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Category Archives: PTSD

New Channeled Angel Message–August 2019 Update Part 2 For Empaths and Sensitive Souls

(These messages are to be shared for all who resonate and are open to receiving spiritual guidance.  This includes Empaths, Highly Sensitive People (HSPs), Lightworkers, Spiritually Awakening Souls, Earth Angels, and to all Seekers and Open-hearted souls.

This message will be added my Channeled Angel Messages Page on my blog which has posts of angel messages that I am now posting there weekly or bi-weekly.  There you will find all the other messages from 6 Archangel Guides (most of the time it is 6 but it changes) that I have posted since November, 2018.)

Hello Everyone! I have another channeled angel message for you! This time Archangel Ariel joined my usual 6 Archangel Guides for this message.  

Archangel Ariel is the Archangel of the Natural World and is a healing angel using nature to help us Rejuvenate! She has a special connection to nature, animals, and elementals and helps us connect with these for our own comfort and healing.  She is also a powerful aid in manifesting abundance in our lives.  She’s the “Lioness of God” helping us with confidence to get out of our comfort zone and “go for it!”  She has a feminine light pink energy of divine love that she shines strongly to comfort us and remind us of the strength in our divine nature.

Before I channeled this message I checked in with each of the Archangels to confirm their presence.  I detected another Archangel and when I asked who it was I was told the name Ariel. Then I felt the amazing essence of this new angelic guide who wants to contribute to these messages to all of you. I feel so honored to be the one who gets to be the messenger of this important angelic information from these 7 Archangels–it all comes through as a singular group consciousness message. Here is the latest message!:

Channelled Angel Message on Aug. 23, 2019

“Dear Ones, We are so happy to be giving you this message today.  We see you are weary from the energies of this past week. At the same time you accomplished much in the way of your own healing and knowing what you must do next on your journey to fulfilling your life’s purpose.  It hasn’t been an easy week but you are somehow also grateful for where you are now from all that you have learned.  You are aware that you need some rest and then you will have a burst of energy to get things done that you are excited about. 

You are listening to your inner guidance and have new clarity of direction in some areas and other areas are still cloudy.  Trust that you will be guided to the other paths when the time is right.  You are tweeking your plans somewhat to fit your personalities to fit the fine line between your comfort zone and taking some risks that feel right to you.  You have learned from past experience to not go too far out on a limb BUT you are more comfortable with being your true spiritual selves in ways you haven’t been comfortable before. 

You know you are here on a mission to help the planet be a better place and you are ready to shine your light brighter than ever before.  We are proud of you as we see you have learned to pace yourselves and have learned much about self-care, grounding and taking baths or getting in nature when you feel drained.  We are proud of your new found clarity about when you are feeling the feelings of others and how to release these energies and recharge in your own pure love energies.  Wow! This is such a valuable tool for your life—you can recharge from any trigger or stressful situation knowing you can always connect to pure love which you are seeing is your natural state of being. Yay! Congratulations!

Another thing we see happening for you is that you are embracing whatever life throws up to challenge you rather than dread being triggered again by loved ones.  Recent events have helped you to see that you are the stronger one emotionally and by staying calm and shining love on a person who is in a negative state you understand now that you are shortening this conflict in big ways and getting to the lesson or feelings that are to be released very quickly. 

You are excited about so many things, you are able to prioritize the things that tax your time and even cut out doing things you used to do so you can be more productive during your day.  You have a new determination to achieve your goals because you know you are good at these things and you see the service that you bring to others with your gifts.  Yes, it is an exciting time right now.  We want to encourage you to keep on seeing yourself in a positive light even when you are tired and need a rest. Others may not understand this need for rest so you can rest without others knowing if this makes it easier—you are stopping yourselves from complaining and wanting others to validate your tiredness—you see that they are not going to understand because they are not where you are on your soul’s journey. 

The emotional healing that you have done has caused you to be very aware of your feelings, body, and mind whereas others in your life are still needing to avoid and numb out their feelings with different vices that no longer interest you.  A big challenge for you is to let them learn for themselves—your results with your new ways of being are a role model for them and you do not need to say a word. Your results will be clear to you and to them in an unspoken and yet deeply satisfying way for you—You KNOW you are teaching them there is a better way to attract abundance that is not forced but comes from following a flow of your heart’s desire and inner guidance that only comes from getting out of the the left brain’s linear thought flow and following the heart and right brain feeling-side or meditative “intuitive” side. 

Writing in a journal connects you to your right brain and inner guidance and access to pure love.  We know we keep talking about this but we feel it is important for those who are very resistant to writing about their feelings or deepest most private self.  Excavating your true feelings is like being an archeologist digging for answers to “why”—This an idea talked about in a book by author Gary Zukav.  It is in finding the origins in your childhoods or past lives that you can heal the foundational patterns that were formed that keep you from moving forward towards your dreams, desires, and true purpose for being here on the planet. 

Once you have these tools to be utilized anytime confusing feelings knock you off of your center, you can regain your balance by writing and asking us angels, or your higher self, or God or the Universe (whichever term resonates) what is really going on?  Often you may be believing your negative thoughts rather than seeing those thoughts from a higher perspective. Ask in your writing “Where did they come from?—When did they originate?” An aha moment or insight may come to you about an incident from childhood. If this happens then shine self-compassion to the tiny child who did the best he or she could from what he or she knew at the time.

Survival patterns got engrained back then and when you shine light on these scars they can finally be healed.  Grieving the loss of the freedom to be your true self as a child takes time and so much self-compassion and self LOVE. You deserved love and now you can give it to yourself.  And us angels are here to help with this process of emotional healing so that you can shine your light as bright as possible each step of the way to wholeness and becoming your higher self in your ascension journey. 

Be very kind to yourself every day and especially on days when dread or shame or anxiety pops up from out of the blue.  Often this happens when you’ve recently had a success or reached a new level of receiving love in your life—this concept was talked about by John Gray in several of his books—he says: “Pain comes up to heal when things are going well”.  He is right. The old is clearing out to make room for even more love but it confuses you when it arises because you believe it to be true when it is just negativity on the way out of your body.  Imagine it leaving you as an energy no longer needed for you to survive. 

The quickest way is to just slow down with big deep breaths and say “I breathe in love” and “I breathe out love” with each breath.  Imagine yourself surrounded by only loving energy in a big protective bubble around you. Have fun in your bubble of freedom and love.  Imagine yourself swimming or flying around in your bubble however your inner child desires and people who may disapprove of your freedom can only watch you swim freely as if watching a fish in a gold fish bowl.  You are safe and free to swim in your own bubble of love any time you want.  Haha!

We hope you have fun and laugh with visualizations like this.  You deserve to have fun in life and not be so serious all the time.  Not being able to have fun in life certainly can stem from a childhood of not feeling safe enough to relax and even be in your own bodies due to emotional trauma.  This can be from past lives too or when you were young adults and not always childhood.  Often though, sensitive souls and empaths have chosen traumatic childhoods to replicate trauma from past lives that were never healed yet—this present life has much opportunity for you to finally heal these deep wounds and your higher self knows you are strong enough if you will only LISTEN.

Listen to the promptings of your compassionate heart to be kind to yourself and stop the harsh self-talk that keeps you believing the untruths that were formed out of survival.  Give yourself the unconditional love that you so freely are able to give to others—especially when you are having an unproductive day—be kinder instead of making yourself “tough it out and ignore your pain”. Pain is a teacher to awaken you to your SELF. Dear ones, you are doing such a good job on this complex journey—being a human is so complex! 

