking therapy for a long time to try to heal from this, but with every attempt they make to reach me, it’s like starting all over again. Has this ever happened to anyone else, is anyone familiar with a situation like this. Is this something n parents have been known to do? I am truly at a loss of words. I still feel like I can’t keep this a secret. I know someone else out there has either gone through the same thing or is going through the same thing. I am very proud that I handled things this way. The officer said I did the right thing and I know he was right, but it is probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. I called the police on my dad. I could just cry. I am not sure I will ever be able to get past this. I just pray and hope that this will stop. I will not be bullied, I will not be scared, I will not be abused. Pray for me, |
| Roxanne |
Submitted on 2011/07/20 at 6:27 pm | In reply to Belinda.
Wow Belinda, I think you handled this situation superbly. I am so sorry that this happened to you. I understand how scary this must have been…and still is! When I was 25 we moved near my parents only to realize we’d made a mistake. I sought out a local counselor to deal with the stress. She encouraged me to move away–it took us a year and a half but we did it! …Moving was the best thing I could have ever done so that I could heal and get strong. (see post from Feb. 12, 2010) Is this a possibility for you? Could you move away? I think you should definitely consider it–the safety of you and your family is at risk not to mention just the emotional and physical stress of having constant fear, especially as a highly sensitive person, you need to feel safe! When you say it’s like starting all over again, that’s because the childhood wounds keep being opened by your Dad’s aggression, you need a safe environment to heal and it will take a long time for you to grieve the loss of a childhood lived in fear–but you can heal and regain the vitality that is your birthright. Hopefully, things will die down now, now that you got the police involved, he probably didn’t realize how strong you were and now he knows. Wonderful that the officer said you did the right thing. I am sure many others feel empowered to stand up to their abusive parents by reading your experience of having to call the police on your dad. I pray also that this will be the end of it for you. You did the right thing and you are very brave! Be proud of yourself. A wonderful counselor once told me, (after a stressful interaction with a bully in my life): “do kind and loving things for yourself all day until you feel better–you deserve kindness”. I have never forgotten her words and I say them to you and hope they help you to cope today and everyday. With love, prayers, and warmest blessings, Roxanne |
| Belinda |
Submitted on 2011/08/11 at 3:12 am
Dear Roxanne, I always receive your messages at the exact moment I need it the most. What a wonderful reminder to enjoy these hot summer days. You are a reminder to me that yes I am a hsp who is still recovering from an abusive past. It is a good reminder for me because it teaches me to take care of myself. You are a gentle reminder to me that it is ok to celebrate me and it is ok to take care of me and most of all I should not feel guilty about it. I am in the process of building that family unit that cares for me so until then I have been relying on you to be that support. You have earned that trust through your kinds words and unconditional love and support from the start. From the last time we spoke, I had a lot to tell you and again today is the same. I want everyone to know what is going on for many reasons. I want to help someone else as much as you, Roxanne, have helped me and continue to help me. I want to speak up about the abuse I received as a child and I continue to receive as an adult. Most of all I am realizing that every time I write my story it’s as if what happened gets left here and I can move past it better. As soon as I write down my pain, the pain is diminished. So here it is…After the last fiasco, I had forced myself to enjoy the summer with my family, go to the pool with friends and my husbands family and try to enjoy. Through my socializing I came across a job that became available. I interviewed for it and just recently was offered the position. I am so excited about this new opportunity because it is allowing me and my family the chance to move. I have wanted to do this desperately to try and lose complete contact from parents but felt like it was impossible, but God put me in the right place at the right time. So the family will be moving soon and I am so happy for us right now. It could not have come at a better time because last week I received a letter in the mail from our county courthouse. My dad is suing my husband and me over some money we borrowed several months ago before I went nc. I knew he was going to try and sue us but I expected him to try the defamation of character lawsuit he had threatened to me in the past but I suppose he realized he had nothing on me. I’ll be honest the money is owed to him and believe me I want to get him paid quickly. I suppose from my standpoint I feel like he is just relentless in his pursuit. When will he just leave me alone and let me be. To me this is a pattern of his attempt to over power and intimidate. to my husband (who happens to be a father to a 24 year old daughter and 4 year old daughter) he sees it as just pushing a daughter further away. My husband personally would never think of doing such a thing to his own children, but once again my parents have managed to show their true selves through this. In the past, I would have had a total meltdown and panic attack, but now I lose little sleep over their temper tantrums. The money will be there but for fun we will not send it until the last minute. Of course, It will be sent through an attorney letting them know that after this payment there will be not reason for further attempt for communication. Am I scared, yes but scared less. most important, I refuse to give them an opportunity to see me in court. Just what they want a dramatic ending to their sad story. I am sure they are hoping to add more lies to their adoring fans ( the family). The idea that they are getting sympathy from everyone when they know what they had been doing to me only intensfies my frustration. To them impression trumps truth, so I am not only no contact with them I have remained no contact from everyone. What do I call this… casualties of war. Due to the nature of our family structure it has always been if you are not for us you are against us and that means all of us. well goodbye all of you and your toxic lives… It’s time for me to stand my ground and…I won’t back down. hehe!! I loved your statement about us being late bloomers, it is absolutely true as a matter of fact I am still blooming. I am finding that being a late bloomer has it’s advantages when raising a toddler. I am enjoying her more now than ever!! Roxanne, thank you again for giving me a voice and enjoy blowing out all those candles. I will be smiling for you on September 9th and wishing you a wonderful and blessed birthday. |
| Roxanne |
Submitted on 2011/08/16 at 2:27 pm | In reply to Belinda.
Hi Belinda. Thank you so much for your comment. I am so happy for you and how well you are doing. You are moving on and finding your voice and finding the joy in life! Yes it is okay to celebrate–you have learned to overcome the guilt that creeps in by knowing that you need to be kind to yourself as you always deserved kindness and love but never received it. I love how you say “as soon as I write down my pain, my pain is diminished”. Yes! Once you can do this, you can heal from any pain that comes up in the healing process of recovery. (Some people are helped by a witness to this process of self-expression to aid in their recovery–a life coach or counselor can be a great help here What a blessing that you got a new job and are now able to move. That is the law of attraction working before our eyes. You believed that you deserved a better life and so it happened for you. Yay! I like how you talked about the toxic lives of your family structure and how you are enduring the “casualties of war”. I relate to all you are saying. Your comment will help many hsps out there who are struggling. You are a good writer with an uplifting, inspiring style! Thank you for your wonderful feedback about my post. So glad you identified with my “stand your ground” message and about being a late bloomer. Yay! This is my hope–to help hsps to overcome their internalized negative messages and feelings from childhood and see the truth of their rare and special giftedness. You get it! Thank you for the birthday wishes, I appreciate it so much! Blessings to you, Roxanne |
| Belinda |
Submitted on 2011/09/30 at 10:28 pm
Dear Roxanne, It’s been several weeks and I’ve had a yearning to communicate with you but I am having a hard time trying to determine or explain how I am feeling these days. In walking away from my family, I have made every change possible within my control..emailing no contact, moving away, changing jobs, changing numbers, etc. I have also been making it a priority to exercise, I keep thinking that if I take better care of myself I will feel better. After all this, all I know is that I ache. It is a feeling that is not going away. I know that I am much better off now that my family is gone. The panic and anxiety and pressure to please is gone but it seems to have been replaced with an ache that I can’t seem to describe. Like I am at the verge of crying but it won’t come out. I don’t know what to do with this feeling and I am at a loss of how to fix it. My hometown is in Georgia. I am compelled to tell you this because here in Georgia nothing is more important than family. Everyone I know has and loves their family. Every country song sings about family and friends. My parents moved from New York and eventually made their way to Georgia when I was a baby. So along with their narcissism also came a sense of being a foreigner. They are Puerto Rican and all my life they never really embraced Georgia and the southern culture. Growing up, I learned to love country music. I love the way southerners are, they know no strangers, but I felt my mom frowned heavily upon it So while growing up I always thought they kept people out because our cultures were so different but actually they kept out everyone that would see how they really are. I never belonged, never felt able to belong and now that I am away from them I feel more alone then ever. I really have no idea who I am, who I want to be and more importantly how to live in a town that would never understand walking away from family. It’s like an ugly secret that I can never really feel comfortable revealing. This is but a small aspect of what’s bothering me about my life. How do I fix this or do I just live with this feeling? I am just so sad. |
| Roxanne |
Submitted on 2011/10/05 at 11:29 am | In reply to Belinda.
