Category Archives: internalized messages
PAIN FROM THE PAST
Lyrics by Roxanne Smith
Feelings coming up from I don’t know where
I don’t want to feel it but avoid it I don’t dare
‘Cause it’s pain from the past you see
Comin’ up to say hello to me
Just keep it a movin’ until I’m free
Let it move on through and away from me
They say it gets easier as the old layers heal
I can tell I am stronger and I’m more grounded and real
But sometimes it’s thick and pulls me back down
To how I felt as a child when love was not around
It’s just pain from the past you see
Comin’ up to say hello to me
Just keep it a movin’ until I’m free
Let it move on through and away from me
What happened back then can’t be made right
But I can love that little child in me with all my might
I can protect her and soothe her pain
I deserved love back then and now I’m gonna make it rain
Make it rain love love love
Coming down on me
Make it rain love love love
Until I’m free
Wash away all of the doubt
And the fear and shame
Until I’m a bright shining light again
with no more pain
Repeat 1st verse:
Feelings comin up from I don’t know where
I don’t want to feel it but avoid it I don’t dare
‘Cause it’s pain from the past you see
Comin’ up to say hello to me
Just keep it on movin’until I’m free
Let it move on through and away from me.
Original Song © 2014 Roxanne Smith
Hello everyone! Lots of good things have been happening with my music performances and my coaching in the last couple of months so I’ve been very busy with that. It’s very exciting and somewhat surreal as I keep reaching outside of my comfort zone. HOWEVER, just recently I’ve been surprised by the intensity of feelings coming up that I haven’t felt for a long time or maybe EVER. I know I’m so much stronger because I am observing this happening rather letting it get me down. However, I’ve been surprised at the intensity of old feelings, anxiety, lack of motivation, and emotional pain. I reassure myself that it’s old stuff on the way out but I have the say Man I’m very surprised at the intensity and heaviness of the feelings that been coming and going in the last few days! I look up and listen to youtube channellings on the spiritual guidance about solar flares and energy upgrades and ascension symptoms and things of this nature at times like these when I feel out of sorts. I usually get comfort and confirmation that something big is going on with the planets energy and this time is no exception. One of my favorites for highly sensitive souls and empaths, if you are interested, is Lee Harris Energy. Check his video out at the bottom of this post if you are interested.
So if you are feeling out of sorts, lost your confidence, extra tired and unmotivated, and experiencing bouts of emotional pain, and/or loneliness please know you are not alone and this too shall pass. Highly sensitive souls are feeling it because it’s a gift to be so clairsentient and empathic–it’s not because it’s a curse or a problem. Please allow these times of emotional healing and physical healing to reassure you that you belong to a unique and special tribe of souls here on earth with an innate higher vibration. You might possibly be a lightworker and you might like to google this word and see if you resonate with the meaning of it–it may help you feel supported if you are feeling drawn to learning about spiritual awakening.
If you identify as an empath, introvert, or HSP then you might possibly still be a sponge and absorbing the unfelt feelings of the collective consciousness–this could be happening to you if you are still healing childhood wounds. Learning about grounding techniques and positive affirmations can help a lot. Take solace in knowing you are not alone and you are part of a tribe of highly sensitive people all going through similar emotional healing in similar ways. Please comment if you are needing support from others in this community right now or if you relate to what I am saying. Or let us know if you are doing great and zooming right through because of healing that is behind you. Everyone is different and it’s fascinating to see how we are all healing in different ways and yet similar in other ways. We can learn so much from each other.
One common similarity among us it seems is that pain seems to come up to heal after a success and achievement is reached, that when “wham” old beliefs and insecurities come up to the surface, sometimes the next morning, after you’ve broken through a personal glass ceiling in your life’s journey. Please don’t let your old inner critic/ego beliefs that can get loud after a success convince you that you are not cut out for this new level of success. Just try to observe it happening and write about it in a journal for your eyes only and see how unfair that voice is being to you. That is not the voice of your true self. Self-compassion is the voice of the true self and that is the voice that is best to listen to–your higher self. It’s like developing a muscle when you are learning to tap into this inner guidance–you will get stronger and stronger as you practice recognizing when your inner critic is beating you up. It’s often just a lower vibration energy that is on the way out as your soul is reaching for higher heights–back up where you belong. 😃 Because you were born with a higher vibration–highly sensitive for a good reason and that reason is to elevate the planet with your compassion and innate goodness and positivity.
With love and light, comfort, caring, and compassion,
P.S. Please leave a comment because your comment will help other highly sensitive souls who have not yet found their voice or inner strength to comment yet. Helping others by writing about your story can lift you up during hard times as well!
Here’s the video I mentioned above:
Hi everyone! Now that it’s Spring, the warmth is finally here in the midwestern part of the USA! Yay!! I feel happier when the temperatures are warmer and I can get outside and enjoy nature and recharge. As a HSP healing from childhood wounds, I am still figuring out what makes me happiest and what I “like” most in life–right now I like thinking about some day moving to a warmer climate during the winter months! 😉
As HSP children, your “job” may have been to often to take care of your own parents’ feelings so you didn’t dare even ask yourself “What do I want?, How do I feel?, and What are my dreams and desires? Perhaps it can be “fun” now to “create” a life for yourself that is purely satisfying to “you”. This is not being selfish for HSPs who have spent their lives putting others’ feelings and happiness first. This is realizing your feelings and desires are meant to be your “compass” for finding direction and satisfaction in your life!