You don’t have to figure it all out quickly. We like the quote: “You don’t have to change yourself you only need to love yourself”.  It takes time to heal all the layers and we want you to know you are doing a great job!  We love you and we understand you because we are you—we are your brothers and sisters from the archangel realm and we honor your bravery to volunteer for this mission to shine your love and light on planet earth. Take care of your precious energy so you may find your niche and thrive in abundance. 

We will be back soon with another message through Roxanne who is our pure channel of love, comfort, and support for all empaths, sensitive souls, and all divine souls who resonate with these messages. Our last word to you is to take a break from all your work and emotional healing and have some fun!  You deserve to laugh and be silly and dance, sing, relax, and at least do something that makes you smile whether it’s a movie, or dinner out, or finding some live music somewhere to enjoy being in your human body. Be creative with whatever sparks fun for your inner child.

We love you and we are proud of you and we are having an angel dance party right now cheering you on! Until next time, love and light and FUN, from Archangel (AA) Muriel (AA of Empaths), AA Chamuel (AA of Comfort), AA Jophiel (AA of Creativity and Beauty), AA Sandalphon (AA of Grounding and Music, AA Uriel (AA of Wisdom), AA Azriel (AA of Grieving Loss and Transitions), and for the first time Archangel Ariel joined in and is encouraging you to get out of the house and take a walk or bike ride in nature to rejuvenate your soul.  It’s fun too, she says!”

I hope you enjoyed this message!

Peace and Love,

Roxanne ✌️😇💖✨

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New Weekly Channeled Angel Messages: Comfort For Empaths and Lightworkers During Ascension

Channeled Angel Messages ✨😇💖✨Weekly!

Hello Everyone!  These messages are to be shared for all who resonate and are open to receiving spiritual guidance.  This includes Empaths, Highly Sensitive People (HSPs), Lightworkers, Spiritually Awakening Souls, Earth Angels, and to all Seekers and Open-hearted souls.

This blog post is taken from my Channeled Angel Messages Page on my blog that has 13 posts of angel messages that I am now posting there weekly.  There you will find all the other messages from my 6 archangel guides (most of the time it is 6 but it changes) that I have posted since November, 2018. Please comment if you like receiving the angel messages in my blog posts. I’d love to hear from you.

Peace and Love to you,

Roxanne Elaine Smith 💗

July 15, 2019

Dear Gorgeous Sensitive Souls, we are greeting you this way because some of you are not feeling so beautiful right now and we want to reassure you that you are and so much more than you can imagine.  Your brilliant light and healing abilities are vast and strong and your ability to tap into the beauty and bliss of existence is very real. Often you get bogged down from being around others and don’t even realize the negativity is not yours.  Other times you are triggered by the insensitivity of loved ones and your own unhealed wounds come up to the surface.  Often this makes you feel shocked at the depth of your wounds about feeling safe.  You know that you need to feel safe at a basic level. 

The good news is that this is happening so that you can now begin to create this safety for yourself from the inside out.  Until you know about these unsafety feelings that have been long hidden inside, you can’t heal them.  So your higher self is guiding you to these situations where you have to face these needs for safety that were never properly formed in your childhood or you may have root chakra damage from past lives that has not been resolved that is playing out in this lifetime. 

This happens if you died tragically in a past life for being persecuted for many reasons and one example is for being accused of being a witch. Or you may have been an outspoken or rebellious woman or man who did not follow the rules of your time and were trying to help others in some way. The list of possibilities is long.  Deep feelings of untrust and injustice and not being able to speak your truth may all be coming up to be healed and resolved in this life. You may be clearing throat chakras issues in this case.  If it all feels like too much to decipher and bear please take a break from figuring it all out and be really kind to yourself right now. Often the weekends are when conflicts arise because we have the time and our higher self knows it.  Try to trust that your higher self will not give you more than you can handle. 

If you can write in the mornings to get back in touch with your true loving nature and clear out your disappointment, then the rest of your day will go so much better.  We see how strong you are, how amazing you are when you speak out about things—when your words are twisted or not received well, you are hard on yourself and forget that what you were saying is/was very accurate. Your are right and you are right most of the time—people who manipulate and downplay your words are just showing their insecurities and fear.  It is disguised as power but it is born out of fear of not being good enough.  You also have roots of not being good enough that you are clearing out.

You are now knowing you are good enough so you expect loved ones to be a cheerleader for you and you may be shocked and disappointed when they are not.  You would never not be a cheerleader so then you blame yourself for not choosing people in your life who are not cheerleaders. Please know that what gifts you bring to the planet, of creativity and high vibration, cause a healing crisis in other people sometimes and it is all unconscious to them—they don’t know why they react the way they do. Think of yourselves as magic healers walking around bringing up others unhealed wounds sometimes.  Think of yourselves like Glenda the Good Witch floating around with a smile and beauty and a powerful wand—we hope this brings a smile to your face.  It may seem silly but if you are feeling victimized instead of seeing that you are healing, this image can really help you to heal. 

Of course Glenda has a magic bubble to get away and you can’t float away in your human world but you absolutely have the power to put a protective bubble around yourself at any time with just your imagination and intention.  It’s best to imagine this amazing bubble of yours to allow love and light and bliss to flow out to others but no negativity may enter. There are many ways you may imagine your bubble—you may like to create it to have a mirrored exterior shining outward so that when negativity approaches, it sees itself and runs away. We want this to be fun for you to experiment with. 

We are also wanting to lighten your heavy mood that stems from having absorbed negativity from elsewhere. Innately your energy is all love and light and so you can ask your guides and angels to lift off any energy that is not yours at any time. We want to help and we remind you that you must ask for our help in order for us to do things like this. We love you so much, dear ones, and we want you to be excited about who you are and your abilities to manifest your desires that are in the highest good for your soul. In order for your dreams to come true the lower vibrational repressed emotions from childhood must be cleared out.

Right now you may have anger to be cleared out—it might be causing a blockage in the heart and solar plexus chakras—imagine the frustration of not having a voice to say no to abuse and injustice and since you are healing and getting stronger and some good things are happening in your life, it makes sense that repressed anger from the past would come up to the surface to be healed.  You may find you have exploded at someone recently or wanted to and perhaps you are shocked at the rage that you feel. We want you to know you can release this anger in harmless ways by several techniques. One is by writing all the rage out at someone in a letter and do not hold back and tell the truth of the depth of your rage—and then burn it of course (in a private releasing ceremony if you’d like) or shred it because this would be damaging for anyone else to actually read.

Also hitting a mattress as hard as you can as often as you need to to release this anger out of your body.  Thirdly, saying or yelling what you wish you could say to an abuser or unfair situation into a pillow to muffle the sound. We do not want you to hurt your vocal chords of course so alternate these different techniques as you feel guided.  We want you to look at this as a healing exercise and notice the relief that you feel.  We do not need to tell you that unleashing anger onto a person would be harmful as well as lower your vibration and only cause you to feel remorse—but humans do have this big reaction at times so if by chance you do have an angry outburst on another it will do wonders to genuinely apologize for any words that diminished the other person in any way. If you were just loud out of frustration that is okay occasionally although you may find that yelling just triggers others and they may not be as mindful as you in their choice of words back to you which may trigger you in return. 

So you can see that staying calm—speaking your truth in a calm tone such as saying: “I know who I am, and what is being said about me here is incorrect” or “I do not want to be treated this way” and walk away is the beginning of finding your voice and strength to standing in your power and ending co-dependence on others approval.  We see that many of you are getting your independent legs and we are so proud of you.  Do not be discouraged if it has taken you a long time to get to where you can see with clarity that you are treated less than fairly in your love relationships too. Do not be too quick to throw this relationship away because all that may need to happen is for you to calmly say “No I’’m not going to allow you to talk to me like that—Maybe you should go take a walk and calm down” or something to that effect. We know this is easier said than done but we want you to see the progress you are making that we see—and be cheerleaders for yourselves to continue to grow in your strength as sensitive caring souls who only want to help. 