Hi Belinda, I understand this ache that you feel, it is many feelings rolled into one. Your job is to figure out exactly what you are feeling during those times and you can do this by writing out exactly how you are feeling (even that you are confused about your feelings) in a journal–keep writing until you feel better-you will be amazed at the truths that come out of you–you may realize that you are being too hard on yourself and that you deserve compassion. Writing connects us to the right side of our brains which is more creative and in touch with the compassion in our hearts whereas just thinking things through can often keep us feeling confused. You are such an eloquent and creative writer, Belinda, I feel you would be very good at this journaling process. Please read my posts from Jan. 21, 2010, and March 7, 2010–I think they will be helpful to you. This ache and sadness you describe is grief–it is important that you let out the grief of the loss of an emotionally healthy childhood and upbringing. Grief is a healthy positive emotion and it requires you to feel all of your sadness and let it out. Difficult as it may seem, it is a very important part of the healing process. You are healing. Sending you comforting wishes as you continue to heal, Roxanne |
| Belinda |
Submitted on 2012/05/27 at 6:53 pm
Hi Roxanne, I am not sure if you recall me…you have a lot of wonderful followers but I just had to write to you. You have been on my mind for a long time. You helped, supported and loved me through the most difficult part of my life. Walking away from my narcisstic parents was the hardest thing I ever endured. I went no contact around this time last year and I know I could not have done it without your kind words and encouragement. I am so far removed from the girl I was last year…I can’t actually believe I lived through all of it. I know before you I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown or really to be honest I had one and you helped me through it. From threatiing emails, to having to call the police on my own father I look back and can’t believe the inner strength I had to have to pull away from their scary, intimidating and threating ways. But today after one year away I must say I am happier then I have ever been. Yes, I have a long way to go…I am working on a lot of personal growth. I am still healing, don’t get me wrong but I am really coming out of the fog!! Roxanne, thank you so much for this website and know because of you I am paying it forward. I have signed up to dailystrength.org and I blog, journal and positively support anyone in my group that needs it. I want to be there for someone who had to endure the same abuse I endured. I want to be there for someone like you were there for me. I have a testimony now and I share it with anyone that needs support and you are part of my testimony. May your website continue helping others find their true sensitive, wonderful and beautiful self!! Be Blessed!! |
| Roxanne |
Submitted on 2012/06/05 at 3:29 pm | In reply to Belinda.
Hi Belinda! Thank you so much for your wonderful comment and for letting me know how you are doing!!! |
| Belinda |
Submitted on 2012/06/13 at 6:07 pm | In reply to Roxanne.
Roxanne, Wow, I don’t really know what to say. I am truly overwhelmed with emotions…Sure, feel free to use my blogging any way you find it will help your website. I only hope that it helps someone else. After all this I am 100% a supporter for no contact. I support it, I encourage it, and most of all I try to let everyone know the true benefits of it. Reflecting back, my situation in the beginning felt like a lose lose situation but after time and therapy it turned into a win win. It doesn’t happen overnight, it does take time but I have to let people know what can lie ahead if they just hold on!!. I really want to be the support during the lash out phase, when a person is on the brink of cutting off contact. It is the most intense, scary, out of control place to be when you first walk away from a Narc!! I don’t wish this on anyone, but if they can just hold on, I promise that happiness is just over the mountain. It is the abolute crossroads between choosing to live a deep, fulfilling soulful life or handing your soul over to the devil and dying slowly everyday!! Roxanne, be blessed in your journey and please keep writing!! |
Thank you, Belinda, for allowing me to share your story! Feel free to comment here on this post any time you wish as well as keep us updated on how you are doing! 😀
And to everyone else: Now that I have a busier schedule and am working on other projects, I am no longer able to answer each comment with emotional support and guidance as I did here, but it would be great if this new post became a forum of support for all of you HSPs who are struggling to find the courage to go no contact with your narcissistic parents! Express your voice here and leave a comment–I am sure many out there who are suffering in silence will be helped by all of your stories as many were and are helped by this one–The Story of Belinda. It is my hope that you all become “free to move on” to become your true selves and help others in the process if you so desire. (It’s okay if you are not ready to speak out and help others yet, compassion for yourself as you heal is rule #1–time alone to heal is important, HSPs 🙂 )
With warmest wishes for inner strength, comfort, and love to all who identify with this story,
Roxanne
Welcome To The Blog For Highly Sensitive People, Intuitives, Empaths, and INFJs In Search Of Emotional Support and Guidance
(May 23, 2012–No you are not seeing double–except for parts of the first paragraph I copied this post and turned it into my new static Home page. So if you have already read this post, check out the comments here and then just scroll down to find the other posts. Welcome to my blog and it’s new format. New posts coming soon! 🙂 )
Hi Everyone. I am back and feeling great. Thank you to all for your prayers and well wishes. I hope you are doing well also. I learned much while I was away and I have much new knowledge and wisdom to share. My Coaching is thriving and I feel very blessed. I love my work–there is no better feeling than helping other highly sensitive souls to feel good about themselves and their lives and to help them to heal their emotional wounds. In my opinion, my clients are among the kindest, most compassionate, gifted people on the planet!
It is interesting for me to take an objective look at this blog now that I have had a break from it for several months–there is so much content here. The first post I wrote back in January 2010. In my last post, I talked about how I feel I healed my final trauma-wound—an abandonment wound from the time when I was only 1 and 1/2. I couldn’t remember it of course but the emotional pain had been dormant within me and in my body in the form of an energy blockage. Both ailments that I suffered from in the last year were in my root chakra–I never knew about the chakras before and I had been kind of resistant to learning about that kind of stuff. But it kept coming up in my search for answers to how to heal from this last ailment. It helped me to put it all together when I read that health issues in the root chakra area may have to do with issues of abandonment. Then it all came clear in the AHA moment I talked about in my last post (see Oct. 2011) and I was able then to process and heal this inner trauma.