Even after all of your recovery and replacing a negative inner critic with a very consistent feeling of love and protection for yourself and you inner child, do you still sometimes wake up with a feeling of shame that surprises you? It may usually happen after a day when you really asserted your voice and followed your heart (I have written about this before). Try to see that as evidence of how your shining light as a child may have been a threat to a narcissistic or bullying caretakers and they had to bring you “down”. “Get off of your high horse!”, “Who do you think you are!?”, “How dare you be happy when I am not happy!?”, and “Straighten up and fly right!”–Were these phrases (spoken or implied silently with mean looks (angry eyes)) ones that come to mind that were a daily occurrence to shame and control you as a child?
Now that you may be working on changing the core beliefs about yourself, it is also helpful to reframe all those events with how you would have voiced your opposition if you had felt safe and knew you were loved and supported by the Universe. Talking back to the inner critic is acknowledging it is there and then saying what you need to say to yourself to be an emotionally healthy soul–say, “I like being on my high horse!–it is good to feel proud of myself!”, “I think I am an amazing and gifted person!”, “Everyone is free to pursue their own happiness–it’s in the Constitution!”, and “Your right way and my right way are 2 different things!” If you had felt safe and strong as a child and had been able to say these things in your childhood without being shamed and punished, then your true self would have survived and you would not have had to push your feelings underground and develop a false self that was fearful and obedient. You can say it NOW and reclaim your strength that it didn’t feel safe for you to have. It is very healing to your wounded soul when you express the truth about yourself, either silently, out loud, or in a journal–express your true voice!
Just realizing you have an inner critic that stops you from enjoying your life and feeling good about yourself is the first step–writing out all the mixed messages swimming around your brain and getting them on paper in a journal will help you to realize that your inner critic has taken over. I no longer have to journal to realize when I am listening to my inner critic–I recognize the negative feeling right away, acknowledge it, and say to myself “that is ridiculous and that is not true about me!”
The real truth is I am a shining light of God’s love and I am perfect just the way I am! You are perfect just the way you are too! There is nothing wrong with you! You just have self-doubt– “doubt” just means questioning the truth–the truth is there but it takes courage to Believe It! Believe it because it is true–you are perfect exactly as you are NOW in this moment! And you deserve the LOVE, COMFORT, COMPASSION, and ENCOURAGEMENT that you never got during childhood. You can learn to give it to yourself!
For myself, any shame feeling I get in the morning goes away immediately as I shoo it away and replace it with love for myself and with my new core beliefs: “This shame is not mine and not true and I have nothing to be ashamed of!” Poof! Gone! I also say, “Wow, I must have done something amazing and authentically me yesterday, I am on the right path!” Then I can’t wait to get up and enjoy my day, my way! I love my life and I am grateful that I am free to enjoy it now.
I feel my true purpose is to help others who are struggling to love themselves because of these very complex, negative messages that were engrained in their brains since early childhood. It is not easy but growing new loving neural pathways in your brain is possible and I am living proof. I hope that by my example I can help those of you struggling, suffering, and occasionally falling into pits of despair to climb out and break free from the negative energy “soup” that can engulf the soul of an emotionally needy HSP. It takes time so please be patient with yourself if you fall backwards sometimes.
The key is to keep on feeling the feelings and comforting yourself through them–it is a grieving process. You will come out the other side–to truth, light, and a connection to the Universe that no one can ever take away from you–it is innate in you and as a HSP you are a loved and highly evolved soul with compassion and light for others as your greatest gift. You are going to be okay if you allow yourself to believe these things NOW–start today. I am here, I understand–I have been lost, and now I am found. NOW is the time to begin to love yourself without shame. You can do it! This blog post was written for YOU!
After a weekend visit with our grown son who lives in Chicago, I felt energized, so energized that I wrote a new poem–even though I am a pretty extreme introvert and we had a very extraversion-filled weekend. I was energized because of the quality of the relationship we have with our son and we all so enjoyed each others company and enjoyed being positive, building each other up, expressing our love and appreciation for each other, and having fun together. So when we returned I was standing in my kitchen and had to grab paper and a pen because I felt this poem just had to be expressed. I just let it flow out of me and when I was done I realized I was still “standing up” in my kitchen! (leaning against the counter 🙂 ) I am so glad I listened to that still small voice in my head that said to write this down. Here is the poem that flowed out of me that cold, winter, sunday evening after our trip:
NOW Is A Good Time
By Roxanne Smith
Feb. 18, 2013
NOW’s a good time to nurture yourself and your feelings
To release the past and all painful dealings.
The pain’s coming up NOW so you’ll see the truth
of how you weren’t seen and loved in your youth.
The child inside, he or she yearns to be free.
The pain is just blocking your feelings of glee.
Joy and great gladness are all waiting there.
Waiting until you feel the truth and despair.
What happened to you was awful and sick
The pain you repressed was unbearable and thick.
You were too small and dependent back then
but now you are safe so the wounds can open
and your soul wants to heal these wounds from within.
You cannot move higher until you tell the truth of your kin.
How they poked you and pulled you down each time you succeeded
’til you gave up and blamed yourself… but they weren’t what you needed.
You were a bright star with a higher energy.