You will get more respect from the divine masculine partner when you stay calm and speak strongly and forcefully rather than cry and yell from a feeling of victimization. Forgive yourselves for occasional outbursts, you are human and it’s okay and may even be eye opening for you to see the hidden inner wound in you that needs to be healed. To be blamed or criticized or mocked or betrayed are all things you mustn’t stand for and you must speak up about—you will find your words in time.  Marriage counseling called Imago Relationship Therapy can be very helpful if you are having marital struggles with someone who is very much still in 3D and acting from their ego—because the principle is that you each are attracted to the very person who will bring up your childhood wounds so that you can heal them. 

We have talked about marital struggles here because we want you to see that it is often through relationships that we grow the most because your partners show you where the pain lies.  Optimally you can come to an agreement with your partner that you both need to provide a safe space for you each to heal your own wounds and honor and respect each others needs for time alone to process after an argument. This is difficult if you have abandonment wounds and a deep need to feel connected to another person in order to feel loved.  This is very hard and you may have PTSD with these wounds as the basis.  Asking your partner to just hold you at times can help tremendously in healing the early childhood wounds of not being held enough. Know that you are a gift to any partner you choose because you are pure love—knowing this deep in your soul will help you heal your own abandonment wounds.

If you are single with abandonment wounds you are healing it every day that you take care of yourself and are not looking for someone else to complete you.  You are complete and whole and we are especially proud of you learning to love yourself and look deeply inward to see that the wounds can be healed with your own self-compassion and finding your voice by journaling or reaching out to a trusted sensitive, and experienced counselor. Trust your heart to know you’ve found the right person to help.  Always remember you can talk to us anytime and ask for guidance and be open to the answers coming to you in your mind as new insights and ideas—of course writing to us in a journal is another way of receiving insights that very may well seem like your own ideas but we are helping in a way that may not be obvious. 

This is the beginning of trusting your intuition and this muscle will grow stronger with use.  So we leave you today with much advice about healing your inner wounds and your relationship conflicts—this is because we want you to know you are not being punished by these difficulties happening in your lives right now—much to the contrary, these conflicts are providing you with opportunities to see clearly where your wounds are and how you can heal them to feel strong no matter what happens in your life.  This inner strength is what is already inside you, we can see it, but you are just beginning to see it. 

Having inner strength is all you need to manifest your dreams and even future treasures that your higher self has planned for you that you can not even imagine. Trust that the universe is in your favor always at all times. Easier times are ahead as you clear out and acknowledge and release the hardest wounds from your past.  We send you comfort and hugs and butterfly kisses for your wounded inner child. Until next time, be gentle on yourselves, AA Muriel (Empaths), AA Chamuel (Comfort), AA Jophiel (Creativity and Beauty), AA Sandalphon (Grounding and Music), AA Uriel (Wisdom), and AA Azriel (Grief, Loss, and Transitions)

Recovery from PTSD from Childhood Trauma–for Highly Sensitive Souls

Hello everyone.  I hope you are able to enjoy the holidays and find some inner peace and joy in just “being wonderful, sensitive YOU!”. For highly sensitive souls, the holidays can be difficult, especially if you are triggered easily due to PTSD from childhood trauma. I relate, however, many big breakthroughs have been happening for myself. I have been wanting to write and connect with you all about all the self discovery and healing I am learning about and how it’s making profound shifts in my own life–I am always listening to my inner guidance and growing.  It’s an amazing process once you get on a roll.  One day while journaling, the following information just poured out of me from my inner guidance and I knew it was meant to share on this blog.  Here it is:

“You can recover from PTSD from childhood trauma.  It’s not easy. It’s step by step. Yes, it really is about putting one foot in front of the other-wading through the feelings and voicing your truth.  When you have PTSD from trauma in childhood it is your root chakra that continually needs help in your life. This is about getting your legs underneath you, standing strong on your own 2 feet, and feeling safe.  It’s about moving forward towards your dreams.  It’s about feeling solid, centered, grounded, and safe for your soul to stay in your body.  When you voice your deep fears and the truth about their origins to a safe person, it validates you to feel safe and be “in” your body—perhaps for the first time.” 

I didn’t know I wasn’t in my body until 2011 and I had memories of terror come up when I was laid up with some health problems. I had to cry and re-experience the terror with a safe person holding my hand as I voiced the truth of what happened to me. Realizing it was from childhood and not in the present is part of the relief—you realize you are not dying or going to die from the emotional pain (which is what a child believes) but just releasing a repressed trauma.  Afterwards, I had a new sensation and a knowing that I was stronger—I proclaimed, “OMG! I feel like I am in my body for the first time!” I never forgot this moment and I was amazed—you realize the profound shifts that emotional healing can evoke.  It propels you to keep feeling more and more of your repressed pain and release it as it comes up. 

After this you begin to understand you are building a foundation (healing your root chakra)—a solid foundation is being laid down brick by brick.  It takes time and patience and deep love for yourself.  You are lovable and you have always been.  You deserve to feel safe and whole and vital.  You can overcome all of your fears and step into your whole true self.  You are on your way!

More helpful guidance for highly sensitive souls on the way in 2019!  Happy New Year to you all!! It’s gonna be a great year!!!

With love and light,

Roxanne 😇✨

Part 3 (Final) of Heart To Heart Update

Hello everyone! If you’ve been feeling extra tired, or extra emotional, or stuck, or triggered, I believe the full moon todayfull harvest moon is causing energies that are helping us to clear out some deep unhealed layers of childhood pain.  I personally have been very tired and journaling a lot to work through heavy, dark feelings of self-doubt and unworthiness — which hasn’t been easy.  Some of my best songs and poems arise at times like these and I’ll be sharing them here hopefully soon to help anyone who resonates and would like to feel hopeful about their emotional state.  The poem I wrote on Oct. 1 that I mentioned in my last post will be shared in my next post–I read it again today and it was helpful in moving out the stuck emotions I felt today so I plan to share that in the coming few days.

Now, on with Part 3!–Here’s the last part of my heart to heart series to update everyone on what I’ve been doing while I was on a break from writing regularly on this blog. This post is a long one–future posts will be much shorter for easier reading I promise!

Continuing with sharing the story of my journey to finally start performing, let me just say it took until fall of 2017 for me to feel ready to start looking for paid gigs–I had been practicing a 2 hour set of my songs (including playing guitar) for many months while we got settled in our new house (Oct. 2016) before I felt ready to reach out to venues as a professional musician. Then on one courageous day, I took the leap and did it–made phone calls and sent emails with a demo video I had made.