Since then I feel different–healthier, physically stronger, and wiser and with so much more clarity and calmness. For the last month, when thinking about what I was going to write for this post I was trying to think of a word to describe this feeling. Then I saw Jane Fonda speak on Oprah and on Dr. Oz and some other shows and I resonated so much with what she was saying about “wholeness” and I realized that is it! I feel “Whole”.
I feel I have come full circle into living my life with the vitality of my whole true self. I feel more centered and grounded with an exhilaration about the wonderful things to come and for all that I have learned from where I have been. I am so grateful for what feels like a second chance at life without chronic pain. I have learned how to relax and enjoy my life. It has been such a rollercoaster of a spiritual journey to come to this place and time where I can say that with confidence and amazement. In 2004, when I started writing my songs and process through the layers of grief and pain that kept coming up and were holding me back, I never would have dreamed it was possible–the pain seemed endless as I worked through my childhood truth that had previously been long hidden away from me. There was something inside of me that KNEW that going through the pain was the only way to get to the other side–that finding my true self was only possible by changing the “faulty BELIEFS” about myself that had formed in early childhood.
And now here I sit feeling very much healed with a new-found ability to recharge and comfort myself and find inner peace no matter what life throws at me and know with complete confidence and trust that everything is going to be okay. I am telling you this because I want all of you to know it is possible for you too. I feel so strong in spirit now with so much to give to assist other highly sensitive souls to heal from their abuse from a narcissistic, emotionally abusive parent or to heal from childhood wounds from an event or trauma from childhood.
I look at the content on this blog and there is so much self-help information here–I am amazed at how I did it! I remember it just flowed out of me easily for almost 2 years, ideas coming to me all the time. I really was just going with the flow in my life at the time–it takes a lot, getting informative posts ready for public view. I look over this blog and it feels like it is “complete’–I have had people tell me that it is an entire self-help book in itself. Some people tell me they read 2 posts a week and it helps them so much. Others tell me they start at the first post and read it like a book.
If you are looking for some emotional support and guidance, there is much content that I have written in the comment sections of each post where I have in the past answered each and every person’s comment. I am no longer able to do that now that I am Coaching a lot more. Frequent commenters have been jumping in occasionally to give support to other commenters when I am not able–it is wonderful to see this happening. Thank you to those of you who have reached out to help others in this way.
I will be answering comments just sporadically and occasionally from now on because of my busy Coaching schedule. But please know, I am here–I am available for Ask the Coach services and for Coaching. I am reading your comments and I know you are out there–I understand and KNOW first-hand the emotional pain you are experiencing as you try to make sense of the confusion and destruction of the spirit that is left behind by a narcissistic parent or narcissistic family members. I send my love and message of hope to you all. I hope this blog will be a safe place that you can come to for comfort, encouragement, compassion, and most of all healing.
UNDERSTANDING THE HIGHLY SENSITIVE PERSON:
In my early forties, I felt empowered when I discovered that I am a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP). I now understand that being an HSP is a gift and for this I am truly grateful. It means I am highly “intuitive”–not highly “insecure” or “weak” as many people have been wrongly led to believe by our American culture and media. It also means that I am “Sensory”-sensitive which is not about emotionality–it means I am sensitive to sensory input that causes me to feel overstimulated at times–HSPs take in 5 to 10 times more stimuli in our environments than non-HSPs. HSPS are highly creative and often visionaries. Here are some other things I learned about being an HSP that I would like to share:
1) MANY HSPS ARE HIGHLY EMPATHIC. Until you understand the benefits of being an HSP, it can be very difficult to understand why you are so different from those around you and why you yearn to “fit in”. HSPs feel things more deeply and we can empathize with the feelings of others so completely that we often unwittingly “take on” the negative feelings of those around us. We can end up feeling “bad” and have no idea why and blame ourselves for it when actually the feelings belong to the person we were just talking to (or sometimes even someone we have just been near). When we feel bad for no reason, the common reaction for HSPs is to blame ourselves and mentally beat ourselves up. For example, we say to ourselves, “what is wrong with me; I should be happy; everyone else seems happy and carefree so there is something wrong with me that I feel this way; I must have emotional problems; I am flawed compared to everyone else” etc. When we can recognize that the emotions we are feeling are from others, we can learn to stop this negative self-talk and let go of and release this negative energy that we have absorbed.
2) HSPS ARE OFTEN TOO HARD ON THEMSELVES. Becoming aware of how you are treating yourself in your head is becoming aware of your “inner critic”. Your inner critic is always negative and always wrong about you. Becoming aware of your inner critic is powerful. Once you become aware that you are listening to your inner critic you must stop and say to your self, “No, that is not true about me!” Then replace these thoughts with positive affirmations such as “I love and approve of myself; I am safe; I am supported and cared for by the Universe (God); and I am a highly intuitive soul and I am sensitive for a reason”. Being able to change the way you treat yourself and talk to yourself will change your life!
3) HSPS ARE LOVING, COMPASSIONATE SOULS. When you love and approve of yourself as you deserve to be, you begin to shine the light that is inside your soul. This light is the gift of the highly sensitive soul: you innately see the good and the potential in other people; you look to yourself to improve rather than blaming others or expecting them to change; you are able to empathize with other people’s feelings with compassion; you are a trusting and loyal friend; and a very good listener. These are wonderful gifts for a person to have for they are rare—and it is usually only the rare and highly sensitive friend that would point this out to you.
4) HSPS OFTEN NEED TO LEARN HEALTHY BOUNDARIES. Being the kind and caring soul that you are, if you are not seeing the value of that, your worthiness, you will often attract relationships with the kind of negative energy that your inner critic is reflecting. Also, people who are less sensitive and not intuitive at all are often drawn to HSPs because we absorb their negative feelings and they feel better around us. Some of these relationships can really confuse us because these non-HSPs can “act” very kind and generous when they want something from us. These are actually people we need to avoid because they drain us and are unable to reciprocate the giving nature that we need and deserve in a friendship. Ending relationships with people who are really takers and manipulators rather than givers is a giant leap towards becoming the person you dream to be. When you are able to take this final step for yourself and start listening to your inner guidance that is your gift, you are well on your way to a life of emotional vitality and wholeness.
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Here are lists of links to important posts within this blog:
HSPs and Allergies, Food Intolerances, and Stress-Related Illness
Helpful Tips About Healing Childhood Pain
High Achieving and Intuitive HSPs Can Overcome Self-Defeating Behaviors
More Helpful Tips For HSPs with N. Parents
Part 2–More Helpful Tips of HSPs with N. Parents
The Misjudgement of Introverts and the True Meaning of Introversion
HSPs and Perfectionism–How to Heal Through Grieving Childhood Pain
Forgiveness is For Your “Self”
Through Pain You Grow Stronger–Processing Childhood Pain
The Process of Inner Child Healing
How My Best Counselor Helped Me
Journaling for HSPs–Over-riding Your Inner Critic
Childhood Pain Comes Up To Heal When Things Are Going Well
Overcoming Self-doubt and Unblocking Creativity
Holiday Survival Tips–For HSPs With N. Parents and My Musical Gift Recovery
Honor Thy Parents Only If They Are Honorable
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As a final note of support, I want to say that as a highly sensitive and intuitive person, you are part of a group of 15 to 20% of the population that is deep, caring, and compassionate with much love to give. Our giving nature is an inspiration to others who are also part of this 15 to 20%. You do not have to be around anyone who makes you feel bad. One fifth of the population is over 1 BILLION PEOPLE–and empathetic compassionate people are out there. When you begin to love yourself as you are, stop comparing yourself to others, and protect yourself and your energy from the negative people who diminish you by staying away from them while you are healing, you will start attracting and finding more compassionate people like yourself in your life. Do not settle for superficial relationships–take the road less traveled. It is the path to love and enlightenment and inner peace.