They were jealous and threatened by your desire to be free.
So you hid your true self until a much safer time–
It’s safe NOW so your soul is crying out as a sign
to be kind to your inner child who is coming out—please allow!
Don’t beat yourself up for feeling bad NOW.
Because you’re rising up from patterns ingrained in your head.
New ways of being are in your soul, time to shed
all the old pain, it must be felt to be released.
It is gone forever once you see the danger has ceased.
The danger was real then, don’t ever forget it
but now you choose new friends who are not like your inner critic.
You are learning your true self is a compassionate soul
who is kind to others and that is your role.
So being kind to your self is the very first step.
All day everyday you must give yourself pep!
Don’t listen to your inner critic—it is wrong and so mean
like those who abused you and weren’t nice as they seem.
You deserved better and NOW you must give it to your soul.
The more you are kind, the more you’ll feel Whole!
Each layer of pain will dissolve as you express
all of your confusion and unhappiness.
How could this be… you thought: “I was bad and wrong”
but really blaming “YOU” was unfair all along.
You were a bright light never harming a flea–
so easy to control because you trusted completely.
I hope you can see that you can reframe your past.
Replace those mean moments with self-love that will last.
Accepting Love from Above will change your beliefs about your core.
Who you are YOU must love so your dreams can then soar!
You are gifted and brilliant, a gift to us all.
You are treasured by those others who also feel this call.
The call’s mixed with pain and feeling bad about your childhood.
When you change your beliefs you will see your soul’s all Good!
Then you can reconnect with your self and find creativity and fun.
You’ll learn to relax and recharge from the sun.
Learn to listen to your body instead of working too hard.
You’ll get lots more done when you “play” in your yard.
Allowing yourself to enjoy being you
will slow you down and allow the pain to come through.
After a good cry, each time you’ll feel better–
lighter and lighter ‘til you’re light as a feather.
And allowing yourself to have space that is yours—
new boundaries to protect yourself will help open doors.
You must learn to feel grounded and connected to the earth.
This will help you feel solid and put yourself first.
You deserve to be happy and that starts with self-care.
After you are grounded, then you will become aware
that lifting up others is your gift and your purpose
and there’s a billion others out there who are not just kind on the surface.
They are deep and compassionate—you are not alone.
We are healing together as we feel grace and atone.
We did our best with all that we have known.
NOW we know it’s okay to be angry, then let it go.
Don’t hold onto blame, but blame needs to be spoken.
Release it and move on—don’t yell at the broken.
You are higher than they are (those who brought you down).
You don’t need to punish—you can just leave town
to start a new life and create all that your dreams can arrange.
Move forward… not fixing those who don’t want to change.
Trust these new feelings that spark in your heart.
Healing is painful but that’s only part.
This feeling’s inside that you’re finally alive!
Keep going with following your passions inside.
Don’t compare yourself to others—you have a new gig!
Let desires be your guide and your success will be BIG.
If you do this and trust your intuition inside
your internal guidance will help you to thrive.
Sometimes you’ll get stuck so you’ll need to be kind
to yourself when you inner critic starts messing with you mind.
Drop down to your heart instead of your head.
If you need to cry about something that was said,
grieve for this loss, the wrong path where you were led.
It hurt you so much, childhood pain must be shed
so we can see, that NOW we’re safe and free
And we would have parented differently!
And that’s good you are different and unique and that’s great!
I hope you can see that it’s never too late.
We often must go backward to move forward to be free.
You can heal and find wholeness—take it from me!
I found here a community of souls who relate–
I share how I healed and how sensitivity is great!
By journaling out the pain, I had new eyes to see.
My true voice was found, then my true self was free!
I know it sounds simple but it took a long time.
Try to trust in your feelings, then all will be fine.
As I followed my pain I got signs from above:
“relax and enjoy” and best “You are loved!”
I know of your pain– I know just how you feel.
It happened to me and I learned how to heal
So NOW as you journey from wounded to whole
I hope that these words will comfort your soul.
Please share your feelings in a comment if this post resonates with you. Your comments also help others who are still struggling to find their voice. We can help uplift each other higher as a community of compassionate souls. Thank you for reading. Have a wonderful Spring–may the warmth of the Universe envelope you and comfort you NOW as you heal and grow to your true potential.
With love, light, and my deepest compassion,
Hi everyone. Today I was out on my patio getting my morning dose of Vitamin D from the sun (hallelujah, the warmth is finally here to stay!) and writing down ideas for my next post. When I was finished, the song “Hurts So Good” by John Mellencamp came on the radio I was listening to. You know the one…”sometimes love don’t feel like it should…” Anyway, I had to laugh out loud with amazement as it seemed like a sign from the universe/God that my topic was approved–it seemed clear that I should trust my intuition to write about what I had decided to focus on and that was: what hurts the most in life emotionally can reveal the truth of who we really are–and physical pain can teach us the exact lesson we need to learn to move forward–both kinds of pain help us grow and heal to become our best selves.
Of course the lyrics of the song do not imply that, but the title jumped out at me as confirmation and I have always loved that song! It always makes me want to get up and dance and celebrate being alive for some reason. Sometimes when you are feeling the pain from childhood wounds, acknowledging you were wronged, and you know you didn’t deserve it, you feel so much more alive and you have the right to your feelings about it!! Your anger can be channeled into positive energy to take action for your self and improving your life and moving forward towards your dreams! Also the song implies that you know how love should feel but you are willing to take the painful risk of loving again for the chance of being loved in return.
