Hello Everyone! It’s January 2nd! Feels like a Monday but it’s Wednesday. Feels like a brand spankin’ new beginning! And it is! I’m fired up!–in a positive-anger, fed up, determined sort of way! I wasn’t fired up when I first woke up–being my day off, I woke up with HUGE childhood pain. Bigger than ever! In my face!–heart, solar plexus, every darn chakra really! The kind of childhood pain where you can’t function–you are just a tiny abandoned toddler feeling completely in despair and giving up in order to survive. I’m like WTF! Excuse my language but like I said I am fired up and want to share the raw truth lol!
I had been so hopeful about the new year and Oh boy what a way to start out! I learned a long time ago how to nurture myself instead of spiral with negative feelings so I pulled out my journal to write. I couldn’t even write much because I’m still so exhausted from the holidays and from being an empath and all that goes with that (all that is for another post). I realized my eyes were terribly, unusually sore! I sleep in my contacts and have to put new contacts in every 6 days–I take one day per week and give my eyes a rest. I couldn’t even get my contacts out!–my eyes were too sore to remove them but I had to try. I thought “okay, I’m grateful I have the day off to heal–just take my contacts out ( a day early which is weird) and give my eyes a rest …Give my body, mind, and soul a rest.”
Even though I have a gazillion things on my list to-do today that I didn’t get done over the holidays, I told myself I am going to listen to my body and weary eyes and give my eyes and body a rest. I got my contacts out and then I spontaneously just …cried. I cried HARD, deep hard crying from the core of my being! Not despairing or feeling sorry for myself but just FREEDOM to cry because like “I was never allowed to cry as a child and damn it today I’m gonna do whatever the hell I want–I’m a friggin’ adult with a day off to recharge and if I feel like crying all day then I’ll do that because I can!–that kind of crying!! Lol.
It lasted only for a few minutes and it was profound–I felt a ton better and had unusual clarity sooner than usual ( I had cried more and longer over the holidays healing some wounds that had been triggered but this was different). This came with clarity! This came with a powerful glimpse of …something.
When I took my contacts out I had this sorry-for-myself feeling that I need to wear contacts for being far-sighted–like “Geez, I can’t even see anymore, man, I am getting old. Then I had this flash of being BLIND!–of going blind and the despair of the loss of my sight caused me to feel, for an instant, like I wouldn’t want to LIVE anymore if that happened! It was a split second “gift” and then I was instantly so grateful for my eyesight and the clarity of “Oh wow, things could be so much worse! Thank God I have my sight–I can rest and recharge and heal my eyes when so many people have it worse than I do.” I was reminded of all the chronic pain I used to have at times and thankfully I no longer have–I had forgotten how I had promised myself, if and when I heal from this chronic pain, I will never take my health or life for granted.
Okay, you get where I am going here … but that was just the start of it! I got some clarity and a reminder of my true purpose of helping others because of what I have overcome. So let’s get right down to the raw truth! Yeah I want to help others because for what ever reason I CAN! The childhood pain staring me in the face this morning was my abandonment wound from my childhood. As if I was re-experiencing it–it was impossible to deny–I was right back there–age 1 1/2 in a hospital crib (cage) with no parents or loved ones to comfort me for days on end. It was then that I stopped trusting the Universe that I’d be okay. I experienced terror for days at the fragile age of attachment and it never got healed. It explains so much! And I am strong enough, for the first time, to feel all of it now!!
In my wisdom and coaching and successes in life there has always been this limit that I’ve had. Don’t criticize me too much, don’t blame me, don’t leave me, don’t hurt me because oh the bottom may fall out and cause me to feel all that I cannot bear to feel because–it killed me! By age 5 the “too talkative singing and dancing child” finally gave up. Rejected again, I hid in a closet, my soul went dormant–the trauma was repressed–the pain numbed out with beliefs and illusions and bargains only a tiny child can make. ” I am not safe alone–I must please others to be taken care of–I am not worthy of love as I am, so I must conform to get the love I need to survive–life is painful and scary alone–I need others to take care of me–I promise to be obedient if you will just be kind to me–maybe if I’m perfect then you will love me etc.”