With love and warmest wishes,
Roxanne
The Process of Inner Child Healing and a Poem of Hope for Highly Sensitive Survivors
Hello everyone. Whenever I write a new post, I “tune in” to you, my readers, and write from my heart. Sometimes I plan what I am going to write and other times I write something entirely different from what I had planned. At the beginning I used to worry, “how can I top that last post”, but now I just trust in the process and I know that what I write will turn out all right.
It is wonderful to feel such confidence. It is such a contrast to how I used to feel years ago before I gained access to the truth of who I am. It was “self-doubt”–a looming horrible anxious feeling of dread and guilt…or more often a feeling of numbness and compulsions to avoid feelings by keeping busy with tasks that I felt I “should” be doing. I had no access to my truth–I had hidden away my truth to protect myself from the unbearable pain that I experienced as a child.
Through my journaling I discovered a process that helped me to heal more than anything else I tried–it was writing out my pain from my inner child’s point of view. I knew from all of my reading and training in psychology that blocks happen in childhood–and I had been encouraged by two helpful counselors to continue to write out my feelings in order to uncover them (I had been writing poems about my feelings since the age of 14).
Writing from my inner child’s perspective just kind of naturally happened and I found it to be the most powerful healing tool in my own recovery. I discovered “her” voice by writing out “her” pain and then I had no choice but to feel compassion for what “she” went through and over time “she” became clearly “Me”! And as I began trusting in this process of trusting “her” view of what had happened to me I began trusting my self. My inner dialogue then gradually changed from critical to compassionate. I remember that I started feeling emotions that had previously been repressed and could then label them.
I was excited about this process. For example, I’d be at the grocery store and suddenly become aware of a feeling such as shame and say to myself , “this feeling is really familiar but I never knew until now that it is “shame”. Wow this is shame from my childhood coming up.” I realized I was feeling these feelings for the first time since I had hidden them away in childhood. Rather then get caught up in them I was able to observe them and acknowledge them and release them. I would often go right away and write in my journal about the origins of these painful feelings. Repressed memories would often come back to me during these times. It wasn’t always so simple–sometimes I would unconsciously drag my husband into a drama only to discover I was replaying a trauma from childhood so that I could finally voice my feelings of anger, grief, or fear to my envisioned N parent. My knowledge of what was happening luckily allowed me to be aware of the process of healing–I would quickly reassure my husband what was happening so that he could then support the release of my feelings as a supportive witness without feeling blamed in any way. Seeing me recover my feelings in such a way and feel relief helped my husband to understand this healing process as well and he began processing his childhood pain in a similar way (he had a Narcissistic parent too).
I am planning to put together a book in which I include the best of my healing writings directly from my journals that show this process of healing first hand from age 18 to the present. Although it will be very personal I am hoping that it will help others to heal and develop compassion for their inner child and what they went through if they are unable to write out their feelings in such a way that I was able–I consider it a gift that I was able to do this and I am grateful to have such a vivid memoir of my recovery. I believe this gift of writing I have been given is another way that I can help other highly sensitive souls to recover and to help them to feel relief from the inner prison of emotional abuse by a Narcissistic parent. Please let me know if you would be interested in reading such a book.
Recently I wrote the following poem when I “tuned in” to you, my readers and fellow highly sensitive survivors. I was planning to save it for my book but I have decided to share it with you now instead to show an example one of the kinds of writings that will be included. Here it is:
Poem of Hope and Healing for the Highly Sensitive Survivor
By Roxanne E. Smith
March 22, 2011
Pain so deep, I can’t see the light
I know it’s there but it’s not very bright
The sadness is thick, despair all around
I envision a child giving up with no sound
Pain so deep, I hide all my hope
Afraid to come out, I feel like a dope
Worthless and horrible, don’t ever try
The pain is unbearable, can’t even cry
I can’t feel the love, I need it so bad!
So much fear without it, it’s really so sad!’
I am feeling much better just admitting this truth
You have to have love when you’re in your youth!
Without love you can’t heal all the hurts that come by
When bad things do happen we need love when we cry
Someone has to hold us and give us new hope
If there’s no one for comfort than there’s no way to cope
No wonder I hid my talents away
When I would do well then I was their prey
The taunting, the teasing, “Who do you think you are?”
Shame became my deepest scar
But who was this child all hidden in shame
An innocent victim who will never be the same?
She thinks she is nothing but she is so wrong
The truth is she’s beautiful, wise, and so strong
Scoop up that child all broken and battered
Love her and hug her and tell her she matters
She’s awesome and wonderful, they were so wrong
Talented, creative , and smart all along
Sensitive soul you were so beaten down
But you figured it out and now you can leave town
You’re safe now and free–no more bullies outside
Shine your light, spread your wings, don’t believe all the lies
Be kind to yourself when the pain comes back ’round
Love yourself through it, your true self is found
You know the truth and now you can be free
Fear is from “them”–in the past, don’t you see?
Relax into the pain and it will dissipate
Because the pain is from lies and it’s never too late!
To believe in yourself and your talents and dreams
You are good at compassion and so many things
They did not want you to succeed with your gifts
So they made you give up and they threatened with fists
You were small so you gave up but now you are grown
You can heal all the pain and make it now on your own
You can do it!–the words you’ve long waited to hear
Say them to your self! And say NO to the fear!
Give them back all the bad feelings that they gave to you
Imagine this energy going outward from you
Then let in the light and the love from a place
Where angels don’t want you to live in disgrace
You know what love is because you give it so freely
To others who need it when they’re feeling needy
Give to your self all this love all the time!
You will find your true purpose and all will be fine
These lessons are so hard that we learn from our pain
But we discover our strengths again and again
So sensitive souls who survived from abuse
Your gifts are so needed to be put to good use
I know how you feel and I hope you feel better
Because we can overcome it if we do it together!
I hope that this poem has helped you to feel loved
You are!–and I send it to you from above!
I understand and I want to comfort your pain
I hope this is helpful. Love, Roxanne Elaine
The Connection To Learned Helplessness in Highly Sensitive People (HSPs)
Updated March 2016
Hi everyone. Today I want to write about a subject that many of my clients and readers can relate to as Highly Sensitive People. It is something called Learned Helplessness. Learned Helplessness is that feeling of powerlessness that we all feel at times, and for some of us it is more pervasive and all encompassing than for others. There is much hope in talking about it because if you can understand the roots of this feeling, you can understand that it is “learned” behavior and that you can become aware of it when it hits you and ultimately heal from it completely.
I first heard about Learned Helplessness in my introductory psychology class in college. And you probably have heard the story as well–the story of Pavlov’s dog. Pavlov used a dog in an experiment in human behavior to demonstrate the result of conditioning. I can’t recall the exact details except that the dog was given rewards or withheld the rewards and the resulting behavior of the dog was recorded and studied. There were other dog experiments by a psychologist named Seligman in which he shocked sets of dogs to demonstrate learned behavior and conditioning and punishment.