I so look forward to dancing again to songs like this and forgot how much I missed it until it was taken away when I recently injured my back/hip (S.I. joint)! My pain has almost completely healed. Yay! I still have restricted movements but I have so much to look forward to. And I am on my way to complete healing and I learned much–I will spare you the details until the end of this post for those interested.
Okay, so about the lessons to be learned from the emotionally painful things that happen to us…. I believe that all of us are here on this planet to learn lessons about who we are, what we are capable of, how to achieve inner peace, love ourselves the way we deserved to be loved, and how we can use our gifts to help others. For those of us who are gifted with high sensitivity and intuition it is so difficult to figure these things out until we realize that a lot of the pain we experienced as children was pain of the people around us that we just absorbed and internalized as our own.
One of the most complex examples contributing to many of my clients’ childhood wounds are when the parent is a malignant narcissist. I am sharing these examples of extreme cases in the hopes that they will be the most helpful. When a malignant narcissist starts to feel any emotional pain they get rid of it immediately by blaming the people around them. The highly sensitive child is the perfect target to take away the malignant narcissist’s pain because they absorb it completely and don’t retaliate. As kind and loving spirits, highly sensitive compassionate children would never dream of blaming someone else for anything so they can’t imagine that their parent might be wrong or sick or unhealthy in any way. Now that they are adults they are starting to see the light of how they were “used” to take away the parent’s shame, self-hatred, blame, and self-doubt. Hsps can heal as they acknowledge the truth that they were fine before malignant narcissistic parents took away their hopes and dreams and gave them their pain in its place. They absorbed it all and believed it to be true–saying to themselves, “I am to blame, there is something wrong with me, I am not good enough, I must try really hard to be someone else other than who I am in order to be loved, I am not as good as I think I am, I cannot trust my feelings, I must not make any mistakes, I am unloveable, I am unworthy, I hate myself, or I must be a disgusting human being for upsetting my parent in such a way.” This is what a highly sensitive compassionate child can determine to be true when they are not seen for the kind and sensitive soul they are but used for the dumping ground of the negative emotions of a highly dysfunctional family.
They numb their feelings to survive as children–They repress the pain and decide to be obedient (if they were the Golden Child) or they rebel (if they were the Scapegoat). Either way their mind protects them with illusions about their parents in this case because they need them to survive. They were after all children doing the best they knew how–there is no way for a sensitive child to detect danger when for as long as they can remember, this is what a loving family looks and feels like and it is ingrained in the neural pathways in their brains. They believed the distorted view that their malignant narcissistic parent presented to them and insisted upon because they believe in the goodness of life innately–they trust completely which is a beautiful thing. It is a wondrous gift to be able to trust in life, to trust in the universe, that it will support them and show them the way if they trust their feelings and our intuition. We have the inner guidance and wisdom to be happy and fulfilled, enlightened and loving, full of vitality with the perseverance to press on through the ups and downs of life. They all (HSPs) have this ability inside of them, this trust in the goodness of life, but it was taken away from them.
But what happened to them is not really about them at all. They were victims, yes, but they don’t have to be victims ever again when they work through the truth of what happened to them as children–layer by layer, injustice by injustice, voicing the truth of how much it hurt, how they didn’t deserve it, and see how they lost their trust in themselves and their feelings. Once you start this process of healing the layers, you feel lighter and a little kinder to yourself each time. It is a blessing when you are in the midst of an episode of despair because someone you trusted criticized you and you suddenly realize, “Oh wait, this is how I felt as a child when my malignant narcissistic mother would feel threatened when I expressed a brilliant creative idea and put it down–I was smarter than she was!” –or something to this effect.
DOCUMENTING YOUR TRUTH STATEMENTS is a method I invented during my years as a life coach. Journaling these revelations by writing statements of what you learned about yourself when a new layer of pain is uncovered helps to document your progress. Then when you are feeling lost, depressed, or blocked make yourself get out your journal and read over these statements and you will see the true voice of your soul being uncovered. Statements like “I had brilliant creative ideas as a child”, “I discovered I was actually smart”, “I was kind, caring and innocent and did not deserve to be criticized and abused!” These are truths come to light and will forever be true about you–they will help you change the internalized beliefs about yourself so you will develop your true voice. This will help you stop listening to your inner critic and say,” No! That is not true about me”. Then say your new-found personalized positive affirmations (truth statements) to yourself instead. Your self-doubts will gradually fade and your confidence will grow stronger and stronger.
Childhood pain comes up to be healed in layers–it is like the truth of your untold story from childhood wants to be told and when you are strong enough, the painful feelings pop up unexpectedly in your lives. You sometimes unconsciously provoke painful situations in our lives so that the original trauma can be healed. For example: you are feeling grouchy, irritable, numb, and lost, and you criticize your husband for not supporting you enough, for not just listening, (he is trying to solve it and tell you what to do and you just want to be listened to and heard). He responds with, “Something else must be wrong because I have been listening to you a lot lately but you are still really grouchy.” You blow up and yell, “I wanted an apology but instead you are attacking me” and you fall in a heap of crying, blaming, angry despair. The feelings directed at your husband are so real to you but you are actually experiencing post traumatic stress from your childhood. Your husband deserves about 10% of the anger that you are feeling but the other 90% is from your childhood. (90/10 Principle. John Gray,…Venus and Mars).
