Hello and welcome.
If you have happened upon my website and are wondering if someone in your life is a malignant narcissist or not, I have found a website that describes it very well. Below is a link to an article from Out of the Fog.net that is entitled, “What’s It Feels Like To Live With Someone With NPD (Narcissistic Personality Disorder)”. You have to scroll down a bit to find it after you go to the link. I hope you find it to be helpful, and informative:
I believe here is a percentage of souls on this planet that are existing “for themselves” and are not able to experience or give love to others– these include people with narcissistic personality disorder known as malignant narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths. I believe these people are disconnected completely from their true essence and light due to atrocities and abuse so severe that they have had to “check out” and the dark beliefs they were forced to accept are now running their lives due to their own free will. They do not want to be fixed, healed, or change so do not waste your precious energy trying to fix them, heal them, or take care of them. They often are like energy vampires and they insidiously try to put out your “lights” and diminish your belief in your gifts. You do not have to be around anyone who makes you feel bad or zaps your energy or light even if it is a parent or family member.
I hope my blog community offers you a safe refuge if you are healing from childhood wounds from narcissistic abuse.
Sending you comfort, encouragement and my deepest compassion,
Thank you very much for your website Roxanne. I am beginning to realise, through what you have written, how extremely traumatised i am and how much healing I need. Keeping it all in has made me ill to the extent I have little energy and a lot of physical pain. I look forward to reading more of your insight and advice. It encouraged me when you wrote we dont have to see that parent again. I was trying to obey the commandment to honour that parent. Have a lot of thinking to do.
diana, thank you for your comment. I am so glad my blog has been helpful to you in seeing things with a new hopeful perspective. I was just the same as you at one point in my life but it all changed little by little, by listening to my own feelings and being validated by others on a similar journey. You have turned a corner and awakened to the idea that you can have a better life! The healing has begun. Be very kind to yourself and honor YOUR feelings as a guide to what to do next. Realizing I could be free from narcissistic people in my life without guilt was such a relief to me and made all the difference in my life. Thank you for sharing your new-found awareness–it is so helpful to others who are still suffering in obedient fear. Warmest wishes, Roxanne
This is helpful. What I am finding out is that there is a lot of impatience and outright anger from ‘friends’ who push their own solutions on you. I think all these issues have to be taken very carefully and studied deeply. You can’t rush into something like No Contact without understanding the fallout, the guilt and the potential backsliding.
I am at a point where I know I have to do the No Contact, but I also know I have to know all the ramifications of this serious step. I don’t want the constant pain anymore, and I don’t want to be pushed into something I don’t thoroughly understand. I need to carefully proceed, regardless what others think.
I have been short on loving myself, but I know where this comes from. It’s a life-long servitude to the chief narcissist and the fear (as has happened with a really nasty sister in law) of being reported to the chief narcissist for expressing my feelings and pain on the internet.
No more. I am through with the cult of silence and denial. I know more and more what I need to do. Painful, but I have no real other choices if I want to regain my self-esteem.
Dear Lady Nyo,
When I began to maintain no contact with my NPD mother and stepfather, it was very painful and it was very hard for any of my friends to support me, but I managed to find enough support through therapy and my social network.
You are right, you alone know when you feel like you are at the point where you are ready to maintain no contact, since no one else can make that decision for you. People who have not lived around those who constantly violate boundaries and cause pain do not know just how much of a toll it takes on the victim.
I think it is great that you are venting through this post. I have used this site many times to help me, and in the process, I have successfully maintained no contact with my family for a year and eight months. It has been amazing to discover the new found self-esteem I am slowly building each time I take on new challenges and risks despite all the pain I feel.
Thinking of you,
Hi Lady Nyo, I apologize for not replying to your comment. It is my intention to reply to all comments and somehow I missed this one. Thank you so much for your comment–you bring up an important point. It is very important that a person have some supports in their life and to be prepared before going No Contact. Every family situation is unique and every Narcissistic parent different in their level of abuse. The potential for backsliding is real if you don’t anticipate the level of guilt-inducing, shaming, and angry threats that may require you to be very, very strong. Yes, absolutely one should be fully aware of the difficulties and proceed carefully. I understand the fear that has kept you from being able to express your true self and feelings. That is awful to have to live that way–with a chief narcissist as a dictator!
Your comment will help others who also have had enough and are also ready to put themselves first to regain self-esteem and discover their inner strength. Well said! I hope my blog will support you as you decide what to do next. Warmest wishes for your continued healing, Roxanne
When a child is traumatized, and becomes an adult there are numerous things that we drag into adulthood..and into our aging.
So much is buried into our psyches…first as a child, then as an adult.