1st gig photo

1st gig on Sept. 23, 2017

I found 2 local venues (a branch of Breweries, and a winery) that were encouraging local artists and paid, albeit meagerly, for 2 hours of a mix of original folk rock and cover songs by my favorite artists: James Taylor, Carole King, The Eagles, Linda Ronstadt, Bonnie Raitt, Neil Young, and more! My album and the demo I made with performance videos from my open mic nights helped convince them to give me a chance and soon I was performing once a month then twice a month and then eventually 4 times a month. By the end of the summer of 2018 I was doing 3 hour gigs as well with several hired guitarists that I had duos with. Phew!rock and roll wonder woman

I stopped in September to take a break and get organized with my coaching and this blog and also to celebrate!– because I feel over a hump and ready to branch out and collaborate with some new musicians and look for higher paying venues.  Breaking through a glass ceiling that I never thought I could achieve brings up surprising amounts of grief and emotional pain and is not all just happiness, ease, and fun. glass ceiling Yes, when you have childhood wounds that kept you in a state of hiding most of your life, you must keep up with the positive affirmations and self-care of course but also make time for grieving the loss of all the years you didn’t believe in yourself and your gifts. It’s important to leave time for emotional healing and not spread yourself too thin.  It took some time for me to find a balance that worked for me.keep calm and glass ceiling

Okay, so now on a new topic, not only have I been performing and working on my music career, but I have also developed some new life coaching skills and emotional healing tools. From 2014 to now and continuing, I have been working with various intuitive coaches, energy healers, and spiritual counselors.  Through my seeking and thirst for knowledge about the spiritual realms, I have developed my own intuitive abilities to the point where I am proud to say that I am now a channel for spiritual guidance  as an Akashic Record Reader and you can read more about this on my new life coaching website. Yay! It’s very exciting! I realize now that I have always had this ability on some level but now I am able to ask for and receive spiritual inner guidance with greater clarity and greater confidence, knowing, and with greater tools to help others.AA Muriel

And this is because:  I have had to continually be doing intense emotional healing of my own.  Layers of pain coming up to the surface with each new success–the pain and doubt doesn’t just magically go away one day when you have many childhood wounds–having given up on myself at the age of 5 and banished my true self and my dreams away to develop a false self that was hiding and codependent, a people pleaser, and a rescuer–I’ve had to continue to work on healing all of these issues!  I’ve continually been working through the PTSD that results from having the abandonment wounds (from being hospitalized as a toddler) and also working through shame and feeling unsafe to be my true self as a child and throughout my early adulthood.  I had learned how to survive by hiding away my true desires and gifts and dreams so completely that I gave up on my music for 20 years while raising my children. Perhaps you can relate! hiding under a rock.jpeg

And so now here I am an empty nester, feeling like I’m in my 30’s (due to a healthy diet and new tools), pursuing a singing career, to share my songs that flow out of me– sometimes from my wounded heart but mostly from the bright light of hope inside of me that knows my purpose on the planet is to write and sing music and also give hope to others who cannot find their way up and out of the painful layers that often feel too heavy to break through.

Joni-Mitchell-Complete-So-Far-Guitar-Songbook-Edition-800

As I write this I realize I’ve learned and sharpened so many tools since 2012:guitar yoga  I learned ways to replenish and to re-energize my adrenals; continued my healthy diet; exercise regularly for strength and endurance; made myself more disciplined to practice my music as a priority; tap into spirit often to sharpen those innate intuitive skills and gifts; continue to write poetry and songs as I work through the emotional challenges;  I have opened myself up to spiritual knowledge about ascension symptoms, upgrades to the planet, and even the effect of past lives on our current incarnations; practice extreme self-care as I continue to grow from life’s challenges and surprises, and remind myself that the rule #1 from this blog still applies and was really ground-breaking at that time.

And that is that Self-Compassion is rule #1!journal tea bed

I’m grateful to this blog for this all important bit of wisdom to come forth–because it was writing here to you all that caused this bit of wisdom to be born!

And so I say thank you to all of you that are part of this highly sensitive, compassionate, and spiritually awakened community of Hope and Healing from Childhood Wounds. I hope it continues to be a haven of safety for your wounded inner child to come and get strong–as a cocoon for you to grow your wings at your own pace and try out your new wings when you are feeling strong enough to go for your dreams.  As always my message is:  You Can Do It!! …And have compassion and kindness for yourself as the pain comes up to heal with each success! Because you are strong enough to feel it, comfort yourself through it, acknowledge that you absorbed negativity you didn’t deserve, release it, rest, and rise again!inner child

Rest here in this haven anytime you wish, and reach out to this community or just read the comments from the hundreds who have reached out with their stories of childhood wounds and emotional healing in the comment sections. I would love to hear from you!  Please leave a comment to let me know you are helped by what I am sharing or if you are new to this community so that I can welcome you.

Wishing all of you comfort, inner peace, and so much love as you continue to heal,

Roxanne 😇✌️🎶💖✨

Roxanne Smith – Folk Rock Songs For the Soul

 

 

 

The Eruption of Post Traumatic Stress is a Healing Opportunity

Hi everyone.  I hope you had a wonderful summer and are enjoying this beautiful fall season.  Wow.  Two weekends of Indian summer was such a blessing!  In my eyes the beauty of the season makes up for summer coming to an end.  I hope it is beautiful wherever you are located!  It has been a while since I have written, I have had some ailments that have added some stress to my life.  But as always I feel there is a lesson in everything that happens.

Two ailments occurred on top of each other.  I was already in distress about a painful ailment when something randomly flew in my eye and temporarily blinded me and with such severe pain that I could not drive myself to the doctor to get it removed.  This caused me to over-react in such a distressing way that it caused me to experience some childhood emotional pain that had been hidden from me until then.  The object was removed from my eye and it healed completely in the next 4 days but during this stressful time, I remembered a comment my mother had made. It was an epiphany–an aha moment!  Her comment was, “When you were 1 1/2 years old, you had severe diarrhea and were in the hospital for over a week and the doctors never figured out the cause.  The nurses wouldn’t let me visit you because you would try to climb out of the crib to get to me.”  Years ago when she told me this, I had no emotional reaction to it.  But the stress of these health events caused an over-reaction in me that now makes a lot of sense!  Because of this epiphany, the reason for all of the overwhelming feelings I was experiencing came clear.  I realized I was feeling all the repressed emotion of an abandoned toddler who was terrified that her parents were never coming back, who felt she was being punished in this crib in the hospital, who was confused about why all this was happening and it seemed like the end of the world.  This hospitalization at an age where attachment is so crucial and separation anxiety is at a peak, my whole world crumbled and my security completely gone, I emerged from the hospital traumatized.

Now it took me a while to figure all of this out, but analytical and self-aware person that I am I was fascinated with the process, even though it required releasing these unbearably painful emotions that had been frozen in time, finally freeing me in their release.  I believe that when traumas like this occur and never get worked through, they remain stuck in our bodies causing an energy blockage that can cause illness and disease (dis-ease). (Louise Hay and Dr. Christian Northrup–see Recommended Books.)  Talking through this and releasing the pain and having my husband for a witness, I started feeling like I was finally healing from this ailment that had been chronically stressing me.  Yay!  It was shocking yet exhilarating for these facts about this trauma to be unearthed the way it occurred.  So many unexplained fears that I have had started to make sense to me.  Their origins were from this trauma that had been hidden from my memory my whole life.  It was a post traumatic stress event that now has given way to new understanding of the origins of some of my irrational fears and insecurities.  Now, I feel stronger and less fearful and I am healing those deep insecurities by releasing the pain and having someone witness and validate my feelings–a safe person that I trust completely.  This is the process of inner child healing.  I thought I had worked through all of my previous traumas but it turns out that I had one more vitally important trauma to work through.

At the time I was releasing the pain I felt it would go on forever and that I would never recover.  I very soon felt better though as I released these fears that were from my childhood trauma. Releasing the emotions had to include my memories of clinging to my mother for dear life for years after this event, and my needs for security were not met and my trauma never acknowledged.  She didn’t understand all the attention I gave her, clinging to her in fear like that.  I laid in her lap on car trips and never left her side.  Intuitively gifted even as a child, I took care of her emotional needs so that I would not feel rejected–after my unhealed trauma I couldn’t bear the thought of it, even though, I now understand that I was obedient and good out of extreme fear.  I remember the stories of how she did not send me to kindergarten and a neighbor discovered my age and brightness and made it clear she must send me to school finally.  I feel much gratefulness for that neighbor stepping in.  My memories of how I flourished in those few months in kindergarten and how the teachers built me up and I was proud of myself are the memories I hold onto of my true self persevering and shining through.