In that moment you are reexperiencing the unresolved feelings of your self as a small child with legitimate needs to be seen and reassured and loved–you were perhaps rejected by a malignant narcissistic mother who was too busy with her own agenda to stop and be the loving mother you needed in that moment. Perhaps instead she lashed out at you for being too sensitive, told you to knock it off and be quiet so she could think. When you cried harder she may have slapped you on the bottom, screamed at you, and told you that you were giving her a headache and to go play somewhere. You went to your bedroom and cried and cried and she ignored you–you felt rejected, scared, and humiliated but you felt so ashamed that your mother was angry at you that you wiped away your tears and went out and said, “I’m sorry Mommy I will try to be good”. Then, she smiles at you and says, something like, “good, you learned your lesson about obeying me”.
This is horrible abuse for a highly sensitive gifted child whose only way of surviving this situation is to be a shell of her former self, deny all of her legitimate feelings and needs for pursuing her gifts and talents and dreams, and become a little robot shell of a person with all her feelings pushed way down deep to the point of repression. A child incorporates the internalized message of, I must not trust my feelings or I will upset my mother/father and I need her/him. To the less than sensitive observer this exchange seems harmless enough and they might even think “what a good child” or worse “what a good parent to have such a child that obeys so well”. That is one reason that it is difficult for HSPs to change our negative beliefs about ourselves–most of society doesn’t yet understand or support a childs need to express needs contrary to the parent in charge.
You won’t feel guilty about leaving your abusive narcissistic family members behind when you understand that if malignant narcissists are in emotional pain for even a second, they lash out and blame someone else for it–they are not feeling pain the way you and I do–they get rid of it immediately. They put on acts of great suffering because they know it works to make us feel guilty. Don’t fall for it–it is all an act. They are going about their merry way without a trace of remorse or guilt. They pull out the tears and anguish when other family members are around to get them against you–they get relief and control back from these antics so don’t feel guilty about leaving all of the craziness behind.
So back to how pain is helping you have a better life…. The truth too painful to bear as children has to come up as the painful truth or you can’t acknowledge that it happened, release it, learn from it, and find yourself! It is a painful process but you are worth it! Your true voice has been in hiding for far too long. Next time something happens to you that is so painful it makes you want to give up on a person, try telling yourself, “this pain is exactly how I felt as a child when ___ happened to me!” Then write it out with all the pent-up emotion you can conjure up and see if you don’t feel better when as you write you realize you were an innocent victim and have a right to all of those feelings!
You may just be so grateful for the realization that you were a child who deserved so much more that you will even feel grateful for the person in the present that hurt you! They helped you bring a painful truth from your childhood to the surface to be healed. You healed a layer of pain from your childhood! On to the next! Soon you will begin believing in your goodness and see your inner wisdom and kindness. You will begin attracting only loving giving people like you because your bright shining light of your special highly sensitive intuitive soul can now shine through the existing layers making them much easier to process through. The illusions that helped you survive will fall away and a new-found confidence and ease will emerge.
So remember, from the layers of pain and hurt emerges the wonderful and amazing true YOU! You can do it! I hope that my words can assist you through this complex healing process.
Okay, now for the health update: The recent painful injury to my low back/hip sacroiliac joint (S.I.) is another example of how the universe/God helps us along our path with painful obstacles that are lessons in disguise.
My holistic chiropractor was unable to answer my many questions about what I could and couldn’t do and what would help and hinder my recovery. So I made an appointment with a physical therapist that was prescribed by my family doctor. She was able to tell me exactly what ligaments I had sprained, the reasons for my pain, exactly what movements to avoid and which ones were so safe so I could heal in the fastest amount of time. She explained exactly why it had happened to me–with no core strength in my pelvis from lack of exercise, the ligaments were sprained severely requiring 6 to 8 weeks to heal completely.
She explained that sitting and standing hurts because those actions depend entirely on the ligaments I strained, whereas walking uses different muscles. I can sit for a one hour at a time now, can drive for short periods, am allowed to walk on flat surfaces only, and should avoid all stairs as much as possible until I am fully healed. She showed me the correct way to pick up something from the floor, bending at the knees and holding onto something for support–I had been doing it wrong every time. She has given me homework of daily exercises to start strengthening my core muscles as I heal and I am doing them diligently!
Before I went to my physical therapist, there were 3 occasions when I had no pain in the morning (that is usually when I was in the most pain). I had gotten so excited I ended up doing too much that day and the next day I paid for it with pain that sent me back to the couch with ice and rest. The third time it happened I had this surreal moment of anguish but at the same time a moment of grace and surrender–a reminder of how, even though I was exiled to the couch, I had a glimpse of what I had learned spending most of the month of May on the couch unable to move without the severe pain recurring. The month of May gave me an entirely new perspective on my life and this moment of grace made me permanently slow down and appreciate that the small things in life were actually huge things to be grateful for.