Our survival as a child is predicated on our silence and our agreement with the narcissist. We don’t get to express our different, sometimes radically different opinions because we fear the anger and the isolation and the contempt of the Narcissist. When we are adult, we bring as terrible baggage in many of us: a particular numbness emotionally. We have ingested this fear of our opinions, our fear of any diverse thinking…anything that will go against the behavior (and create anger in the Narcissist). We don’t trust other people…we are suspicious of them…and we especially don’t trust ourselves.
Perhaps those of us who DO survive childhood trauma turn to art, music, literature, and try to process those the trauma in these creative and DIVERSE ways. We try to process these long buried emotions that we have been denied to express as children and younger adults.
It’s not that we have to do them well…it’s that these things….are openers to worlds where we push ourselves and honor those small steps we can make here.
Many people who are artists of different natures have become so because their creativity springs from the earlier trauma.
It’s something that defines us different from our parents…our Narcissistic mothers. It’s finding our own voices of belief in ourselves and our abilities.
We end the numbness (because art, music, literature) demands that we dig deep within ourselves and TRUST that inate ability.
We find our voices, even if we find them in old age.
Lady Nyo, Thank you for your eloquent comment! So well said!! I agree with everything you say here! I especially like how you said “these things…are openers to worlds where we push ourselves and honor those small steps we can make here.” Yes! Through expressing our pain we grow stronger, and our creative true selves emerge and we see our purpose on this planet! And it is never too late! Thank you for this 🙂 , Roxanne
Hi Roxanne, I was just reading the NPD traits in the article you have given us a link to and there was that part where they mentioned something to do with `magical thinking’ or something of the sort. It made me remember how some years back my narc mum started claiming to have visions in her sleep and it has persisted till date. Funnily enough, her `visions’ always justified calamities that happened in our family or in our country. I keep on wondering what exactly she is on to. The worst bit is she has joined a certain denomination that i’m not that comfortable with and sometime last year started giving me conditions so that she could manipulate me into joining the same denomination. I’m proudly Anglican and i have no intention whatsoever of changing my denomination and more so when i see certain denominations accomodating people like my mum who never have anything positive to say to others and are always gossipy. And we ended up quarelling over it where i made it clear that i shall never join her church.
Another trait i have seen is the act of misquoting someone or something to that effect. I could have read it in the other posts i’m not sure because i have pored over a couple with regards to your advice in the mail you sent me to read about narcissistic parents on the blog.My narc mum has created enemies for me in the family by twisting whatever information i give her. At the moment, i feel as if i am the scapegoat of her side of the family because a lot of people do not like me, do not believe me when i try to tell them honestly that my mum twists information and also say i have a mouth and gossip about others. It has caused me immense pain in the last couple of years to the extent where at the moment, i’m trying to put measures in place that will enable me attain financial independence and cut links with her side of the family for good. I have also noticed that nowadays they also have taken a habit of accusing me falsely no wonder i came to that conclusion that i might have been transformed into their scapegoat. How sad considering i’m my mother’s golden child who she sometimes also treats like a milder version of a scapegoat because she is nowadays sensing a shift in my loyalty to her. And whenever i confront her about the lies she is peddling around that supposedly came from me, she gaslights me by claiming that i’m persecuting her the same way Christ was persecuted.
I’m sorry for this lengthy comment but i really need to offload some things so kindly bear with me if possible.
I was reading Belinda’s story and how she always sought approval from people in the past. Story of my life. I give a lot in friendships and love relationships and most of the times get nothing or very little in return. I have always felt like i have a problem for crying easily or being affected easily or being dumped too early by a man in a relationship and my cousins from mum’s side use that to their maximum advantage by taunting me endlessly and at times going to the extent of mistreatment. I had to move out from their home very recently and drop mid semester from campus because of their mistreatment. Nowadays, i try to be tough because i have always felt that there was something wrong with me to be that sensitive. Africans don’t even act that way! I’m an African. But still on most occassions i find myself reverting back to the same sensitive way i am. My mum uses that to justify why people on her side pick on me. I just wish it was very possible for me to completely cut links with her without feeling like i will get a curse or something the way she always threatens us with curses for ill treatment of parents in African society. I avoid her immensely nowadays because i came to realize that she hardly gives practical advice and will always insist on Bible reading and praying while shelving your real feelings aside. Perhaps just offloading my problems to someone else who understands and has been there might help.
Thank you Roxanne for this blog.
Thank you for your insightful comment, L’s Delights 🙂 –it will help many others who are struggling to gain clarity about being victimized by a N parent. I am so glad you are finding this blog to be a helpful support to you. I understand all you say here. Thank you for sharing your story. With warmest, caring wishes to you as you embark on your healing journey, Roxanne