The main thing I remember vividly about the whole thing was that at the end of the Seligman experiments, the dogs were shocked repeatedly both when they completed a task correctly and also when they did not. The poor dogs were so confused that they layed down depressed and GAVE UP and even whined–and this was Learned Helplessness that the dogs were experiencing. I still remember learning about this vividly because I felt SO bad for these dogs–I was empathizing and upset beyond what the average person reading this would expect to be.
At that time in college I did not have the insight or self-awareness yet to realize it was because I resonated so much personally with how the dogs were treated. As a highly sensitive, empathetic person I knew just how those dogs must have felt and I related to them giving up and laying down, hopeless, and helpless, in fear, and self-doubt. Those dogs were experiencing the same damned-if-you-do-and-damned-if-you-don’t no-win situation that those who were bullied consistently (or even neglected or controlled) by a caretaker or narcissistic or controlling parent were subjected to day in and day out as children. Years later I remember talking to a counselor about this, knowing just how a dog in those experiments must have felt and it helped the counselor have a picture of the frustration, fear, desperation, loneliness, despair, hopelessness, and helplessness.
After I voiced this to the counselor, I was able to picture myself as a small child with the same compassion I had for such a dog and finally realized that I deserved so much more. The roots of my anxiety were then exposed–no wonder I felt anxious all the time, no wonder I was a perfectionist and afraid to disappoint anyone, no wonder I didn’t know how to relax, no wonder I had no access to my own dreams and desires and was filled with self-doubts and negative messages in my head. It helped to talk to someone about how I felt what I experienced could compare to the treatment of those dogs–the feeling of not being given consistent love and support and feeling rewarded only if obedient and punished with emotional rejection if not.
My life coaching experiences and studies have taught me the following in regards to those highly sensitive people with a narcissistic parent: The Scapegoat child of a N parent can very much relate to this constant punishment and criticism. But the Golden Child (GC) can relate as well because they are often the obedient one who needs desperately some kind of loving approval and, out of fear, becomes what the parent or wants for them to become. Outwardly to others it may appear as if the GC has it all–the love, attention and admiration of the Narcissistic parent. But inside there is so much emptiness and pain, an absence of the knowledge of self and true feelings–feelings that had to be hidden away because they were too painful to bear. The false self is developed and honed in, the GC knows exactly how their N parent feels even before they do. The GC develops a radar that helps them to survive the lack of love and support–and they develop an illusion that they are the ones at fault if, even with their best efforts, they fail to win the acceptance of the N parent. They blame themselves and have very low self-esteem, crushed by criticism, holding relationships at arms length so no one will get too close and cause them further pain.
The roots of co-dependence are also linked to this learned helplessness–victims of such abuse telling themselves that there must be something wrong with them and that they are deeply flawed and it usually goes in one of two ways–either they decide they need to find another person to love them and take care of them and then they will be happy (co-dependence) or they become a porcupine not letting anyone one else near, lashing out at anyone who suspects that they just might have some insecurities underneath their outwardly successful yet workaholic exterior shell. People who suffer from panic attacks and even agoraphobia often have learned helplessness from childhood as a root cause as well.
“What can a person do?” you may be asking if you relate to what I am describing. Plenty! Just being aware and believing that this happened to you as a child is the first step. Just as you have compassion for the dogs in the experiments, you need to develop this same compassion for yourself and make a decision to stop being so hard on yourself. Make a decision to be kind to yourself every time you are feeling bad–it is almost always childhood pain coming up to tell you the truth of what really happened to you. Become aware that the negative messages in your head were put there by someone else and that you did not deserve them. Change them to positive messages. Write in a journal all the things you were good at as a child and never given credit for. Writing out the truth is powerful and go back and read it often to remind yourself.
It takes time so be patient with yourself. Taking baby steps in the direction of healing is wise because there is pain to work through and release but you can do it! You have many gifts and talents that have never been acknowledged yet and only you can bring them out from their repressed state of Learned Helplessness.
Whether you were the scapegoat in your family or the obedient golden child, you can heal from the trauma of Learned Helplessness. Often people who experience post traumatic stress from an abusive childhood fall into this state of learned helplessness when their wounds are triggered. It can feel like an inability to function, a numbness–but sometimes the feelings along with that are a mix of rage and despair.
If you have lashed out at loved ones with an intensity beyond what is appropriate then you probably were a victim of a person that controlled you in an abusive way far far too much with no remorse. If you were extremely sensitive (extremely emotionally gifted 🙂 ), just a mean look from his/her eyes could cause a traumatic reaction in you as a child and the fear may have felt like a spear through your heart. The rage and despair you feel is understandable and appropriate but needs to be directed, voiced, and released at the person that did this too you in a journal, letter that won’t be sent, and/or perhaps even read outloud with a safe witness friend, counselor, or coach present (never to them or to their face) . You will find a sense of relief each time you release some of this truth and the light inside of you will become brighter and brighter and you will feel lighter and lighter. You will begin to experience the essence of your true self and the vitality you deserve. This is the process of healing. Don’t hold onto the anger and resentment that comes up but release it completely each time, visualizing the negative emotions going up to heaven or into the earth,whichever appeals most, to be healed by love and light–Imagine love and light coming to you as well to replace these negative emotions each time to center yourself again to a peaceful state.
Why did you experience learned helplessness while your siblings did not? Perhaps you had the gift of high sensitivity and along with that the knowledge and expectation of a higher level of love. And when you did not receive this love that you innately knew existed, you had no choice but to blame yourself because…it made no sense to you. Your siblings possibly just got mad at your parents and rebelled–they may have had no higher vision of a loving existence so it didn’t feel as traumatic to them.
So you see, the cure and the answer to all of your self-doubt and learned helplessness is LOVE. Love yourself as you deserved to be loved and give yourself the love that you so easily give to others because that is your gift. Compassion and love for yourself will help you overcome all of the many symptoms of Learned Helplessness just as consistent love and affection and kindness would help Seligman’s abused dogs to learn to trust people and trust themselves again. I hope my words have been helpful to you.
With love,
Roxanne
Journaling for Joy and Finding My True Voice In A Poem
Hello to all of you sensitive souls. I hope you are enjoying this beautiful week of Indian Summer we are having. The news says that most of the U.S. is experiencing gorgeous mild temperatures and colorful changing leaves right now. It is definitely my favorite time of the year and it feels like such a gift from above now that I can relax and take it in and be in the moment and fully appreciate it. As many of you who follow my blog already know, it wasn’t always this way for me. I used to be numb to my feelings, keeping too busy to feel, compelled to be a people-pleaser and a perfectionist, and full of self-doubt and anxiety.
There are many facets to my journey to finding my voice as a person, many of which I describe on my blog so that I might inspire other highly sensitive people (HSPs) to believe in their dreams. Writing out my feelings in a journal has been one of these many facets that contributed to my awakening to my true spirit which was hiding inside. I have been writing poetry in a journal since the age of 14, but it wasn’t until about 2002 that I set out to to try to do Julia Cameron’s morning pages (3 pages of free writing every day) which turned out to be extremely therapeutic “inner grief work” that took place over a period of 5 years. It was during this period that I wrote about the feeling that I was “growing a backbone” and this felt very miraculous indeed. I knew I was finding my voice finally and it had been hidden away in fear for so long. I was writing songs and poetry and it never really occurred to me to seriously share them with others until one day when an extra special one poured out of me. When I wrote this poem, it dawned on me that I had been transformed and now, finally, I could reach out and help others–something I had always wanted to do but I always felt I had to figure myself out first. I had a new found sense of self and there was no going back. I am very happy to be sharing it with you today.