It made me realize: the things I missed being able to do most were things I did not expect because they were lost in all the busy activities I took for granted. I missed most being able to sit up and play my guitar and sing my songs without pain. I missed being able to sit and write creatively on my computer for long periods (my last post I had to write and edit in long hand first). I missed being pain-free so that I could concentrate again and get back to coaching my clients–having chronic pain is exhausting and I had to put my coaching on hold for a while (but it has now resumed 🙂 ). Biking, hiking, and dancing were also activities I loved and never found time for. These are all things that have now been moved even higher on my priority list–maybe this injury is the only way for me to really learn what is most important to me in life.
A bonus from all this is that my husband had no idea how much I did around our home and has a new appreciation for all the years I spent managing our home because suddenly, he had to do it all! I didn’t even realize how much I took on. Now he has wonderfully agreed to continue taking on his share of these tasks even after I fully recover (including half of the grocery shopping 🙂 ). After all, I have a successful career too now and it is only fair! My husband was really amazed at how much work it was and he now has a new appreciation of how much time and energy I spent doing it. As I recover I am learning to delegate tasks that need taken care of, but more important than that, I learned to just let the unimportant things go so we can just spend more quality time together and be in the moment enjoying life! I am very grateful for a husband with such a kind and compassionate soul.
With every new victory in my physical abilities, we celebrate together and both of us appreciate our life together and our health so much more. Soon I will be able to dance again. We both loved to go out dancing together when we were younger–why don’t we do that more often! Now with my physical therapist teaching me core strengthening exercises, I am determined to get strong and enjoy things with my husband that we both love to do together: biking, hiking, and dancing! Yay! Through pain came important changes: the ability to slow down, be grateful, and relax and live in the moment; delegating tasks so I have more time to commit to the work and activities that I love; commiting to getting and keeping core strength and stamina; and letting the unimportant things go!
I hope my words have inspired you to look for and find the lessons amidst all the wonderful ups and painful downs of life. I hope I have helped you to find strength in the truth re-experienced by your wise and gifted inner child. And I hope I’ve helped you to slow down and discover the joys in the small blessings in your life.
The Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) and The Body–An Awakening To the Importance of Listening To It and Core Strength
Hi everyone. I am back and writing again. Yay! I hope you are enjoying the beauty of this spring season and all the brilliantly colorful flowers. Thank you to those who commented or emailed me such wonderful wishes. It was quite a traumatic ordeal for me but I believe there are lessons in all things that happen to us–especially the painful things.
As a highly sensitive child, I have always been sensitive to pain and felt my pain more acutely than others–both physically and emotionally. I have childhood wounds related to how I was cared for during illnesses and also a hospitalization as a toddler. Being “laid up” as I have been the last few weeks has broken open many of those wounds so that I could remember, reframe them with the truth of who I was, and finally grieve, release and heal the repressed emotions.
I had always had a hard time when I was sick–I would beat myself up, blaming myself for causing it–always finding it difficult to rest in order to heal–sometimes even prolonging my illnesses because of the stress I added to the illness. I discovered this 2 years ago when I had 2 bad viruses back to back. I had to face up to the fact that I had to change how I pushed my body too far and was terrible at resting and relaxing. Things like this always have their foundations formed in childhood. My husband could see the patterns I couldn’t see as clearly. “Don’t be so hard on yourself, relax and let your body heal “, he would always say. “Take it easy, don’t do anything today but rest.” It helped but as soon as I recovered I’d go back to my bad habits of not listening to my body.
If you’ve read my post from June 15, 2010 on HSPs and allergies and stress-related illness you know that I am recovering nicely from adrenal fatigue. Developing stronger boundaries has definitely helped reduce the negative energy in my life and the “fight-or-flight” responses to stress that I had a pattern of. When your body reacts to stress with a fight-or-flight reaction you have increased cortisol (the stress hormone) in your body in the form of adrenaline. This is an “extreme fear” reaction that I believe many HSPs with childhood wounds do not even realize they are experiencing because it is combined with the numbing or anesthetic effect that goes along with the adrenaline rush. What I now have learned is that even positive events in life can trigger this fight-or-flight response if you had the daily trauma in your childhood.
It’s like post traumatic stress in a way–any event, positive or negative, can open the wound and the internalized belief “I am not good enough as I am, I must work extra hard to be perfect to be loved”. These are the roots of the compulsions of perfectionism, workaholism, burnout, and exhaustion etc. It is automatic and unconscious until we become aware of it, give voice to it, and then can reassure ourselves and calm and slow ourselves down. Sometimes it takes an accident, illness, or an injury for us to awaken to the knowledge of: “this pattern has to change–I am hurting myself by doing this!”
For me it was the event of both my children coming home. My 24-year-old son who lives 3 hours away and I hadn’t seen since Christmas was coming home for 4 days at Easter. And my 20-year-old daughter was coming home from her semester studying abroad in Australia 2 days after Easter. I overdid it! I was drained and exhausted but still so excited by the end of Easter evening–my low back/hip was aching but I ignored it. My son left after a wonderful visit but my daughter would be home in 2 days. I ignored my hip pain and exhaustion and just had to go to the grocery to get her favorite foods, just had to go to the party store to buy welcome home decorations and balloons, just had to clean up her room and get it ready for her, just had to hang up the banners and reach and stretch to hang lots of streamers in the main area of the house. All that stretching and twisting was way too much for my already injured sacroiliac joint! (I had moved boxes out of my son’s room to prepare for his visit). I thought I just needed a chiropractic adjustment and I’d be good as new–but I was continually injuring the ligaments to my sacroiliac joint! I didn’t listen to my body–it was begging me to stop, begging me to rest, “all this isn’t necessary, don’t do it” my intuition whispered to me. But “I have to” was a louder voice. I now realize my childhood fear of “not being good enough as I am” was playing out my trauma from the past into the present.