Sure successes and experiences in later life healed some of these beliefs, but the deepest ones are often buried deep with the deepest of the pain. It is pure rage! I hated them for not having the wisdom to know how much they were injuring my trust in “life”! My soul knew it was cruel to abandon a child–how could they not KNOW the damage they are doing!! I (my highly evolved compassionate soul) would never cause such pain in such a tiny helpless being whose cries were begging for love but repeatedly ignored.
I’ll jump to the end here (because I could write WAY too much on this subject right now lol). With my soul’s spiritual awakening and unquenchable thirst for knowledge about the highest truth in the Universe, I know now that I CHOSE for this to happen to me! (It was validated by years ago reading the book, Journey of Souls–Case Studies of Life Between Lives By Michael Newton, Ph.D.)
I know that sounds crazy, why in the world would any soul choose to have a horrific trauma happen to them right at the beginning of their soul’s incarnation–a trauma so terrifying to a sensitive soul that it completely breaks them–makes them into a compliant, obedient, spineless shell of a person with no access to their gifts, their light, their energy, and no ability to relax and have fun and trust that life is a kind and loving place to just BE. Yep I chose it! I also chose a lot of other events and people in my life that would slowly open me back up to trusting life and my feelings and my vitality again.
My higher self, while in heaven, before I incarnated, along with the knowledge that I would have free will to choose how these things played out I chose many things to evolve as a soul. I chose an adult friend of the family to buy me a journal at age 14 so I could start writing about my feelings in self discovery–the very beginning of finding my voice. I chose relationships that would break me open to find my own strength and desire to go to college. I chose an education in child and family services to educate myself on what a child needs to be emotionally healthy in each and every developmental stage. I chose a significant other in life who experienced a similar plight in childhood so he could empathize but had a tougher resolve and a warrior spirit to go out into the rat race and pay the bills so I could raise our 2 gifted children. I chose being a stay-at-home mom so I could re-experience life through my children’s eyes and heal my inner child in the process. Since my soul/higher self was a gifted writer and singer (my dream since before age 5), I chose circumstances that allowed me time alone to write about my feelings and healing journey and read self-help books on how to heal the blocks to my own creativity and become the singer-songwriter I was meant to ultimately become.
I believe I chose it all so I could write songs and poetry about overcoming deep pain from childhood and shine my light of compassion on other souls who have had a similar plight. I even chose for my closest relationships to trigger me so that I can heal any remnants of my dormant pain and step into my full power as a woman. This is where I am at now!
It’s all in how you look at it. I could totally be resentful and be saying to myself, “Oh my lord what now!” or I can say I trust my higher self knew that I am strong enough for all that is happening to me! I am a nurturer and comforter by nature so damn it I am going to nurture and comfort the heck out of myself right now more than ever!! That’s easier said than done when all you feel is terror and as if you are being abandoned! Meanwhile I’m having to step out of my comfort zone in my life and also face and heal my deepest abandonment wound pain.
More things I have chosen that helped me: I chose to have such debilitating food allergies and ill-health and chronic fatigue in my 30s that I had to discover a pretty extreme anti-inflammatory diet that made me feel like a new person energy-wise. I stuck to it out of necessity and now at the wise old age of 57, I look and feel like I am 38. Which is such a blessing because I am just getting started with my career as a singer-songwriter and life coach/spiritual counselor/ and akashic record reader. I’m more physically fit than ever and my adrenal fatigue issues are almost completely resolved.
There’s much more I could tell you about what I chose but I want to get to my real point of writing this post. And it is this: My heart breaks for those highly sensitive souls out there who have chosen to incarnate here at this time on earth and feel completely broken from those early years in life. Perhaps they are here to help the planet with their light and compassion as well but don’t have the resources or time to get the healing they need, the counseling, schooling, or there are no kind and gentle souls around them to validate them as empaths, see their giftedness as I do. They may have no-one to understand that they are working at a job that is way beneath their abilities and intelligence but it is all they can handle due to the unresolved childhood pain that leaves them re-traumatized–with each thing in life that leaves them feeling like crawling back under the rock of safety in their small apartments, or small jobs, or small dreams. I have felt this way too!