After I wrote this poem, I got the idea to write a book sharing many of my poems and my growth along the way to finding my voice and that this poem would be the final one in the book–a finale of sorts. However, since then I have written even more special poems and songs so I have decided to go ahead and share a shortened version of it here in my blog. (I haven’t written my book yet but I plan to start it in the near future.) This very special poem is entitled, “Joy, Our Birthright, Waiting There”. I want to explain that I wrote this with my children in mind– when I say “and I was never there for you the way I thought I was, it’s true”. What this means is when I went through growth and gradually had more access to my true self, then I couldn’t help but feel regret about the past when I had been doing my best but I was not able to be my strong confident true self yet. When I expressed this regret to my children expecting them to agree and feel relief and tell me it had been hard for them, they both instead said they always felt I was always emotionally available to them and it meant a lot to them that I always apologized to them whenever I made emotional mistakes and they felt fully validated at each step along the way in their upbringing. For this I feel extremely grateful because nothing has ever been more important to me than my children feeling good about themselves and their unique gifts and breaking the cycle of dysfunction that my husband and I experienced as children. Still…I can’t help but wish I knew then what I know now….
So here it is:
Joy, Our Birthright, Waiting There
By Roxanne Smith
Feb 21, 2007
Telling someone helped me heal
All the pain inside was real
No wonder I had been so tired
My whole heart had been so mired
So much grief to lead the way
Let it out, so much to say
I was never there for you
The way I thought I was, it’s true
Because I was empty – none to give
Alive but I just now learned to live
Soulful is the proper word
I have “me” – it sounds absurd
Let your painful feelings out
You can’t be whole and live without
Expression of unfairness do
Your soul will help you live anew
And learn compassion for your self
Don’t put feelings on a shelf
Any doubt is harmful thought
The truth is–look how far you got!
Negativity and blocks
To true self and joyful shocks
Being blamed can stunt our growth
Fear of feelings: anger, both
Also fearing joy and bliss
Pain comes up and we all miss
The connection to our rightful heir
Joy, our birthright, waiting there!
Love is what we all deserve
Joy it feels when then observed
Share it then and it comes back
Filling up the past we lacked
Helping others heal their wounds
Nothing like it – glowing moons
Stars are twinkling, warming sun
Nature loves us one by one
Let the love come down on you
It is there don’t block the view
Doubts of self will keep it blocked
You must trust your soul’l be rocked!
With this truth I’m trying to tell
Creative soul fear-blocked is hell
Heaven is a word away
Love is here please let it stay
You deserve its welcome home
Inside you it does belong
Love yourself I’m trying to say
God is trying – just light the way
Ask him to comfort your soul
Believe! And he will rock and roll!
I’m not kidding this I know
I let out grief and felt a glow
A light inside I did believe
I’m OK. I feel. I grieve.
Compulsions all have fear beneath
God has no “shoulds” or “work hard” teeth
Be yourself and kindness do
Serve to help others heal anew
Help them see that love transcends
We can all relax and mend
“Relax and enjoy your life
and everything will be alright!”
This phrase came in a dream so real
I hope this poem will help you heal
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
With Love,
Roxanne
Part 2–More Helpful Tips for HSPs With A Narcissistic Parent
Hi everyone. I am a life coach for highly sensitive people with childhood wounds and I specialize in inner child healing. Today I am releasing Part 2 of my More Helpful Tips post for those of you Highly Sensitive Souls trying to figure out how to thrive when you have a narcissistic parent. It may help for you to review tips 1 through 6 in my last post. To summarize, they were about: your gift of intuition; the childhood traumas you repressed to survive; anxiety, self-doubt, co-dependence and PTSD; there is hope; inner child healing can help; and no contact with your Narcissistic parent may be vital to the healing process. So here are tips 7. through 12.:
7. Know that the GUILT is relieved by acknowledging the anger and hatred you felt as a child that you were forced to repress.
The guilt of setting boundaries in your relationship with your Narcissistic (N) parent will be strong! Ignore it! It is guilt induced from elsewhere that you internalized since you were a tiny child. That has affected your freedom as a gifted child to become your own wonderful self! It may feel as if they took that from you and gave you guilt, shame, and fear in it’s place. So what do you do with the guilt you feel when stepping out on your own to become the person with freedom to do whatever you want with your life? HSPs tend to feel guilt for feeling anger–allow yourself to feel angry about it! Righteous anger is a healthy emotion that you were not “allowed” to express to them–but it is important that you release this anger in harmless ways (not to the parent who abused you) . Acknowledge it, tell a safe person, or write it out in a journal (for your eyes only) in detail the anger you feel for all that you lost. Because this rage inside that comes out sometimes in your life at the wrong people has an origin that needs to be acknowledged and let go of. You have a right to acknowledge this repressed anger for the traumas that happened to you as a child–it was too painful for a child to survive this kind of excruciating, unbearable emotional pain of hating your parents when you needed them so desperately. So the trauma is repressed and the truth of what happened to you needs to be released so that you can finally be free. Punching a mattress with your fist and/or screaming into several pillows for as long as you need to is helpful to release the rage you have kept inside all these years. It helps to have a supportive and safe person present to validate your feelings as you release them. Do not hold onto this intense anger–release it and imagine this energy going away from you forever. (Forgiveness is important but not until all the layers of repressed anger are worked through and this takes time and patience with yourself–do not attempt to forgive too soon or you may get stuck in a guilt about not being able to forgive cycle.)
8. Know that grieving the loss of your childhood is part of the healing process.
Often after the release of anger you will begin to feel all the hurt and pain of not being truly loved as you deserved. Letting this out and releasing this is so important as well in the healing process of your wounded soul. It helps so much to talk to another empathic human to feel fully validated and comforted through this grieving process–but if there is no one possible then you can write this pain out and you may even surprise yourself by the poetry that pours out of you. (No rules when you write–just let it pour out). These words of your soul will always surprise you– you will discover a richness and deep inner life inside of you that you never knew existed. Because it was hiding in fear all this time–a very real fear–fear of your parent’s judgemental rejection and abandonment of your budding wise self.
9. Know that it is okay for you to be FREE of them and put yourself first so you can heal.
It is a free country! You are a free person to do as you wish. And noone knows the pain that a narcissistic parent can do to the soul of a highly sensitive child except those who have experienced it. So stop waiting for approval from the rest of society. You may need to stop all contact with the harmful, negative, malignant narcissistic parent in your life forever and always if that is how long it takes for you to feel safe and have inner peace. You do not even need to attend their funeral if that is something that worries you. It is okay to protect yourself from all the negative energy and judgements of others at family gatherings if you are feeling this will happen. (This all depends upon your own personal spiritual beliefs–I personally now believe our souls live for eternity and those who truly love and support you will be there in heaven and watch over you in spirit–they will understand your reasons for staying away. I believe you don’t need to go to a funeral to say goodbye or to appease family members who don’t support you either. This is something that must feel right to you and your own personal spiritual beliefs) And to support you further, I just happened to hear on the radio today, a Christian counselor reminding someone that “Honor thy father and mother” DOES NOT APPLY when they are emotionally abusive and use fear to control you. Fear is the opposite of love! It is a deal breaker and they are no longer honorable parents. God wants for you to protect yourself and go towards love in your life and away from those who induce fear. I agree with this. Loving parents want you to feel safe and loved–N parents do not care if you feel safe and loved, they want you to obey or else! Please get yourself safe and free.