I did cut back on some things I had planned to do and rested with heat and ice packs for 3 hours before we picked up my daughter at the airport–but it was too late! The damage was done! And as the adrenaline wore off and my daughter settled into our home with “Mom, you shouldn’t have!”, she ended up being so right! I shouldn’t have! And I will never forget this painful lesson of ignoring pain in my body again. (I ended up in the ER with excruciating pain 1 and 1/2 days later–see my last post for more info.)
Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. Besides adrenal fatigue, I have never had anything chronic and this was chronic excruciating pain. I thought I had discovered a healthy alternative to exercise with my specific carbohydrate diet that was and is the perfect solution for my highly sensitive digestive system. Avoiding complex carbohydrates and sugar gave me more energy and kept my weight down. So I fooled myself into believing I didn’t need to exercise. (I tried exercising occasionally with fits and starts but the pain always made me quit–I now see there was emotional pain from my childhood tied into “getting stronger”. I learned that often childhood wounds related to our bodies can have complex origins. Hsps can feel shamed with looks of disgust or disapproval when expressing themselves joyfully through their bodies–dancing, running, and playing can be seen as threats to a N parent who need their hsp children to stay dependent and near and “take care of them forever”. This may be an unconscious act on the part of the N parent–The mixed message of “grow up”/”don’t grow up and leave me” leaves many HSPs to feel guilt about growing strong and competent and enjoying having strong bodies. HSPs can sense this message even though the parent may be completely unaware that they are projecting this onto their child.
Now I am told that if I’d had more core strength and the overall strength and stamina that only exercise can provide I could have avoided this injury. With weak core muscles I put strain on the ligaments related to my sacroilliac (SI) joint and injured the ligaments severely. Sprained ligaments like I have takes 4-6 weeks to heal. And you must be very careful not to reinjure them by doing too much too soon–I read that if you reinjure certain SI areas 4 or more times, you could end up with chronic pain there for the rest of your life!
And this week I did have a setback. 3 weeks in I was doing well and was finally able to pick things up off of the floor and drive etc. but I must have done too much and remember one sudden jolt that retriggered my pain and set my progress back a whole week! Ugh!…back on the couch just when the pain was beginning to lessen. But I learned from it and am now even more careful and even more grateful for the activities I took for granted before.
As bad as it sounds, this traumatic experience has changed my life for the better. I learned:
1. I avoided exercise because of the pain it caused me but that is nothing compared to the pain of being immobile and unable to function normally and perform the simplest of tasks like putting on ones own socks!
2. I must commit to regular exercise as soon as possible after I heal. My plan is to start walking and doing core strengthening daily and then I am going to do Pilates or yoga and join jazzercise again. I loved Jazzercise classes in my 20’s and 30’s–I had stopped in 1999 when it became too fatiguing and painful for me (I didn’t know then that I already had symptoms of adrenal fatigue). The adrenal fatigue is now better so I should be able to get back into it if I am very gradual and process the emotions as they come up.
3. I must get in shape and get core strength for the first time in my life and stay that way! I hope to get up to doing Jazzercise 3 times a week. Also I plan to do lots of hiking and biking with my husband which he loves to do but has always done without me because….well… honestly… I couldn’t keep up. My body has now taken a front seat in my life–I am sorry I didn’t listen to it sooner! Fear of this pain returning is a great motivator–muscle soreness is nothing compared to the intense chronic pain and the pain of being immobile and dependent on others for everything.
4. I am too young for this kind of injury–I am only 49. Now my body has caught up to the “new beginning journey” that my heart and mind were already on! And so for this wake up call I say, Thank you, Universe, for all that it taught me!!!
Wishing all of you love and kindness to your spirit, mind, and BODY!!
Hi everyone. Finally a new post! It’s been a wonderful, eventful summer! It’s been very exciting and my husband and I are so proud watching our children start their new independent lives with confidence, hard work, determination, and exhilaration as they pursue their dreams and desires. It’s an emotional time of bittersweet endings and wonderful new beginnings for all of us.
Although we still have an entire month of summer weather left to enjoy, this time of year always seems like the beginning of a new year because of the new academic school year starting locally and at universities everywhere. The excitement of buying school supplies and getting new books with new subjects to learn about still affects me in a positive way. I was able to master my ability to relax and enjoy myself in the summer, my most difficult season, and truly “be in the moment”.
Now I am excited to be returning my focus to my true purpose in life–comforting and encouraging highly sensitive souls (HSPs) with childhood wounds to heal and feel GOOD about themselves. To all of you sensitive souls out there reading this blog, I feel your presence and I understand your struggles and frustrations. Here are some helpful tips and reminders for survivors of an N parent:
1. Compassion for yourself is always rule #1. You did a great job surviving a very difficult childhood. Instead of getting loving support you may have been ridiculed and undermined. You DESERVED compassion but you did not get it. You must learn to give it to yourself. You really can be the ideal mother or father to yourself that you never had. As survivors, you may often be too hard on yourselves. If you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed, stop everything and be nice to yourself about it. You have every right to feel stressed and overwhelmed. Imagine the most loving mother comforting you through it. What would she say to you? “Everything is going to be all right. You have worked so hard and you deserve to rest. Put your feet up and I’ll get you a warm blanket. How about some green tea and a warm cup of soup.” 🙂 Put your worries out of your mind–does that task really have to be done today? No, it does not. It is very important to know that until you have unconditional compassion and love for your self you will not have the energy to give compassion and love freely to others! Healthy, loving relationships are reciprocal–you must have compassion to give to others if you want to attract people into your life who are truly “giving” in return.