Somehow in all my reading and time alone, I realized I had the gift of intuition and I learned how to hone it in to my benefit–I learned to listen to my own inner guidance by getting out of my head and into my heart with my special techniques of automatic writing. Eventually, by learning to tune in the helpful guidance from my spirit guide and angels, and the higher realms of the Akashic Records, I heard myself being guided to ask my significant other in my life, “Please just hold me, I need to be held. I was not held and loved enough as a child and being held feels really healing to me.” This has been powerful for me and it works!
Sometimes when your partner, who is very different from you, says something that just makes you feel way too angry and rightfully rejecting, it can be so helpful to just realize you wouldn’t be so angry if you had been held and comforted every time you needed it as a child. So instead of pushing your partner away with anger and tear-filled victimized cries of “how can you be so insensitive when you know more than anyone how sensitive I am” (am I right?! lol)–Instead you can calmly say, perhaps after walking away and cooling off, come back and say “I feel really triggered by what you said because of my childhood. Could you please just hold me and let me cry–I wasn’t held enough or allowed to cry as a child and that would be really healing for me.” The divine masculine often loves just being given something helpful to do! This is often a win-win for both partners. It is powerfully healing!
But those time when you can’t be held by someone else, we still have times when our unbearable pain comes up! (either from this childhood or our past lives where we were persecuted for being “different” because our lights were shining too brightly). Those times are when perhaps this blog can help you feel like you are not alone and that is why I am writing about this raw content today. We highly sensitive souls all need deep connection and understanding–being seen and validated has made all the difference in my life. I feel this is part of my gift to the planet–to create a safe haven where gifted sensitives who feel downtrodden can feel seen and uplifted to the beautiful, shining lights that they are. You are so special. You are just wounded and those wounds can heal. But first you must bring them to the light–up to the surface where they can be seen. Perhaps if things are really hard right now, your higher self planned for you to be faced with the truth of your childhood pain so you can finally heal it! It will never be healed if you keep it all so deeply buried and protected. You are strong enough to look at it now! Finally! You can allow the unbearable pain to be looked at and voiced and released. Your powerful soul has been waiting patiently for your courage to admit how badly you were wounded. It may have been worse than you thought. I know, for me, it was much worse than I thought it was, but now it’s all been seen and it is so FREEING!
Please leave a comment if you relate to the subject here today. Your voice will help others who are not yet ready to speak about their pain. I’ll be writing about more raw truth about childhood pain! Yeah I’m fired up like the Phoenix rising from the ashes–determined to be my highest self and overcome any fears that stand in the way of my dreams and my true purpose! I love connecting with all of you who read or follow this blog! You make the world a better place and give me hope to keep sharing my healing journey!
Sending hugs and comforting wishes to all who are on a healing journey,
I love this post! Thank you for your honesty and rawness! I can totally relate to your sentiments. I too have come to believe that I chose my circumstances, and at the same time, there are days when I just CANNOT imagine what I could have been thinking! Yikes!
I have periods of huge growth and feel great, and then……here it comes again…tears, anger,fear….really? still?again? Yup!!! and it’s going to continue as long as necessary.
I’m sorry that you had a tough day/days, and I applaud your process for getting through them. Your writing brought a smile to my face as I resonated with your post and felt less alone in my journey. Thank you from the bottom of my heart!
Sue! Thank you so much for your lovely comment!! So happy to hear that you relate and resonate! Haha It always amazes me how much better I feel after releasing a painful layer and writing about it feels so good! …and it’s wonderful to connect with you about it! Thank you for letting me know my writing about my raw truth helped you smile and feel less alone. 😁 So nice to meet someone who knows they chose the challenges and are shocked and awed at the same time. 😇 I think I’ll be continuing to write more raw truth as it happens–life is a rollercoaster, but the highs are making it so worth it right now!! I’m feelin’ fantastic right now so I’m gonna keep rolling with writing in this way. Welcome to my blog!– and I look forward to learning more of your story if you are interested in sharing again in the future. Big HUGS and gratefulness 💞, Roxanne