10. Know that Narcissistic people are known as “Crazymakers” for a good reason.
If you have malignant narcissistic parents, they are not going to change and they are not going to stop trying to make you wrong. You are not wrong for putting your life and your dreams first for a change. This is your time! This is your life! This is your time for healing and dreaming and learning to love yourself as God has always wanted for you. Malignant Narcissism is mental illness. It’s a severe problem and insidious in nature because they appear to fit in with other people and have friends and thrive and look fine on the outside. They may even be religious and say they are devoted to God but it is not true! It is just words! They may even appear to change and will be on their good behavior around your children but don’t believe it. They may even turn your kids against you in an instant if they are able. There’s a hidden self-hatred there underneath in a narcissist and a desire to control others with no remorse and no desire to change as a disconnected self-protection from emotional pain–a complete separation from their soul’s true essence. That’s enough knowledge for you to know you need to get you and your children safe with safe boundaries in place.
11. Know that highly sensitive people absorb the negative energy of others. Time alone and the beauty of nature can help recharge your positive energy.
Malignant narcissists are like energy vampires sucking the good energy out of you and replacing it with all their unconscious negative feelings about themselves. You feed them, so to speak, and they take it and feel better about themselves. And they constantly want more, not seeing or caring how it is hurting you. Only you can stop feeding their endless need for your supply of positive energy. This is what it means to develop healthy boundaries. It is your very essence, your “gift” that they are taking–your ability to give light and love to others. You must protect this gift. It is meant for those who are also of light and love so that we can build each other up and help each other so that all of our dreams can come true and we can improve life on our planet. These dreams and desires that you have deep inside are the innervoice that connects you to God and the light that feeds all of us (HSPs). It is the LOVE that you never got from your N parents that you begin to feel has been inside of you all along. As you begin to connect with your real feelings and your vitality you connect with God and the love and bliss that was there innately in our true selves. Love exists and you can give it to yourselves when you realize you were loved all along and were born with this love to give to others who don’t exploit you.
12. Know that you can rescue yourself! Noone can do it for you.
Take the first steps and start on a path of healing today! Be strong and stay away from your malignant narcissistic parent while you heal and anyone who judges you for doing so. You don’t need to explain it to anyone. Most highly sensitive people will understand without explanation. They are out there–don’t give up! I am proud to be a highly sensitive person and now as a life coach of inner child healing I shine my light brightly to help other sensitive souls out of the dark. You have a light inside of you that has just been hiding in fear. Everything is going to be all right now as the truth of who you are comes to light. Please take extremely good care of yourself so your highly sensitive soul can shine and inspire others. I hope these tips have been helpful to you.
With Love and Light,
Roxanne
More Helpful Tips–For Highly Sensitive People (HSPs) With A Narcissistic Parent–Part 1
Hi everyone. As highly sensitive people, many of you are struggling with how to cope with your relationship with your narcissistic parent and your unsupportive siblings and extended family. First of all I want to tell you that as a life coach for people with childhood wounds, I understand your pain and how hard it is. There is very little support in our society for not having a relationship with ones’ parents no matter how negative and destructive they are to you or were to you in your childhood. Many people have difficult parents but they tolerate them and seem to get by okay so why can’t you, right? The pressure is very real. But let me help you understand the difference between you (an HSP) and everyone else with some more helpful tips that are very important for you to know.
1. Know that your greatest gift is your intuition.
As a highly sensitive person (HSP), you were naturally giving and loving and trusting as children. You had high hopes for yourselves and others including your parents. People with loving and supportive parents are more likely living lives full of vitality and creative fulfillment and healthy boundaries to keep negative, manipulative, harmful people at a distance naturally and sharing their unique gifts with others. These people don’t feel guilty about not getting along with everyone–they just “know” there are some people who are unhealthy and dangerous–they pay attention to their natural instincts. But people with a narcissistic parent were taught at a very young age, even from birth not to trust their own instincts, their own intuition. The horrible thing about that is, that was their greatest gift, “their sensitive intuition”, and it was often used against them.
2. Know that you may have repressed a terrible trauma from your childhood–the loss of the knowledge of your gifts.
Possibly, if you had an N parent, then part of your sensitivities were seen as a gift for “them”. They could control you easily because of your trusting nature–so often they used fear to get you to be quiet, anger to get you to obey, and shame to keep you from feeling independent and strong. And it worked. You trusted them and needed them to take care of you and protect you from a world that overwhelmed your sensitive souls so you…experienced a trauma that caused you to shut down your true selves and become what they wanted you to become. Something happened that was “the last straw” for your fragile but wise self that was developing. Typically it happens around age 5 or 6, according to Alice Miller (Author of The Drama of the Gifted Child). After an incident that you can’t remember because you have repressed it, suddenly, you are obedient and sweet wanting only to please. And please them you did. And that is why it is so hard for them to let go of you now. You took care of them. Completely and amazingly. They felt loved by you and validated by you filling a void inside of them that was caused in their childhood. It is as if you were the loving parent that they never had. That is how gifted you were. Those gifts of intuiting the needs of others are still there–they were just misused and abused by your needy and narcissistic parent. Those gifts of being a loving and giving and caretaking soul were mis-directed.
3. Know that your childhood holds the roots of your anxiety, self-doubt, post traumatic stress, and co-dependence issues.
As you grew up and tried to do some of the creative endeavors that were driven by your soul, your parent probably did not support you because they did not want you to leave them or stop taking care of their emotional needs or they just saw no harm in controlling you. As narcissistic parents with no conscience or guilt, it was easy for them to manipulate you, so they did. The pain of your original trauma at the age of 5 or 6 would come up for you each time you tried to express your true self and these outbursts of emotion may have been shamed and punished by your parent and made you give up each time. This is the beginning of the post traumatic stress that still plagues you today. ” Why do I over-react in these explosive ways”, you may have asked yourself. This is why. Your true self and all your repressed feelings and desires from childhood still want badly to be heard and understood and validated and “loved”. Your narcissistic parent was not capable of giving you this love and still is not and never will be. Your love needs are still unmet. You searched for love from others but sometimes, because parts of you are still undeveloped and childlike, you end up being attracted to people who seem wonderful and charming at first but then turn out to be needy and manipulative and unable to comfort you when you need it most–just like your N parent.