2. Forgive yourself. When you have an N parent you were never taught that it’s okay to make mistakes. When you make a mistake, a loving parent would say to you, “It’s okay, that is how we learn and you learned a lot from this–maybe it is even good that it happened.” If you had this message growing up, imagine where you’d be today! You could glide from one mistake to the next without beating yourself up about it, instead you would say to yourself, “that’s okay, I am only human, we all make mistakes and that is how we learn.” Also forgive yourself for trusting the wrong people. Because you had an N parent that you trusted for a long time, you may be confused about what a healthy relationship looks and feels like. It takes time to learn to love yourself and start attracting people who also love themselves and have real love to give. Forgive yourself about trusting the wrong people along the way, this happening is often a necessary stepping stone on your journey to finding your true selves and honoring all of your feelings.
3. Allow yourself to have some inner confusion at times. We all have inner confusion at times. Even Deepok Chopra, Eckhart Tolle, and the wisest psychotherapists on earth have inner confusion at times and this is how we continue to grow and learn. This is part of the human experience on this planet. You cannot and must not feel that you have to be on top and have it all figured out all the time! Your N parent may have made you feel this way probably because you were so very bright and right so much of the time, they felt compelled to knock you down and never gave you credit for your brilliant ideas. So when you weren’t on top and were naturally feeling confused about some unexplained event in your lives, they probably often took this opportunity to point out to you, “See you aren’t so great, this happened to you and this is proof! This may have very confusing and painful to you which just further made you harder on yourselves. You may have said to yourselves, “I must never let people see that I don’t have it all figured out. I must be even more perfect!” If you can see how unfair this was to you as a child and how you deserved to feel okay about having inner confusion, you will feel much relief and realize you deserve to be… human. It is so unhealthy trying to be perfect. You must allow yourself to grieve for the time you spent feeling unworthy of acceptance and that you are not good enough as you are in each given moment. Sometimes you have inner confusion–it is okay…let it be. In time, the lesson you were to learn from it will be learned and you will progress again towards expressing your true voice.
4. Guilt, shame, and doubt are thoughts and feelings from elsewhere to be ignored. Ignoring your “inner critic” is hard to do because it feels like it’s your “self” telling you these negative messages so you think it must be true. But these messages and feelings are not from your true self–they are incorrect beliefs from surviving your N parent which you have internalized! You can learn to recognize them and identify them as your “inner critic” which you must ignore. It is not the truth! Your inner critic is WRONG about you. Most often the exact opposite is true. When you become conscious of your “inner critic” you can over-ride your thoughts with positive affirmations such as “I love and approve of myself”. Getting in the habit of catching yourself when you are unconsciously beating yourself up will change your life! When you can stop your negative thoughts and know and believe that they aren’t true, your true purpose and compassionate self will begin to emerge. This is not easy and this leads into my next tip. Sometimes you must get help from a safe person you trust fully to grieve and let out the pain from your abused inner child before you can begin to change these negative beliefs about yourself.
5. Consider reaching out and getting help. If you are projecting bouts of anger and despair onto your loved ones and are confused about why this is happening, it helps to understand the roots of this confusing pattern. In inner child grief work, this is called “transference” and is a very important and necessary part of the healing process. It is as if you must pull the other person into the drama of the original feelings from childhood so that you can process these feelings and heal them in the present day. Post traumatic stress (PTSD) is the eruption of past unresolved childhood pain into your relationships in the present. If you don’t understand what is happening it can wreak havoc on your present relationships. But if you work this out with a skilled coach or counselor that you fully trust, you can learn to understand your feelings as they come up and you will not need to act on them. You can learn how if you are able to display the out-of-control feelings with this safe person who is able to stay impartial and unaffected and still be compassionate even to angry or blaming projections. Depending on the severity of the abuse and the transference symptoms, look for an experienced and sensitive counselor or coach with knowledge of inner child healing and are humanistic in their approach. As a coach I can help clients with mild symptoms of post traumatic stress–I have experience with this as I not only worked through my own transference and projections with a therapist but also because my husband and I worked through our projections and transference from our childhoods onto each other to the point of working through most of our co-dependence issues. We were able to do this because of our deep trust in each other and because of my training, my own self-growth which had to happen first, and my knowledge about healthy communication skills, grieving our losses, and what constitutes healthy boundaries.
I will be sharing even more helpful healing tips here on my blog in the coming weeks and months. As a highly sensitive person who survived an N parent, you can learn techniques to love yourself and heal your childhood wounds so that you can have the peace of mind and confidence in yourself that you DESERVE. I hope that my tips have been comforting to you. You are a special highly sensitive soul and your healing is necessary so your God-given gifts and true self can be actualized and all your dreams can come true. You survived a N parent–be kind to yourself! Now is your time for healing. I care and I am here for you.