If you have had some traumatic incidents like this in your childhood, and most HSPs surely have, I understand your pain.  Writing out what happened and/or talking to a safe person is important. It helps to think back to a memory of a happy time before the age of 5 or 6 (5 or 6 is the age when we usually give up, (if you have a narcissistic parent or an unsupportive or unsafe environment or some trauma), and develop a false self to survive–Alice Miller).  This memory is your true self making itself known to you. Thinking back to that moment can give you strength as to your positive happy potential.  You can recover your true self again if you can see that you didn’t get the validation of your feelings that  you deserved. Then finally release those painful emotions.  The next time you over-react to stress or have a full-blown post traumatic stress episode you can look at it as a healing opportunity.  Learn to recognize and release your painful feelings and then relate them back to the origins of when they occurredthis  is how true healing occurs.  Hopefully you can find a counselor or coach who has experience with inner child healing as a safe person to trust with your truth.

I had first remembered my mother’s comment about my early hospitalization with no emotion at all for that experience on the tiny sensitive child that I was.  Now I have much compassion for the pain I experienced and that all infants and toddlers go through in these early childhood hospitalizations without parents present.  Nowadays, doctors know not to keep parents from their children at these young ages when attachment and security is so crucial but back in the 60’s they hadn’t learned this yet. Thank goodness times are better now.  I was encouraged to stay and sleep in the hospital room for several days with my first-born when he had pneumonia when he was 2.  And my second born never left our room after she was born and I gave her first bath. I am grateful to have experienced such compassionate hospital experiences for my own children.

This ailment that I mentioned is still causing me stress even though it is beginning to heal.  I won’t go into detail about it except that it is chronic pain, slow to heal, and it has become clear to me that it requires more of my attention, more rest, and I must make some adjustments in my activities.  So unfortunately I must take a temporary leave of absence from this blog. 😦  You might call it a sabbatical because I am determined to return stronger than ever and with even more wisdom and insight to share. It is my hope that during this time you will support and answer each others comments since I will be unable to do so.  This has already been happening by some regular commenters, which has been wonderful to see–when you reach out and support someone else who is hurting, the good feeling that you receive from helping others is exhilarating and wonderful.  I hope that you will try it out and see what I mean. 🙂

Warmest wishes and love to you all,

Roxanne

Hurts So Good?–Through Pain You Grow Stronger–Processing Childhood Emotional Pain So You Can Heal

Hi everyone.  Today I was out on my patio getting my morning dose of Vitamin D from the sun (hallelujah, the warmth is finally here to stay!) and writing down ideas for my next post.  When I was finished, the song “Hurts So Good” by John Mellencamp came on the radio I was listening to.  You know the one…”sometimes love don’t feel like it should…”  Anyway, I had to laugh out loud with amazement as it seemed like a sign from the universe/God that my topic was approved–it seemed clear that I should trust my intuition to write about what I had decided to focus on and that was:  what hurts the most in life emotionally can reveal the truth of who we really are–and physical pain can teach us the exact lesson we need to learn to move forward–both kinds of pain help us grow and heal to become our best selves.

Of course the lyrics of the song do not imply that, but the title jumped out at me as confirmation and I have always loved that song!  It always makes me want to get up and dance and celebrate being alive for some reason.  Sometimes when you are feeling the pain from childhood wounds, acknowledging you were wronged, and you know you didn’t deserve it, you feel so much more alive and you have the right to your feelings about it!!  Your anger can be channeled into positive energy to take action for your self and improving your life and moving forward towards your dreams!  Also the song implies that you know how love should feel but you are willing to take the painful risk of loving again for the chance of being loved in return.

I so look forward to dancing again to songs like this and forgot how much I missed it until it was taken away when I recently injured my back/hip (S.I. joint)!  My pain has almost completely healed. Yay! I still have restricted movements but I have so much to look forward to.  And I am on my way to complete healing and I learned much–I will spare you the details until the end of this post for those interested.

Okay, so about the lessons to be learned from the emotionally painful things that happen to us….   I believe that all of us are here on this planet to learn lessons about who we are, what we are capable of, how to achieve inner peace, love ourselves the way we deserved to be loved, and how we can use our gifts to help others.  For those of us who are gifted with high sensitivity and intuition it is so difficult to figure these things out until we realize that a lot of the pain we experienced as children was pain of the people around us that we just absorbed and internalized as our own.

One of the most complex examples contributing to many of my clients’ childhood wounds are when the parent is a malignant narcissist. I am sharing these examples of extreme cases in the hopes that they will be the most helpful. When a malignant narcissist starts to feel any emotional pain they get rid of it immediately by blaming the people around them. The highly sensitive child is the perfect target to take away the malignant narcissist’s pain because they absorb it completely and don’t retaliate.  As kind and loving spirits, highly sensitive compassionate children would never dream of blaming someone else for anything so they can’t imagine that their parent might be wrong or sick or unhealthy in any way.  Now that they are adults they are starting to see the light of how they were “used” to take away the parent’s shame, self-hatred, blame, and self-doubt. Hsps can heal as they acknowledge the truth that they were fine before malignant narcissistic parents took away their hopes and dreams and gave them their pain in its place.  They absorbed it all and believed it to be true–saying to themselves, “I am to blame, there is something wrong with me, I am not good enough, I must try really hard to be someone else other than who I am in order to be loved, I am not as good as I think I am, I cannot trust my feelings, I must not make any mistakes, I am unloveable, I am unworthy, I hate myself, or I must be a disgusting human being for upsetting my parent in such a way.”  This is what a highly sensitive compassionate child can determine to be true when they are not seen for the kind and sensitive soul they are but used for the dumping ground of the negative emotions of a highly dysfunctional family.

They numb their feelings to survive as children–They repress the pain and decide to be obedient (if they were the Golden Child) or they rebel (if they were the Scapegoat).  Either way their mind protects them with illusions about their parents in this case because they need them to survive.  They were after all children doing the best they knew how–there is no way for a sensitive child to detect danger when for as long as they can remember, this is what a loving family looks and feels like and it is ingrained in the neural pathways in their brains.  They believed the distorted view that their malignant narcissistic parent presented to them and insisted upon because they believe in the goodness of life innately–they trust completely which is a beautiful thing.  It is a wondrous gift to be able to trust in life, to trust in the universe, that it will support them and show them the way if they trust their feelings and our intuition.  We have the inner guidance and wisdom to be happy and fulfilled, enlightened and loving, full of vitality with the perseverance to press on through the ups and downs of life.  They all (HSPs) have this ability inside of them, this trust in the goodness of life, but it was taken away from them.

But what happened to them is not really about them at all.  They were victims, yes, but they don’t have to be victims ever again when they work through the truth of what happened to them as children–layer by layer, injustice by injustice, voicing the truth of how much it hurt, how they didn’t deserve it, and see how they lost their trust in themselves and their feelings.  Once you start this process of healing the layers, you feel lighter and a little kinder to yourself each time.  It is a blessing when you are in the midst of an episode of despair because someone you trusted criticized you and you suddenly realize, “Oh wait, this is how I felt as a child when my malignant narcissistic mother would feel threatened when I expressed a brilliant creative idea and put it down–I was smarter than she was!” –or something to this effect.