4. Know that there is hope and you can heal.
So what is a highly sensitive person with an N parent to do? You can heal and learn to love yourself and slowly unblock all those creative parts of yourself that never got a chance to be expressed. You can learn to trust your self and your gifts of emotional intelligence and intuition that were seemingly robbed from you and misused and abused. You can gain clarity amidst all the confusion, and hope amidst all the despair. You can learn that it is okay for you to say no to other people’s demands and put yourself first. You need to learn about extreme “self- care” (Cheryl Richardson–author of the book Life Makeovers) and you need a journal to pour into all the feelings from your deepest heart. You need support from like-minded, highly sensitive, safe people to share the pain and grief from the loss of a childhood that feels as if it was taken away from you. All your desires and free impulses were repressed so that you could survive with an illusion that your parent’s needs were more important than your own. But surviving was not really living your life. Surviving is not good enough. Your survival skills just cause you trouble because they are not driven by your heart, they are driven by a needy inner child trying to please a parent that felt unpleasable and without remorse about what they did to you.
5. Know that the answers are inside of you and support is available.
You need to take a new direction. A direction into your own soul. You need to excavate the desires of a child who never had a say in the development of his/her own life! Write it out! Talk it out! Cry it out! Shout it out! You can do this in a journal that is meant for your eyes only. Or you can find a counselor or coach who does inner child healing therapy. It’s important to find support somewhere so you can find your true voice and express it. There are HSP meet-up groups in larger cities. You might also look into Unitarian churches or Unity churches to meet people of a spiritual nature who are not necessarily “religious”.
6. Know that no contact with a malignant narcissistic parent is not just recommended so that you can get the time you need to heal, it is vital!
One of the first steps into this new direction of healing for yourself is ending the old song and dance and unhealthy relationship that you have with your narcissistic parent. If you’ve tried everything else and you are still miserable, that means setting boundaries on contact is an important step so that you can heal and move on with the life that you always deserved. The fact that you understand the words Malignant Narcissistic is crucial here. We are not talking about a parent that is capable of being remorseful about your childhood and trying to change, we are talking about a parent who blames you every time the relationship isn’t going their way–they resent the loss of control over your life that they always had. Control is not love. It may be time to cut off contact so you can finally heal. You do not owe them another ounce of your precious energy. You owe it to yourself to stay away from them as you heal, because being around them at all always takes a toll on you, a toll that is much heavier and destructive and stressful and toxic to you than you may realize.
There are a total of 12 tips that I have written about here today, but I am going to stop here and give you the other 6 in my next post in two weeks because this is getting really long. I hope that what I have written has been helpful to you. I hope that you can enjoy this last week of summer and get out in the warmth of the sunshine–slow down and feel the connection to God’s love that nature provide’s and really take it in. Walks in nature are a great way to recharge your energy. Your highly sensitive soul and body deserve this special treatment. It’s never too late to start on the path to the healing you deserve.
With Love,
Roxanne
Forgiveness Is For Your “Self”
Hi everyone. I have been wanting to share my song “Help Me to Forgive” for a while, but I wanted to explain what I mean by forgiveness because it can be such a confusing and guilt-inducing concept. For myself, forgiving was something I kept trying to do because I thought it was the right thing to do.
As highly sensitive people (HSPs), we want so badly to be compassionate, fair, and kind. I kept forgiving and forgetting the past. I pretended like everything was going to be okay if I just forgave and moved on but I continued to let myself be walked on. I ignored my feelings and kept telling myself I was forgiving and that was the right thing to do. For me, it was the wrong thing to do and the pattern continued until I felt so hurt one day by blatant disrespect for my feelings–when I made a simple assertion that was not to this person’s liking and then they said they were going to do it anyway whether I liked it or not.
I could not deny my feelings any longer. My rage shocked me–I knew it was from childhood and way out of proportion to the event at hand. But I listened to my feelings and it felt good to feel this truth–it was how I had always been treated me and I kept giving out the benefit of the doubt. The anger awakened something in me that needed to come alive–my assertiveness about my needs and feelings and about the boundary that kept being crossing and I kept letting it happen all because I felt it important to forgive and forget.
Now this anger fueled me in a healthy way for a while. It felt good to feel instead of being numb and self-doubting for so long. I wrote a lot about it and found myself in my journaling to have a lot of wise insights and a lot of reasons to be completely fed up with the insidious and mean things that were said to me with a smile.
But I was still so angry, it scared me how angry I was because it was so intense I felt hatred. And this makes sense really when, as highly sensitive children, our trust in ourselves and our spirits feel consistently stomped on until we give up and repress and hide our true selves and feelings away so completely–this is a trauma!– not feeling safe to express our intense anger we hide our true selves away. Now for the first time, I was so angry but I felt alive, I knew it was the truth I was feeling. I was somehow grateful for everything that had happened to me to give me the self-awareness to finally know the truth! Writing my feelings out helped me make sense of it all. I was able to see actions from my childhood which were the cause of much pain and self-doubt. It was very clear! I will never forget this moment in my whole life when I realized there was absolutely nothing wrong with me and that I had just been the victim of a person that I wrongly trusted with my heart and soul. So I made myself a promise not to trust this person with my private feelings (a healthy detachment) and set some boundaries for time and space to heal and it has been a very important decision in my life.
All these emotions coming up helped me connect to this wonderful aliveness–a connection to my true spirit and a connection to God and that he was there with me all along. I know it sounds strange–how could all that pain be so awakening in a positive way but it was. In the midst of the pain, I felt bliss and freedom and truth and so I knew it was right to stop trusting this person. And after a long period of intense anger, pain, grief, and then acceptance, I finally understood what all the talk and importance of forgiveness was all about–I needed to forgive God/The Universe and stopped blaming Him/It for “giving me” such a painful childhood. And I needed to forgive myself because I knew I did the best I could at figuring out a very confusing situation and for blaming myself as a child out of survival. I needed to forgive the whole situation and all the pain it caused me because I had ME again. I do not have to forgive a person who is not sorry to their face and never will be–but I do forgive what they did. I had been holding onto a lot of resentment which I didn’t realize was hurting me and taking a lot of energy.
And that is when I sat down and wrote the song “Help Me To Forgive”. I’ll never forget writing it. It was a very spiritual and pivotal moment in my life. It helped me to start the process of trying to forgive God, The Universe, and me, and the whole situation, and my pain. That is what forgiveness really means for me. Then, a few weeks later, I wrote the song “This Too Shall Pass” with a newfound ability to comfort myself through the worst feelings of rejection and betrayal.
Yes that was quite a month–September 2007. And I am glad I have these two songs to commemorate that special time when I reclaimed my true self and found inner peace and acceptance. And I also discovered a way to let God’s love in my life and really feel it and believe it. As the saying goes, ” The truth will set you free,” but you must feel your feelings to get there.
But in all my writing just now about forgiveness, I don’t want to forget my reasons for writing this post. It is to support you, the highly sensitive child with childhood wounds, from not feeling guilty that you cannot forgive yet. And that trying to forgive even God and yourself before you have gotten through all of the anger and all the repressed emotions from your childhood can leave you feeling guilty and beating yourself up. Please do not feel guilty if you are not ready to forgive anything yet. Please be kind to yourself and love and comfort the wounded child inside for all the feelings you were denied being allowed to express. That is the first step and it takes a long time to tell your whole story–to let out the entire truth. The song “Help Me To Forgive” is meant to comfort you on those times you are filled with anger and resentment about the past–and you are realizing how strong you are because of the pain you’ve been through and you are ready to stop holding on to blame. I share the lyrics with you with the utmost compassion and love in my heart.
With love,
Roxanne
Hope and Healing Haven 
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