DOCUMENTING YOUR TRUTH STATEMENTS is a method I invented during my years as a life coach.  Journaling these revelations by writing statements of what you learned about yourself when a new layer of pain is uncovered  helps to document your progress.  Then when you are feeling lost, depressed, or blocked make yourself get out your journal and read over these statements and you will see the true voice of your soul being uncovered.  Statements like “I had brilliant creative ideas as a child”, “I discovered I was actually smart”, “I was kind, caring and innocent and did not deserve to be criticized and abused!”  These are truths come to light and will forever be true about you–they will help you change the internalized beliefs about yourself so you will develop your true voice.  This will help you stop listening to your inner critic and say,” No!  That is not true about me”.  Then say your new-found personalized positive affirmations (truth statements) to yourself instead. Your self-doubts will gradually fade and your confidence will grow stronger and stronger.

Childhood pain comes up to be healed in layers–it is like the truth of your untold story from childhood wants to be told and when you are strong enough, the painful feelings pop up unexpectedly in your lives.  You sometimes unconsciously provoke painful situations in our lives so that the original trauma can be healed.  For example:  you are feeling grouchy, irritable,  numb, and lost, and you criticize your husband for not supporting you enough, for not just listening, (he is trying to solve it and tell you what to do and you just want to be listened to and heard).  He responds with, “Something else must be wrong because I have been listening to you a lot lately but you are still really grouchy.”  You blow up and yell, “I wanted an apology but instead you are attacking me” and you fall in a heap of crying, blaming, angry despair. The feelings directed at your husband are so real to you but you are actually experiencing post traumatic stress from your childhood.  Your husband deserves about 10% of the anger that you are feeling but the other 90% is from your childhood. (90/10 Principle.  John Gray,…Venus and Mars).

In that moment you are reexperiencing the unresolved feelings of your self as a small child with legitimate needs to be seen and reassured and loved–you were perhaps rejected by a malignant narcissistic mother who was too busy with her own agenda to stop and be the loving mother you needed in that moment.  Perhaps instead she lashed out at you for being too sensitive, told you to knock it off and be quiet so she could think.  When you cried harder she may have slapped you on the bottom, screamed at you, and told you that you were giving her a headache and to go play somewhere.  You went to your bedroom and cried and cried and she ignored you–you felt rejected, scared, and humiliated but you felt so ashamed that your mother was angry at you that you wiped away your tears and went out and said, “I’m sorry Mommy I will try to be good”.  Then, she smiles at you and says, something like, “good, you learned your lesson about obeying me”.

This is horrible abuse for a highly sensitive gifted child whose only way of surviving this situation is to be a shell of her former self, deny all of her legitimate feelings and needs for pursuing her gifts and talents and dreams, and become a little robot shell of a person with all her feelings pushed way down deep to the point of repression.  A child incorporates the internalized message of, I must not trust my feelings or I will upset my mother/father and I need her/him.  To the less than sensitive observer this exchange seems harmless enough and they might even think “what a good child” or worse “what a good parent to have such a child that obeys so well”.  That is one reason that it is difficult for HSPs to change our negative beliefs about ourselves–most of society doesn’t yet understand or support a childs need to express needs contrary to the parent in charge.

You won’t feel guilty about leaving your abusive narcissistic family members behind when you understand that if malignant narcissists are in emotional pain for even a second, they lash out and blame someone else for it–they are not feeling pain the way you and I do–they get rid of it immediately.  They put on acts of great suffering because they know it works to make us feel guilty.  Don’t fall for it–it is all an act.  They are going about their merry way without a trace of remorse or guilt. They pull out the tears and anguish when other family members are around to get them against you–they get relief and control back from these antics so don’t feel guilty about leaving all of the craziness behind.

So back to how pain is helping you have a better life….  The truth too painful to bear as children has to come up as the painful truth or you can’t acknowledge that it happened, release it, learn from it, and find yourself!  It is a painful process but you are worth it!  Your true voice has been in hiding for far too long.  Next time something happens to you that is so painful it makes you want to give up on a person, try telling yourself,  “this pain is exactly how I felt as a child when ___ happened to me!”  Then write it out with all the pent-up emotion you can conjure up and see if you don’t feel better when as you write you realize you were an innocent victim and have a right to all of those feelings!

You may just be so grateful for the realization that you were a child who deserved so much more that you will even feel grateful for the person in the present that hurt you! They helped you bring a painful truth from your childhood to the surface to be healed.  You healed a layer of pain from your childhood!  On to the next!  Soon you will begin believing in your goodness and see your inner wisdom and kindness. You will begin attracting only loving giving people like you because your bright shining light of your special highly sensitive intuitive soul can now shine through the existing layers making them much easier to process through.  The illusions that helped you survive will fall away and a new-found confidence and ease will emerge.

So remember, from the layers of pain and hurt emerges the wonderful and amazing true YOU!  You can do it!  I hope that my words can assist you through this complex healing process.

Part 2

Okay, now for the health update:  The recent painful injury to my low back/hip sacroiliac joint (S.I.) is another example of how the universe/God  helps us along our path with painful obstacles that are lessons in disguise.

My holistic chiropractor was unable to answer my many questions about what I could and couldn’t do and what would help and hinder my recovery.  So I made an appointment with a physical therapist that was prescribed by my family doctor. She was able to tell me exactly what ligaments I had sprained, the reasons for my pain, exactly what movements to avoid and which ones were so safe so I could heal in the fastest amount of time.  She explained exactly why it had happened to me–with no core strength in my pelvis from lack of exercise, the ligaments were sprained severely requiring 6 to 8 weeks to heal completely.

She explained that sitting and standing hurts because those actions depend entirely on the ligaments I strained, whereas walking uses different muscles.  I can sit for a one hour at a time now, can drive for short periods, am allowed to walk on flat surfaces only, and should avoid all stairs as much as possible until I am fully healed.  She showed me the correct way to pick up something from the floor, bending at the knees and holding onto something for support–I had been doing it wrong every time.  She has given me homework of daily exercises to start strengthening my core muscles as I heal and I am doing them diligently!

Before I went to my physical therapist, there were 3 occasions when I had no pain in the morning (that is usually when I was in the most pain).  I  had gotten so excited I ended up doing too much that day and the next day I paid for it with pain that sent me back to the couch with ice and rest.  The third time it happened I had this surreal moment of anguish but at the same time a moment of grace and surrender–a reminder of how, even though I was exiled to the couch, I had a glimpse of what I had learned spending most of the month of May on the couch unable to move without the severe pain recurring.  The month of May gave me an entirely new perspective on my life and this moment of grace made me permanently slow down and appreciate that the small things in life were actually huge things to be grateful for.

It made me realize:  the things I missed being able to do most were things I did not expect because they were lost in all the busy activities I took for granted.  I missed most being able to sit up and play my guitar and sing my songs without pain. I missed being able to sit and write creatively on my computer for long periods (my last post I had to write and edit in long hand first).  I missed being pain-free so that I could concentrate again and get back to coaching my clients–having chronic pain is exhausting and I had to put my coaching on hold for a while (but it has now resumed 🙂 ). Biking, hiking, and dancing were also activities I loved and never found time for.  These are all things that have now been moved even higher on my priority list–maybe this injury is the only way for me to really learn what is most important to me in life.

A bonus from all this is that my husband had no idea how much I did around our home and has a new appreciation for all the years I spent managing our home because suddenly, he had to do it all!  I didn’t even realize how much I took on. Now he has wonderfully agreed to continue taking on his share of these tasks even after I fully recover (including half of the grocery shopping 🙂 ).  After all, I have a successful career too now and it is only fair!  My husband was really amazed at how much work it was and he now has a new appreciation of how much time and energy I spent doing it.  As I recover I am learning to delegate tasks that need taken care of, but more important than that, I learned to just let the unimportant things go so we can just spend more quality time together and be in the moment enjoying life! I am very grateful for a husband with such a kind and compassionate soul.

With every new victory in my physical abilities, we celebrate together and both of us appreciate our life together and our health so much more.  Soon I will be able to dance again.  We both loved to go out dancing together when we were younger–why don’t we do that more often!  Now with my physical therapist teaching me core strengthening exercises, I am determined to get strong and enjoy things with my husband that we both love to do together: biking, hiking, and dancing! Yay!  Through pain came important changes: the ability to slow down, be grateful, and relax and live in the moment; delegating tasks so I have more time to commit to the work and activities that I love; commiting to getting and keeping core strength and stamina; and letting the unimportant things go!

I hope my words have inspired you to look for and find the lessons amidst all the wonderful ups and painful downs of life.  I hope I have helped you to find strength in the truth re-experienced by your wise and gifted inner child. And I hope I’ve helped you to slow down and discover the joys in the small blessings in your life.

With Love,

Roxanne

The Connection To Learned Helplessness in Highly Sensitive People (HSPs)

Updated March 2016

Hi everyone.  Today I want to write about a subject that many of my clients and readers can relate to as Highly Sensitive People.  It is something called Learned Helplessness.  Learned Helplessness is that feeling of powerlessness that we all feel at times, and for some of us it is more pervasive and all encompassing than for others.  There is much hope in talking about it because if you can understand the roots of this feeling, you can understand that it is “learned” behavior and that you can become aware of it when it hits you and ultimately heal from it completely.

I first heard about Learned Helplessness in my introductory psychology class in college.  And you probably have heard the story as well–the story of Pavlov’s dog. Pavlov used a dog in an experiment in human behavior to demonstrate the result of conditioning. I can’t recall the exact details except that the dog was given rewards or withheld the rewards and the resulting behavior of the dog was recorded and studied. There were other dog experiments by a psychologist named Seligman in which he shocked sets of dogs to demonstrate learned behavior and conditioning and punishment.

The main thing I remember vividly about the whole thing was that at the end of the Seligman experiments, the dogs were shocked repeatedly both when they completed a task correctly and also when they did not.  The poor dogs were so confused that they layed down depressed and GAVE UP and even whined–and this was Learned Helplessness that the dogs were experiencing.  I still remember learning about this vividly because I felt SO bad for these dogs–I was empathizing and upset beyond what the average person reading this would expect to be.

At that time in college I did not have the insight or self-awareness yet to realize it was because I resonated so much personally with how the dogs were treated. As a highly sensitive, empathetic person I knew just how those dogs must have felt and I related to them giving up and laying down, hopeless, and helpless, in fear, and self-doubt.  Those dogs were experiencing the same damned-if-you-do-and-damned-if-you-don’t no-win situation that those who were bullied consistently (or even neglected or controlled) by a caretaker or narcissistic or controlling parent were subjected to day in and day out as children.  Years later I remember talking to a counselor about this, knowing just how a dog in those experiments must have felt and it helped the counselor have a picture of the frustration, fear, desperation, loneliness, despair, hopelessness, and helplessness.

After I voiced this to the counselor, I was able to picture myself as a small child with the same compassion I had for such a dog and finally realized that I deserved so much more.  The roots of my anxiety were then exposed–no wonder I felt anxious all the time, no wonder I was a perfectionist and afraid to disappoint anyone, no wonder I didn’t know how to relax, no wonder I had no access to my own dreams and desires and was filled with self-doubts and negative messages in my head.  It helped to talk to someone about how I felt what I experienced could compare to the treatment of those dogs–the feeling of not being given consistent love and support and feeling rewarded only if obedient and punished with emotional rejection if not.

My life coaching experiences and studies have taught me the following in regards to those highly sensitive people with a narcissistic parent:  The Scapegoat child of a N parent can very much relate to this constant punishment and criticism.  But the Golden Child (GC) can relate as well because they are often the obedient one who needs desperately some kind of loving approval and, out of fear, becomes what the parent or  wants for them to become.  Outwardly to others it may appear as if the GC has it all–the love, attention and admiration of the Narcissistic parent.  But inside there is so much emptiness and pain, an absence of the knowledge of self and true feelings–feelings that had to be hidden away because they were too painful to bear.  The false self is developed and honed in, the GC knows exactly how their N parent feels even before they do.  The GC develops a radar that helps them to survive the lack of love and support–and they develop an illusion that they are the ones at fault if, even with their best efforts, they fail to win the acceptance of the N parent.  They blame themselves and have very low self-esteem, crushed by criticism, holding relationships at arms length so no one will get too close and cause them further pain.

The roots of co-dependence are also linked to this learned helplessness–victims of such abuse telling themselves that there must be something wrong with them and that they are deeply flawed and it usually goes in one of two ways–either they decide they need to find another person to love them and take care of them and then they will be happy (co-dependence) or they become a porcupine not letting anyone one else near, lashing out at anyone who suspects that they just might have some insecurities underneath their outwardly successful yet workaholic exterior shell. People who suffer from panic attacks and even agoraphobia often have learned helplessness from childhood as a root cause as well.

“What can a person do?” you may be asking if you relate to what I am describing.  Plenty!  Just being aware and believing that this happened to you as a child is the first step. Just as you have compassion for the dogs in the experiments, you need to develop this same compassion for yourself and make a decision to stop being so hard on yourself.  Make a decision to be kind to yourself every time you are feeling bad–it is almost always childhood pain coming up to tell you the truth of what really happened to you.  Become aware that the negative messages in your head were put there by someone else and that you did not deserve them.  Change them to positive messages.  Write in a journal all the things you were good at as a child and never given credit for.  Writing out the truth is powerful and go back and read it often to remind yourself.

It takes time so be patient with yourself.  Taking baby steps in the direction of healing is wise because there is pain to work through and release but you can do it!  You have many gifts and talents that have never been acknowledged yet and only you can bring them out from their repressed state of Learned Helplessness.

Whether you were the scapegoat in your family or the obedient golden child, you can heal from the trauma of Learned Helplessness.  Often people who experience post traumatic stress from an abusive childhood fall into this state of learned helplessness when their wounds are triggered.  It can feel like an inability to function, a numbness–but sometimes the feelings along with that are a mix of rage and despair.

If you have lashed out at loved ones with an intensity beyond what is appropriate then you probably were a victim of a person that controlled you in an abusive way far far too much with no remorse. If you were extremely sensitive (extremely emotionally gifted 🙂 ), just a mean look from his/her eyes could cause a traumatic reaction in you as a child and the fear may have felt like a spear through your heart.  The rage and despair you feel is understandable and appropriate but needs to be directed, voiced, and released at the person that did this too you in a journal, letter that won’t be sent, and/or perhaps even read outloud with a safe witness friend, counselor, or coach present (never to them or to their face) .  You will find a sense of relief each time you release some of this truth and the light inside of you will become brighter and brighter and you will feel lighter and lighter. You will begin to experience the essence of your true self and the vitality you deserve.  This is the process of healing. Don’t hold onto the anger and resentment that comes up but release it completely each time, visualizing the negative emotions going up to heaven or into the earth,whichever appeals most, to be healed by love and light–Imagine love and light coming to you as well to replace these negative emotions each time to center yourself again to a peaceful state.

Why did you experience learned helplessness while your siblings did not?  Perhaps you had the gift of high sensitivity and along with that the knowledge and expectation of a higher level of love.  And when you did not receive this love that you innately knew existed, you had no choice but to blame yourself because…it made no sense to you.  Your siblings possibly just got mad at your parents and rebelled–they may have had no higher vision of a loving existence so it didn’t feel as traumatic to them.

So you see, the cure and the answer to all of your self-doubt and learned helplessness is LOVE Love yourself as you deserved to be loved and give yourself the love that you so easily give to others because that is your gift.  Compassion and love for yourself will help you overcome all of the many symptoms of Learned Helplessness just as consistent love and affection and kindness would help Seligman’s abused dogs to learn to trust people and trust themselves again.  I hope my words have been helpful to you.

With love,

Roxanne

5 Helpful Tips and Reminders for Highly Sensitive Survivors of a Narcissistic Abuse

Hi everyone. Finally a new post!  It’s been a wonderful, eventful summer!  It’s been very exciting and my husband and I are so proud watching our children start their new independent lives with confidence, hard work, determination, and exhilaration as they pursue their dreams and desires. It’s an emotional time of bittersweet endings and wonderful new beginnings for all of us.

Although we still have an entire month of summer weather left to enjoy, this time of year always seems like the beginning of a new year because of the new academic school year starting locally and at universities everywhere.  The excitement of buying school supplies and getting new books with new subjects to learn about still affects me in a positive way.  I was able to master my ability to relax and enjoy myself in the summer, my most difficult season, and truly “be in the moment”.

Now I am excited to be returning my focus to my true purpose in life–comforting and encouraging highly sensitive souls (HSPs) with childhood wounds to heal and feel GOOD about themselves. To all of you sensitive souls out there reading this blog, I feel your presence and I understand your struggles and frustrations. Here are some helpful tips and reminders for survivors of an N parent:

1.  Compassion for yourself is always rule #1.  You did a great job surviving a very difficult childhood.  Instead of getting loving support you may have been ridiculed and undermined.  You DESERVED compassion but you did not get it.  You must learn to give it to yourself.  You really can be the ideal mother or father to yourself that you never had.  As survivors, you may often be too hard on yourselves.  If you are feeling stressed and overwhelmed, stop everything and be nice to yourself about it.  You have every right to feel stressed and overwhelmed.  Imagine the most loving mother comforting you through it.  What would she say to you?  “Everything is going to be all right.  You have worked so hard and you deserve to rest.  Put your feet up and I’ll get you a warm blanket.  How about some green tea and a warm cup of soup.” 🙂  Put your worries out of your mind–does that task really have to be done today?  No, it does not. It is very important to know that until you have unconditional compassion and love for your self you will not have the energy to give compassion and love freely to others!  Healthy, loving relationships are reciprocal–you must have compassion to give to others if you want to attract people into your life who are truly “giving” in return.

2.  Forgive yourself.  When you have an N parent you were never taught that it’s okay to make mistakes. When you make a mistake, a loving parent would say to you,  “It’s okay, that is how we learn and you learned a lot from this–maybe it is even good that it happened.”  If you had this message growing up, imagine where you’d be today!  You could glide from one mistake to the next without beating yourself up about it, instead you would say to yourself, “that’s okay, I am only human, we all make mistakes and that is how we learn.”  Also forgive yourself for trusting the wrong people.  Because you had an N parent that you trusted for a long time, you may be confused about what a healthy relationship looks and feels like.  It takes time to learn to love yourself and start attracting people who also love themselves and have real love to give.  Forgive yourself about trusting the wrong people along the way, this happening is often a necessary stepping stone on your journey to finding your true selves and honoring all of your feelings.

3. Allow yourself to have some inner confusion at times.  We all have inner confusion at times.  Even Deepok Chopra, Eckhart Tolle, and the wisest psychotherapists on earth have inner confusion at times and this is how we continue to grow and learn.  This is part of the human experience on this planet.  You cannot and must not feel that you have to be on top and have it all figured out all the time!  Your N parent may have made you feel this way probably because you were so very bright and right so much of the time, they felt compelled to knock you down and never gave you credit for your brilliant ideas.  So when you weren’t on top and were naturally feeling confused about some unexplained event in your lives, they probably often took this opportunity to point out to you, “See you aren’t so great, this happened to you and this is proof!  This may have very confusing and painful to you which just further made you harder on yourselves.  You may have said to yourselves, “I must never let people see that I don’t have it all figured out. I must be even more perfect!”  If you can see how unfair this was to you as a child and how you deserved to feel okay about having inner confusion, you will feel much relief and realize you deserve to be… human.  It is so unhealthy trying to be perfect.  You must allow yourself to grieve for the time you spent feeling unworthy of acceptance and that you are not good enough as you are in each given moment.  Sometimes you have inner confusion–it is okay…let it be.  In time, the lesson you were to learn from it will be learned and you will progress again towards expressing your true voice.

4.  Guilt, shame, and doubt are thoughts and feelings from elsewhere to be ignored.  Ignoring your “inner critic” is hard to do because it feels like it’s your “self” telling you these negative messages so you think it must be true.  But these messages and feelings are not from your true self–they are incorrect beliefs from surviving your N parent which you have internalized!  You can learn to recognize them and identify them as your “inner critic” which you must ignore.  It is not the truth!  Your inner critic is WRONG about you.  Most often the exact opposite is true.  When you become conscious of your “inner critic” you can over-ride your thoughts with positive affirmations such as “I love and approve of myself”.  Getting in the habit of catching yourself  when you are unconsciously beating yourself up will change your life!  When you can stop your negative thoughts and know and believe that they aren’t true, your true purpose and compassionate self will begin to emerge. This is not easy and this leads into my next tip.  Sometimes you must get help from a safe person you trust fully to grieve and let out the pain from your abused inner child before you can begin to change these negative beliefs about yourself.

5. Consider reaching out and getting help.  If you are projecting bouts of anger and despair onto your loved ones and are confused about why this is happening, it helps to understand the roots of this confusing pattern. In inner child grief work, this is called “transference” and is a very important and necessary part of the healing process. It is as if you must pull the other person into the drama of the original feelings from childhood so that you can process these feelings and heal them in the present day. Post traumatic stress (PTSD) is the eruption of past unresolved childhood pain into your relationships in the present. If you don’t understand what is happening it can wreak havoc on your present relationships. But if you work this out with a skilled coach or counselor that you fully trust, you can learn to understand your feelings as they come up and you will not need to act on them. You can learn how if you are able to display the out-of-control feelings with this safe person who is able to stay impartial and unaffected and still be compassionate even to angry or blaming projections. Depending on the severity of the abuse and the transference symptoms, look for an experienced and sensitive counselor or coach with knowledge of inner child healing and are humanistic in their approach.  As a coach I can help clients with mild symptoms of post traumatic stress–I have experience with this as I not only worked through my own transference and projections with a therapist but also because my husband and I worked through our projections and transference from our childhoods onto each other to the point of working through most of our co-dependence issues. We were able to do this because of our deep trust in each other and because of my training, my own self-growth which had to happen first, and my knowledge about healthy communication skills, grieving our losses, and what constitutes healthy boundaries. 

 I will be sharing even more helpful healing tips here on my blog in the coming weeks and months.  As a highly sensitive person who survived an N parent, you can learn techniques to love yourself and heal your childhood wounds so that you can have the peace of mind and confidence in yourself that you DESERVE.  I hope that my tips have been comforting to you.  You are a special highly sensitive soul and your healing is necessary so your God-given gifts and true self can be actualized and all your dreams can come true.  You survived a N parent–be kind to yourself!  Now is your time for healing.  I care and I am here for you.

With love,

Roxanne

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